The Adventures of Roderick Random

THE AUTHOR’S PREFACE

Of all kinds of satire, there is none so entertaining and universally
improving, as that which is introduced, as it were occasionally, in the course
of an interesting story, which brings every incident home to life, and by
representing familiar scenes in an uncommon and amusing point of view, invests
them with all the graces of novelty, while nature is appealed to in every
particular. The reader gratifies his curiosity in pursuing the adventures of a
person in whose favour he is prepossessed; he espouses his cause, he
sympathises with him in his distress, his indignation is heated against the
authors of his calamity: the humane passions are inflamed; the contrast between
dejected virtue and insulting vice appears with greater aggravation, and every
impression having a double force on the imagination, the memory retains the
circumstance, and the heart improves by the example. The attention is not tired
with a bare catalogue of characters, but agreeably diverted with all the
variety of invention; and the vicissitudes of life appear in their peculiar
circumstances, opening an ample field for wit and humour.

Romance, no doubt, owes its origin to ignorance, vanity, and superstition. In
the dark ages of the World, when a man had rendered himself famous for wisdom
or valour, his family and adherents availed themselves of his superior
qualities, magnified his virtues, and represented his character and person as
sacred and supernatural. The vulgar easily swallowed the bait, implored his
protection, and yielded the tribute of homage and praise, even to adoration;
his exploits were handed down to posterity with a thousand exaggerations; they
were repeated as incitements to virtue; divine honours were paid, and altars
erected to his memory, for the encouragement of those who attempted to imitate
his example; and hence arose the heathen mythology, which is no other than a
collection of extravagant romances. As learning advanced, and genius received
cultivation, these stories were embellished with the graces of poetry, that
they might the better recommend themselves to the attention; they were sung in
public, at festivals, for the instruction and delight of the audience; and
rehearsed before battle, as incentives to deeds of glory. Thus tragedy and the
epic muse were born, and, in the progress of taste, arrived at perfection. It
is no wonder that the ancients could not relish a fable in prose, after they
had seen so many remarkable events celebrated in verse by their best poets; we
therefore find no romance among them during the era of their excellence, unless
the Cyropædia of Xenophon may be so called; and it was not till arts and
sciences began to revive after the irruption of the barbarians into Europe,
that anything of this kind appeared. But when the minds of men were debauched
by the imposition of priestcraft to the most absurd pitch of credulity, the
authors of romance arose, and losing sight of probability, filled their
performances with the most monstrous hyperboles. If they could not equal the
ancient poets in point of genius they were resolved to excel them in fiction,
and apply to the wonder, rather than the judgment, of their readers.
Accordingly, they brought necromancy to their aid, and instead of supporting
the character of their heroes by dignity of sentiment and practice,
distinguished them by their bodily strength, activity, and extravagance of
behaviour. Although nothing could be more ludicrous and unnatural than the
figures they drew, they did not want patrons and admirers; and the world
actually began to be infected with the spirit of knight-errantry, when
Cervantes, by an inimitable piece of ridicule, reformed the taste of mankind,
representing chivalry in the right point of view, and converting romance to
purposes far more useful and entertaining, by making it assume the sock, and
point out the follies of ordinary life.

The same method has been practised by other Spanish and French authors, and by
none more successfully than by Monsieur Le Sage, who, in his Adventures of
Gil Blas, has described the knavery and foibles of life, with infinite
humour and sagacity. The following sheets I have modelled on his plan, taking
me liberty, however, to differ from him in the execution, where I thought his
particular situations were uncommon, extravagant, or peculiar to the country in
which the scene is laid. The disgraces of Gil Blas are, for the most part, such
as rather excite mirth than compassion; he himself laughs at them; and his
transitions from distress to happiness, or at least ease, are so sudden, that
neither the reader has time to pity him, nor himself to be acquainted with
affliction. This conduct, in my opinion, not only deviates from probability,
but prevents that generous indignation, which ought to animate the reader
against the sordid and vicious disposition of the world. I have attempted to
represent modest merit struggling with every difficulty to which a friendless
orphan is exposed, from his own want of experience, as well as from the
selfishness, envy, malice, and base indifference of mankind. To secure a
favourable prepossession, I have allowed him the advantages of birth and
education, which in the series of his misfortunes will, I hope, engage the
ingenuous more warmly in his behalf; and though I foresee, that some people
will be offended at the mean scenes in which he is involved, I persuade myself
that the judicious will not only perceive the necessity of describing those
situations to which he must of course be confined, in his low estate, but also
find entertainment in viewing those parts of life, where the humours and
passions are undisguised by affectation, ceremony, or education; and the
whimsical peculiarities of disposition appear as nature has implanted them. But
I believe I need not trouble myself in vindicating a practice authorized by the
best writers in this way, some of whom I have already named.

Every intelligent reader will, at first sight, perceive I have not deviated
from nature in the facts, which are all true in the main, although the
circumstances are altered and disguised, to avoid personal satire.

It now remains to give my reasons for making the chief personage of this work a
North Briton, which are chiefly these: I could, at a small expense, bestow on
him such education as I thought the dignity of his birth and character
required, which could not possibly be obtained in England, by such slender
means as the nature of my plan would afford. In the next place, I could
represent simplicity of manners in a remote part of the kingdom, with more
propriety than in any place near the capital; and lastly, the disposition of
the Scots, addicted to travelling, justifies my conduct in deriving an
adventurer from that country. That the delicate reader may not be offended at
the unmeaning oaths which proceed from the mouths of some persons in these
memoirs, I beg leave to promise, that I imagined nothing could more effectually
expose the absurdity of such miserable expletives, than a natural and verbal
representation of the discourse in which they occur.

APOLOGUE

A young painter, indulging a vein of pleasantry, sketched a kind of
conversation piece, representing a bear, an owl, a monkey, and an ass; and to
render it more striking, humorous, and moral, distinguished every figure by
some emblem of human life. Bruin was exhibited in the garb and attitude of an
old, toothless, drunken soldier; the owl perched upon the handle of a
coffee-pot, with spectacle on nose, seemed to contemplate a newspaper; and the
ass, ornamented with a huge tie-wig (which, however, could not conceal his long
ears), sat for his picture to the monkey, who appeared with the implements of
painting. This whimsical group afforded some mirth, and met with general
approbation, until some mischievous wag hinted that the whole—was a
lampoon upon the friends of the performer; an insinuation which was no sooner
circulated than those very people who applauded it before began to be alarmed,
and even to fancy themselves signified by the several figures of the piece.

Among others, a worthy personage in years, who had served in the army with
reputation, being incensed at the supposed outrage, repaired to the lodging of
the painter, and finding him at home, “Hark ye, Mr. Monkey,” said
he, “I have a good mind to convince you, that though the bear has lost
his teeth, he retains his paws, and that he is not so drunk but he can perceive
your impertinence.” “Sblood! sir, that toothless jaw is a
d—ned scandalous libel—but don’t you imagine me so chopfallen
as not to be able to chew the cud of resentment.” Here he was interrupted
by the arrival of a learned physician, who, advancing to the culprit with fury
in his aspect, exclaimed, “Suppose the augmentation of the ass’s
ears should prove the diminution of the baboon’s—nay, seek not to
prevaricate, for, by the beard of Aesculapius! there is not one hair in this
periwig that will not stand up in judgment to convict thee of personal abuse.
Do but observe, captain, how this pitiful little fellow has copied the very
curls—the colour, indeed, is different, but then the form and foretop are
quite similar.” While he thus remonstrated in a strain of vociferation, a
venerable senator entered, and waddling up to the delinquent,
“Jackanapes!” cried he, “I will now let thee see I can read
something else than a newspaper, and that without the help of spectacles: here
is your own note of hand, sirrah, for money, which if I had not advanced, you
yourself would have resembled an owl, in not daring to show your face by day,
you ungrateful slanderous knave!”

In vain the astonished painter declared that he had no intention to give
offence, or to characterise particular persons: they affirmed the resemblance
was too palpable to be overlooked; they taxed him with insolence, malice, and
ingratitude; and their clamours being overheard by the public, the captain was
a bear, the doctor an ass, and the senator an owl, to his dying day.

Christian reader, I beseech thee, in the bowels of the Lord, remember this
example “while thou art employed in the perusal of the following sheets;
and seek not to appropriate to thyself that which equally belongs to five
hundred different people. If thou shouldst meet with a character that reflects
thee in some ungracious particular, keep thy own counsel; consider that one
feature makes not a face, and that though thou art, perhaps, distinguished by a
bottle nose, twenty of thy neighbours may be in the same predicament.”

THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM

CHAPTER I

Of my Birth and Parentage

I was born in the northern part of this united kingdom, in the house of my
grandfather, a gentleman of considerable fortune and influence, who had on many
occasions signalised himself in behalf of his country; and was remarkable for
his abilities in the law, which he exercised with great success in the station
of a judge, particularly against beggars, for whom he had a singular aversion.

My father (his youngest son) falling in love with a poor relation, who lived
with the old gentleman in quality of a housekeeper, espoused her privately; and
I was the first fruit of that marriage. During her pregnancy, a dream
discomposed my mother so much that her husband, tired with her importunity, at
last consulted a highland seer, whose favourable interpretation he would have
secured beforehand by a bribe, but found him incorruptible. She dreamed she was
delivered of a tennis-ball, which the devil (who, to her great surprise, acted
the part of a midwife) struck so forcibly with a racket that it disappeared in
an instant; and she was for some time inconsolable for the lost of her
offspring; when, all on a sudden, she beheld it return with equal violence, and
enter the earth, beneath her feet, whence immediately sprang up a goodly tree
covered with blossoms, the scent of which operated so strongly on her nerves
that she awoke. The attentive sage, after some deliberation, assured my
parents, that their firstborn would be a great traveller; that he would undergo
many dangers and difficulties, and at last return to his native land, where he
would flourish in happiness and reputation. How truly this was foretold will
appear in the sequel. It was not long before some officious person informed my
grandfather of certain familiarities that passed between his son and
housekeeper which alarmed him so much that, a few days after, he told my father
it was high time for him to think of settling; and that he had provided a match
for him, to which he could in justice have no objections. My father, finding it
would be impossible to conceal his situation much longer, frankly owned what he
had done; and excused himself for not having asked the consent of his father,
by saying, he knew it would have been to no purpose; and that, had his
inclination been known, my grandfather might have taken such measures as would
have effectually put the gratification of it out of his power: he added, that
no exceptions could be taken to his wife’s virtue, birth, beauty, and
good sense, and as for fortune, it was beneath his care. The old gentleman, who
kept all his passions, except one, in excellent order, heard him to an end with
great temper, and then calmly asked, how he proposed to maintain himself and
spouse? He replied, he could be in no danger of wanting while his
father’s tenderness remained, which he and his wife should always
cultivate with the utmost veneration; and he was persuaded his allowance would
be suitable to the dignity and circumstances of his family, and to the
provision already made for his brothers and sisters, who were happily settled
under his protection. “Your brothers and sisters,” said my
grandfather, “did not think it beneath them to consult me in an affair of
such importance as matrimony; neither, I suppose, would you have omitted that
piece of duty, had you not some secret fund in reserve; to the comforts of
which I leave you, with a desire that you will this night seek out another
habitation for yourself and wife, whither, in a short time, I will send you an
account of the expense I have been at in your education, with a view of being
reimbursed. Sir, you have made the grand tour—you are a polite
gentleman—a very pretty gentleman—I wish you a great deal of joy,
and am your very humble servant.”

So saying, he left my father in a situation easily imagined. However, he did
not long hesitate; for, being perfectly well acquainted with his father’s
disposition, he did not doubt that he was glad of this pretence to get rid of
him; and his resolves being as invariable as the laws of the Medes and
Persians, he knew it would be to no purpose to attempt him by prayers and
entreaties; so without any farther application, he betook himself, with his
disconsolate bedfellow to a farm-house, where an old servant of his mother
dwelt: there they remained some time in a situation but ill adapted to the
elegance of their desires and tenderness of their love; which nevertheless my
father chose to endure, rather than supplicate an unnatural and inflexible
parent but my mother, foreseeing the inconveniences to which she must have been
exposed, had she been delivered in this place (and her pregnancy was very far
advanced), without communicating her design to her husband, went in disguise to
the house of my grandfather, hoping that her tears and condition would move him
to compassion, and reconcile him to an event which was now irrecoverably past.

She found means to deceive the servants, and get introduced as an unfortunate
lady, who wanted to complain of some matrimonial grievances, it being my
grandfather’s particular province to decide in all cases of scandal. She
was accordingly admitted into his presence, where, discovering herself, she
fell at his feet, and in the most affecting manner implored his forgiveness; at
the same time representing the danger that threatened not only her life, but
that of his own grandchild, which was about to see the light. He told her he
was sorry that the indiscretion of her and his son had compelled him to make a
vow, which put it out of his power to give them any assistance; that he had
already imparted his thoughts on that subject to her husband, and was surprised
that they should disturb his peace with any farther importunity. This said, he
retired.

The violence of my mother’s affliction had such an effect on her
constitution that she was immediately seized with the pains of childbed; and
had not an old maidservant, to whom she was very dear, afforded her pity and
assistance, at the hazard of incurring my grandfather’s displeasure, she
and the innocent fruit of her womb must have fallen miserable victims to his
rigour and inhumanity. By the friendship of this poor woman she was carried up
to a garret, and immediately delivered of a man child, the story of whose
unfortunate birth he himself now relates. My father, being informed of what had
happened, flew to the embraces of his darling spouse, and while he loaded his
offspring with paternal embraces, could not forbear shedding a flood of tears
on beholding the dear partner of his heart (for whose ease he would have
sacrificed the treasures of the east) stretched upon a flock bed, in a
miserable apartment, unable to protect her from the inclemencies of the
weather. It is not to be supposed that the old gentleman was ignorant of what
passed, though he affected to know nothing of the matter, and pretended to be
very much surprised, when one of his grandchildren, by his eldest son deceased,
who lived with him as his heir apparent, acquainted him with the affair; he
determined therefore to observe no medium, but immediately (on the third day
after her delivery) sent her a peremptory order to be gone, and turned off the
servant who had preserved her life. This behaviour so exasperated my father
that he had recourse to the most dreadful imprecations; and on his bare knees
implored that Heaven would renounce him if ever he should forget or forgive the
barbarity of his sire.

The injuries which this unhappy mother received from her removal in such
circumstances, and the want of necessaries where she lodged, together with her
grief and anxiety of mind, soon threw her into a languishing disorder, which
put an end to her life. My father, who loved her tenderly, was so affected with
her death that he remained six weeks deprived of his senses; during which time,
the people where he lodged carried the infant to the old man who relented so
far, on hearing the melancholy story of his daughter-in-law’s death, and
the deplorable condition of his son, as to send the child to nurse, and he
ordered my father to be carried home to his house, where he soon recovered the
use of his reason.

Whether this hardhearted judge felt any remorse for his cruel treatment of his
son and daughter, or (which is more probable) was afraid his character would
suffer in the neighbourhood, he professed great sorrow for his conduct to my
father, whose delirium was succeeded by a profound melancholy and reserve. At
length he disappeared, and, notwithstanding all imaginable inquiry, could not
be heard of; a circumstance which confirmed most people in the opinion of his
having made away with himself in a fit of despair. How I understood the
particulars of my birth will appear in the course of these memoirs.

CHAPTER II

I grow up—am hated by my Relations—sent to School—neglected
by my Grandfather—maltreated by my Master—seasoned to
Adversity—I form Cabals against the Pedant—am debarred Access to my
Grandfather—hunted by his Heir—I demolish the Teeth of his Tutor

There were not wanting some who suspected my uncles of being concerned in my
father’s fate, on the supposition that they would all share in the
patrimony destined for him; and this conjecture was strengthened by reflecting
that in all his calamities they never discovered the least inclination to serve
him; but, on the contrary, by all the artifices in their power, fed his
resentment and supported his resolution of leaving him to misery and want. But
people of judgment treated this insinuation as an idle chimera; because, had my
relations been so wicked as to consult their interest by committing such an
atrocious crime, the fate of my father would have extended to me too whose life
was another obstacle to their expectation. Meanwhile, I grew apace, and as I
strongly resembled my father, who was the darling of the tenants, I wanted
nothing which their indigent circumstances could afford: but their favour was a
weak resource against the jealous enmity of my cousins; who the more my infancy
promised, conceived the more implacable hatred against me: and before I was six
years of age, had so effectually blockaded my grandfather that I never saw him
but by stealth, when I sometimes made up to his chair as he sat to view his
labourers in the field: on which occasion he would stroke my head, bid me be a
good boy, and promise to take care of me.

I was soon after sent to school at a village hard by, of which he had been
dictator time out of mind; but as he never paid for my board, nor supplied me
with clothes, books, and other necessaries I required, my condition was very
ragged and contemptible, and the schoolmaster, who, through fear of my
grandfather, taught me gratis, gave himself no concern about the progress I
made under his instruction. In spite of all these difficulties and disgraces, I
became a good proficient in the Latin tongue; and, as soon as I could write
tolerably, pestered my grandfather with letters to such a degree that he sent
for my master, and chid him severely for bestowing such pains on my education,
telling him that, if ever I should be brought to the gallows for forgery, which
he had taught me to commit, my blood would lie on his head.

The pedant, who dreaded nothing more than the displeasure of his patron,
assured his honour that the boy’s ability was more owing to his own
genius and application than to any instruction or encouragement he received;
that, although he could not divest him of the knowledge he had already imbibed,
unless he would empower him to disable his fingers, he should endeavour, with
God’s help, to prevent his future improvement. And, indeed, he punctually
performed what he had undertaken; for, on pretence that I had written
impertinent letters to my grandfather, he caused a board to be made with five
holes in it, through which he thrust the fingers and thumb of my right hand,
and fastened it by whipcord to my wrist, in such a manner as effectually
debarred me the use of my pen. But this restraint I was freed from in a few
days, by an accident which happened in a quarrel between me and another boy;
who, taking upon him to insult my poverty, I was so incensed at his ungenerous
reproach that with one stroke with my machine I cut him to the skull, to the
great terror of myself and schoolfellows, who left him bleeding on the ground,
and ran to inform the master of what had happened. I was so severely punished
for this trespass that, were I to live to the age of Methusalem, the impression
it made on me would not be effaced; the more than the antipathy and horror I
conceived for the merciless tyrant who inflicted it. The contempt which my
appearance naturally produced in all who saw me, the continual wants to which I
was exposed, and my own haughty disposition, impatient of affronts, involved me
in a thousand troublesome adventures, by which I was at length inured in
adversity, and emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I was often
inhumanly scourged for crimes I did not commit, because, having the character
of a vagabond in the village, every piece of mischief, whose author lay
unknown, was charged upon me. I have been found guilty of robbing orchards I
never entered, of killing cats I never hunted, of stealing gingerbread I never
touched, and of abusing old women I never saw. Nay, a stammering carpenter had
eloquence enough to persuade my master that I fired a pistol loaded with small
shot into his window; though my landlady and the whole family bore witness that
I was abed fast asleep at the time when this outrage was committed. I was once
flogged for having narrowly escaped drowning, by the sinking of a ferry boat in
which I was passenger. Another time, for having recovered of a bruise
occasioned by a horse and cart running over me. A third time, for being bitten
by a baker’s dog. In short, whether I was guilty or unfortunate, the
correction and sympathy of this arbitrary pedagogue were the same.

Far from being subdued by this informal usage, my indignation triumphed over
that slavish awe which had hitherto enforced my obedience; and the more my
years and knowledge increased, the more I perceived the injustice and barbarity
of his behaviour. By the help of an uncommon genius, and the advice and
direction of our usher, who had served my father in his travels, I made a
surprising progress in the classics, writing, and arithmetic; so that, before I
was twelve years old, I was allowed by everybody to be the best scholar in the
school. This qualification, together with the boldness of temper and strength
of make which had subjected almost all my contemporaries, gave me such
influence over them that I began to form cabals against my persecutor; and was
in hope of being able to bid him defiance in a very short time. Being at the
head of a faction, consisting of thirty boys, most of them of my own age, I was
determined to put their mettle to trial, that I might know how far they were to
be depended upon, before I put my grand scheme in execution: with this view, we
attacked a body of stout apprentices, who had taken possession of a part of the
ground allotted to us for the scheme of our diversions, and who were then
playing at ninepins on the spot; but I had the mortification to see my
adherents routed in an instant, and a leg of one of them broke in his flight by
the bowl, which one of our adversaries had detached in pursuit of us. This
discomfiture did not hinder us from engaging them afterwards in frequent
skirmishes, which we maintained by throwing stones at a distance, wherein I
received many wounds, the scars of which still remain. Our enemies were so
harassed and interrupted by these alarms that they at last abandoned their
conquest, and left us to the peaceable enjoyment of our own territories.

It would be endless to enumerate the exploits we performed in the course of
this confederacy, which became the terror of the whole village; insomuch that,
when different interests divided it, one of the parties commonly courted the
assistance of Roderick Random (by which name I was known) to cast the balance,
and keep the opposite faction in awe. Meanwhile, I took the advantage of every
play-day to present myself before my grandfather, to whom I seldom found
access, by reason of his being closely besieged by a numerous family of his
female grandchildren, who, though they perpetually quarrelled among themselves,
never failed to join against me, as the common enemy of all. His heir, who was
about the age of eighteen, minded nothing but fox-hunting, and indeed was
qualified for nothing else, notwithstanding his grandfather’s indulgence
in entertaining a tutor for him at home; who at the same time performed the
office of parish clerk. This young Actaeon, who inherited his
grandfather’s antipathy to everything in distress, never sat eyes on me
without uncoupling his beagles, and hunting me into some cottage or other,
whither I generally fled for shelter. In this Christian amusement he was
encouraged by his preceptor, who, no doubt, took such opportunities to
ingratiate himself with the rising sun, observing, that the old gentleman,
according to the course of nature, had not long to live, for he was already on
the verge of fourscore.

The behaviour of this rascally sycophant incensed me so much, that one day,
when I was beleaguered by him and his hounds in a farmer’s house, where I
had found protection, I took aim at him (being an excellent marksman) with a
large pebble, which struck out four of his foreteeth, and effectually
incapacitated him from doing the office of a clerk.

CHAPTER III

My Mother’s Brother arrives—relieves me—a Description of
him—he goes along with me to the House of my Grandfather—is
encountered by his Dogs—defeats them, after a bloody Engagement—is
admitted to the old Gentleman—a Dialogue between them

About this time my mother’s only brother, who had been long abroad,
lieutenant of a man-of-war, arrived in his own country; where being informed of
my condition, he came to see me, and out of his slender finances not only
supplied me with what necessaries I wanted for the present, but resolved not to
leave the country until he had prevailed on my grandfather to settle something
handsome for the future. This was a task to which he was by no means equal,
being entirely ignorant, not only of the judge’s disposition, but also of
the ways of men in general, to which his education on board had kept him an
utter stranger.

He was a strong built man, somewhat bandy legged, with a neck like that of a
bull, and a face which (you might easily perceive) had withstood the most
obstinate assaults of the weather. His dress consisted of a soldier’s
coat altered for him by the ship’s tailor, a striped flannel jacket, a
pair of red breeches spanned with pitch, clean gray worsted stockings, large
silver buckles that covered three-fourths of his shoes, a silver-laced hat,
whose crown overlooked the brims about an inch and a half, black bobwig in
buckle, a check shirt, a silk handkerchief, a hanger, with a brass handle,
girded to his thigh by a furnished lace belt, and a good oak plant under his
arm. Thus equipped, he set out with me (who by his bounty made a very decent
appearance) for my grandfather’s house, where we were saluted by Jowler
and Caesar, whom my cousin, young master, had let loose at our approach. Being
well acquainted with the inveteracy of these curs, I was about to betake myself
to my heels, when my uncle seized me with one hand, brandished his cudgel with
the other, and at one blow laid Caesar sprawling on the ground; but, finding
himself attacked at the same time in the rear by Jowler, and fearing Caesar
might recover, he drew his hanger, wheeled about, and by a lucky stroke severed
Jowler’s head from his body. By this time, the young foxhunter and three
servants, armed with pitchforks and flails, were come to the assistance of the
dogs, whom they found breathless upon the field; and my cousin was so provoked
at the death of his favourites, that he ordered his attendants to advance, and
take vengeance on their executioner, whom he loaded with all the curses and
reproaches his anger could suggest. Upon which my uncle stepped forwards with
an undaunted air, at the sight of whose bloody weapons his antagonists fell
back with precipitation, when he accosted their leader thus:

“Lookee, brother, your dogs having boarded me without provocation, what I
did was in my own defence. So you had best be civil, and let us shoot a head,
clear of you.”

Whether the young squire misinterpreted my uncle’s desire of peace, or
was enraged at the fate of his hounds beyond his usual pitch of resolution, I
know not; but he snatched a flail from one of his followers, and came up with a
show of assaulting the lieutenant, who, putting himself in a posture of
defence, proceeded thus: “Lookee, you lubberly son of a w—e, if you
come athwart me, ’ware your gingerbread work. I’ll be foul of your
quarter, d—n me.”

This declaration, followed by a flourish of his hanger, seemed to check the
progress of the young gentleman’s choler, who, looking behind him,
perceived his attendants had slunk into the house, shut the gate, and left him
to decide the contention by himself.

Here a parley ensued, which was introduced by my cousin’s asking,
“Who the devil are you? What do you want? Some scoundrel of a seaman, I
suppose, who has deserted and turned thief. But don’t think you shall
escape, sirrah—I’ll have you hang’d, you dog, I will. Your
blood shall pay for that of my two hounds, you ragamuffin. I would not have
parted with them to save your whole generation from the gallows, you ruffian,
you!” “None of your jaw, you swab—none of your jaw,”
replied my uncle, “else I shall trim your laced jacket for you. I shall
rub you down with an oaken towel, my boy, I shall.” So saying, he
sheathed his hanger, and grasped his cudgel. Meanwhile the people of the house
being alarmed, one of my female cousins opened a window, and asked what was the
matter. “The matter!” answered the lieutenant; “no great
matter, young woman; I have business with the old gentleman, and this spark,
belike, won’t allow me to come alongside of him,” that’s all.
After a few minutes pause we were admitted, and conducted to my
grandfather’s chamber through a lane of my relations, who honoured me
with very significant looks as I passed along. When we came into the
judge’s presence my uncle, after two or three sea-bows, expressed himself
in this manner; “Your servant, your servant. What cheer, father? what
cheer? I suppose you don’t know me—mayhap you don’t. My name
is Tom Bowling, and this here boy, you look as if you did not know him neither;
’tis like you mayn’t. He’s new rigged, i’faith; his
cloth don’t shake in the wind so much as it wont to do. ’Tis my
nephew, d’y see, Roderick Random—your own flesh and blood, old
gentleman. Don’t lay a-stern, you dog,” pulling me forward. My
grandfather (who was laid up with the gout) received this relation, after his
long absence, with that coldness of civility which was peculiar to him; told
him he was glad to see him, and desired him to sit down. “Thank ye, thank
ye, sir, I had as lief stand,” said my uncle; “for my own part, I
desire nothing of you; but, if you have any conscience at all, do something for
this poor boy, who has been used at a very unchristian rate. Unchristian do I
call it? I am sure the Moors in Barbary have more humanity than to leave their
little ones to want. I would fain know why my sister’s son is more
neglected than that there fair-weather Jack” (pointing to the young
squire, who with the rest of my cousins had followed us into the room).
“Is not he as near akin to you as the other? Is he not much handsomer and
better built than that great chucklehead? Come, come, consider, old gentleman,
you are going in a short time to give an account of your evil actions. Remember
the wrongs you did his father, and make all the satisfaction in your power
before it be too late. The least thing you can do is to settle his
father’s portion on him.”

The young ladies, who thought themselves too much concerned to contain
themselves any longer, set up their throats all together against my
protector—“Scurvy companion—saucy tarpaulin—rude,
impertinent fellow, did he think to prescribe to grandpapa? His sister’s
brat had been too well taken care of. Grandpapa was too just not make a
difference between an unnatural, rebellious son and his dutiful, loving
children, who took his advice in all things;” and such expressions were
vented against him with great violence; until the judge at length commanded
silence. He calmly rebuked my uncle for his unmannerly behaviour, which he said
he would excuse on account of his education: he told him he had been very kind
to the boy, whom he had kept at school seven or eight years, although he was
informed he made no progress in his learning but was addicted to all manner of
vice, which he rather believed, because he himself was witness to a barbarous
piece of mischief he had committed on the jaws of his chaplain. But, however,
he would see what the lad was fit for, and bind him apprentice to some honest
tradesman or other, provided he would mend his manners, and behave for the
future as became him.

The honest tar (whose pride and indignation boiled within him) answered my
grandfather, that it was true he had sent him to school, but it had cost him
nothing, for he had never been at one shilling expense to furnish him with
food, raiment, books, or other necessaries; so that it was not much to be
wondered at, if the boy made small progress; and yet whoever told him so was a
lying, lubberly rascal, and deserved to be keel-haul’d; for though he
(the lieutenant) did not understand those matters himself, he was well informed
as how Rory was the best scholar of his age in all the country; the truth of
which he would maintain, by laying a wager of his whole half-year’s pay
on the boy’s head—with these words he pulled out his purse, and
challenged the company: “Neither is he predicted to vice, as you affirm,
but rather, left like a wreck, d’ye see, at the mercy of the wind and
weather, by your neglect, old gentleman. As for what happened to your chaplain,
I am only sorry that he did not knock out the scoundrel’s brains instead
of his teeth. By the Lord, if ever I come up with him, he had better be in
Greenland, that’s all. Thank you for your courteous offer of binding the
lad apprentice to a tradesman. I suppose you would make a tailor of
him—would you? I had rather see him hang’d, d’ye see. Come
along, Rory, I perceive how the land lies, my boy—let’s tack about,
i’faith—while I have a shilling you shan’t want a tester.
B’we, old gentleman; you’re bound for the other world, but I
believe damnably ill-provided for the voyage.” Thus ended our visit; and
we returned to the village, my uncle muttering curses all the way against the
old shark and the young fry that surrounded him.

CHAPTER IV

My Grandfather makes his Will—our second Visit—he Dies—his
Will is read in Presence of all his living Descendants—the Disappointment
of my female Cousins—my Uncle’s Behaviour

A few weeks after our first visit, we were informed that the old judge, at the
end of a fit of thoughtfulness, which lasted three days, had sent for a notary
and made his will; that the distemper had mounted from his legs to his stomach,
and, being conscious of his approaching end, he had desired to see all his
descendants without exception. In obedience to this summons, my uncle set out
with me a second time, to receive the last benediction of my grandfather: often
repeating by the road, “Ey, ey, we have brought up the old hulk at last.
You shall see—you shall see the effect of my admonition,” When we
entered his chamber, which was crowded with his relations, we advanced to the
bedside, where we found him in his last agonies, supported by two of his
granddaughters, who sat on each side of him, sobbing most piteously, and wiping
away the froth and slaver as it gathered on his lips, which they frequently
kissed with a show of great anguish and affection. My uncle approached him with
these words, “What! he’s not a-weigh. How fare ye? how fare ye, old
gentleman? Lord have mercy upon your poor sinful soul!” Upon which, the
dying man turned his languid eyes towards us, and Mr. Bowling went
on—“Here’s poor Roy come to see you before you die, and to
receive your blessing. What, man! don’t despair, you have been a great
sinner, ’tis true,—what then? There’s a righteous judge
above, an’t there? He minds me no more than a porpoise. Yes, yes,
he’s a-going; the land crabs will have him, I see that! his
anchor’s a-peak, i’faith.” This homely consolation
scandalised the company so much, and especially the parson, who probably
thought his province invaded, that we were obliged to retire into another room,
where, in a few minutes, we were convinced of my grandfather’s decease,
by a dismal yell uttered by the young ladies in his apartment; whither we
immediately hastened, and found his heir, who had retired a little before into
a closet, under pretence of giving vent to his sorrow, asking, with a
countenance beslubbered with tears, if his grandpapa was certainly dead?
“Dead!” (says my uncle, looking, at the body) “ay, ay,
I’ll warrant him as dead as a herring. Odd’s fish! now my dream is
out for all the world. I thought I stood upon the forecastle, and saw a parcel
of carrion crows foul of a dead shark: that floated alongside, and the devil
perching upon our spritsail yard, in the likeness of a blue bear—who,
d’ye see jumped overboard upon the carcass and carried it to the bottom
in his claws.” “Out upon thee, reprobate” cries the parson
“out upon thee, blasphemous wretch! Dost thou think his honour’s
soul is in the possession of Satan?” The clamour immediately arose, and
my poor uncle, being, shouldered from one corner of the room to the other, was
obliged to lug out in his own defence, and swear he would turn out for no man,
till such time as he knew who had the title to send him adrift. “None of
your tricks upon travellers,” said he; “mayhap old Bluff has left
my kinsman here his heir: if he has, it will be the better for his miserable
soul. Odds bob! I’d desire no better news. I’d soon make him a
clear shin, I warrant you.” To avoid any further disturbance, one of my
grandfather’s executors, who was present, assured Mr. Bowling, that his
nephew should have all manner of justice; that a day should be appointed after
the funeral for examining the papers of the deceased, in presence of all his
relations; till which time every desk and cabinet in the house should remain
close sealed; and that he was very welcome to be witness to this ceremony,
which was immediately performed to his satisfaction. In the meantime, orders
were given to provide mourning for all the relations, in which number I was
included; but my uncle would not suffer me to accept of it, until I should be
assured whether or no I had reason to honour his memory so far. During this
interval, the conjectures of people, with regard to the old gentleman’s
will, were various: as it was well known, he had, besides his landed estate,
which was worth £700 per annum, six or seven thousand pounds at interest, some
imagined that the whole real estate (which he had greatly improved) would go to
the young man whom he always entertained as his heir; and that the money would
be equally divided between my female cousins (five in number) and me. Others
were of opinion, that, as the rest of the children had been already provided
for, he would only bequeath two or three hundred pounds to each of his
granddaughters, and leave the bulk of the sum to me, to atone for his unnatural
usage of my father. At length the important hour arrived, and the will was
produced in the midst of the expectants, whose looks and gestures formed a
group that would have been very entertaining to an unconcerned spectator. But,
the reader can scarce conceive the astonishment and mortification that
appeared, when an attorney pronounced aloud, the young squire sole heir of all
his grandfather’s estate, personal and real. My uncle, who had listened
with great attention, sucking the head of his cudgel all the while, accompanied
these words of the attorney with a stare, and whew, that alarmed the whole
assembly. The eldest and pertest of my female competitors, who had been always
very officious about my grandfather’s person, inquired, with a faltering
accent and visage as yellow as an orange, “if there were no
legacies?” and was answered, “None at all.” Upon which she
fainted away. The rest, whose expectations, perhaps, were not so sanguine,
supported their disappointment with more resolution, though not without giving
evident marks of indignation, and grief at least as genuine as that which
appeared in them at the old gentleman’s death. My conductor, after having
kicked with his heel for some time against the wainscot, began: “So
there’s no legacy, friend, ha!—here’s an old succubus; but
somebody’s soul howls for it, d—n me!” The parson of the
parish, who was one of the executors, and had acted as ghostly director to the
old man, no sooner heard this exclamation than he cried out, “Avaunt,
unchristian reviler! avaunt! wilt thou not allow the soul of his honour to rest
in peace?” But this zealous pastor did not find himself so warmly
seconded, as formerly, by the young ladies, who now joined my uncle against
him, and accused him of having acted the part of a busybody with their
grandpapa whose ears he had certainly abused by false stories to their
prejudice, or else he would not have neglected them in such an unnatural
manner. The young squire was much diverted with this scene, and whispered to my
uncle, that if he had not murdered his dogs, he would have shown him glorious
fun, by hunting a black badger (so he termed the clergyman). The surly
lieutenant, who was not in a humour to relish this amusement, replied,
“You and your dogs may be damn’d. I suppose you’ll find them
with your old dad, in the latitude of hell. Come, Rory,—about ship, my
lad, we must steer another course, I think.” And away we went.

CHAPTER V

The Schoolmaster uses me barbarously—I form a Project of Revenge, in
which I am assisted by my Uncle—I leave the Village—am settled at a
University by his Generosity

On our way back to the village, my uncle spoke not a word during the space of a
whole hour, but whistled with great vehemence the tune of “Why should we
quarrel for riches,” etc. his visage being contracted all the while into
a most formidable frown. At length his pace increased to such a degree that I
was left behind a considerable way: then he waited for me; and when I was
almost up with him, called out in a surly tone, “Bear a hand, damme! must
I bring to every minute for you, you lazy dog.” Then, laying hold of me
by the arm, hauled me along, until his good nature (of which he had a great
share) and reflection getting the better of his he said, “Come, my boy,
don’t be cast down,—the old rascal is in hell, that’s some
satisfaction; you shall go to sea with me, my lad. A light heart and a thin
pair of breeches goes through the world, brave boys, as the song
goes—eh!” Though this proposal did not at all suit my inclination,
I was afraid of discovering my aversion to it, lest I should disoblige the only
friend I had in the world; and he was so much a seaman that he never dreamt I
could have had any objection to his design; consequently gave himself no
trouble in consulting my approbation. But this resolution was soon dropped, by
the device of our usher, who assured Mr. Bowling, it would be a thousand pities
to balk my genius, which would certainly one day make my fortune on shore,
provided it received due cultivation. Upon which, this generous tar determined
(though he could ill afford it) to give me university education; and
accordingly settled my board and other expenses, at a town not many miles
distant, famous for its colleges, whither we repaired in a short time. But,
before the day of our departure, the schoolmaster, who no longer had the fear
of my grandfather before his eyes, laid aside all decency and restraint, and
not only abused me in the grossest language his rancour could suggest, as a
wicked, profligate, dull, beggarly miscreant, whom he had taught out of
charity; but also inveighed in the most bitter manner against the memory of the
judge (who by the by had procured that settlement for him), hinting, in pretty
plain terms, that the old gentleman’s soul was damned to all eternity for
his injustice in neglecting to pay for my learning.

This brutal behaviour, added to the sufferings I had formerly undergone made me
think it high time to be revenged on this insolent pedagogue. Having consulted
my adherents, I found them all staunch in their promises to stand by me; and
our scheme was this:—In the afternoon preceding to the day of our
departure for the University, I resolved to take the advantage of the
usher’s going out to make water (which he regularly did at four
o’clock), and shut the great door, that he might not come to the
assistance of his superior. This being done, the assault was to be begun by my
advancing to my master and spitting in his face. I was to be seconded by two of
the strongest boys in the school, who were devoted to me; their business was to
join me in dragging the tyrant to a bench, over which he was to be laid, and
his bare posteriors heartily flogged, with his own birch, which we proposed to
wrest from him in his struggle; but if we should find him too many for us all
three, we were to demand the assistance of our competitors, who should be ready
to enforce us, or oppose anything that might be undertaken for the
master’s relief. One of my principal assistants was called Jeremy Gawky,
son and heir of a wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood; and the name of the
other, Hugh Strap, the cadet of a family which had given shoemakers to the
village time out of mind. I had once saved Gawky’s life, by plunging into
a river and dragging him on shore, when he was on the point of being drowned. I
had often rescued him from the clutches of those whom his insufferable
arrogance had provoked to a resentment he was not able to sustain; and many
times saved his reputation and posteriors, by performing his exercises at
school; so that it is not to be wondered at, if he had a particular regard for
me and my interests. The attachment of Strap flowed from a voluntary,
disinterested inclination, which had manifested itself on many occasions in my
behalf, he having once rendered me the same service that I had rendered Gawky,
by saving my life at the risk of his own; and often fathered offences that I
had committed, for which he suffered severely, rather than I should feel the
weight of the punishment. These two champions were the more willing to engage
in this enterprise, because they intended to leave the school next day, as well
as I; the first being ordered by his father to return into the country, and the
other being bound apprentice to his barber, at a market town not far off.

In the meantime, my uncle, being informed of my master’s behaviour to me,
was enraged at his insolence, and vowed revenge so heartily that I could not
refrain from telling him the scheme I had concerted, while he heard with great
satisfaction, at every sentence squirting out a mouthful of spittle, tinctured
with tobacco, of which he constantly chewed a large quid. At last, pulling up
his breeches, he cried, “No, no, z—ds! that won’t do neither;
howsoever, ’tis a bold undertaking, my lad, that I must say,
i’faith; but lookee, lookee, how do you propose to get clear
off—won’t the enemy give chase, my boy?—ay, ay, that he will,
I warrant, and alarm the whole coast; ah! God help thee, more sail than
ballast, Rory. Let me alone for that—leave the whole to me. I’ll
show him the foretopsail, I will. If so be your shipmates are jolly boys, and
won’t flinch, you shall see, you shall see; egad, I’ll play him
such a salt-water trick I’ll bring him to the gangway and anoint him with
a cat-and-nine-tails; he shall have a round dozen doubled, my lad, he
shall—and be left lashed to his meditations.” We were very proud of
our associate, who immediately went to work, and prepared the instrument of his
revenge with great skill and expedition; after which, he ordered our baggage to
be packed up and sent off, a day before our attempt, and got horses ready to be
mounted, as soon as the affair should be over. At length the hour arrived, when
our auxiliary, seizing the opportunity of the usher’s absence, bolted in,
secured the door, and immediately laid hold of the pedant by his collar who
bawled out, “Murder, Thieves,” with the voice of a Stentor. Though
I trembled all over like an aspen leaf, I knew there was no time to be lost,
and accordingly got up, and summoned our associates to our assistance. Strap,
without any hesitation, obeyed the signal, and seeing me leap upon the
master’s back, ran immediately to one of his legs, which pulling with all
his force, this dreadful adversary was humbled to the ground; upon which Gawky,
who had hitherto remained in his place, under the influence of a universal
trepidation, hastened to the scene of action, and insulted the fallen tyrant
with a loud huzza, in which the whole school joined. The noise alarmed the
usher, who, finding himself shut out, endeavoured, partly by threats and partly
by entreaties, to procure admission. My uncle bade him have a little patience,
and he would let him in presently; but if he pretended to stir from that place,
it should fare the worse with the son of a bitch his superior, on whom he
intended only to bestow a little wholesome chastisement, for his barbarous
usage of Rory, “to which,” said he, “you are no
stranger.” By this time we had dragged the criminal to a post, to which
Bowling tied him with a rope he had provided on purpose; after having secured
his hands and stripped his back. In this ludicrous posture he stood (to the no
small entertainment of the boys, who crowded about him, and shouted with great
exultation at the novelty of the sight), venting bitter imprecations against
the lieutenant, and reproaching his scholars with treachery and rebellion; when
the usher was admitted, whom my uncle accosted in this manner: “Harkee,
Mr. Syntax, I believe you are an honest man, d’ye see—and I have a
respect for you—but for all that, we must, for our own security,
d’ye see, belay you for a short time.” With these words, he pulled
out some fathoms of cord, which the honest man no sooner saw than he protested
with great earnestness he would allow no violence to be offered to him, at the
same time accusing me of perfidy and ingratitude. But Bowling representing that
it was in vain to resist, and that he did not mean to use him with violence and
indecency, but only to hinder him from raising the hue and cry against us
before we should be out of their power, he allowed himself to be bound to his
own desk, where he sat a spectator of the punishment inflicted on his
principal. My uncle, having upbraided this arbitrary wretch with his inhumanity
to me, told him, that he proposed to give him a little discipline for the good
of his soul, which he immediately put in practice, with great vigour and
dexterity. This smart application to the pedant’s withered posteriors
gave him such exquisite pain that he roared like a mad bull, danced, cursed,
and blasphemed, like a frantic bedlamite. When the lieutenant thought himself
sufficiently revenged, he took his leave of him in these words: “Now,
friend, you’ll remember me the longest day you have to live; I have given
you a lesson that will let you know what flogging is, and teach you to have
more sympathy for the future. Shout, boys, shout!”

This ceremony was no sooner over than my uncle proposed they should quit the
school, and convey their old comrade Rory to the public-house, about a mile
from the village, where he would treat them all. His offer being joyfully
embraced, he addressed himself to Mr. Syntax, and begged him to accompany us;
but this invitation he refused with great disdain, telling my benefactor he was
not the man he took him to be. “Well, well, old surly,” replied my
uncle, shaking his hand, “thou art an honest fellow notwithstanding; and
if ever I have the command of a ship, thou shalt be our schoolmaster,
i’faith.” So saying he dismissed the boys, and locking the door,
left the two preceptors to console one another; while we moved forwards on our
journey, attended by a numerous retinue, whom he treated according to his
promise.

We parted with many tears, and lay that night at an inn on the road, about ten
miles short of the town where I was to remain, at which we arrived next day,
and I found I had no cause to complain of the accommodations provided for me,
in being boarded at the house of an apothecary, who had married a distant
relation of my mother. In a few days after, my uncle set out for his ship,
having settled the necessary funds for my maintenance and education.

CHAPTER VI

I make great progress in my Studies—am caressed by Everybody—my
female Cousins take notice of me—I reject their Invitation—they are
incensed, and conspire against me—am left destitute by a Misfortune that
befalls my Uncle—Gawky’s Treachery—my Revenge

As I was now capable of reflection, I began to consider my precarious
situation; that I was utterly abandoned by those whose duty it was to protect
me: and that my sole dependence was on the generosity of one man, who was not
only exposed by his profession to continual dangers, which might one day
deprive me of him for ever; but also (no doubt) subject to those vicissitudes
of disposition which a change of fortune usually creates, or which a better
acquaintance with the world might produce; for I always ascribed his
benevolence to the dictates of a heart as yet undebauched by a commerce with
mankind. Alarmed at these considerations, I resolved to apply myself with great
care to my studies, and enjoy the opportunity in my power: this I did with such
success that, in the space of three years, I understood Greek very well, was
pretty far advanced in the mathematics, and no stranger to moral and natural
philosophy: logic I made no account of; but, above all things, I valued myself
on my taste in the belles lettres, and a talent for poetry, which had already
produced some pieces that had met with a favourable reception. These
qualifications, added to a good face and shape, acquired the esteem and
acquaintance of the most considerable people in town, and I had the
satisfaction to find myself in some degree of favour with the ladies; an
intoxicating piece of good fortune to one of my amorous complexion! which I
obtained, or at least preserved, by gratifying their propensity to scandal, in
lampooning their rivals.

Two of my female cousins lived in this place, with their mother, since the
death of their father, who left his whole fortune equally divided between them;
so that, if they were not the most beautiful, they were at least the richest
toasts in town; and received daily the addresses of all the beaux and cavaliers
of the country. Although I had hitherto been looked upon by them with the most
supercilious contempt, my character now attracted their notice so much that I
was given to understand I might be honoured with their acquaintance, if I
pleased.

The reader will easily perceive that this condescension either flowed from the
hope of making my poetical capacity subservient to their malice, or at least of
screening themselves from the lash of my resentment, which they had effectually
provoked. I enjoyed this triumph with great satisfaction, and not only rejected
their offer with disdain, but in all my performances, whether satire or
panegyric, industriously avoided mentioning their names, even while I
celebrated those of their intimates: this neglect mortified their pride
exceedingly and incensed them to such a degree that they were resolved to make
me repent of my indifference. The first stroke of their revenge consisted in
their hiring a poor collegian to write verses against me, the subject of which
was my own poverty, and the catastrophe of my unhappy parents; but, besides the
badness of the composition (of which they themselves were ashamed), they did
not find their account in endeavouring to reproach me with those misfortunes
which they and their relations had brought upon me; and which consequently
reflected much more dishonour on themselves than on me, who was the innocent
victim of their barbarity and avarice.

Finding this plan miscarry, they found means to irritate a young gentleman
against me, by telling him I had lampooned his mistress; and so effectually
succeeded in the quality of incendiaries that this enraged lover determined to
seize me next night as I returned to my lodgings from a friend’s house
that I frequented: with this view, he waited in the street, attended by two of
his companions, to whom he had imparted his design of carrying me down to the
river, in which proposed to have me heartily ducked, notwithstanding the
severity of the weather, it being then about the middle of December. But this
stratagem did not succeed; for, being apprised of their ambush, I got home
another way, and by the help of my landlord’s apprentice, discharged a
volley from the garret window, which did great execution upon them, and next
day occasioned so much mirth at their expense that they found themselves under
a necessity of leaving the town, until the adventure should be entirely
forgotten.

My cousins (though twice baffled in their expectation) did not, however, desist
from persecuting me, who had now enraged them beyond a possibility of
forgiveness by detecting their malice and preventing its effects: neither
should I have found them more humane, had I patiently submitted to their
rancour, and borne without murmuring the rigour of their unreasonable hate; for
I have found by experience, that though small favours may be acknowledged and
slight injuries atoned, there is no wretch so ungrateful as he whom you have
most generously obliged, and no enemy so implacable as those who have done you
the greatest wrong. These good-natured creatures, therefore, had recourse to a
scheme which conspired with a piece of bad news I soon after received, to give
them all the satisfaction they desired: this plan was to debauch the faith of
my companion and confidant, who betrayed the trust I reposed in him, by
imparting to them the particulars of my small amours, which they published with
such exaggerations that I suffered very much in the opinion of everybody, and
was utterly discarded by the dear creatures whose names had been called in
question.

While I was busy in tracing out the author of this treachery, that I might not
only be revenged on him, but also vindicate my character to my friends, I one
day perceived the looks of my landlady much altered, when I went home to my
dinner, and inquiring into the cause, she screwed up her mouth, and fixed her
eyes on the ground, told me her husband had received a letter from Mr. Bowling,
with one inclosed for me. She was very sorry for what had happened, both for my
sake and his own—people should be more cautious of their
conduct—she was always afraid his brutal behaviour would bring him into
some misfortune or other. As for her part, she should be very ready to befriend
me; but she had a small family of her own to maintain. The world would do
nothing for her if she should come to want—charity begins at home: she
wished I had been bound to some substantial handicraft, such as a weaver or a
shoemaker, rather than loiter away my time in learning foolish nonsense, that
would never bring me in a penny but some folks are wise, and some are
otherwise.

I was listening to this mysterious discourse with great amazement, when her
husband entered, and, without speaking a syllable, put both the letters into my
hand. I received them trembling, and read what follows:

‘To Mr. Roger Potion
    ‘Sir,
    ‘This is to let you know that I have quitted the Thunder man of war,
being obliged to sheer off for killing my captain, which I did fairly on the
beach, at Cape Tiberoon, in the Island of Hispaniola; having received his fire
and returned it, which went through his body: and I would serve the best man so
that ever stepped between stem and stern, if so be that he struck me, as
Captain Oakum did. I am (thank God) safe among the French, who are very civil,
though I don’t understand their lingo; and I hope to be restored in a
little time, for all the great friends and parliamentary interest of the
captain, for I have sent over to my landlord in Deal an account of the whole
affair, with our bearings and distances while we were engaged, whereby I have
desired him to lay it before his majesty, who (God bless him) will not suffer
an honest tar to be wronged. My love to your spouse, and am

‘Your loving friend and servant to command, while
‘Thomas Bowling,’

‘To Roderick Random
    ‘Dear Rory,
    ‘Don’t be grieved at my misfortune, but mind your book, my lad.
I have got no money to send you, but what of that? Mr. Potion will take care of
you for the love he bears to me, and let you want for nothing; and it shall go
hard but I will see him one day repaid. No more at present, but rests

‘Your dutiful uncle and servant, till death,
‘Thomas Bowling.’

This letter (which, with the other, was dated from Port Louis, in Hispaniola) I
had no sooner read than the apothecary, shaking his head, began: “I have
a very great regard for Mr. Bowling that’s certain; and could be well
content—but times are very hard. There’s no such thing as money to
be got; I believe ’tis all vanished under ground, for my part. Besides, I
have been out of pocket already, having entertained you since the beginning of
this month, without receiving a sixpence, and God knows if ever I shall; for I
believe it will go hard with your uncle. And more than that, I was thinking of
giving you warning, for I want your apartment for a new prentice, whom I expect
from the country every hour. So I desire you will this week provide yourself
with another lodging.”

The indignation which this harangue inspired gave me spirits to support my
reverse of fortune, and to tell him I despised his mean selfish disposition so
much that I would rather starve than be beholden to him for one single meal.
Upon which, out of my pocket money, I paid him to the last farthing of what I
owed, and assured him, I would not sleep another night under his roof.

This said, I sallied out in a transport of rage and sorrow, without knowing
whither to fly for shelter, having not one friend in the world capable of
relieving me, and only three shillings in my purse. After giving way for a few
minutes to the dictates of my rage, I went and hired a small bedroom, at the
rate of one shilling and sixpence per week, which I was obliged to pay per
advance, before the landlord would receive me: thither I removed my luggage;
and next morning got up, with a view of craving the advice and assistance of a
person who had on all occasions loaded me with caresses and made frequent
offers of friendship, while I was under no necessity of accepting them. He
received me with his wonted affability, and insisted on my breakfasting with
him, a favour which I did not think fit to refuse. But when I communicated the
occasion of my visit, he appeared so disconcerted that I concluded him
wonderfully affected with the misery of my condition and looked upon him as a
man of the most extensive sympathy and benevolence. He did not leave me long
under this mistake; for, recovering himself from his confusion, he told me he
was grieved at my misfortune, and desired to know what had passed between my
landlord, Mr. Potion, and me. Whereupon I recounted the conversation; and, when
I repeated the answer I made to his ungenerous remonstrance with regard to my
leaving his house, this pretended friend affected a stare, and exclaimed,
“Is it possible you could behave so ill to the man who had treated you so
kindly all along?”

My surprise at hearing this was not at all affected, whatever his might be; and
I gave to understand with some warmth, that I did not imagine he would so
unreasonably espouse the cause of a scoundrel who ought to be expelled from
every social community. This heat of mine gave him all the advantage he desired
over me, and our discourse, after much altercation, concluded in his desiring
never to see me again in that place; to which desire I yielded my consent,
assuring him, that, had I been as well acquainted with his principles formerly
as I was now, he never should have had an opportunity of making that request.
And thus we parted.

On my return, I met my comrade, Squire Gawky, whom his father had sent, some
time ago, to town, for his improvement in writing, dancing, fencing, and other
modish qualifications. As I had lived with him since his arrival on the footing
of our old intimacy, I made no scruple of informing him of the lowness of my
circumstances, and asking a small supply of money, to answer my present
expense; upon which he pulled out a handful of halfpence with a shilling or two
among them, and swore that was all he had to keep his pocket till next
quarter-day he having lost the greatest part of his allowance the night before
at billiards. Though this assertion might very well be true, I was extremely
mortified at his indifference: for he neither expressed any sympathy for my
mishap nor desire of alleviating my distress; and accordingly I left him
without uttering one word: but, when I afterwards understood that he was the
person who had formerly betrayed me to the malice of my cousins, to whom
likewise he had carried the tidings of my forlorn situation, which afforded
them great matter of triumph and exultation, I determined with myself to call
him to a severe account for which purpose I borrowed a sword, and wrote a
challenge, desiring him to meet me at a certain time and place, that I might
have an opportunity of punishing his perfidy, at the expense of his blood. He
accepted the invitation, and I betook myself to the field, though not without
feeling considerable repugnance to the combat, which frequently attacked me in
cold sweats by the way; but the desire of revenge, the shame of retracting, and
hope of conquest, conspired to repel these unmanly symptoms of fear; and I
appeared on the plain with a good grace: there I waited an hour beyond the time
appointed, and was not ill pleased to find he had no mind to meet me, because I
should have an opportunity of exposing his cowardice, displaying my own
courage, and of beating him soundly wheresoever I should find, without any
dread of the consequence.

Elevated with these suggestions, which entirely banished all thoughts of my
deplorable condition, I went directly to Gawky’s lodgings, where I was
informed of his precipitate retreat, he having set out for the country in less
than an hour after he had received my billet; and I was vain enough to have the
whole story inserted in the news, although I was fain to sell a gold laced hat
to my landlord for less than half-price, to defray the expenses and contribute
to my subsistence.

CHAPTER VII

I am entertained by Mr. Crab—a description of him—I acquire the Art
of Surgery—consult Crab’s Disposition—become necessary to
him—an Accident happens—he advises me to launch out into the
world—assists me with Money—I set out for London

The fumes of my resentment being dissipated, as well as the vanity of my
success, I found myself deserted to all the horrors of extreme want, and
avoided by mankind as a creature of a different species, or rather as a
solitary being, noways comprehended within the scheme or protection of
Providence. My despair had rendered me almost quite stupified, when I was one
day told, that a gentleman desired to see me at a certain public-house, whither
immediately I repaired; and was introduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab, a surgeon
in town, who was engaged with two more in drinking a liquor called pop-in,
composed by mixing a quartern of brandy with a quart of small beer. Before I
relate the occasion of this message, I believe it will not be disagreeable to
the reader, if I describe the gentleman who sent for me, and mention some
circumstances of his character and conduct which may illustrate what follows,
and account for his behaviour to me.

This member of the faculty was aged fifty, about five feet high, and ten round
the belly; his face was as capacious as a full moon, and much of the complexion
of a mulberry: his nose, resembling a powder-horn, was swelled to an enormous
size, and studded all over with carbuncles; and his little gray eyes reflected
the rays in such an oblique manner that, while he looked a person full in the
face, one would have imagined he was admiring the buckle of his shoe. He had
long entertained an implacable resentment against Potion, who, though a younger
practitioner, was better employed than he, and once had the assurance to
perform a cure, whereby he disappointed and disgraced the prognostic of the
said Crab. This quarrel which was at one time upon the point of being made up,
by the interposition and mediation of friends, had been lately inflamed beyond
a possibility of reconciliation by the respective wives of the opponents, who,
chancing to meet at a christening, disagreed about precedence, proceeded from
invectives to blows, and were with great difficulty, by the gossips, prevented
from converting the occasion of joy into a scene of lamentation.

The difference between these rivals was in the height of rancour, when I
received the message of Crab, who received me as civilly as I could have
expected from one of his disposition; and, after desiring me to sit, inquired
into the particulars of my leaving the house of Potion; which when I had
related, he said, with a malicious grin, “There’s a sneaking dog! I
always thought him a fellow without a soul, d—n me, a canting scoundrel,
who has crept into business by his hypocrisy, and kissing the a—e of
every body.”—“Ay, ay,” says another, “one might
see with half an eye that the rascal has no honesty in him, by his going so
regularly to church.”

This sentence was confirmed by a third, who assured his companions that Potion
was never known to be disguised in liquor but once, at a meeting of the godly,
where he had distinguished himself by an extempore prayer an hour long. After
this preamble, Crab addressed himself to me in these words: “Well, my
lad, I have heard a good character of you, and I’ll do for you. You may
send your things to my house when you please. I have given orders for your
reception. Zounds! What does the booby stare at? If you have no mind to embrace
my courteous offer, you may let it alone, and be d—d.” I answered
with a submissive bow, that I was far from rejecting his friendly offer, which
I would immediately accept, as soon as he should inform me on what footing I
was to be entertained. “What footing! D—n my blood,” cried
he, “d’ye expect to have a footman and a couple of horses kept for
you?” “No, sir,” I replied, “my expectations are not
quite so sanguine. That I may be as little burthensome as possible, I would
willingly serve in your shop, by which means I may save you the expense of a
journeyman, or porter at least, for I understand a little pharmacy, having
employed some of my leisure hours in the practice of that art, while I lived
with Mr. Potion; neither am I altogether ignorant of surgery, which I have
studied with great pleasure and application.”—“Oho! you
did,” says Crab. “Gentlemen, here is a complete artist! Studied
surgery! What? in books, I suppose. I shall have you disputing with me one of
these days on points of my profession. You can already account for muscular
motion, I warrant, and explain the mystery of the brain and nerves—ha!
You are too learned for me, d—n me. But let’s have no more of this
stuff. Can you blood and give a clyster, spread a plaster, and prepare a
potion?” Upon my answering in the affirmative, he shock his head, telling
me, he believed he should have little good of me, for all my promises; but,
however, he would take me in for the sake of charity. I was accordingly that
very night admitted to his house, and had an apartment assigned to me in the
garret, which I was fain to put up with, notwithstanding the mortification my
pride suffered in this change of circumstances.

I was soon convinced of the real motives which induced Crab to receive me in
this manner; for, besides the gratification of his revenge, by exposing the
selfishness of his antagonist, in opposition to his own generosity, which was
all affectation, he had occasion for a young man who understood something of
the profession, to fill up the place of his eldest apprentice, lately dead, not
without violent suspicion of foul play from his master’s brutality. The
knowledge of this circumstance, together with his daily behaviour to his wife
and the young apprentice, did not at all contribute to my enjoying my new
situation with ease; however, as I did not perceive how I could bestow myself
to better advantage, I resolved to study Crab’s temper with all the
application, and manage it with all the address in my power. And it was not
long before I found out a strange peculiarity of humour which governed his
behaviour towards all his dependents. I observed, when he was pleased, he was
such a niggard of his satisfaction that, if his wife or servants betrayed the
least symptom of participation, he was offended to an insupportable degree of
choler and fury, the effects of which they seldom failed to feel. And when his
indignation was roused, submission and soothing always exasperated it beyond
the bounds of reason and humanity. I therefore pursued a contrary plan; and one
day, when he honoured me with the names of ignorant whelp and lazy ragamuffin,
I boldly replied, I was neither ignorant nor lazy, since I both understood and
performed my business as well as he could do for his soul; neither was it just
to call me ragamuffin, for I had a whole coat on my back, and was descended
from a better family than any he could boast an alliance with.

He gave tokens of great amazement at this assurance of mine, and shook his cane
over my head, regarding me all the time with a countenance truly diabolical.
Although I was terribly startled at his menacing looks and posture, I yet had
reflection enough left to convince me I had gone too far to retract, and that
this was the critical minute which must decide my future lot in his service; I
therefore snatched up the pestle of a mortar, and swore, if he offered to
strike me without a cause, I should see whether his skull or my weapon was
hardest.

He continued silent for some time, and at last broke forth into these
ejaculations: “This is fine usage from a servant to his master—very
fine! damnation! but no matter, you shall pay for this, you dog, you shall;
I’ll do your business—yes, yes, I’ll teach you to lift your
hand against me.” So saying, he retired, and left me under dreadful
apprehensions, which vanished entirely at our next meeting, when he behaved
with unusual complacency, and treated me with a glass of punch after dinner.

By this conduct I got the ascendancy over him in a short time, and became so
necessary to him, in managing his business while he was engaged at the bottle,
that fortune began to wear a kinder aspect; and I consoled myself for the
disregard of my former acquaintance, with the knowledge I daily imbibed by a
close application to the duties of my employment, in which I succeeded beyond
my own expectation. I was on very good terms with my master’s wife, whose
esteem I acquired and cultivated, by representing Mrs. Potion in the most
ridiculous lights my satirical talents could invent, as well as by rendering
her some Christian offices, when she had been too familiar with the dram
bottle, to which she had oftentimes recourse for consolation, under the
affliction she suffered from a barbarous husband.

In this manner I lived, without hearing the least tidings of my uncle for the
space of two years, during which time I kept little or no company, being
neither in a humour to relish nor in a capacity to maintain much acquaintance;
for the Nabal my master allowed me no wages, and the small perquisites of my
station scarcely supplied me with the common necessaries of life. I was no
longer a pert unthinking coxcomb, giddy with popular applause, and elevated
with the extravagance of hope: my misfortunes had taught me how little the
caresses of the world, during a man’s prosperity, are to be valued by
him; and how seriously and expeditiously he ought to set about making himself
independent of them. My present appearance, therefore, was the least of my
care, which was wholly engrossed in laying up a stock of instruction that might
secure me against the caprice of fortune for the future. I became such a
sloven, and contracted such an air of austerity, that everybody pronounced me
crestfallen; and Gawky returned to town without running any risk from my
resentment, which was by this time pretty much cooled, and restrained by
prudential reasons so effectually that I never so much as thought of obtaining
satisfaction for the injuries he had done me.

When I deemed myself sufficiently master of my business I began to cast about
for an opportunity of launching into the world, in hope of finding some
provision that might make amends for the difficulties I had undergone; but, as
this could not be effected without a small sum of money to equip me for the
field, I was in the utmost perplexity how to raise it, well knowing that Crab,
for his own sake, would never put me in a condition to leave him, when his
interest was so much concerned in my stay. But a small accident, which happened
about this time, determined him in my favour. This was no other than the
pregnancy of his maidservant, who declared her situation to me, assuring me at
the same time that I was the occasion of it.

Although I had no reason to question the truth of this imputation, I was not
ignorant of the familiarities which had passed between her master and her,
taking the advantage of which I represented to her the folly of laying the
burden at my door, when she might dispose of it to much better purpose with Mr.
Crab. She listened to my advice, and next day acquainted him with the pretended
success of their mutual endeavours. He was far from being overjoyed at this
proof of his vigour, which he foresaw might have very troublesome consequences;
not that he dreaded any domestic grumblings and reproaches from his wife, whom
he kept in perfect subjection; but because he knew it would furnish his rival
Potion with a handle for insulting and undermining his reputation, there being
no scandal equal to that of uncleanness, in the opinion of those who inhabit
the part of the island where he lived. He therefore took a resolution worthy of
himself, which was, to persuade the girl that she was not with child, but only
afflicted with a disorder incidental to young women, which he could easily
remove: with this view (as he pretended) he prescribed for her such medicines
as he thought would infallibly procure abortion; but in this scheme he was
disappointed, for the maid, being advertised by me of his design, and at the
same time well acquainted with her own condition, absolutely refused to follow
his directions; and threatened to publish her situation to the world if he
would not immediately take some method of providing for the important occasion,
which she expected in a few months. It was not long before I guessed the result
of his deliberation, by his addressing himself to me one day in this manner:
“I am surprised that a young fellow like you discovers no inclination to
push his fortune in the world. Before I was of your age I was broiling on the
coast of Guinea. D—e! what’s to hinder you from profiting by the
war which will certainly be declared in a short time against Spain? You may
easily get on board of a king’s ship in quality of surgeon’s mate,
where you will certainly see a great deal of practice, and stand a good chance
of getting prize-money.”

I laid hold of this declaration, which I had long wished for, and assured him I
would follow his advice with pleasure, if it were in my power; but that it was
impossible for me to embrace an opportunity of that kind, as I had no friend to
advance a little money to supply me with what necessaries I should want, and
defray the expenses of my journey to London. He told me that few necessaries
were required; and, as for the expense of my journey, he would lend me money,
sufficient not only for that purpose, but also to maintain me comfortably in
London until I should procure a warrant for my provision on board of some ship.

I gave him a thousand thanks for his obliging offer (although I was very well
apprised of his motive, which was no other than a design to lay the bastard to
my charge after my departure), and accordingly set out in a few weeks for
London; my whole fortune consisting of one suit of clothes, half a dozen
ruffled shirts, as many plain, two pair of worsted and a like number of
threaded stockings; a case of pocket instruments, a small edition of Horace,
Wiseman’s Surgery, and ten guineas in cash; for which Crab took my bond,
bearing five per cent interest; at the same time giving me a letter to a member
of parliament for our town, which he said would do my business effectually.

CHAPTER VIII

I arrive at Newcastle—meet with my old Schoolfellow Strap—we
determine to walk together to London—set out on our Journey—put up
at a solitary Alehouse—are disturbed by a strange Adventure in the Night

There is no such convenience as a waggon in this country, and my finances were
too weak to support the expense of hiring a horse: I determined therefore to
set out with the carriers, who transport goods from one place to another on
horseback; and this scheme I accordingly put in execution on the 1st day of
September, 1739, sitting upon a pack-saddle between two baskets, one of which
contained my goods in a knapsack. But by the time we arrived at
Newcastle-upon-Tyne I was so fatigued with the tediousness of the carriage, and
benumbed with the coldness of the weather, that I resolved to travel the rest
of my journey on foot, rather than proceed in such a disagreeable manner.

The ostler of the inn at which we put up, understanding I was bound for London,
advised me to take my passage in a collier which would be both cheap and
expeditious and withal much easier than to walk upwards of three hundred miles
through deep roads in the winter time, a journey which he believed I had not
strength enough to perform. I was almost persuaded to take his advice, when one
day, stepping into a barber’s shop to be shaved, the young man, while he
lathered my face, accosted me thus: “Sir, I presume you are a
Scotchman.” I answered in the affirmative. “Pray,” continued
he, “from what part of Scotland?” I no sooner told him, than he
discovered great emotion, and not confining his operation to my chin and upper
lip, besmeared my whole face with great agitation. I was so offended at this
profusion that starting up, I asked him what the d—l he meant by using me
so? He begged pardon, telling me his joy at meeting with a countryman had
occasioned some confusion in him, and craved my name. But, when I declared my
name was Random, he exclaimed in rapture, “How! Rory Random?”
“The same,” I replied, looking at him with astonishment.
“What!” cried he, “don’t you know your old
schoolfellow, Hugh Strap?”

At that instant recollecting his face, I flew into his arms, and in the
transport of my joy, gave him back one-half of the suds he had so lavishly
bestowed on my countenance; so that we made a very ludicrous appearance, and
furnished a great deal of mirth for his master and shopmates, who were
witnesses of this scene. When our mutual caresses were over I sat down again to
be shaved, but the poor fellow’s nerves were so discomposed by this
unexpected meeting that his hand could scarcely hold the razor, with which,
nevertheless, he found means to cut me in three places in as many strokes. His
master, perceiving his disorder, bade another supply his place, and after the
operation was performed, gave Strap leave to pass the rest of the day with me.

We retired immediately to my lodgings, where, calling for some beer, I desired
to be informed of his adventures, which contained nothing more than that his
master dying before his time was out, he had come to Newcastle about a year
ago, in expectation of journeywork, along with three young fellows of his
acquaintance who worked in the keels; that he had the good fortune of being
employed by a very civil master, with whom he intended to stay till the spring,
at which time he proposed to go to London, where he did not doubt of finding
encouragement. When I communicated to him my situation and design, he did not
approve of my taking a passage by sea, by reason of the danger of a winter
voyage, which is very hazardous along that coast, as well as the precariousness
of the wind, which might possibly detain me a great while, to the no small
detriment of my fortune; whereas, if I would venture by land, he would bear me
company, carry my baggage all the way, and if we should be fatigued before we
could perform the journey it would be no hard matter for us to find on the road
either return horses or waggons, of which we might take the advantage for a
very trifling expense.

I was so ravished at this proposal that I embraced him affectionately, and
assured him he might command my purse to the last farthing; but he gave me to
understand he had saved money sufficient to answer his own occasions; and that
he had a friend in London who would soon introduce him into business in that
capital, and possibly have it in his power to serve me also.

Having concerted the plan and settled our affairs that night, we departed next
morning by daybreak, armed with a good cudgel each (my companion being charged
with the furniture of us both crammed into one knapsack), and our money sewed
between the linings and waistbands of our breeches, except some loose silver
for our immediate expenses on the road, We travelled all day at a round pace,
but, being ignorant of the proper stages, were benighted at a good distance
from any inn, so that we were compelled to take up our lodging at a small hedge
alehouse, that stood on a byroad, about half-a-mile from the highway: there we
found a pedlar of our own country, in whose company we regaled ourselves with
bacon and eggs, and a glass of good ale, before a comfortable fire, conversing
all the while very sociably with the landlord and his daughter, a hale buxom
lass, who entertained us with great good humour, and in whose affection I was
vain enough to believe I had made some progress. About eight o’clock we
were all three, at our own desire, shown into an apartment furnished with two
beds, in one of which Strap and I betook ourselves to rest, and the pedlar
occupied the other, though not before he had prayed a considerable time
extempore, searched into every corner of the room, and fastened the door on the
inside with a strong iron screw, which he carried about with him for that use.

I slept very sound till midnight when I was disturbed by a violent motion of
the bed, which shook under me with a continual tremor. Alarmed at this
phenomenon, I jogged my companion, whom, to my no small amazement, I found
drenched in sweat, and quaking through every limb; he told me, with a low
faltering voice, that we were undone; for there was a bloody highwayman, loaded
with pistols, in the next room; then, bidding me make as little noise as
possible, he directed me to a small chink in the board partition through which
I could see a thick-set brawny fellow, with a fierce countenance, sitting at a
table with our young landlady, having a bottle of ale and a brace of pistols
before him.

I listened with great attention, and heard him say, in a terrible tone,
“D—n that son of a b—h, Smack the coachman; he has served me
a fine trick, indeed! but d—ion seize me, if I don’t make him
repent it! I’ll teach the scoundrel to give intelligence to others while
he is under articles with me.”

Our landlady endeavoured to appease this exasperated robber, by saying he might
be mistaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no correspondence with the other
gentleman that robbed his coach; and that, if an accident had disappointed him
to-day, he might soon find opportunities enough to atone for his lost trouble.
“I’ll tell thee what, my dear Bet,” replied he, “I
never had, nor ever shall, while my name is Rifle, have such a glorious booty
as I missed to-day. Z—s! there was £400 in cash to recruit men for the
king’s service, besides the jewels, watches, swords, and money belonging
to the passengers. Had it been my fortune to have got clear off with so much
treasure, I would have purchased a commission in the army, and made you an
officer’s lady, you jade, I would.” “Well, well,” cries
Betty, “we must trust to Providence for that. But did you find nothing
worth taking which escaped the other gentlemen of the road?” “Not
much, faith,” said the lover; “I gleaned a few things, such as a
pair of pops, silver mounted (here they are): I took them loaded from the
captain who had the charge of the money, together with a gold watch which he
had concealed in his breeches. I likewise found ten Portugal pieces in the
shoes of a quaker, whom the spirit moved to revile me with great bitterness and
devotion; but what I value myself mostly for is, this here purchase, a gold
snuffbox, my girl, with a picture on the inside of the lid; which I untied out
of the tail of a pretty lady’s smock.”

Here, as the devil would have it, the pedlar snored so loud, that the
highwayman, snatching his pistols, started up, crying, “Hell and d-n-n! I
am betrayed! Who’s that in the next room?” Mrs. Betty told him he
need not be uneasy: there were only three poor travellers, who, missing the
road, had taken up their lodgings in the house, and were asleep long ago.
“Travellers,” says he, “spies, you b—ch! But no matter;
I’ll send them all to hell in an instant!” He accordingly ran
towards our door; when his sweetheart interposing, assured him, there was only
a couple of poor young Scotchmen, who were too raw and ignorant to give him the
least cause of suspicion; and the third was a presbyterian pedlar of the same
nation, who had often lodged in the house before.

This declaration satisfied the thief, who swore he was glad there was a pedlar,
for he wanted some linen. Then, in a jovial manner, he put about the glass,
mingling his discourse to Betty with caresses and familiarities, that spoke him
very happy in his amours. During that part of the conversation which regarded
this, Strap had crept under the bed, where he lay in the agonies of fear; so
that it was with great difficulty I persuaded him our danger was over, and
prevailed on him to awake the pedlar, and inform him of what he had seen and
heard.

The itinerant merchant no sooner felt somebody shaking him by the shoulder,
than he started up, called, as loud as he could, “Thieves, thieves! Lord
have mercy upon us!” And Rifle, alarmed at this exclamation, jumped up,
cocked one of his pistols, and turned towards the door to kill the first man
that should enter; for he verily believed himself beset: when his Dulcinea,
after an immoderate fit of laughter, persuaded him that the poor pedlar,
dreaming of thieves, had only cried out in his sleep.

Meanwhile, my comrade had undeceived our fellow-lodger, and informed him of his
reason for disturbing him; upon which, getting up softly, he peeped through the
hole, and was so terrified with what he saw, that, falling down on his bare
knees, he put up a long petition to Heaven to deliver him from the hands of
that ruffian, and promised never to defraud a customer for the future of the
value of a pin’s point, provided he might be rescued from the present
danger. Whether or not his disburthening his conscience afforded him any ease I
knew not, but he slipped into bed again, and lay very quiet until the robber
and his mistress were asleep, and snored in concert; then, rising softly, he
untied a rope that was round his pack, which making fast to one end of it, he
opened the window with as little noise as possible, and lowered his goods into
the yard with great dexterity: then he moved gently to our bedside and bade us
farewell, telling us that, as we ran no risk we might take our rest with great
confidence, and in the morning assure the landlord that we knew nothing of his
escape, and, lastly, shaking us by the hands, and wishing us all manner of
success, he let himself drop from the window without any danger, for the ground
was not above a yard from his feet as he hung on the outside.

Although I did not think proper to accompany him in his flight, I was not at
all free from apprehension when I reflected on what might be the effect of the
highwayman’s disappointment; as he certainly intended to make free with
the pedlar’s ware. Neither was my companion at more ease in his mind, but
on the contrary, so possessed with the dreadful idea of Rifle, that he
solicited me strongly to follow our countryman’s example, and so elude
the fatal resentment of that terrible adventurer, who would certainly wreak his
vengeance on us as accomplices of the pedlar’s elopement. But I
represented to him the danger of giving Rifle cause to think we know his
profession, and suggested that, if ever he should meet us again on the road, he
would look upon us as dangerous acquaintance, and find it his interest to put
us out of the way. I told him, withal, my confidence in Betty’s good
nature, in which he acquiesced; and during the remaining part of the night we
concerted a proper method of behaviour, to render us unsuspected in the
morning.

It was no sooner day than Betty, entering our chamber, and perceiving our
window open, cried out, “Odds-bobs! sure you Scotchmen must have hot
constitutions to lie all night with the window open in such cold
weather.” I feigned to start out of sleep, and, withdrawing the curtain,
called, “What’s the matter?” When she showed me, I affected
surprise, and said, “Bless me! the window was shut when we went to
bed.” “I’ll be hanged,” said she, “if Sawney
Waddle, the pedlar, has not got up in a dream and done it, for I heard him very
obstropulous in his sleep.—Sure I put a chamberpot under his bed!”

With these words she advanced to the bed, in which he lay, and, finding the
sheets cold, exclaimed, “Good lackadaisy! The rogue is fled.”
“Fled,” cried I, with feigned amazement, “God forbid! Sure he
has not robbed us!” Then, springing up, I laid hold of my breeches, and
emptied all my loose money into my hand; which having reckoned, I said,
“Heaven be praised, our money is all safe! Strap, look to the
knapsack.” He did so, and found all was right. Upon which we asked, with
seeming concern, if he had stolen nothing belonging to the house. “No,
no,” replied she, “he has stole nothing but his reckoning;”
which, it seems, this pious pedlar had forgot to discharge in the midst of his
devotion.

Betty, after a moment’s pause withdrew, and immediately we could hear her
waken Rifle, who no sooner heard of Waddle’s flight than he jumped out of
bed and dressed, venting a thousand execrations, and vowing to murder the
pedlar if ever he should set eyes on him again: “For,” said he
“the scoundrel has by this time raised the hue and cry against me.”

Having dressed himself in a hurry, he mounted his horse, and for that time rid
us of his company and a thousand fears that were the consequence of it.

While we were at breakfast, Betty endeavoured, by all the cunning she was
mistress of, to learn whether or no we suspected our fellow-lodger, whom we saw
take horse; but, as we were on our guard, we answered her sly questions with a
simplicity she could not distrust; when, all of a sudden, we heard the
trampling of a horse’s feet at the door. This noise alarmed Strap so
much, whose imagination was wholly engrossed by the image of Rifle, that, with
a countenance as pale as milk, he cried, “O Lord! there is the highwayman
returned!”

Our landlady, staring at these words, said, “What highwayman, young man?
Do you think any highwaymen harbour here?”

Though I was very much disconcerted at this piece of indiscretion in Strap, I
had presence of mind enough to tell her we had met a horseman the day before,
whom Strap had foolishly supposed to be a highwayman, because he rode with
pistols; and that he had been terrified at the sound of a horse’s feet
ever since.

She forced a smile at the ignorance and timidity of my comrade; but I could
perceive, not without great concern, that this account was not at all
satisfactory to her.

CHAPTER IX

We proceed on our Journey—are overtaken by a Highwayman who fires at
Strap—is prevented from shooting me by a Company of Horsemen, who ride in
pursuit of him—Strap is put to Bed at an Inn—Adventures at that Inn

After having paid our score and taken leave of our hostess, who embraced me
tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our journey, blessing ourselves that we
had come off so well. We had not walked above five miles, when we observed a
man on horseback galloping after us, whom we in a short time recognised to be
no other than this formidable hero who had already given us so much vexation.
He stopped hard by me, and asked if I knew who he was? My astonishment had
disconcerted me so much that I did not hear his question, which he repeated
with a volley of oaths and threats; but I remained as mute as before.

Strap, seeing my discomposure, fell upon his knees in the mud, uttering, with a
lamentable voice, these words: “For Christ’s sake, have mercy upon
us, Mr. Rifle! we know you very well.” “Oho!” cried the
thief, “you do! But you never shall be evidence against me in this world,
you dog!” So saying, he drew a pistol, and fired it at the unfortunate
shaver, who fell flat upon the ground without speaking one word.

My comrade’s fate and my own situation riveted me to the place where I
stood, deprived of all sense and reflection; so that I did not make the least
attempt either to run away or deprecate the wrath of this barbarian, who
snapped a second pistol at me; but, before he had time to prime again,
perceiving a company of horsemen coming up, he rode off, and left me standing
motionless as a statue, in which posture I was found by those whose appearance
had saved my life. This company consisted of three men in livery, well armed,
with an officer, who (as I afterwards learned,) was the person from whom Rifle
had taken the pocket pistols the day before; and who, making known his
misfortune to a nobleman he met on the road, and assuring him his
non-resistance was altogether owing to his consideration for the ladies in the
coach, procured the assistance of his lordship’s servants to go in quest
of the plunderer. This holiday captain scampered up to me with great address,
and asked who fired the pistol which he had heard.

As I had not yet recovered my reason, he, before I could answer, observed a
body lying on the ground, at which sight his colour changed, and he pronounced,
with a faltering tongue, “Gentlemen, here’s murder committed! Let
us alight.” “No, no,” said one of his followers, “let
us rather pursue the murderer. Which way went he, young man?”

By this time I had recollected myself so far as to tell them that he could not
be a quarter of a mile before; and to beg one of them to assist me in conveying
the corpse of my friend to the next house, in order to it being interred. The
captain, foreseeing that, in case he should pursue, he must soon come to
action, began to curb his horse, and gave him the spur at the same time, which
treatment making the creature rear up and snort, he called out, his horse was
frightened, and would not proceed; at the same time wheeling him round and
round, stroking his neck, whistling and wheedling him with “Sirrah,
sirrah—gently, gently.” etc. “Z—ds!”, cried one
of the servants, “sure my lord’s Sorrel is not resty!”

With these words he bestowed a lash on his buttocks, and Sorrel, disdaining the
rein sprang forward with the captain at a pace that would have soon brought him
up with the robber, had not the girth (happily for him) given way, by which
means he landed in the dirt; and two of his attendants continued their pursuit,
without minding his situation. Meanwhile one of the three who remained at my
desire, turning the body of Strap, in order to see the wound which had killed
him, found him still warm and breathing: upon which, I immediately let him
blood, and saw him, with inexpressible joy, recover; he having received no
other wound than what his fear had inflicted. Having raised him upon his legs,
we walked together to an inn, about half a mile from the place, where Strap,
who was not quite recovered, went to bed; and in a little time the third
servant returned with the captain’s horse and furniture, leaving him to
crawl after as well as he could.

This gentleman of the sword, upon his arrival, complained grievously of the
bruise occasioned by his fall; and, on the recommendation of the servant, who
warranted my ability, I was employed to bleed him, for which service he
rewarded me with half-a-crown.

The time between this event and dinner I passed in observing a game at cards
between two farmers, an exciseman, and a young fellow in a rusty gown and
cassock, who, as I afterwards understood, was curate of a neighbouring parish.
It was easy to perceive that the match was not equal; and that the two farmers,
who were partners, had to do with a couple of sharpers, who stripped them of
all their cash in a very short time. But what surprised me very much, was to
hear this clergyman reply to one of the countrymen, who seemed to suspect foul
play, in these words: “D—n me, friend, d’ye question my
honour?”

I did not at all wonder to find a cheat in canonicals, this being a character
frequent in my own country; but I was scandalised at the indecency of his
behaviour, which appeared in the oaths he swore, and the bawdy songs which he
sung. At last, to make amends in some sort, for the damage he had done to the
unwary boors, he pulled out a fiddle from the lining of his gown, and,
promising to treat them at dinner, began to play most melodiously, singing in
concert all the while. This good humour of this parson inspired the company
with so much glee that the farmers soon forgot their losses, and all present
went to dancing in the yard.

While we were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician, spying a horseman
a riding towards the inn, stopped all of a sudden, crying out, “Gad so!
gentlemen, I beg your pardon, there’s our dog of a doctor coming into the
inn.” He immediately commended his instrument, and ran towards the gate,
where he took hold of the vicar’s bridle, and helped him off, inquiring
very cordially into the state of his health.

This rosy son of the church, who might be about the age of fifty, having
alighted and entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked with great solemnity,
into the kitchen, where sitting down by the fire, he called for a bottle of ale
and a pipe; scarce deigning an answer to the submissive questions of those who
inquired about the welfare of his family. While he indulged himself in this
state, amidst a profound silence, the curate, approaching him with great
reverence, asked him if he would not be pleased to honour him with his company
at dinner? To which interrogation he answered in the negative, saying, he had
been to visit Squire Bumpkin, who had drank himself into a high fever at the
last assizes; and that he had, on leaving his own house, told Betty he should
dine at home. Accordingly when he had made an end of his bottle and pipe, he
rose, and moved with prelatical dignity to the door, where his journeyman stood
ready with his nag. He had no sooner mounted than the facetious curate, coming
into the kitchen, held forth in this manner: “There the old rascal goes,
and the d—l go with him. You see how the world wags, gentlemen. By gad,
this rogue of a vicar does not deserve to live; and yet he has two livings
worth four hundred pounds per annum, while poor I am fain to do all his
drudgery, and ride twenty miles every Sunday to preach—for what? why,
truly, for twenty pounds a year. I scorn to boast of my own qualifications
but—comparisons are odious. I should be glad to know how this wag-bellied
doctor deserves to be more at ease than me. He can loll in his elbow chair at
home, indulge himself in the best of victuals and wine and enjoy the
conversation of Betty, his housekeeper. You understand me, gentlemen. Betty is
the doctor’s poor kinswoman, and a pretty girl she is; but no matter for
that; ay, and dutiful girl to her parents, whom she visits regularly every
year, though I must own I could never learn in what county they live, My
service t’ye, gentlemen.”

By this time dinner being ready, I waked my companion, and we ate altogether
with great cheerfulness. When our meal was ended, and every man’s share
of the reckoning adjusted, the curate went out on pretence of some necessary
occasion, and, mounting his house, left the two farmers to satisfy the host in
the best manner they could. We were no sooner informed of this piece of
finesse, than the exciseman, who had been silent hitherto, began to open with a
malicious grin: “Ay, ay this is an old trick of Shuffle; I could not help
smiling when he talked of treating. You must know this is a very curious
fellow. He picked up some scraps of learning while he served young Lord Trifte
at the university. But what he most excels in is pimping. No one knows his
talents better than I, for I was valet-de-chambre to Squire Tattle an intimate
companion of Shuffle’s lord. He got him self into a scrape by pawning
some of his lordship’s clothes on which account he was turned away; but,
as he was acquainted with some particular circumstances of my lord’s
conduct, he did not care to exasperate him too much, and so made interest for
his receiving orders, and afterwards recommended him to the curacy which he now
enjoys. However, the fellow cannot be too much admired for his dexterity in
making a comfortable livelihood, in spite of such a small allowance. You hear
he plays a good stick, and is really diverting company; these qualifications
make him agreeable wherever he goes; and, as for playing at cards there is not
a man within three counties for him. The truth is, he is a d—able cheat,
and can shift a card with such address that it is impossible to discover
him.”

Here he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked, why he had not
justice enough to acquaint them with these particulars before they engaged in
play. The exciseman replied, without any hesitation, that it was none of his
business to intermeddle between man and man; besides, he did not know they were
ignorant of Shuffle’s character, which was notorious to the whole
country. This did not satisfy the other, who taxed him with abetting and
assisting the curate’s knavery, and insisted on having his share of the
winnings returned; this demand the exciseman as positively refused affirming
that, whatever sleights Shuffle might practise on other occasions, he was very
certain that he had played on the square with them, and would answer it before
any bench in Christendom; so saying, he got up and, having paid his reckoning,
sneaked off.

The Landlord, thrusting his neck into the passage to see if he was gone, shook
his head, saying, “Ah! Lord help us! if every sinner was to have his
deserts. Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the excisemen. But I know
what; if parson Shuffle and he were weighed together, a straw thrown into
either scale would make the balance kick the beam. But, masters, this is under
the rose,” continued Boniface with a whisper.

CHAPTER X

The Highwayman is taken—we are detained as Evidence against
him—proceed to the next village—he escapes—we arrive at
another inn, where we go to Bed—in the Night we are awaked by a dreadful
Adventure—next night we lodge at the house of a Schoolmaster—our
Treatment there

Strap and I were about to depart on our journey, when we perceived a crowd on
the road coming towards us, shouting and hallooing all the way. As it
approached, we could discern a man on horseback in the middle, with his hands
tied behind him, whom we soon knew to be Rifle. The highwayman, not being so
well mounted as the two servants who went in pursuit of him, was soon
overtaken, and, after having discharged his pistols, made prisoner without any
further opposition. They were carrying him in triumph, amidst the acclamations
of the country people, to a justice of peace in a neighbouring village, but
stopped at our inn to join their companions and take refreshment.

When Rifle was dismounted and placed in the yard, within a circle of peasants,
armed with pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a pitiful dejected fellow he
now appeared, who had but a few hours before filled me with such terror and
confusion. My companion was so much encouraged by this alteration in his
appearance that, going up to the thief, he presented his clenched fists to his
nose, and declared he would either cudgel or box with the prisoner for a
guinea, which he immediately produced, and began to strip, but was dissuaded
from this adventure by me, who represented to him the folly of the undertaking,
as Rifle was now in the hands of justice, which would, no doubt, give us all
satisfaction enough.

But what made me repent of our impertinent curiosity was our being detained by
the captors, as evidence against him, when we were just going to set forward.
However, there was no remedy; we were obliged to comply, and accordingly joined
in the cavalcade, which luckily took the same road that we had proposed to
follow. About the twilight we arrived at the place of our destination, but as
the justice was gone to visit a gentleman in the country, with whom (we
understood) he would probably stay all night, the robber was confined in an
empty garret, three stories high, from which it seemed impossible for him to
escape; this, nevertheless, was the case; for next morning when they went up
stairs to bring him before the justice, the bird was flown, having got out at
the window upon the roof from whence he continued his route along the tops of
the adjoining houses, and entered another garret where he skulked until the
family were asleep; at which time he ventured down stairs, and let himself out
by the street-door, which was open.

This event was a great disappointment to those that apprehended him, who were
flushed with the hopes of the reward; but gave me great joy, as I was permitted
now to continue my journey, without any further molestation. Resolving to make
up for the small progress we had hitherto made, we this day travelled with
great vigour and before night reached a market town twenty miles from the place
from whence we set out in the morning, without meeting any adventure worth
notice. Here having taken up our lodging at an an inn, I found myself so
fatigued that I began to despair of performing our journey on foot, and desired
Strap to inquire if there were any waggon, return horses, or any cheap carriage
in this place, to depart for London next day. He was informed that the waggon
from Newcastle to London had halted there two nights ago, and that it would be
an easy matter to overtake it, if not the next day, at farthest, the day after
the next. This piece of news gave us some satisfaction; and, after having made
a hearty supper on hashed mutton, we were shown to our room, which contained
two beds, the one allotted for us, and the other for a very honest gentleman,
who, we were told, was then drinking below. Though we could have very well
dispensed with his company, we were glad to submit to this disposition, as
there was not another bed empty in the house; and accordingly went to rest,
after having secured our baggage under the bolster. About two or three
o’clock in the morning I was awaked out of a very profound sleep by a
dreadful noise in the chamber, which did not fail to throw me into an agony of
consternation, when I heard these words pronounced with a terrible voice:
“Blood and wounds! run the halbert into the guts of him that’s next
you, and I’ll blow the other’s brains out presently.”

This dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the ears of Strap than, starting
out of bed, he ran against somebody in the dark, and overturned him in an
instant; at the same time bawling out, “Fire! murder! fire!” a cry
which in a moment alarmed the whole house, and filled our chamber with a crowd
of naked people. When lights were brought, the occasion of all this disturbance
soon appeared; which was no other than a fellow lodger, whom we found lying on
the floor, scratching his head, with a look testifying the utmost astonishment
at the concourse of apparitions that surrounded him.

This honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting sergeant, who, having listed
two country fellows over night, dreaded they had mutinied, and threatened to
murder him and the drummer who was along with him. This made such an impression
on his imagination, that he got up in his sleep and expressed himself as above.
When our apprehension of danger vanished, the company beheld one another with
great surprise and mirth; but what attracted the notice of everyone was our
landlady, with nothing on her but her shift and a large pair of buckskin
breeches, with the backside before, which she had slipped on in the hurry, and
her husband with her petticoat about his shoulders; one had wrapped himself in
a blanket, another was covered with a sheet, and the drummer, who had given his
only shirt to be washed, appeared in cuerpo with a bolster rolled about his
middle.

When this affair was discussed, everybody retired to his own apartment, the
sergeant slipped into bed, and my companion and I slept without any further
disturbance till morning, when we got up, went to breakfast, paid our
reckoning, and set forward in expectation of overtaking the waggon; in which
hope, however, we were disappointed for that day. As we exerted ourselves more
than usual, I found myself quite spent with fatigue, when we entered a small
village in the twilight. We inquired for a public-house, and were directed to
one of a very sorry appearance. At our entrance the landlord, who seemed to be
a venerable old man, with long gray hair, rose from a table placed by a large
fire in a very neat paved kitchen, and with a cheerful countenance accosted us
in these words: “Salvete, pueri. Ingredimini.” I was not a little
pleased to hear our host speak Latin, because I was in hope of recommending
myself to him by my knowledge in that language; I therefore answered, without
hesitation, “Dissolve frigus, ligna super foco—large
reponens.” I had no sooner pronounced these words, than the old
gentleman, running towards me, shook me by the hand, crying, “Fili mi
dilectissime! unde venis?—a superis, ni fallor?” In short, finding
we were both read in the classics, he did not know how to testify his regard
enough; but ordered his daughter, a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel who was his sole
domestic, to bring us a bottle of his quadrimum, repeating from Horace at the
same time, “Deprome quadrimum sabina, O Tholiarche, merum diota.”
This was excellent ale of his own brewing, of which he told us he had always an
amphora four years old, for the use of himself and friends.

In the course of our conversation, which was interlarded with scraps of Latin,
we understood that this facetious person was a schoolmaster, whose income being
small, he was fain to keep a glass of good liquor for the entertainment of
passengers by which he made shift to make the two ends of the year meet.
“I am this day,” said he, “the happiest old fellow in his
majesty’s dominions. My wife, rest her soul, is in heaven. My daughter is
to be married next week; but the two chief pleasures of my life are these
(pointing to the bottle and a large edition of Horace that lay on the table). I
am old, ’tis true—what then? the more reason I should enjoy the
small share of life that remains, as my friend Flaccus advises: ‘Tu ne
quaesieris (scire nefas) quem mihi, quem tibi finem dii dederint. Carpe diem,
quam minimum credula postero.’”

As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we made no scruple of acquainting
him with our situation, which when he had learned, he enriched us with advices
how to behave in the world, telling us that he was no stranger to the deceits
of mankind. In the meantime he ordered his daughter to lay a fowl to the fire
for supper, for he was resolved this night to regale his
friends—permittens divis caetera. While our entertainment was preparing,
our host recounted the adventures of his own life, which, as they contained
nothing remarkable, I forbear to rehearse. When we had fared sumptuously, and
drunk several bottles of his I expressed a desire of going to rest, which was
with some difficulty complied with, after he had informed us that we should
overtake the waggon by noon next day; and that there was room enough in it for
half-a-dozen, for there were only four passengers as yet in that convenience.

Before my comrade and I fell asleep, we had some conversation about the good
humour of our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea of his benevolence, that
he positively believed we should pay nothing for our lodging and entertainment.
“Don’t you observe,” said he, “that he has conceived a
particular affection for us—nay, even treated us at supper with
extraordinary fare, which, to be sure, we should not of ourselves have called
for?”

I was partly of Strap’s opinion; but the experience I had of the world
made me suspend my belief till the morning, when, getting up betimes, we
breakfasted with our host and his daughter on hasty-pudding and ale, and
desired to know what we had to pay. “Biddy will let you know,
gentlemen,” said he; “for I never mind these matters. Money matters
are beneath the concern of one who lives upon the Horatian
plan—Crescentum sequitur cura pecuniam.” Meanwhile, Biddy, having
consulted a slate that hung in the corner, told us our reckoning came to 8s.
7d. “Eight shillings and seven pence!” cried Strap,
“’tis impossible! you must be mistaken, young woman.”
“Reckon again, child,” says her father, very deliberately;
“perhaps you have miscounted.” “No, indeed,” replied
she, “I know my business better.” I could contain my indignation no
longer, but said it was an unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the
particulars; upon which the old man got up, muttering, “Ay, ay, let us
see the particulars—that’s but reasonable.” And, taking pen,
ink, and paper, wrote the following items:

As he had not the appearance of a common publican, and had raised a sort of
veneration in me by his demeanour the preceding night, it was not in my power
to upbraid him as he deserved; therefore, I contented myself with saying I was
sure he did not learn to be an extortioner from Horace. He answered, I was but
a young man and did not know the world, or I would not tax him with extortion,
whose only aim was to live contentus parvo, and keep off importuna pauperies.
My fellow traveller could not so easily put up with this imposition; but swore
he should either take one-third of the money or go without. While we were
engaged in this dispute, I perceived the daughter go out, and, conjecturing the
occasion, immediately paid the exorbitant demand, which was no sooner done than
Biddy returned with two stout fellows, who came in on pretence of taking their
morning draught, but in reality to frighten us into compliance. Just as we
departed, Strap, who was half-distracted on account of this piece of expense,
went up to the schoolmaster, and, grinning in his face, pronounced with great
emphasis—“Semper avarus eget.” To which the pedant replied,
with a malicious smile—“Animum rege, qui, nisi paret,
imperat.”

CHAPTER XI

We descry the Waggon—get into it—arrive at an inn—our Fellow
Travellers described—a Mistake is committed by Strap, which produces
strange things

We travelled half-a-mile without exchanging one word; my thoughts being
engrossed by the knavery of the world, to which I must be daily exposed, and
the contemplation of my finances, which began sensibly to diminish. At length,
Strap, who could hold no longer, addressed me thus: “Well, fools and
their money are soon parted. If my advice had been taken, that old skin-flint
should have been d—n’d before he had got more than the third of his
demand. ’Tis a sure sign you came easily by your money, when you squander
it away in this manner. Ah! God help you, how many bristly beards must I have
mowed before I earned four shillings and threepence-halfpenny, which is all
thrown to the dogs! How many days have I sat weaving hair till my toes were
numbed by the cold, my fingers cramped, and my nose as blue as the sign of the
periwig that hung over the door! What the devil was you afraid of? I would have
engaged to box with any one of those fellows who came in for a
guinea—I’m sure—I have beat stouter men than either of
them.” And, indeed, my companion would have fought anybody when his life
was in no danger; but he had a mortal aversion to fire-arms and all instruments
of death. In order to appease him, I assured him no part of this extraordinary
expense should fall upon his shoulders; at which declaration he was affronted,
and told me he would have me to know that, although he was a poor
barber’s boy, yet he had a soul to spend big money with the best squire
of the land.

Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a refreshment, we
descried, toward the evening, to our inexpressible joy, the waggon about a
quarter of a mile before us; and, by that time we reached it, were both of us
so weary that I verily believe it would have been impracticable for us to have
walked one mile farther. We, therefore, bargained with the driver, whose name
was Joey, to give us a cast to the next stage for a shilling; at which place we
should meet the master of the waggon, with whom we might agree for the rest of
the journey.

Accordingly the convenience stopped, and Joey having placed the ladder, Strap
(being loaded with our baggage) mounted first; but, just as he was getting in,
a tremendous voice assailed his ears in these words: “God’s fury!
there shall no passengers come here.” The poor shaver was so disconcerted
at this exclamation, which both he and I imagined proceeded from the mouth of a
giant, that he descended with great velocity and a countenance as white as
paper. Joey, perceiving our astonishment, called, with an arch sneer,
“Waunds, coptain, whay woant yau sooffer the poor waggoneer to meake a
penny? Coom, coom, young man, get oop, get oop, never moind the coptain;
I’se not afeard of the coptain.”

This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who could not be prevailed upon
to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though not without a quaking
heart, when I heard the same voice muttering, like distant
thunder—“Hell and the devil confound me, if I don’t make you
smart for this!” However, I crept in, and by accident got an empty place
in the straw, which I immediately took possession of, without being able to
discern the faces of my fellow-travellers in the dark. Strap following, with
the knapsack on his back, chanced to take the other side, and, by a jolt of the
carriage, pitched directly upon the stomach of the captain, who bellowed out,
in a most dreadful manner, “Blood and thunder! where’s my
sword?” At these words my frighted comrade started up, and, at one
spring, bounced against me with such force that I thought he was the supposed
son of Anak, who intended to press me to death. In the meantime a female voice
cried, “Bless me! what is the matter, my dear?” “The
matter,” replied the captain, “d—n my blood! my guts are
squeezed into a pancake by that Scotchman’s hump.” Strap, trembling
all the while at my back, asked him pardon, and laid the blame of what had
happened upon the jolting of the waggon; and the woman who spoke before went
on: “Ay, ay, my dear, it is our own fault; we may thank ourselves for all
the inconveniences we meet with. I thank God I never travelled so before. I am
sure if my lady or Sir John were to know where we are they would not sleep this
night for vexation. I wish to God we had writ for the chariot; I know we shall
never be forgiven.” “Come, come, my dear,” replied the
captain, “it don’t signify fretting now; we shall laugh it over as
a frolic; I hope you will not suffer in your health. I shall make my lord very
merry with our adventures in this diligence.”

The discourse gave me such a high notion of the captain and his lady that I
durst not venture to join in the conversation; but immediately after another
female voice began: “Some people give themselves a great many needless
airs; better folks than any here have travelled in waggons before now. Some of
us have rode in coaches and chariots, with three footmen behind them, without
making so much fuss about it. What then? We are now all upon a footing;
therefore let us be sociable and merry. What do you say, Isaac? Is not this a
good motion, you doting rogue? Speak, you old cent per cent fornicator? What
desperate debt are you thinking of? What mortgage are you planning? Well,
Isaac, positively you shall never gain my favour till you turn over a new leaf,
grow honest, and live like a gentleman. In the meantime give me a kiss, you old
fumbler.” These words, accompanied with a hearty smack, enlivened the
person to whom they were addressed to such a degree that he cried, in
transport, though with a faltering voice, “Ah! you wanton
baggage—upon my credit, you are a waggish girl—he, he, he!”
This laugh introduced a fit of coughing, which almost suffocated the poor
usurer (such we afterwards found was the profession of this our
fellow-traveller).

About this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap till such time as
we arrived at the inn where we put up. Here, having alighted from the waggon, I
had an opportunity of viewing the passengers in order as they entered. The
first who appeared was a brisk, airy girl, about twenty years old, with a
silver-laced hat on her head instead of a cap, a blue stuff riding-suit,
trimmed with silver very much tarnished, and a whip in her hand. After her
came, limping, an old man, with a worsted nightcap buttoned under his chin, and
a broad-brimmed hat slouched over it, an old rusty blue cloak tied about his
neck, under which appeared a brown surtout, that covered a threadbare coat and
waistcoat, and, as he afterwards discerned, a dirty flannel jacket. His eyes
were hollow, bleared, and gummy; his face was shrivelled into a thousand
wrinkles, his gums were destitute of teeth, his nose sharp and drooping, his
chin peaked and prominent, so that, when he mumped or spoke, they approached
one another like a pair of nutcrackers: he supported himself on an ivory-headed
cane and his whole figure was a just emblem of winter, famine, and avarice. But
how was I surprised, when I beheld the formidable captain in the shape of a
little thin creature, about the age of forty, with a long withered visage, very
much resembling that of a baboon, through the upper part of which two little
gray eyes peeped: he wore his own hair in a queue that reached to his rump,
which immoderate length, I suppose, was the occasion of a baldness that
appeared on the crown of his head when he deigned to take off his hat, which
was very much of the size and cock of Pistol’s.

Having laid aside his great-coat, I could not help admiring the extraordinary
make of this man of war: he was about five feet and three inches high, sixteen
inches of which went to his face and long scraggy neck: his thighs were about
six inches in length, his legs resembling spindles or drumsticks, five feet and
a half, and his body, which put me in mind of extension without substance,
engrossed the remainder: so that on the whole, he appeared like a spider or
grasshopper erect, and was almost a vox et praeterea nihil. His dress consisted
of a frock of what is called bearskin, the skirts of which were about half a
foot long, an hussar waistcoat, scarlet breeches reaching half way down his
thighs, worsted stockings rolled up almost to his groin, and shoes with wooden
heels at least two inches high; he carried a sword very near as long as himself
in one hand, and with the other conducted his lady, who seemed to be a woman of
his own age, and still retained some remains of an agreeable person, but so
ridiculously affected, that, had I not been a novice in the world, I might have
easily perceived in her the deplorable vanity and second-hand airs of a
lady’s woman.

We were all assembled in the kitchen, when Captain Weazel (for that was his
name) desired a room with a fire for himself and spouse, and told the landlord
they would up by themselves. The innkeeper replied that he could not afford
them a room by themselves; and as for supping, he had prepared victuals for the
passengers in the waggon, without respect of persons, but if he could prevail
on the rest to let him have his choice in a separate manner, he should be very
well pleased. This was no sooner said than all of us declared against the
proposal, and Miss Jenny (our other female passenger), observed that, if
Captain Weazel and his lady had a mind to sup by themselves, they might wait
until we should have done. At this hint the captain put on a martial frown, and
looked very big, without speaking; while his yokefellow, with a disdainful toss
of her nose, muttered something about “Creature!” which Miss Jenny
overhearing, stepped up to her, saying, “None of your names, good Mrs.
Abigail. Creature, quotha—I’ll assure you no such creature as you
neither—no ten-pound sneaker—no quality-coupler.” Here the
captain interposed, with a “D—e, madam, what do you mean by
that?” “D—n you sir, who are you?” replied Miss Jenny,
“who made you a captain, you pitiful, trencher-scraping, pimping curler?
’Sdeath! the army is come to a fine pass, when such fellows as you get
commissions. What, I suppose you think I don’t know you? Egad, you and
your helpmate are well met—a cast-off mistress and a bald
valet-de-chambre are well yoked together.” “Blood and
wounds!” cried Weazel, “d’ye question the honour of my wife,
madam? Hell and d-ion! No man in England durst say so much—I would flay
him, carbonado him! Fury and destruction! I would have his liver for my
supper.” So saying, he drew his sword and flourished with it, to the
great terror of Strap; while Miss Jenny, snapping her fingers, told him she did
not value his resentment a louse.

In the midst of this quarrel the master of the waggon alighted, who,
understanding the cause of the disturbance, and fearing the captain and his
lady would take umbrage and leave his carriage, was at great pains to have
everything made up, which he at last accomplished, and we sat down to supper
altogether. At bedtime we were shown to our apartments; the old usurer, Strap,
and I, to one room; the captain, his wife, and Miss Jenny, to another. About
midnight, my companion’s bowels being disordered, he got up, in order to
go backward, but in his return, mistaking one door for another, entered
Weazel’s chamber, and without any hesitation went to bed to his wife, who
was fast asleep, the captain being at another end of the room groping for some
empty vessel, in lieu of his own chamberpot, which was leaky: as he did not
perceive Strap coming in, he went towards his own bed, after having found a
convenience; but no sooner did he feel a rough head, covered with a cotton
nightcap, than it came into his mind that he had mistaken Miss Jenny’s
bed instead of his own, and that the head he felt was that of some gallant,
with whom she had made an assignation. Full of his conjecture, and scandalised
at the prostitution of his apartment, he snatched up the vessel he had just
before filled, and emptied it at once on the astonished barber and his own
wife, who waking at that instant, broke forth into lamentable cries, which not
only alarmed the husband beyond measure, but frighted poor Strap almost out of
his senses; for he verily believed himself bewitched, especially when the
incensed captain seized him by the throat, with a volley of oaths, asking him
how he durst have the presumption to attempt the chastity of his wife. Poor
Strap was so amazed and confounded, that he could say nothing
but—“I take God to witness she’s a virgin for me.”

Mrs. Weazel, enraged to find herself in such a pickle through the precipitation
of her husband, arose in her shift, and with the heel of her shoe which she
found by the bedside, belaboured the captain’s bald pate till he roared
“Murder.” “I’ll teach you to empty your stinkpots on
me,” cried she, “you pitiful hop-o’-my-thumb coxcomb. What, I
warrant you’re jealous, you man of lath. Was it for this I condescended
to take you to my bed, you poor, withered, sapless twig?”

The noise occasioned by this adventure had brought the master of the waggon and
me to the door, where we overheard all that passed with great satisfaction. In
the meantime we were alarmed with the cry of “Rape! Murder! Rape!”
which Jenny pronounced with great vociferation. “Oh! You vile abominable
old villain,” said she, “would you rob me of my virtue? But
I’ll be revenged of you, you old goat! I will! Help! for heaven’s
sake! help! I shall be ravished! ruined! help!” Some servants of the inn,
hearing this cry, came running upstairs with lights, and such weapons as chance
afforded; when we beheld a very diverting scene. In one corner stood the poor
captain shivering in his shirt, which was all torn to rags: with a woeful
visage, scratched all over by his wife, who had by this time wrapped the
counterpane about her, and sat sobbing on the side of her bed. At the other end
lay the old usurer, sprawling on Miss Jenny’s bed, with his flannel
jacket over his shirt, and his tawny meagre limbs exposed to the air; while she
held him fast by the two ears, and loaded him with execrations. When he asked
what was the matter, she affected to weep, told us she was afraid that wicked
rogue had ruined her in her sleep, and bade us take notice of what we saw, for
she intended to make use of our evidence against him. The poor wretch looked
like one more dead than alive, and begged to be released; a favour which he had
no sooner obtained than he protested she was no woman, but a devil
incarnate—that she had first seduced his flesh to rebel, and then
betrayed him. “Yes, cockatrice,” continued he, “you know you
laid this snare for me—but you shan’t succeed—for I will hang
myself before you shall get a farthing of me.” So saying, he crawled to
his own bed, groaning all the way. We then advanced to the Captain, who told
us, “Gentlemen, here has been a d—d mistake; but I’ll be
revenged on him who was the cause of it. That Scotchman who carries the
knapsack shall not breathe this vital air another day, if my name be Weazel. My
dear, I ask you ten thousand pardons; you are sensible, I could mean no harm to
you.” “I know not what you meant,” replied she, sighing,
“but I know I have got enough to send me to my grave.” At length
they were reconciled. The wife was complimented with a share of Miss
Jenny’s bed (her own being overflowed), and the master of the waggon
invited Weazel to sleep the remaining part of the night with him. I retired to
mine, where I found Strap mortally afraid, he having stolen away in the dark
while the captain and his lady were at loggerheads.

CHAPTER XII

Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the Combat—an Affair
between the Captain and me—the Usurer is fain to give Miss Jenny five
Guineas for a Release—we are in Danger of losing a Meal—the
Behaviour of Weazel, Jenny, and Joey, on that Occasion—an Account of
Captain Weazel and his Lady—the Captain’s Courage
tried—Isaac’s mirth at the Captain’s Expense

Next morning I agreed to give the master of the waggon ten shillings for my
passage to London, provided Strap should be allowed to take my place when I
should be disposed to walk. At the same time I desired him to appease the
incensed captain, who had entered the kitchen with a drawn sword in his hand,
and threatened with many oaths to sacrifice the villain who attempted to
violate his bed; but it was to no purpose for the master to explain the
mistake, and assure him of the poor lad’s innocence, who stood trembling
behind me all the while: the more submission that appeared in Strap, the more
implacable seemed the resentment of Weazel, who swore he must either fight him
or he would instantly put him to death. I was extremely provoked at this
insolence, and told him, it could not be supposed that a poor barber lad would
engage a man of the sword at his own weapon; but I was persuaded he would
wrestle or box with him. To which proposal Strap immediately gave assent, by
saying, “he would box with him for a guinea.” Weazel replied with a
look of disdain, that it was beneath any gentleman of his character to fight
like a porter, or even to put himself on a footing, in any respect, with such a
fellow as Strap. “Odds bodikins!” cries Joey, “sure, coptain,
yaw would not commit moorder! Here’s a poor lad that is willing to make
atonement for his offence; and an that woan’t satisfie yaw, offers to
fight yaw fairly. And yaw woan’t box, I dare say, he will coodgel with
yaw. Woan’t yaw, my lad?” Strap, after some hesitation, answered,
“Yes, yes, I’ll cudgel with him.” But this expedient being
also rejected by the captain, I began to smell his character, and, tipping
Strap the wink, told the captain that I had always heard it said, the person
who receives a challenge should have the choice of the weapons; this therefore
being the rule in point of honour, I would venture to promise on the head of my
companion, that he would even fight Captain Weazel at sharps; but it should be
with such sharps as Strap was best acquainted with, namely, razors. At my
mentioning razors: I could perceive the captain’s colour change while
Strap, pulling me by the sleeve, whispered with great eagerness: “No, no,
no; for the love of God, don’t make any such bargain.” At length,
Weazel, recovering himself, turned towards me, and with a ferocious countenance
asked, “Who the devil are you? Will you fight me?” With these
words, putting himself in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at seeing the
point of a sword within half a foot of my breast; and, springing to one side,
snatched up a spit that stood in the chimney-corner, with which I kept my
formidable adversary at bay, who made a great many half-longes, skipping
backward at every push, till at last I pinned him up in a corner, to the no
small diversion of the company. While he was in this situation his wife
entered, and, seeing her husband in these dangerous circumstances, uttered a
dreadful scream: in this emergency, Weazel demanded a cessation, which was
immediately granted; and at last was contented with the submission of Strap,
who, falling on his knees before him, protested the innocence of his intention,
and asked pardon for the mistake he had committed. This affair being ended
without bloodshed, we went to breakfast, but missed two of our company, namely,
Miss Jenny and the usurer. As for the first, Mrs. Weazel informed us, that she
had kept her awake all night with her groans; and that when she rose in the
morning, Miss Jenny was so much indisposed that she could not proceed on her
journey. At that instant, a message came from her to the master of the waggon,
who immediately went into her chamber, followed by us all. She told him in a
lamentable tone, that she was afraid of a miscarriage, owing to the fright she
received last night from the brutality of Isaac; and, as the event was
uncertain, desired the usurer might be detained to answer for the consequence.
Accordingly, this ancient Tarquin was found in the waggon, whither he had
retired to avoid the shame of last night’s disgrace, and brought by force
into her presence. He no sooner appeared than she began to weep and sigh most
piteously, and told us, if she died, she would leave her blood upon the head of
that ravisher. Poor Isaac turned up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that
God would deliver him from the machinations of that Jezebel; and assured us,
with tears in his eyes, that his being found in bed with her was the result of
her own invitation. The waggoner, understanding the case, advised Isaac to make
it up, by giving her a sum of money: to which advice he replied with great
vehemence, “A sum of money!—a halter for the cockatrice!”
“Oh! ’tis very well,” said Miss Jenny; “I see it is in
vain to attempt that flinty heart of his by fair means. Joey, be so good as to
go to the justice, and tell him there is a sick person here, who wants to see
him on an affair of consequence.” At the name of justice Isaac trembled,
and bidding Joey stay, asked with a quavering voice, “What she would
have? She told him that, as he had not perpetrated his wicked purpose, she
would be satisfied with a small matter. And though the damage she might sustain
in her health might be irreparable, she would give him a release for a hundred
guineas.” “A hundred guineas!” cried he in an ecstacy,
“a hundred furies! Where should a poor old wretch like me have a hundred
guineas? If I had so much money, d’ya think I should be found travelling
in a waggon, at this season of the year?” “Come, come,”
replied Jenny, “none of your miserly artifice here. You think I
don’t know Isaac Rapine, the money-broker, in the Minories. Ah! you old
rogue! many a pawn have you had of me and my acquaintance, which was never
redeemed.” Isaac, finding it was in vain to disguise himself, offered
twenty shillings for a discharge, which she absolutely refused under fifty
pounds: at last, however, she was brought down to five, which he paid with
great reluctancy, rather than be prosecuted for a rape. After which
accommodation, the sick person made a shift to get into the waggon, and we set
forward in great tranquillity; Strap being accommodated with Joey’s
horse, the driver himself choosing to walk. The morning and forenoon we were
entertained with an account of the valour of Captain Weazel, who told us he had
once knocked down a soldier that made game of him; tweaked a drawer by the
nose, who found fault with his picking his teeth with a fork, at another time;
and that he had moreover challenged a cheesemonger, who had the presumption to
be his rival: for the truth of which exploits he appealed to his wife. She
confirmed whatever he said, and observed, “The last affair happened that
very day on which I received a love-letter from Squire Gobble, and don’t
you remember, my dear, I was prodigiously sick that very night with eating
ortolans, when my Lord Diddle took notice of my complexion’s being
altered, and my lady was so alarmed that she had well nigh fainted?”
“Yes, my dear,” replied the captain, “you know my lord said
to me, with a sneer, ‘Billy, Mrs. Weazel is certainly breeding.’
And I answered cavalierly, ‘My lord, I wish I could return the
compliment.’ Upon which the whole company broke out into an immoderate
fit of laughter; and my lord, who loves a repartee dearly, came round and
bussed me.” We travelled in this manner five days, without interruption
or meeting anything worth notice: Miss Jenny, who soon recovered her spirits,
entertaining us every day with diverting songs, of which she could sing a great
number; and rallying her own gallant, who, notwithstanding, would never be
reconciled to her. On the sixth day, while we were about to sit down to dinner,
the innkeeper came and told us, that three gentlemen, just arrived, had ordered
the victuals to be carried to their apartment, although he had informed them
that they were bespoke by the passengers in the waggon. To which information
they had replied, “the passengers in the waggon might be d—d, their
betters must be served before them; they supposed it would be no hardship on
such travellers to dine upon bread and cheese for one day.” This was a
terrible disappointment to us all; and we laid our heads together how to remedy
it; when Miss Jenny observed that Captain Weazel, being by profession a
soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us from being insulted. But
the Captain excused himself, saying, he would not for all the world be known to
have travelled in a waggon! swearing at the same time, that could he appear
with honour, they should eat his sword sooner than his provision. Upon this
declaration, Miss Jenny, snatching his weapon, drew it, and ran immediately
into the kitchen, where she threatened to put the cook to death if he did not
send the victuals into our chamber immediately. The noise she made brought the
three strangers down, one of whom no sooner perceived her than he cried,
“Ha! Jenny Ramper! what the devil brought thee hither?” “My
dear Jack Rattle!” replied she, running into his arms, “is it you?
Then Weazel may go to hell for a dinner—I shall dine with you.”

They consented to this proposal with a great deal of joy; and we were on the
point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal, when Joey, understanding
the whole affair, entered the kitchen with a pitchfork in his hand, and swore
he would be the death of any man who should pretend to seize the victuals
prepared for the waggon. The menace had like to have produced fatal
consequences; the three strangers drawing their swords, and being joined by
their servants, and we ranging ourselves on the side of Joey; when the
landlord, interposing, offered to part with his own dinner to keep the peace,
which was accepted by the strangers; and we sat down at table without any
further molestation. In the afternoon, I chose to walk along with Joey, and
Strap took my place. Having entered into a conversation with this driver, I
soon found him to be a merry, facetious, good-natured fellow, and withal very
arch; he informed me, that Miss Jenny was a common girl upon the town, who,
falling into company with a recruiting officer, he carried her down in the
stage coach from London to Newcastle, where he had been arrested for debt, and
was now in prison; upon which she was fain to return to her former way of life,
by this conveyance. He told me likewise, that one of the gentleman’s
servants, who were left at the inn, having accidentally seen Weazel,
immediately knew him, and acquainted Joey with some particulars of his
character. That he had served my Lord Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambre
many years, while he lived separate from his lady; but, upon their
reconciliation, she expressly insisted upon Weazel’s being turned off, as
well as the woman he kept: when his lordship, to get rid of them both with a
good grace, proposed that he should marry his Mistress, and he would procure a
commission for him in the army: this expedient was agreed to, and Weazel is
now, by his lordship’s interest, ensigned in —’s regiment. I
found he and I had the same sentiments with regard to Weazel’s courage,
which he resolved to put to the trial, by alarming the passengers with the cry
of a ‘highwayman!’ as soon as a horseman should appear.

This scheme we put in practice, towards the dusk, when we descried a man on
horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated to the people in the
waggon, that he was afraid we should be all robbed than a general consternation
arose: Strap jumped out of the waggon, and hid himself behind a hedge. The
usurer put forth ejaculations, and made a rustling among the straw, which made
us conjecture he had hid something under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing her hands
uttered lamentable cries: and the captain, to our great amazement, began to
snore; but this artifice did not succeed; for Miss Jenny, shaking him by the
shoulder, bawled out, “Sdeath! captain, is this a time to snore, when we
are going to be robbed? Get up for shame, and behave like a soldier and man of
honour!” Weazel pretended to be in a great passion for being disturbed,
and swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England surrounded
him. “D—n my blood! what are you afraid of?” continued he; at
the same time trembling with such agitation that the whole carriage shook. This
singular piece of behaviour incensed Miss Ramper so much that she cried,
“D—n your pitiful soul, you are as arrant a poltroon, as ever was
drummed out of a regiment. Stop the waggon, Joey—let me out, and by
G—d, if I have rhetoric enough, the thief shall not only take your purse,
but your skin also.” So saying she leaped out with great agility. By this
time the horseman came up and happened to be a gentleman’s servant well
known to Joey, who communicated the scheme, and desired him to carry it on a
little further, by going into the waggon, and questioning those within. The
stranger, consenting for the sake of diversion, approached it, and in a
terrible tone demanded, “Who have we got here?” Isaac replied, with
a lamentable voice, “Here’s a poor miserable sinner, who has got a
small family to maintain, and nothing in the world wherewithal, but these
fifteen shillings which if you rob me of we must all starve together.”
“Who’s that sobbing in the other corner?” said the supposed
highwayman. “A poor unfortunate woman,” answered Mrs. Weazle,
“upon whom I beg you, for Christ’s sake, to have compassion.”
“Are you maid or wife,” said he. “Wife, to my sorrow,”
said she. “Who, or where is your husband?” continued he. “My
husband,” replied Mrs. Weazel, “is an officer in the army and was
left sick at the last inn where we dined.” “You must be mistaken,
madam,” said he, “for I myself saw him get into the waggon this
afternoon. But pray what smell is that? Sure your lapdog has befouled himself;
let me catch hold of the nasty cur, I’ll teach him better manners.”
Here he laid hold of one of Weazel’s legs, and pulled him out from under
his wife’s petticoat, where he had concealed himself. The poor trembling
captain, being detected in his inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes, and
affecting to wake out of sleep, cried, “What’s the matter?
What’s the matter?” “The matter is not much,” answered
the horseman; “I only called in to inquire after your health, and so
adieu, most noble captain.” He clapped spurs to his horse, and was out of
sight in a moment.

It was some time before Weazel could recollect himself, but at length
reassuming the big look, he said, “D—n the fellow! why did he ride
away before I had time to ask him how his lord and lady do? Don’t you
remember Tom, my dear?” addressing himself to his wife.
“Yes,” replied she, “I think I do remember something of the
fellow, but you know I seldom converse with people of his station.”
“Hey-day!” cried Joey, “do yaw knaw the young mon,
coptain?” “Know him,” said Weazel, “many a time has he
filled a glass of Burgundy for me, at my Lord Trippett’s table.”
“And what may his name be, coptain?” said Joey. “His
name!—his name,” replied Weazel, “is Tom Rinser.”
“Waunds,” cried Joey, “a has changed his own neame then! for
I’se lay a wager he was christened John Trotter.” This observation
raised a laugh against the captain, who seemed very much disconcerted; when
Isaac broke silence, and said, “It is no matter who or what he was, since
he has not proved the robber we suspected, and we ought to bless God for our
narrow escape.” “Bless God,” said Weazel, “bless the
devil! for what? Had he been a highwayman, I should have eaten his blood, body,
and guts, before he had robbed me, or any one in this diligence.”
“Ha, ha, ha,” cried Miss Jenny, “I believe you will eat all
you kill, indeed, captain.” The usurer was so well pleased at the event
of this adventure, that he could not refrain from being severe, and took notice
that Captain Weazel seemed to be a good Christian, for he had armed himself
with patience and resignation, instead of carnal weapons; and worked out his
salvation with fear and trembling. This piece of satire occasioned a great deal
of mirth at Weazel’s expense, who muttered a great many oaths, and
threatened to cut Isaac’s throat. The usurer, taking hold of this menace,
said, “Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witness, that my life is
in danger from this bloody-minded officer; I’ll have him bound over to
the peace.” This second sneer produced another laugh against him, and he
remained crestfallen during the remaining part of our journey.

CHAPTER XIII

Strap and I are terrified by an Apparition—Strap’s
Conjecture—the Mystery explained by Joey—we arrive in
London—our Dress and Appearance described—we are insulted in the
Street—an Adventure in an Alehouse—we are imposed upon by a waggish
Footman—set to rights by a Tobacconist—take Lodgings—dive for
a Dinner—an Accident at our Ordinary

We arrived at our inn, supped, and went to bed; but Strap’s distemper
continuing, he was obliged to rise in the middle of the night, and taking the
candle in his hand, which he had left burning for the purpose, he went down to
the house of office, whence in a short time he returned in a great hurry, with
his hair standing on end, and a look betokening horror and astonishment.
Without speaking a word, he set down the light and jumped into bed behind me,
where he lay and trembled with great violence. When I asked him what was the
matter, he replied, with a broken accent, “God have mercy on us! I have
seen the devil!” Though my prejudice was not quite so strong as his, I
was not a little alarmed at this exclamation, and much more so when I heard the
sound of bells approaching our chamber, and felt my bedfellow cling close to
me, uttering these words, “Christ have mercy upon us; there he
comes!” At that instance a monstrous overgrown raven entered our chamber,
with bells at his feet, and made directly towards our bed. As this creature is
reckoned in our country a common vehicle for the devil and witches to play
their pranks in, I verily believed we were haunted; and, in a violent fright,
shrank under the bedclothes. This terrible apparition leaped upon the bed, and
after giving us several severe dabs with its beak through the blankets, hopped
away, and vanished. Strap and I recommended ourselves to the protection of
heaven with great devotion, and, when we no longer heard the noise, ventured to
peep up and take breath. But we had not been long freed from this phantom, when
another appeared, that had well nigh deprived us both of our senses. We
perceived an old man enter the room, with a long white beard that reached to
his middle; there was a certain wild peculiarity in his eyes and countenance
that did not savour of this world; and his dress consisted of a brown stuff
coat, buttoned behind and at the wrists, with an odd-fashioned cap of the same
stuff upon his head. I was so amazed that I had not power to move my eyes from
such a ghastly object, but lay motionless and saw him come straight up to me:
when he reached the bed, he wrung his hands, and cried, with a voice that did
not seem to belong to a human creature, “Where is Ralph?” I made no
reply: upon which he repeated, in an accent still more preternatural,
“Where is Ralpho?” He had no sooner pronounced these words than I
heard the sound of the bells at a distance; which the apparition, having
listened to, tripped away, and left me almost petrified with fear. It was a
good while before I could recover myself so far as to speak; and, when at
length I turned to Strap, I found him in a fit, which, however, did not last
long. When he came to himself, I asked his opinion of what had happened; and he
assured me that the first must certainly be the soul of some person damned,
which appeared by the chain about his legs (for his fears had magnified the
creature to the bigness of a horse, and the sound of small morice-bells to the
clanking of massy chains). As for the old man, he took it to be the spirit of
somebody murdered long ago in this place, which had power granted to torment
the assassin in the shape of a raven, and that Ralpho was the name of the said
murderer. Although I had not much faith in this interpretation, I was too much
troubled to enjoy any sleep: and in all my future adventures never passed a
night so ill.

In the morning Strap imparted the whole affair to Joey, who, after an
immoderate fit of laughter, explained the matter, by telling him that the old
man was the landlord’s father, who had been an idiot some years, and
diverted himself with a tame raven, which, it seems, had hopped away from his
apartment in the night, and induced him to follow it to our chamber, where he
had inquired after it under the name of Ralpho.

Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey, which
continued six or seven days longer: at length we entered the great city, and
lodged all night at the inn where the waggon put up. Next morning all the
passengers parted different ways, while my companion and I sallied out to
inquire for the member of parliament, to whom I had a letter of recommendation
from Mr. Crab. As we had discharged our lodging at the inn, Strap took up our
baggage and, marched behind me in the street with the knapsack on his back, as
usual, so that we made a very whimsical appearance. I had dressed myself to the
greatest advantage; that is, put on a clean ruffled shirt, and my best thread
stockings: my hair (which was of the deepest red) hung down upon my shoulders,
as lank and straight as a pound of candles; and the skirts of my coat reached
to the middle of my leg; my waistcoat and breeches were of the same piece, and
cut in the same taste; and my hat very much resembled a barber’s basin,
in the shallowness of the crown and narrowness of the brim. Strap was habited
in a much less awkward manner: but a short crop-eared wig, that very much
resembled Scrub’s in the play, and the knapsack on his back, added to
what is called a queer phiz, occasioned by a long chin, a hook nose, and high
cheek bones, rendered him, on the whole, a very fit subject of mirth and
pleasantry. As he walked along, Strap, at my desire, inquired of a carman, whom
we met, whereabouts Mr. Cringer lived: and was answered by a stare, accompanied
with the word “Anan!” Upon which I came up, in order to explain the
question, but had the misfortune to be unintelligible likewise, the carman
damning us for a lousy Scotch guard, whipping his horses with a “Gee
ho!” which nettled me to the quick, and roused the indignation of Strap
so far that, after the fellow was gone a good way, he told me he would fight
him for a farthing.

While we were deliberating upon what was to be done, a hackney coachman,
driving softly along, and perceiving us standing by the kennel, came up close
to us, and calling, “A coach, master!” by a dexterous management of
the reins made his horses stumble in the wet, and bedaub us all over with mud.
After which exploit he drove on, applauding himself with a hearty laugh, in
which several people joined, to my great mortification; but one, more
compassionate than the rest, seeing us strangers, advised me to go into an
alehouse, and dry myself. I thanked him for his advice, which I immediately
complied with; and, going into the house he pointed out, called for a pot of
beer, and sat down by a fire in the public room where we cleaned ourselves as
well as we could. In the meantime, a wag, who sat in a box, smoking his pipe,
understanding, by our dialect, that we were from Scotland, came up to me and,
with a grave countenance asked how long I had been caught. As I did not know
the meaning of this question, I made no answer; and he went on, saying it could
not be a great while, for my tail was not yet cut; at the same time taking hold
of my hair, and tipping the wink to the rest of the company, who seemed highly
entertained with his wit. I was incensed at this usage, but afraid of resenting
it, because I happened to be in a strange place, and perceived the person who
spoke to me was a brawny fellow, for whom I thought myself by no means a match.
However, Strap, having either more courage or less caution, could not put up
with the insults I suffered, but told him in a peremptory tone, “He was
an uncivil fellow for making so free with his betters.” Then the wit
going toward him, asked him what he had got in his knapsack? “Is it
oatmeal or brimstone, Sawney?” said he, seizing him by the chin, which he
shook, to the inexpressible diversion of all present. My companion, feeling
himself assaulted in such an opprobrious manner, disengaged himself in a trice,
and lent his antagonist such a box on the ear as made him stagger to the other
side of the room; and, in a moment, a ring was formed for the combatants.
Seeing Strap beginning to strip, and my blood being heated with indignation,
which banished all other thoughts, I undressed myself to the skin in an
instant, and declared, that as the affront that occasioned the quarrel was
offered to me, I would fight it out myself; upon which one or two cried out,
“That’s a brave Scotch boy; you shall have fair play.” His
assurance gave me fresh spirits, and, going up to my adversary, who by his pale
countenance did not seem much inclined to the battle, I struck him so hard on
the stomach, that he reeled over a bench, and fell to the ground. Then I
attempted to keep him down, in order to improve my success, according to the
manner of my own country, but was restrained by the spectators, one of whom
endeavoured to raise up my opponent, but in vain; for he protested he would not
fight, for he was not quite recovered of a late illness. I was very well
pleased with this excuse, and immediately dressed myself, having acquired the
good opinion of the company for my bravery, as well as of my comrade Strap, who
shook me by the hand, and wished me joy of the victory.

After having drunk our pot, and dried our clothes, we inquired of the landlord
if he knew Mr. Cringer, the member of parliament, and were amazed at his
replying in the negative; for we imagined he must be altogether as conspicuous
here as in the borough he represented; but he told us we might possibly hear of
him as we passed along. We betook ourselves therefore to the street, where
seeing a footman standing at the door, we made up to him, and asked if he knew
where our patron lived? This member of the particoloured fraternity, surveying
us both very minutely, said he knew Mr. Cringer very well, and bade us turn
down the first street on our left, then turn to the right, and then to the left
again, after which perambulation we would observe a lane, through which we must
pass, and at the other end we should find an alley that leads to another
street, where we should see the sign of the Thistle and Three Pedlars, and
there he lodged. We thanked him for his information, and went forwards, Strap
telling me, that he knew this person to be an honest friendly man by his
countenance, before he opened his mouth; in which opinion I acquiesced,
ascribing his good manners to the company he daily saw in the house where he
served.

We followed his directions punctually, in turning to the left, and to the
right, and to the left again; but instead of seeing a lane before us, found
ourselves at the side of the river, a circumstance that perplexed us not a
little; and my fellow-traveller ventured to pronounce, that we had certainly
missed our way. By this time we were pretty much fatigued with our walk, and
not knowing how to proceed, I went into a small snuff-shop hard by, encouraged
by the sign of the Highlander, where I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction,
the shopkeeper was my countryman. He was no sooner informed of our
peregrination, and the directions we had received from the footman, than he
informed us we had been imposed upon, telling us, Mr. Cringer lived in the
other end of the town and that it would be to no purpose for us to go thither
to-day, for by that time he was gone to the House. I then asked, if he could
recommend us a lodging. He really gave us a line to one of his acquaintance who
kept a chandler’s shop not far from St. Martin’s Lane; there we
hired a bed-room, up two pair of stairs, at the rate of two shillings per week,
so very small, that when the bed was let down, we were obliged to carry out
every other piece of furniture that belonged to the apartment, and use the
bedstead by way of chairs. About dinner-time, our landlord asked how we
proposed to live? to which interrogation we answered, that we would be directed
by him. “Well, then,” says he, “there are two ways of eating
in this town for people of your condition—the one more creditable and
expensive than the other: the first is to dine at an eating-house frequented by
well-dressed people only; and the other is called diving, practised by those
who are either obliged or inclined to live frugally.” I gave him to
understand that, provided the last was not infamous, it would suit much better
with our circumstances than the other. “Infamous!” cried he,
“not at all; there are many creditable people, rich people, ay, and fine
people, that dive every day. I have seen many a pretty gentleman with a laced
waistcoat dine in that manner very comfortably for three pence halfpenny, and
go afterwards to the coffee-house, where he made a figure with the best lord in
the land; but your own eyes shall bear witness—I will go along with you
to-day and introduce you.”

He accordingly conducted us to a certain lane, where stopping, he bade us
observe him, and do as he did, and, walking a few paces, dived into a cellar
and disappeared in an instant. I followed his example, and descending very
successfully, found myself in the middle of a cook’s shop, almost
suffocated with the steams of boiled beef, and surrounded by a company of
hackney coachmen, chairmen, draymen, and a few footmen out of place or on
board-wages; who sat eating shin of beef, tripe, cow-heel, or sausages, at
separate boards, covered with cloths which turned my stomach. While I stood in
amaze, undetermined whether to sit down or walk upwards again, Strap, in his
descent, missing one of the stops, tumbled headlong into this infernal
ordinary, and overturned the cook as she carried a porringer of soup to one of
the guests. In her fall, she dashed the whole mess against the legs of a
drummer belonging to the foot-guards, who happened to be in her way, and
scalded him so miserably, that he started up, and danced up and down, uttering
a volley of execrations that made my hair stand on end.

While he entertained the company in this manner, with an eloquence peculiar to
himself, the cook got up, and after a hearty curse on the poor author of this
mischance, who lay under the table with a woful countenance, emptied a
salt-cellar in her hand, and, stripping down the patient’s stocking,
which brought the skin along with it, applied the contents to the sore. This
poultice was scarce laid on, when the drummer, who had begun to abate of his
exclamations, broke forth into such a hideous yell as made the whole company
tremble, then, seizing a pewter pint pot that stood by him, squeezed the sides
of it together, as if it had been made of pliant leather, grinding his teeth at
the same time with a most horrible grin. Guessing the cause of this violent
transport, I bade the woman wash off the salt, and bathe the part with oil,
which she did, and procured him immediate ease. But here another difficulty
occurred, which was no other than the landlady’s insisting on his paying
for the pot he had rendered useless. He said, he would pay for nothing but what
he had eaten, and bade her be thankful for his moderation, or else he would
prosecute her for damages. Strap, foreseeing the whole affair would lie at his
door, promised to satisfy the cook, and called for a dram of gin to treat the
drummer, which entirely appeased him, and composed all animosities. After this
accommodation, our landlord and we sat down at a board, and dined upon shin of
beef most deliciously; our reckoning amounting to twopence halfpenny each,
bread and small beer included.

CHAPTER XIV

We visit Strap’s friend—a description of him—his
advice—we go to Mr. Cringer’s house—are denied
admittance—an Accident befalls Strap—his behaviour
thereupon—an extraordinary adventure occurs, in the course of which I
lose all my money

In the afternoon my companion proposed to call at his friend’s house,
which, we were informed, was in the neighbourhood, whither we accordingly went,
and were so lucky as to find him at home. This gentleman, who had come from
Scotland three or four years before, kept a school in town, where he taught the
Latin, French, and Italian languages; but what he chiefly professed was the
pronunciation of the English tongue, after a method more speedy and uncommon
than any practised heretofore, and, indeed, if his scholars spoke like their
master, the latter part of his undertaking was certainly performed to a tittle:
for although I could easily understand every word of what I had heard hitherto
since I entered England, three parts in four of his dialect were as
unintelligible to me as if he had spoken in Arabic or Irish. He was a
middle-sized man, and stooped very much, though not above the age of forty; his
face was frightfully pitted with the small-pox, and his mouth extended from ear
to ear. He was dressed in a night-gown of plaid, fastened about his middle with
a sergeant’s old sash, and a tie-periwig with a foretop three inches
high, in the fashion of King Charles the Second’s reign.

After he had received Strap, who was related to him, very courteously, he
inquired of him who I was; and being informed, he took me by the hand, telling
me he was at school with my father. When he understood my situation, he assured
me that he would do me all the service in his power, both by his advice and
otherwise, and while he spoke these words eyed me with great attention, walking
round me several times, and muttering, “Oh, dear! Oh, dear! fat a saight
is here!” I soon guessed the reason of his ejaculation, and said,
“I suppose, sir, you are not pleased with my dress.”
“Dress,” answered he, “you may caal it fat you please in your
country, but I vow to Gad ’tis a masquerade here. No Christian will admit
such a figure into his house. Upon my conscience, I wonder the dogs did not
hunt you. Did you pass through St. James’s market? Bless my eyesaight!
you are like a cousin-german of an ourangoutang.” I began to be a little
serious at this discourse, and asked him, if he thought I should obtain
entrance to-morrow at the house of Mr. Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended for
an introduction into business? “Mr. Cringer, Mr. Cringer,” replied
he, scratching his cheek, “may be a very honest gentleman—I know
nothing to the contrary; but is your sole dependence upon him? Who recommended
you to him?” I pulled out Mr. Crab’s letter, and told him the
foundation of my hopes, at which he stared at me, and repeated “Oh dear!
Oh dear!” I began to conceive bad omens from this behaviour of his, and
begged he would assist me with his advice, which he promised to give very
frankly; and as a specimen, directed us to a periwig warehouse in the
neighbourhood, in order to be accommodated; laying strong injunctions on me not
to appear before Mr. Cringer till I had parted with my carroty locks, which, he
said, were sufficient to beget an antipathy against me in all mankind. And as
we were going to pursue this advice, he called me back and bade me be sure to
deliver my letter into Mr. Cringer’s own hand.

As we walked along, Strap triumphed greatly in our reception with his friend,
who, it seems, had assured him he would in a day or two provide for him with
some good master; “I and now,” says he, “I you will see how I
will fit you with a wig. There’s ne’er a barber in London (and
that’s a bold word) can palm a rotten caul, or a pennyweight of dead
hair, upon me.” And, indeed, this zealous adherent did wrangle so long
with the merchant, that he was desired twenty times to leave the shop, and see
if he could get one cheaper elsewhere. At length I made choice (if a good
handsome bob), for which I paid ten shillings, and returned to our lodging,
where Strap in a moment rid me of that hair which had given the schoolmaster so
much offence.

We got up next day betimes, having been informed that Mr. Cringer gave audience
by candle-light to all his dependents, he himself being obliged to attend the
levee of my Lord Terrier at break of day, because his lordship made one at the
minister’s between eight and nine o’clock. When we came to Mr.
Cringer’s door, Strap, to give me all instance of his politeness, ran to
the knocker, which he employed so loud and so long, that he alarmed the whole
street; and a window opening in the second story of the next house, a vessel
was discharged upon him so successfully, that the poor barber was wet to the
skin, while I, being luckily at some distance, escaped the unsavoury deluge. In
the meantime, a footman opening the door, and seeing nobody in the street but
us, asked, with a stern countenance, if it was I who made such a noise, and
what I wanted. I told him I had business with his master, whom I desired to
see. Upon which he slapped the door in my face, telling me I must learn better
manners before I could have access to his master. Vexed at this disappointment,
I turned my resentment against Strap, whom I sharply reprimanded for his
presumption; but he, not in the least regarding what I said, wrung the wet out
of his periwig, and lifting up a large stone, flung it with such force against
the street door of that house from whence he had been bedewed, that the lock
giving way, it flew wide open, and he took to his heels, leaving me to follow
him as I could. Indeed, there was no time for deliberation; I therefore pursued
him with all the speed I could exert, until we found ourselves about the dawn
in a street we did not know. Here, as we wandered along gaping about, a very
decent sort of a man, passing by me, stopped of a sudden and took up something,
which having examined, he turned and presented to me with these words:
“Sir, you have dropped half-a-crown.” I was not a little surprised
at this instance of honesty, and told him it did not belong to me; but he bade
me recollect, and see if all my money was safe; upon which I pulled out my
purse, for I had bought one since I came to town, and, reckoning my money in my
hand, which was now reduced to five guineas seven shillings and twopence,
assured him I had lost nothing. “Well, then, says he, so much the better;
this is a godsend, and as you two were present when I picked it up, you are
entitled to equal shares with me.” I was astonished at these words, and
looked upon this person to be a prodigy of integrity, but absolutely refused to
take any part of the sum. “Come, gentlemen,” said he, “you
are too modest—I see you are strangers, but you shall give me leave to
treat you with a whet this cold raw morning.” I would have declined the
invitation, but Strap whispered to me that the gentleman would be affronted,
and I complied. “Where shall we go?” said the stranger; “I am
quite ignorant of this part of the town.” I informed him that we were in
the same situation; upon which he proposed to go into the first public-house we
should find open; and as we walked together, he began in this manner: “I
find by your tongues you are from Scotland, gentlemen; my grandmother by the
father’s side was of your country, and I am so prepossessed in its
favour, that I never meet a Scotchman but my heart warms. The Scots are very
brave people. There is scarce a great family in the kingdom that cannot boast
of some exploits performed by its ancestors many hundred years ago.
There’s your Douglasses, Gordons, Campbells, Hamiltons. We have no such
ancient families here in England. Then you are all very well educated. I have
known a pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew as well as if they had been his
mother-tongue. And for honesty—I once had a servant, his name was Gregor
Macgregor, I would have trusted him with untold gold.”

This eulogium of my native country gained my affections so strongly, that I
believe I could have gone to death to serve the author; and Strap’s eyes
swam in tears. At length, as we passed through a dark narrow lane, we perceived
a public-house, which we entered, and found a man sitting by the fire, smoking
a pipe, with a pint of purl before him. Our new acquaintance asked us if ever
we had drunk egg-flip? To which question we answering in the negative, he
assured us of a regale, and ordered a quart to be prepared, calling for pipes
and tobacco at the same time. We found this composition very palateable, and
drank heartily; the conversation, which was introduced by the gentleman,
turning upon the snares that young inexperienced people are exposed to in this
metropolis. He described a thousand cheats that are daily practised upon the
ignorant and unwary, and warned us of them with so much good nature and
concern, that we blessed the opportunity which threw us in his way. After we
had put the can about for some time, our new friend began to yawn, telling us
he had been up all night with a sick person; and proposed we should have
recourse to some diversion to keep him awake. “Suppose,” said he,
“we should take a hand at whist for pastime. But let me see: that
won’t do, there’s only three of us; and I cannot play at any other
game. The truth is, I seldom or never play, but out of complaisance, or at such
a time as this, when I am in danger of falling asleep.”

Although I was not much inclined to gaming, I felt no aversion to pass an hour
or two at cards with a friend; and knowing that Strap understood as much of the
matter as I, made no scruple of saying, “I wish we could find a fourth
hand.” While we were in this perplexity the person whom we found in the
house at our entrance, overhearing our discourse, took the pipe from his mouth
very gravely, and accosted us thus: “Gentlemen, my pipe is out, you
see,” shaking the ashes into the fire, “and rather than you should
be balked, I don’t care if I take a hand with you for a trifle—but
remember I won’t play for anything of consequence.” We accepted his
proffer with pleasure. Having cut for partners, it fell to my lot to play with
him against our friend and Strap, for threepence a game. We were so successful,
that in a short time I was half-a-crown gainer; when the gentleman whom we had
met in the street observing he had no luck to-day, proposed to leave off, or
change partners. By this time I was inflamed with my good fortune and the
expectation of improving it, as I perceived the two strangers played but
indifferently; therefore I voted for giving him his revenge: and cutting again,
Strap and I, to our mutual satisfaction, happened to be partners. My good
fortune attended me still, and in less than an hour we had got thirty shillings
of their money, for as they lost they grew the keener, and doubled stakes every
time. At last the inconstant goddess began to veer about, and we were very soon
stripped of all our gains, and about forty shillings of our own money. This
loss mortified me extremely, and had a visible effect on the muscles of
Strap’s face, which lengthened apace; but our antagonists perceiving our
condition, kindly permitted us to retrieve our loss, and console ourselves with
a new acquisition. Then my companion wisely suggested it was time to be gone;
upon which the person who had joined us in the house began to curse the cards,
and muttered that we were indebted to fortune only for what we had got, no part
of our success being owing to our good play. This insinuation nettled me so
much that I challenged him to a game at piquet for a crown: and he was with
difficulty persuaded to accept the invitation. This contest ended in less than
an hour to my inexpressible affliction, who lost every shilling of my own
money, Strap absolutely refusing to supply me with a sixpence.

The gentleman at whose request we had come in, perceiving by my disconsolate
looks the situation of my heart, which well nigh burst with grief and
resentment, when the other stranger got up, and went away with my money, began
in this manner:—“I am truly afflicted at your bad luck, and would
willingly repair it, were it in my power. But what in the name of goodness
could provoke you to tempt your fate so long? It is always a maxim with
gamesters to pursue success as far us it will go, and to stop whenever fortune
shifts about. You are a young man, and your passions are too impetuous; you
must learn to govern them better. However, there is no experience like that
which is bought; you will be the better for this the longest day you have to
live. As for the fellow who has got your money, I don’t half like him.
Did not you see me tip you the wink to leave off in time?” I answered,
“No.” “No,” continued he; “you was too eager to
mind anything but the game. But, harkee,” said he in a whisper,
“are you satisfied of that young man’s honesty? His looks are a
little suspicious—but I may be mistaken; he made a great many grimaces
while he stood behind you, this is a very wicked town.” I told him I was
very well convinced of my comrade’s integrity and, that the grimaces he
mentioned were doubtless owing to his anxiety of my loss. “Oh ho! if that
be the case, I ask his pardon. Landlord, see what’s to pay.” The
reckoning amounted to eighteenpence, which, having discharged, the gentleman
shook us both by the hand, and, saying he should be very glad to see us again,
departed.

CHAPTER XV

Strap moralises—presents his purse to me—we inform our landlord of
our misfortune—he unravels the mystery—I present myself to
Cringer—he recommends and turns me over to Mr. Staytape—I become
acquainted with a fellow dependent, who explains the character of Cringer and
Staytape—and informs me of the method to be pursued at the Navy Office
and Surgeons’ Hall—Strap is employed

In our way to our lodging, after a profound silence on both sides, Strap, with
a hideous groan, observed that we had brought our pigs to a fine market. To
this observation I made no reply, and he went on: “God send us well out
of this place; we have not been in London eight and forty hours, and I believe
we have met with eight and forty thousand misfortunes. We have been jeered,
reproached, buffeted, and at last stript of our money; and I suppose by and bye
we shall be stript of our skins. Indeed as to the money part of it, that was
owing to our own folly.—Solomon says, ‘Bray a fool in a mortar, and
he will never be wise.’ Ah! God help us, an ounce of prudence is worth a
pound of gold.” This was no time for him to tamper with my disposition,
already mad with my loss, and inflamed with resentment against him for having
refused me a little money to attempt to retrieve it. I therefore turned towards
him with a stern countenance, and asked, who he called fool? Being altogether
unaccustomed to such looks from me, he stood still, and stared in my face for
some time; then, with some confusion, uttered, “Fool! I called nobody
fool but myself; I am sure I am the greatest fool of the two, for being so much
concerned at other people’s misfortunes; but ‘Nemo omnibus horis
sapit’—that’s all, that’s all.” Upon which a
silence ensued, which brought us to our lodging, where I threw myself upon the
bed in an agony of despair, resolved to perish rather than apply to my
companion, or any other body, for relief; but Strap, who knew my temper, and
whose heart bled within him for my distress, after some pause came to the
bedside, and, putting a leathern purse into my hand, burst into tears, crying,
“I know what you think, but I scorn your thought. There’s all I
have in the world, take it, and I’ll perhaps get more for you before that
be done. If not, I’ll beg for you, steal for you, go through the wide
world with you, and stay with you; for though I be a poor cobbler’s son,
I am no scout.” I was so much touched with the generous passion of this
poor creature, that I could not refrain from weeping also, and we mingled our
tears together for some time. Upon examining the purse, I found in it two
half-guineas and half-a-crown, which I would have returned to him, saying, he
knew better than I how to manage it, but he, absolutely refused my proposal and
told me it was more reasonable and decent that he should depend upon me, who
was a gentleman, than that I should be controlled by him.

After this friendly contest was over, and our minds more at ease, we informed
our landlord of what had happened to us, taking care to conceal the extremity
to which we were reduced. He no sooner heard the story, than he assured us we
had been grievously imposed upon by a couple of sharpers, who were associates;
and that this polite, honest, friendly, humane person, who had treated us so
civilly, was no other than a rascally money-dropper, who made it his business
to decoy strangers in that manner to one of his own haunts, where an accomplice
or two were always waiting to assist in pillaging the prey he had run down.
Here the good man recounted a great many stories of people who has been
seduced, cheated, pilfered, beat—nay, even murdered by such villains. I
was confounded at the artifice and wickedness of mankind; and Strap, lifting up
his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would deliver him from such
scenes of iniquity, for surely the devil had set up his throne in London. Our
landlord being curious to know what reception we had met with at Mr.
Cringer’s, we acquainted him with the particulars, at which he shook his
head, and told us we had not gone the right way to work; that there was nothing
to be done with a member of parliament without a bribe; that the servant was
commonly infected with the master’s disease, and expected to be paid for
his work, as well as his betters. He therefore advised me to give the footman a
shilling the next time I should desire admittance to my patron, or else I
should scarce find an opportunity to deliver my letter. Accordingly, next
morning, when the door was opened, I slipped a shilling into his hand, and told
him I had a letter for his master. I found the good effect of my liberality;
for the fellow let me in immediately, and, taking the letter out of my hand,
desired me to wait in a kind of passage for an answer. In this place I
continued standing for three-quarters-of-an-hour, during which time I saw a
great many young fellows whom I formerly knew in Scotland pass and repass, with
an air of familiarity, in their way to and from the audience-chamber; while I
was fain to stand shivering in the cold, and turn my back to them that they
might not perceive the lowness of my condition. At length, Mr. Cringer came out
to see a young gentleman to the door, who was no other than Squire Gawky,
dressed in a very gay suit of clothes; at parting Mr. Cringer shook him by the
hand and told him he hoped to have the pleasure of his company at dinner. Then
turning about towards me, asked what were my commands? When he understood I was
the person who had brought the letter from Mr. Crab, he affected to recollect
my name, which, however, he pretended he could not do till he had consulted the
letter again; to save him the trouble, I told him my name was Random. Upon
which he went on, “Ay, ay, Random, Random, Random—I think I
remember the name:” and very well he might, for this very individual, Mr.
Cringer, had many a time rode before my grandfather’s cloak-bag, in
quality of a footman. “Well,” says he, “you propose to go on
board a man-of-war as surgeon’s mate.” I replied by a low bow.
“I believe it will be a difficult matter,” continued he, “to
procure a warrant, there being already such a swarm of Scotch surgeons at the
Navy Office, in expectation of the next vacancy, that the commissioners are
afraid of being torn to pieces, and have actually applied for a guard to
protect them. However, some ships will soon be put in commission, and then we
shall see what’s to be done.” So saying, he left me, exceedingly
mortified at the different reception Mr. Gawky and I had met with from this
upstart, proud, mean member, who, I imagined, would have been glad of an
opportunity to be grateful for the obligations he owed to my family.

At my return, I was surprised with the agreeable news of Strap’s being
employed, on the recommendation of his friend, the schoolmaster, by a
periwig-maker in the neighbourhood, who allowed him five shillings per week
besides bed and board. I continued to dance attendance every other morning at
the levee of Mr. Cringer, during a fortnight; in which time I became acquainted
with a young fellow of my own country and profession, who also depended on the
member’s interest, but was treated with much more respect than I, both by
the servants and master, and often admitted into a parlour, where there was a
fire for the convenience of the better sort of those who waited for him.
Thither I was never permitted to penetrate, on account of my appearance, which
was not at all fashionable; but was obliged to stand blowing my fingers in a
cold lobby, and take the first opportunity of Mr. Cringer’s going to the
door to speak with him.

One day, while I enjoyed this occasion a person was introduced, whom Mr.
Cringer no sooner saw, than, running towards him, he saluted him with a low bow
to the very ground, and afterwards shaking him by the hand with great
heartiness and familiarity, called him his good friend, and asked very kindly
after Mrs. Staytape and the young ladies; then, after a whisper, which
continued some minutes, wherein I overheard the word ‘honour’
repeated several times with great emphasis, Mr. Cringer introduced me to this
gentleman, as to a person whose advice and assistance I might depend upon; and
having given me his direction, followed me to the door, where he told me I need
not give myself the trouble to call at his house any more, for Mr. Staytape
would do my business. At that instant my fellow-dependent, coming out after me,
overheard the discourse of Mr. Cringer, and, making up to me in the street,
accosted me very civilly: this address I looked upon as no small honour,
considering the figure he made, for he was dressed in a blue frock with a
button, a green silk waistcoat, trimmed with gold, black velvet breeches, white
silk stockings, silver buckles, a gold-laced hat, a spencer-wig, and a
silver-hilted hanger, with a fine clouded can in his hand. “I
perceive,” says he, “you are but lately come from Scotland; pray
what may your business with Mr. Cringer be? I suppose it is no secret and I may
possibly give you some advice that will be serviceable, for I have been
surgeon’s second mate on board of a seventy-gun ship, and consequently
know a good deal of the world.”

I made no scruple to disclose my situation, which, when he had learned, he
shook his head, and told me he had been pretty much, in the same circumstances
about a year ago: that he had relied on Cringer’s promises, until his
money (which was considerable) as well as his credit, was quite exhausted; and
when he wrote to his relations for a fresh supply, instead of money he received
nothing but reproaches, and the epithets of idle, debauched fellow. That after
he had waited at the Navy Office many months for a warrant to no purpose, he
was fain to pawn some of his clothes, which raised a small sum wherewith he
bribed the secretary, who soon procured a warrant for him, notwithstanding he
had affirmed the same day, that there was not one vacancy. That he had gone on
board, where he remained nine months, at the end of which the ship was put out
of commission, and he said the company were to be paid off in Broad Street the
very next day. That relations being reconciled to him, had charged him to pay
his devoirs regularly to Mr. Cringer, who had informed them by letter that his
interest alone had procured the warrant; in obedience to which command he came
to his levee every morning; as I saw, though he looked upon him to be a very
pitiful scoundrel. In conclusion, he asked me if I had yet passed at
Surgeons’ Hall? To which question I answered, I did not so much as know
it was necessary. “Necessary:” cried he, “Oh then I find I
must instruct you: come along with me, and I’ll give you information
about that matter.” So saying, he carried me into an ale-house, where I
called for some beer, and bread and cheese, on which we breakfasted. While we
sat in this place, he told me I must first go to the Navy Office, and write to
the Board, desiring them to order a letter for me to Surgeon’s Hall, that
I might be examined, touching my skill in surgery. That the surgeons, after
having examined me, would give me my qualification sealed up in form of a
letter directed to the commissioners, which qualification I must deliver to the
secretary of the Board, who would open it in my presence, and read the
contents; after which I must employ my interest to be provided for as soon as
possible. That the expense of his qualification for second mate of a
third-rate, amounted to thirteen shillings, exclusive of the warrant, which
cost him half-a-guinea and half-a-crown, besides a present to the secretary,
which consisted of a three-pound twelve piece. This calculation was like a
thunderbolt to me, whose whole fortune did not amount to twelve shillings. I
accordingly made him acquainted with this part of my distress, after having
thanked him for his information and advice. He condoled me on this occasion;
but bade me be of good cheer, for he had conceived a friendship for me, and
would make all things easy. He was ran out at present, but to-morrow or next
day, he was certain of receiving a considerable sum; of which he would lend me
what would be sufficient to answer my exigencies. This frank declaration
pleased me so much, that I pulled out my purse, and emptied it before him,
begging him to take what he pleased for pocket-expense, until he should receive
his own money. With a good deal of pressing, he was prevailed upon to take five
shillings telling me that he might have what money he wanted at any time for
the trouble of going into the city; but as he had met with me, he would defer
his going thither till tomorrow, when I should go along with him, and he would
put me in the way of acting for myself, without a servile dependence on that
rascal Cringer, much less on the tailor to whom he heard him turn me over.
“How!” cried I, “is Mr. Staytape a tailor.” “No
less, I assure you,” answered he, “and, I confess, more likely to
serve you than the member; for, provided you can entertain him with politics
and conundrums, you may have credit with him for as many and as rich clothes as
you please.” I told him, I was utterly ignorant of both, and so incensed
at Cringer’s usage, that I would never set foot within his door again.

After a good deal more conversation, my new acquaintance and I parted, having
made an appointment to meet next day at the same place; in order to set out for
the city. I went immediately to Strap and related everything which had
happened, but he did not at all approve of my being so forward to lend money to
a stranger, especially as we had already been so much imposed upon by
appearances. “However,” said he, “if you are sure he is a
Scotchman, I believe you are safe.”

CHAPTER XVI

My new acquaintance breaks an appointment—I proceed, by myself, to the
Navy Office—address me to a person there, who assists me with
advice—write to the Board, they grant me a letter to the Surgeons at the
Hall—am informed of the beau’s name and character—find
him—he makes me his confidant in an amour—desires me to pawn my
linen for his occasions—recover what I lent him—some curious
observations on Strap on that occasion—his vanity.

In the morning I rose and went to the place of rendezvous, where I waited two
hours in vain, and was so exasperated against him for breaking his appointment,
that I set out for the city by myself, in hope of finding the villain, and
being revenged on him for his breach of promise. At length I found myself at
the Navy Office, which I entered, and saw crowds of young fellows walking
below, many of whom made no better appearance than myself. I consulted the
physiognomy of each, and at last made up to one whose countenance I liked, and
asked, if he could instruct me in the form of the letter which was to be sent
to the Board to obtain an order for examination? He answered me in broad
Scotch, that he would show me the copy of what he had writ for himself, by
direction of another who know the form, and accordingly pulled it out of his
pocket for my perusal; and told me that, if I was expeditious, I might send it
into the Board before dinner, for they did no business in the afternoon. He
then went with me to coffee-house hard by, where I wrote the letter, which was
immediately delivered to the messenger, who told me I might expect an order
to-morrow about the same time.

Having transacted this piece of business, my mind was a good deal composed; and
as I had met with so much civility from the stranger, I desired further
acquaintance with him, fully resolved, however, not to be deceived by him so
much to my prejudice as I had been by the beau. He agreed to dine with me at
the cook’s shop which I frequented; and on our way thither carried me to
’Change, where I was in hopes of finding Mr. Jackson (for that was the
name of the person who had broke his appointment), I sought him there to no
purpose, and on our way towards the other end of the town imparted to my
companion his behaviour towards me; upon which he gave me to understand, that
he was no stranger to the name of Bean Jackson (so he was called at the Navy
Office), although he did not know him personally; that he had the character of
a good-natured careless fellow, who made no scruple of borrowing from any that
would lend; that most people who knew him believed he had a good principle at
bottom, but his extravagance was such, he would probably never have it in his
power to manifest the honesty of his intention. This made me sweat for my five
shillings, which I nevertheless did not altogether despair of recovering,
provided I could find out the debtor.

This young man likewise added another circumstance of Squire Jackson’s
history, which was, that being destitute of all means to equip himself for sea,
when he received his last warrant, he had been recommended to a person who lent
him a little money, after he had signed a will entitling that person to lift
his wages when they should become due, as also to inherit his effects in case
of his death. That he was still under the tutorage and direction of that
gentleman, who advanced him small sums from time to time upon this security, at
the rate of fifty per cent. But at present his credit was very low, because his
funds would do little more than pay what he had already received, this moderate
interest included. After the stranger (whose name was Thompson) had entertained
me with this account of Jackson, he informed me that he himself had passed for
third mate of a third-rate, about four months ago; since which time he had
constantly attended at the Navy Office, in hope of a warrant, having been
assured from the beginning, both by a Scotch member, and one of the
commissioners to whom the member recommended him, that he should be put into
the first vacancy; notwithstanding which promise, he had the mortification to
see six or seven appointed in the same station almost every week—that now
being utterly impoverished, his sole hope consisted in the promise of a friend
lately come to town, to lend him a small matter, for a present to the
secretary; without which he was persuaded he might wait a thousand years to no
purpose. I conceived a mighty liking for this young fellow, which (I believe)
proceeded from the similitude of our fortunes. We spent the whole day together;
and as he lived at Wapping I desired him to take a share of my bed.

Next day we returned to the Navy Office, where, after being called before the
Board, and questioned about the place of my nativity and education, they
ordered a letter to be made out for me, which, upon paying half-a-crown to the
clerk, I received, and delivered into the hands of the clerk at Surgeons’
Hall, together with a shilling for his trouble in registering my name. By this
time my whole stock was diminished to two shillings, and I saw not the least
prospect of relief, even for present subsistence, much less to enable me to pay
the fees at Surgeons’ Hall for my examination, which would come on in a
fortnight. In this state of perplexity, I consulted Strap, who assured me he
would pawn everything he had in the world, even to his razors, before I should
want: but this expedient I absolutely rejected, telling him, I would a thousand
times rather list for a soldier, of which I had some thoughts, than be any
longer a burden to him. At the word soldier, he grew pale as death, and begged
on his knees I would think no more of that scheme. “God preserve us all
in our right wits!” cried he, “would you turn soldier, and perhaps
be sent abroad against the Spaniards, where you must stand and be shot at like
a woodcock? Heaven keep cold lead out of my carcase, and let me die in a bed
like a Christian, as all my forefathers have done. What signifies all earthly
riches and honour, if one enjoys not content? and, hereafter, there is no
respect of persons. Better be a poor honest barber with a good conscience, and
time to repent of my sins upon my death-bed, than be cut off (God bless us!) by
a musket-shot, as it were in the very flower of one’s age, in the pursuit
of riches and fame. What signify riches, my dear friend? do they not make unto
themselves wings and fly away? as the wise man saith. I could also mention many
other sayings in contempt of riches, both from the Bible and other good books;
but I know you are not very fond of those things, I shall only assure you, that
if you take on to be a soldier, I will do the same; and then if we should both
be slain, you will not only have your own blood to answer for, but mine also:
and peradventure the lives of all those whom we shall kill in battle. Therefore
I pray you, consider whether you will sit down contented with small things and
share the fruits of my industry in peace, till Providence shall send better
tidings; or, by your despair, plunge both our souls and bodies into everlasting
perdition, which God of his infinite mercy forbid!” I could not help
smiling at this harangue, which was delivered with great earnestness, the tears
standing in his eyes all the time, and promised to do nothing of that sort
without his consent and concurrence. He was much comforted with this
declaration; and told me in a few days he should receive a week’s wages,
which should be at my service, but advised me in the meantime to go in quest of
Jackson, and recover, if possible, what he had borrowed of me. I accordingly
trudged about from one end of the town to the other, for several days, without
being able to learn anything certain concerning him: and, one day being
extremely hungry, and allured by the steams that regaled my nostrils from a
boiling cellar, I went down with an intention to gratify my appetite with a
twopennyworth of beef; when to my no small surprise found Mr. Jackson sitting
at dinner with a footman. He no sooner perceived me than he got up and shook me
by the hands saying, he was glad to see me, for he intended to have called at
my lodgings in the afternoon. I was so well pleased at this rencounter and the
apologies he made for not keeping his appointment, that I forgot my resentment,
and sat down to dinner, with the happy expectation of not only recovering my
own money before we should part, but also of reaping the benefit of his promise
to lend me wherewithal to pass examination; and this hope my sanguine
complexion suggested, though the account Thompson gave me of him ought to have
moderated my expectation.

When we had feasted sumptuously, he took his leave of the footman, and
adjourned with me to an ale-house hard by, where, after shaking me by the hand
again, he began thus: “I suppose you think me a sad dog, Mr. Random, and
I do confess that appearances are against me. But I dare say you will forgive
me when I tell you, my not coming at the time appointed was owing to a
peremptory message I received from a certain lady, whom, harkee! (but this is a
great secret) I am to marry very soon. You think this strange, perhaps, but it
is not less true for all that—a five thousand pounder, I’ll assure
you, besides expectations. For my own part, devil take me if I know what any
woman can see engaging about me—but a whim, you know—and then one
would not balk one’s good fortune. You saw that footman who dined with
us—he’s one of the honestest fellows that ever wore livery. You
must know it was by his means I was introduced to her, for he made me first
acquainted with her woman, who is his mistress—ay, many a crown has he
and his sweetheart had of my money—but what of that? things are now
brought to a bearing. I have—(come a little this way) I have proposed
marriage, and the day is fixed—she’s a charming creature, and
writes like an angel! She can repeat all the English tragedies as well as ever
a player in Drury Lane!-and, indeed, is so fond of plays, that to be near the
stage she has taken lodgings in a court hard by the theatre; but you shall
see—you shall see—here’s the last letter she sent me.”
With these words, he put it into my hand, and I read (to the best of my
remembrance) as follows:

‘Dear Kreeter—As you are the animable hopjack of my
contemplayshins, your aydear is infernally skimming before my keymerycal
fansee, when Murfy sends his puppies to the heys of slipping mortals; and when
Febus shines from his merry dying throne; whereupon I shall canseif old time
has lost his pinners, as also cubit his harrows, until thou enjoy sweet propose
in the loafseek harms of thy very faithfool to commend,

Clayrender

Wingar Yard, Drury Lane,
January 12th.’

While I was reading, he seemed to be in an ecstasy, rubbing his hands, and
bursting out into fits of laughter; at last he caught hold of my hand, and
squeezing it, cried, “There—a style for you! What do you think of
this billet-doux?” I answered, “It might be sublime for aught I
knew, for it was altogether above my comprehension.” “Oh,
ho!” said he, “I believe it is—both tender and sublime;
she’s a divine creature! and so doats upon me! Let me see—what
shall I do with this money, when I have once got it into my hands? In the first
place, I shall do for you. I’m a man of few words—-but say no more
that’s determined; whether would you advise me, to purchase some post, by
which I may rise in the state, or lay out my wife’s fortune in land, and
retire to the country at once?” I gave my opinion without hesitation,
that he could not do better than buy an estate and improve; especially since he
had already seen so much of the world. Then I launched out into the praises of
a country life, as described by the poets whose works I had read. He seemed to
relish my advice, but withal told me, that although he had seen a great deal of
the world both at land and sea, having cruised three whole months in the
Channel, yet he should not be satisfied until he had visited France, which he
proposed to do before he should settle; and to carry his wife along with him. I
had nothing to object to his proposal; and asked how soon he hoped to be happy.
“As to that,” he replied, “nothing obstructs my happiness but
the want of a little ready cash; for you must know, my friend in the city has
gone out of town for a week or two, but I unfortunately missed my pay at Broad
Street, by being detained too long by the dear charmer—but there will be
a recall at Chatham next week, whither the ship’s books are sent, and I
have commissioned a friend in that place to receive the money.” “If
that be all,” said I, “there’s no great harm in deferring
your marriage a few days.” “Yes, faith, but there is,” said
he; “you don’t know how many rivals I have, who would take all
advantages against me. I would not balk the impatience of her passion for the
world—the least appearance of coldness or indifference would ruin all;
and such offers don’t occur every day.”

I acquiesced in this observation, and inquired how he intended to proceed. At
this question he rubbed his chin, and said, “Why, truly, I must be
obliged to some friend or other—do you know nobody that would lend me a
small sum for a day or two?” I assured him, I was such an utter stranger
in London, that I did not believe I could borrow a guinea if my life depended
upon it. “No!” said he, “that’s hard—that’s
hard! I wish I had anything to pawn—upon my soul, you have got excellent
linen (feeling the sleeve of my shirt); how many shirts of that kind have you
got?” I answered, “Six ruffled, and six plain.” At which he
testified great surprise, and declared that no gentleman ought to have more
than four. “How many d’ye think I have got?” continued he;
“but this and another, as I hope to be saved! and I dare say we shall be
able to raise a good sum out of your superfluity: let me see—let me
see—each of these shirts is worth sixteen shillings at a moderate
computation—now, suppose we pawn them for half-price—eight times
eight is sixty-four, that’s three pounds four; that will do—give me
your hand.” “Softly, softly, Mr. Jackson,” said I;
“don’t dispose of my linen without my consent: first pay me the
crown you owe me, and then we shall talk of other matters.” He protested
that he had not above one shilling in his pocket, but that he would pay me out
of the first of the money raised from the shirts. This piece of assurance
incensed me so much that I swore I would not part with him until I had received
satisfaction for what I had lent him; and as for the shirts, I would not pawn
one of them to save him from the gallows.

At this expression he laughed aloud, and then complained it was very hard that
I should refuse him a trifle that would infallibly enable him not only to make
his own fortune but mine also. “You talk of pawning my shirts,”
said I; “suppose you should sell this hanger, Mr. Jackson. I believe it
would fetch a good round sum.” “No, hang it!” said he,
“I can’t appear decently without my hanger, lest it should
go.” However, seeing me inflexible with regard to my linen, he at length
unbuckled his hanger, and, showing me the three blue balls, desired me to carry
it thither and pawn it for two guineas. This office I would by no means have
performed, had I seen any likelihood of having my money otherwise; but not
willing, out of a piece of false delicacy, to neglect the only opportunity I
should perhaps ever have, I ventured into a pawnbroker’s shop, where I
demanded two guineas on the pledge, in the name of Thomas Williams. “Two
guineas!” said the pawnbroker, looking at the hanger; “this piece
of goods has been here several times before for thirty shillings: however,
since I believe the gentleman to whom it belongs will redeem it, he shall have
what he wants;” and accordingly he paid me the money, which I carried to the
house where I had left Jackson; and, calling for change, counted out to him
seven and thirty shillings, reserving the other five for myself. After
looking at the money some time, he said, “Well! it don’t
signify—this won’t do my business; so you may as well take
half-a-guinea, or a whole one, as the five shillings you have kept.” I
thanked him kindly, but refused to accept of any more than was my due, because
I had no prospect of repaying it. Upon which declaration, he stared in my face,
and told me, I was excessively raw or I would not talk in that manner.
“Upon my word,” cried he, “I have a very bad opinion of a
young fellow who won’t borrow of his friend when he is in
want—’tis the sign of a sneaking spirit. Come, come, Random, give
me back the five shillings, and take this half-guinea, and if ever you are able
to pay me, I believe you will: if not, I shall never ask it.”

When I reflected upon my present necessity, I suffered myself to be persuaded,
and after making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson, who offered to treat me
with a play, I returned to my lodgings with a much better opinion of this
gentleman than I had in the morning; and at night imparted my day’s
adventure to Strap, who rejoiced at my good luck, saying, “I told you if
he was a Scotchman you was safe enough—and who knows but this marriage
may make us all. You have heard, I suppose, as how a countryman of ours, a
journeyman baker, ran away with a great lady of this town, and now keeps his
coach. I say nothing; but yesterday morning as I was shaving a gentleman at his
own house, there was a young lady in the room, and she threw so many
sheep’s eyes at a certain person whom I shall not name, that my heart
went knock, knock, knock, like a fulling mill, and my hand sh-sh-shook so much
that I sliced a piece of skin off the gentleman’s nose; whereby he
uttered a deadly oath, and was going to horsewhip me, when she prevented him,
and made my peace. Is not a journeyman barber as good as a journeyman baker?
The only difference is, the baker uses flour for the belly, and the barber
rises it for the head: and as the head is a more noble member than the belly,
so is a barber more noble than a baker—for what’s the belly without
the head? Besides, I am told, he could neither read nor write; now you know I
can do both, and moreover, speak Latin—but I will say no more, for I
despise vanity—nothing is more vain than vanity.” With these words,
he pulled out of his pocket a wax-candle’s end, which he applied to his
forehead; and upon examination, I found had combed his own hair over the toupee
of his wig, and was, indeed, in his whole dress, become a very smart shaver. I
congratulated him on his prospect with a satirical smile, which he understood
very well; and, shaking his head, observed, I had very little faith, but the
truth would come to light in spite of my incredulity.

CHAPTER XVII

I go to Surgeons’ Hall, when I meet Mr. Jackson—am examined—a
fierce dispute arises between two of the examiners—Jackson disguises
himself to attract respect—irises himself to attract respect—is
detected—in hazard of being sent to Bridewell—he treats us at a
Tavern—carries us to a Night-house—A troublesome adventure
there—we are committed to the Round-house—carried before a
Justice—his behaviour

With the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost all the money
he earned, I preserved my half-guinea entire till the day of examination, when
I went with a quaking heart to Surgeons’ Hall, in order to undergo that
ceremony. Among a crowd of young fellows who walked in the outward hall, I
perceived Mr. Jackson, to whom I immediately went up; and, inquiring into the
state of his love affair, understood it was still undetermined, by reason of
his friend’s absence, and the delay of the recall at Chatham, which put
it out of his power to bring it to a conclusion. I then asked what his business
was in this place; he replied, he was resolved to have two strings to his bow,
that in case the one failed, he might use the other; and, with this view, he
was to pass that night for a higher qualification. At that instant, a young
fellow came out from the place of examination, with a pale countenance, his lip
quivering, and his looks as wild as if he had seen a ghost. He no sooner
appeared, than we all flocked about him with the utmost eagerness to know what
reception he had met with; which, after some pause, he described, recounting
all the questions they had asked, with the answers he made. In this manner we
obliged no less than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was past,
they did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot: at length the beadle called
my name, with a voice that made me tremble. However, there was no remedy. I was
conducted into a large hall, where I saw about a dozen of grim faces sitting at
a long table: one of whom bade me come forward, in such an imperious tone, that
I was actually for a minute or two bereft of my senses. The first question he
put to me was, “Where was you born?” To which I answered, “In
Scotland.” “In Scotland,” said he; “I know that very
well—we have scarce any other countrymen to examine here—you
Scotchmen have overspread us of late as the locusts did Egypt. I ask you in
what part of Scotland was you born?” I named the place of my nativity,
which he had never heard of; he then proceeded to interrogate me about my age,
the town where I served my time, with the term of my apprenticeship; and when I
informed him that I served three years only, he fell into a violent passion,
swore it was a shame and a scandal to send such raw boys into the world as
surgeons; that it was great presumption in me, and an affront upon the English,
to pretend sufficient skill in my business, having served so short a time, when
every apprentice in England was bound seven years at least: that my friends
would have done better if they had made me a weaver or shoemaker; but their
pride would have me a gentleman, he supposed, at any rate, and their poverty
could not afford the necessary education. This exordium did not at all
contribute to the recovery of my spirits; but on the contrary, reduced me to
such a situation that I was scarcely able to stand; which being perceived by a
plump gentleman who sat opposite to me with a skull before him, he said, Mr.
Snarler was too severe upon the young man; and, turning towards me, told me I
need not be afraid, for nobody would do me any harm: then, bidding me take time
to recollect myself, he examined me, touching the operation of the trepan, and
was very well satisfied with my answers. The next person who questioned me was
a wag, who began by asking if I had ever seen amputation performed; and I
replying in the affirmative, he shook his head and said, “What! upon a
dead subject, I suppose?” “If,” continued he, “during
an engagement at sea, a man should be brought to you with his head shot off,
how would you behave?” After some hesitation, I owned such a case had
never come under my observation, neither did I remember to have seen any method
of care proposed for such an accident, in any of the systems of surgery I had
perused.

Whether it was owing to the simplicity of my answer, or the archness of the
question, I know not, but every member at the board deigned to smile, except
Mr. Snarler, who seemed to have very little of the ‘animal risible’
in his constitution. The facetious member, encouraged by the success of his
last joke, went on thus: “Suppose you was called to a patient of a
plethoric habit, who has been bruised by a fall, what would you do?” I
answered, “I would bleed him immediately.” “What!” said
he, “before you had tied up his arm?” But this stroke of wit not
answering his expectation, he desired me to advance to the gentleman who sat
next him; and who, with a pert air, asked, what method of cure I would follow
in wounds of the intestines. I repeated the method of care as it is prescribed
by the best chirurgical writers, which he heard to an end, and then said with a
supercilious smile, “So you think with such treatment the patient might
recover?” I told him I saw nothing to make me think otherwise.
“That may be,” resumed he; “I won’t answer for your
foresight, but did you ever know a case of this kind succeed?” I
acknowledged I did not, and was about to tell him I had never seen a wounded
intestine; but he stopt me, by saying, with some precipitation, “Nor
never will! I affirm that all wounds of the intestines, whether great or small,
are mortal.” “Pardon me, brother,” says the fat gentleman,
“there is very good authority—” Here he was interrupted by
the other with—“Sir, excuse me, I despise all
authority—Nullius in verbo—I stand on my own bottom.”
“But sir, sir,” replied his antagonist, “the reason of the
thing shows—” “A fig for reason,” cries this sufficient
member; “I laugh at reason; give me ocular demonstratio.” The
corpulent gentleman began to wax warm, and observed, that no man acquainted
with the anatomy of the parts would advance such an extravagant assertion. This
inuendo enraged the other so much, that he started up, and in a furious tone
exclaimed: “What, Sir! do you question my knowledge in anatomy?”

By this time, all the examiners had espoused the opinion of one or other of the
disputants, and raised their voices altogether, when the chairman commanded
silence, and ordered me to withdraw. In less than a quarter of an hour, I was
called in again, received my qualification scaled up, and was ordered to pay
five shillings. I laid down my half-guinea upon the table, and stood some time,
until one of them bade me begone; to this I replied, “I will when I have
got my change:” upon which another threw me five shillings and sixpence,
saying, I should not be a true Scotchman if I went away without my change. I
was afterwards obliged to give three shillings and sixpence to the beadles, and
a shilling to an old woman who swept the hall: this disbursement sank my
finances to thirteen-pence halfpenny, with which I was sneaking off, when
Jackson, perceiving it, came up to me, and begged I would tarry for him, and he
would accompany me to the other end of the town, as soon as his examination
should be over. I could not refuse this to a person that was so much my friend;
but I was astonished at the change of his dress which was varied in
half-an-hour from what I have already described to a very grotesque fashion.
His head was covered with an old smoke tie-wig that did not boast one crooked
hair, and a slouched hat over it, which would have very well become a
chimney-sweeper, or a dustman; his neck was adorned with a black crape, the
ends of which he had twisted, and fixed in the button-hole of a shabby
greatcoat that wrapped up his whole body; his white silk stockings were
converted into black worsted hose: and his countenance was rendered venerable
by wrinkles, and a beard of his own painting. When I expressed my surprise at
this metamorphosis, he laughed, and told me it was done by the advice and
assistance of a friend, who lived over the way, and would certainly produce
something very much to his advantage; for it gave him the appearance of age,
which never fails of attracting respect. I applauded his sagacity, and waited
with impatience for the effects of it. At length he was called in; but whether
the oddness of his appearance excited a curiosity more than small in the board,
or his behaviour was not suitable to his figure, I know not, he was discovered
to be an imposter, and put into the hands of the beadle in order to be sent to
Bridewell. So that instead of seeing him come out with a cheerful countenance,
and a surgeon’s qualification in his hand, I perceived him led through
the outer hall as a prisoner; and was very much alarmed, and anxious to know
the occasion; when he called with a lamentable voice, and a piteous aspect to
me, and some others who know him, “For God’s sake, gentlemen bear
witness that I am the same individual John Jackson who served as
surgeon’s second mate on board the Elizabeth, or else I shall go to
Bridewell!”

It would have been impossible for the most austere hermit that ever lived to
have refrained from laughing at his appearance and address: we therefore
indulged ourselves a good while at his expense, and afterwards pleaded his
cause so effectually with the beadle who was gratified with half-a-crown, that
the prisoner was dismissed, and in a few moments renewed his former
gaiety—swearing, since the board had refused his money, he would spend
every shilling before he went to bed, in treating his friends; at the same time
inviting us all to favour him with our company. It was now ten o’clock at
night, and, as I had a great way to walk through streets that were utterly
unknown to me, I was prevailed on to be of their party, in hopes he would
afterwards accompany me to my lodgings, according to his promise. He conducted
me to his friend’s house, who kept a tavern over the way where we
continued drinking punch, until the liquor mounted up to our heads, and made us
all extremely frolicsome. I, in particular, was so much elevated, that nothing
would serve me but a wench; at which demand Jackson expressed much joy, and
assured me I should have my desire. before we parted Accordingly, when he had
paid the reckoning, we sallied out, roaring and singing; and were conducted by
our leader to a place of nocturnal entertainment, where Mr. Jackson’s
dress attracted the assiduities of two or three nymphs, who loaded him with
caresses, in return for the arrack punch with which he treated them, till at
length sleep began to exert his power over us all, and our conductor called
“To pay.” When the bill was brought, which amounted to twelve
shillings, he put his hand in his pocket, but might have saved himself the
trouble, for his purse was gone. This accident disconcerted him a good deal at
first; but after some recollection, he seized the two ladies who sat by him,
one in each hand, and swore if they did not immediately restore his money he
would charge a constable with them. The good lady at the bar, seeing what
passed, whispered something to the drawer, who went out; and then with great
composure, asked what was the matter? Jackson told her he was robbed, and swore
if she refused him satisfaction, he would have her and her female friends
committed to Bridewell. “Robbed!” cried she, “robbed in my
house! Gentlemen and Ladies, I take you all to witness, this person has
scandalised my reputation.” At that instant, seeing the constable and
watch enter, she proceeded “What! you must not only endeavour by your
false aspersions to ruin my character, but even commit an assault upon my
family! Mr. Constable, I charge you with this uncivil person, who has been
guilty of a riot here; I shall take care and bring an action against him for
defamation.”

While I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me quite sober,
one of the ladies, being piqued at some repartee that passed between us, cried,
“They are all concerned!” and desired the constable to take us all
into custody; an arrest which was performed instantly, to the utter
astonishment and despair of us all, except Jackson, who having been often in
such scrapes, was very little concerned, and charged the constable, in his
turn, with the landlady and her whole bevy; upon which we were carried
altogether prisoners to the round-house, where Jackson after a word of comfort
to us, informed the constable of his being robbed, to which he said he would
swear next morning before the justice. In a little time the constable, calling
Jackson into another room, spoke to him thus: “I perceive that you and
your company are strangers, and am very sorry for your being involved in such
an ugly business. I have known this woman a great while; she has kept a
notorious house in the neighbourhood this many years; and although often
complained of as a nuisance, still escapes through her interest with the
justices, to whom she and all of her employment pay contribution quarterly for
protection. As she charged me with you first, her complaint will have the
preference, and she can procure evidence to swear whatsoever she shall please
to desire of them; so that, unless you can make it up before morning, you and
your companions may think yourselves happily quit for a month’s hard
labour in Bridewell. Nay, if she should swear a robbery or an assault against
you, you will be committed to Newgate and tried at the next session at the Old
Bailey for your life.” This last piece of information had such an effect
upon Jackson, that he agreed to make it up, provided his money might be
restored. The constable told him, that, instead of retrieving what he had lost,
he was pretty certain it would cost him some more before they could come to any
composition. But, however, he had compassion on him, and would, if he pleased,
sound them about a mutual release. The unfortunate beau thanked him for his
friendship, and returning to us, acquainted us with the substance of this
dialogue; while the constable, desiring to speak in private with our adversary,
carried her into the next room, and pleaded, our cause so effectually, that she
condescended to make him umpire: he accordingly proposed an arbitration, to
which we gave our assent; and he fined each party in three shillings, to be
laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein we drowned all animosities, to the
inexpressible joy of my two late acquaintances and me, who had been extremely
uneasy ever since Jackson mentioned Bridewell and Newgate. By the time we had
finished our bowl—to which, by the bye, I had contributed my last
shilling—it was morning, and I proposed to move homeward, when the
constable gave me to understand, he could discharge no prisoners but by order
of the justice, before whom we must appear. This renewed my chagrin, and I
cursed the hour in which I had yielded to Jackson’s invitation.

About nine o’clock, we were escorted to the house of a certain justice
not many miles distant from Covent Garden, who no sooner saw the constable
enter with a train of prisoners at his heels, than he saluted him as follows:
“So Mr. Constable, you are a diligent man. What den of rogues have you
been scouring?” Then looking at us, who appeared very much dejected, he
continued: “Ay, ay, thieves. I see—old offenders; oh, your humble
servant, Mrs. Harridan! I suppose these fellows have been taken robbing your
house. Yes, yes, here’s an old acquaintance of mine. You have used
expedition,” said he to me, “in returning from transportation; but
we shall save you that trouble for the future—the surgeons will fetch you
from your next transportation, at their expense.” I assured his worship
he was mistaken in me, for he had never seen me in his life before. To this
declaration he replied, “How! you impudent rascal, dare you say so to my
face? Do you think I am to be imposed upon by that northern accent, which you
have assumed? But it shan’t avail you—you shall find me too far
north for you. Here, clerk, write this fellow’s mittimus. His name is
Patrick Gaghagan.” Here Mr. Jackson interposed, and told him I was a
Scotchman lately come to town, descended of a good family, and that my name was
Random. The justice looked upon this assertion as an outrage upon his memory,
on which he valued himself exceedingly; and strutting up to Jackson, with a
fierce countenance, put his hands in his side, and said, “Who are you,
sir? Do you give me the lie? Take notice, gentlemen, here’s a fellow who
affronts me upon the bench but I’ll lay you fast, sirrah, I
will—for notwithstanding your laced jacket, I believe you are a notorious
felon.” My friend was so much abashed at this menace, which was thundered
out with great vociferation, that he changed colour, and remained speechless.
This confusion his worship took for a symptom of guilt, and, to complete the
discovery, continued his threats, “Now, I am convinced you are a
thief—your face discovers it, you tremble all over, your conscience
won’t lie still—you’ll be hanged, sirrah,” raising his
voice, “you’ll be hanged; and happy had it been for the world, as
well as for your own miserable soul, if you had been detected, and cut off in
the beginning of your career. Come hither, clerk, and take this man’s
confession.” I was in an agony of consternation, when the constable,
going into another room with his worship, acquainted him with the truth of the
story; which having learned, he returned with a smiling countenance, and,
addressing himself to us all, said it was always his way to terrify young
people when they came before him, that his threats might make a strong
impression on their minds, and deter them from engaging in scenes of riot and
debauchery, which commonly ended before the judge. Thus, having cloaked his own
want of discernment under the disguise of paternal care, we were dismissed, and
I found myself as much lightened as if a mountain had been lifted off my
breast.

CHAPTER XVIII

I carry my qualification to the Navy Office—the nature of it—the
behaviour of the Secretary—Strap’s concern for my absence—a
battle betwixt him a blacksmith—the troublesome consequences of
it—his harangue to me—his friend the schoolmaster recommends me to
a French Apothecary, who entertains me as a journeyman

I would most willingly have gone home to sleep, but was told by my companions,
that we must deliver our letters of qualification at the Navy office, before
one o’clock. Accordingly, we went thither, and gave them to the
secretary, who opened and read them, and I was mightily pleased to find myself
qualified for second mate of a third-rate. When he had stuck them all together
on a file, one of our company asked if there were any vacancies; to which
interrogation he answered “No!” Then I ventured to inquire if many
ships were to be put in commission soon. At which question he surveyed me with
a look of ineffable contempt; and, pushing us out of his office, locked the
door without deigning us another word. We went down stairs, and conferred
together on our expectations, when I understood that each of them had been
recommended to one or other of the commissioners, and each of them promised the
first vacancy that should fall; but that none of them relied solely upon that
interest, without a present to the secretary, with whom some of the
commissioners went snacks. For which reason, each of them had provided a small
purse; and I was asked what I proposed to give. This was a vexatious question
to me who (far from being in a capacity to gratify a ravenous secretary) had
not wherewithal to purchase a dinner. I therefore answered, I had not yet
determined what to give; and sneaked off toward my own lodging, lamenting my
fate all the way, and inveighing with much bitterness against the barbarity of
my grandfather, and the sordid avarice of my relations, who left me a prey to
contempt and indigence.

Full of these disagreeable reflections, I arrived at the house where I lodged,
and relieved my landlord from great anxiety on my account; for this honest man
believed I had met with some dismal accident, and that he never should see me
again. Strap, who had come to visit me in the morning, understanding I had been
abroad all night, was almost distracted, and after having obtained leave of his
master, had gone in quest of me, though he was even more ignorant of the town
than I. Not being willing to inform the landlord of my adventure, I told him I
had met an acquaintance at Surgeons’ Hall, with whom I spent the evening
and night; but being very much infested with bugs, I had not slept much, and
therefore intended to take a little repose; so saying, I went to bed, and
desired to be awakened if Strap should happen to come while I should be asleep.
I was accordingly roused by my friend himself, who entered my chamber about
three o’clock in the afternoon, and presented a figure to my eyes that I
could scarce believe real. In short, this affectionate shaver, setting out
towards Surgeons’ Hall, had inquired for me there to no purpose: from
whence he found his way to the Navy Office, where he could hear no tidings of
me, because I was unknown to everybody then present; he afterwards went upon
’Change, in hopes of seeing me upon the Scotch walk, but without success.

At last, being almost in despair of finding me, he resolved to ask everybody he
met in the street, if perchance anyone could give him information about me! and
actually put his resolution in practice, in spite of the scoffs, curses, and
reproaches with which he was answered; until a blacksmith’s
’prentice seeing him stop a porter with a burden on his back, and hearing
his question, for which he received a hearty curse, called to him, and asked if
the person he inquired after was not a Scotchman? Strap replied with great
eagerness, “Yes, and had on a brown coat, with long skirts.”
“The same!” said the blacksmith. “I saw him pass by an hour
ago,” “Did you so?” cried Strap, rubbing his hands,
“Odd! I am very glad of that—which way went he?”
“Towards Tyburn in a cart,” said he, “if you make good speed,
you may get thither time enough to see him hanged.” This piece of wit
incensed my friend to such a degree, that he called the blacksmith scoundrel,
and protested he would fight him for half-a-farthing. “No, no!”
said the other, stripping; “I’ll have none of your money—you
Scotchmen seldom carry anything about you; but I’ll fight you for
love.” There was a ring immediately formed by the mob: and Strap, finding
he could not get off honourably without fighting, at the same time burning with
resentment against his adversary, quitted his clothes to the care of the
multitude, and the battle began with great violence on the side of Strap, who
in a few minutes exhausted his breath and spirits on his patient antagonist,
who sustained the assault with great coolness, till finding the barber quite
spent, he returned the blows he had lent him, with such interest, that Strap,
after having received three falls on the hard stones, gave out, and allowed the
blacksmith to be the better man.

The victory being thus decided, it was proposed to adjourn to a cellar hard by,
and drink friends. But when my friend began to gather up his clothes, he
perceived that some honest person or other had made free with his shirt,
neckcloth, hat, and wig, which were carried off; and probably his coat and
waistcoat would have met with the same fate, had they been worth stealing. It
was in vain for him to make a noise, which only yielded mirth to the
spectators; he was fain to get off in this manner, which he accomplished with
much difficulty and appeared before me all besmeared with blood and dirt.
Notwithstanding this misfortune, such was his transport at finding me safe and
sound, that he had almost stifled and stunk me to death with his embraces.
After he had cleaned himself, and put on one of my shirts, and a woollen
nightcap, I recounted to him the particulars of my night’s campaign,
which filled him with admiration, and made him repeat with great energy an
observation which was often in his mouth, namely, ‘that surely London is
the devil’s drawing-room.’ As neither of us had dined, he desired
me to get up, and the milkwoman coming round at that instant, he went
downstairs, and brought up a quart, with a penny loaf, on which we made a
comfortable meal. He then shared his money with me, which amounted to
eighteen-pence, and left me with an intention to borrow an old wig and hat of
his friend the schoolmaster.

He was no sooner gone, than I began to consider my situation with great
uneasiness, and revolved all the schemes my imagination could suggest, in order
to choose and pursue some one that would procure me bread; for it is impossible
to express the pangs I felt, when I reflected on the miserable dependence in
which I lived at the expense of a poor barber’s boy. My pride took the
alarm, and having no hopes of succeeding at the Navy Office, I came to a
resolution of enlisting in the foot-guards next day, be the event what it
would. This extravagant design, by flattering my disposition, gave great
satisfaction; and I was charging the enemy at the head of my own regiment, when
Strap’s return interrupted my reverie. The schoolmaster had made him a
present of the tie-wig which he wore, when I was introduced to him, together
with an old hat, whose brims would have overshadowed a Colossus. Though Strap
had ventured to wear them in the dusk, he did not choose to entertain the mob
by day; therefore went to work immediately, and reduced them both to a moderate
size. While he was employed in this office, he addressed me thus: “To be
sure, Mr. Random, you are born a gentleman, and have a great deal of
learning—and, indeed, look like a gentleman; for, as to person, you may
hold up your head with the best of them. On the other hand, I am a poor but
honest cobbler’s son: my mother was as industrious a woman as ever broke
bread, till such time as she took to drinking, which you very well know; but
everybody has failings—Humanum est errare. Now myself, I am a poor
journeyman barber, tolerably well made and understand some Latin, and have a
smattering of Greek; but what of that? Perhaps I might also say, that I know a
little of the world; but that is to no purpose,—though you be gentle, and
I simple, it does not follow, but that I who am simple may do a good office to
you who are gentle. Now this is the case: my kinsman, the
schoolmaster—perhaps you did not know how nearly he is related to
me—I’ll satisfy you in that presently; his mother and my
grandmother’s sister’s nephew—no, that’s not
it!—my grandfather’s brother’s daughter—rabbit it! I
have forgot the degree. But this I know, he and I are cousins seven times
removed.” My impatience to know the good office he had done me, got the
better of my temper, and I interrupted him at this place with the exclamation,
“If the schoolmaster or you can be of any advantage to me, why
don’t you tell me without all this preamble?” When I pronounced
these words with some vehemence, Strap looked at me for same time with a grave
countenance, and then went on: “I’m very sorry to see such an
alteration in your temper of late; you were always fiery, but now you are grown
as crabbed as old Periwinkle the drunken tinker, on whom you and I (God forgive
us!) played so many unlucky tricks while we were at school—but I will no
longer detain you in suspense, because (doubtless) nothing is more uneasy than
doubt—Dubio procul dubio nil dubius. My friend or relation, or which you
will, or both, the schoolmaster, being informed of the regard I have for you;
for you may be sure I did not fail to let him know of your good
qualities—by the bye, he has undertaken to teach you the pronunciation of
the English tongue, without which, he says, you will be unfit for business in
this country—I say my relation has spoke in your behalf to a French
apothecary who wants a journeyman; and on his recommendation you may have
fifteen pounds a year, bed and board, whenever you please.” I was too
much interested in this piece of news to entertain it with indifference; but,
jumping up, insisted on Strap’s immediately accompanying me to the house
of his friend, that I might not lose this opportunity through the least delay
or neglect on my part.

We were informed, that the schoolmaster was in company at a public-house in the
neighbourhood, whither we repaired, and found him drinking with the very
individual apothecary in question. When he was called to the door at our
desire, and observed my impatience, he broke out into his usual term of
admiration. “Oh! I suppose, when you heard of this offer, you did not
take leisure enough to come downstairs, but leaped out of the window: did you
overturn no porter nor oyster-woman in your way? It was a mercy of God you did
not knock your brains out against some post in your career. Oh, my conscience!
I believe, had I been in the inmost recesses of my habitation—the very
penetralia—your eagerness would have surmounted bolts, bars, decency, and
everything. The den of Cacus, or sanctum sanctorum, could not have hid me from
you. But come along the gentleman of whom I spoke is in the house; I will
present you to him forthwith.” When I entered the room, I perceived four
or five people smoking, one of whom the schoolmaster accosted thus: “Mr.
Lavement, here’s the young man of whom I spoke to you.” The
apothecary, who was a little old withered man, with a forehead about an inch
high, a nose turned up at the end, large cheek-bones that helped to form a pit
for his little gray eyes, a great bag of loose skin hanging down on each side
in wrinkles, like the alforjos of a baboon, and a mouth so much accustomed to
that contraction which produces grinning, that he could not pronounce a
syllable without discovering the remains of his teeth, which consisted of four
yellow fangs, not improperly, by anatomists, called canine. This person, I say,
after having eyed me some time, said, “Oho, ’tis ver well, Monsieur
Concordance; young man, you are ver welcome, take one coup of bierre—and
come to mine house to-morrow morning; Monsieur Concordance vil show you de
way.” Upon this I made my bow, and as I went out of the room could hear
him say, “Ma foi! c’est un beau garçon; c’est un
gaillard.”

As I had by my own application, while I served Crab, acquired the French tongue
well enough to read authors written in that language and understand anything
that occurred in conversation, I determined to pretend ignorance to my new
master, that he and his family, whom I supposed to be of the same country, not
being on the reserve before me, I might possibly discover something in
discourse, which would either yield me amusement or advantage. Next morning Mr.
Concordance carried me to the apothecary’s house, where the bargain was
made, and orders given to provide an apartment for me immediately. But before I
entered upon business the schoolmaster recommended me to his tailor, who gave
me credit for a suit of clothes, to be paid out of the first moiety of my
wages, and they were begun upon that very day; he afterwards accommodated me
with a new hat on the same term: so that in a few days I hoped to make a very
fashionable appearance. In the meantime, Strap conveyed my baggage to the place
allotted for me, which was a back room up two pair of stairs, furnished with a
pallet for me to lie upon, a chair without a back, a bottle by way of
candlestick, and a triangular piece of glass instead of a mirror; the rest of
its ornaments having been lately removed to one of the garrets, for the
convenience of the servant of an Irish captain, who lodged in the first floor.

CHAPTER XIX

The character of Mr. Lavement, his wife and daughter—some anecdotes of
the family—the mother and daughter rivals—I am guilty of a mistake
that gives me present satisfaction, but is attended with troublesome
consequences

Next day, while I was at work in the shop, a bouncing damsel well dressed came
on pretence of finding a vial for some use or other; and taking an opportunity,
when she thought I did not mind her, of observing me narrowly, went away with a
silent look of disdain. I easily guessed her sentiments, and my pride took the
resolution of entertaining the same indifference and neglect towards her. At
dinner the maids, with whom I dined in the kitchen, gave me to understand that
this was my master’s only daughter, who would have a very handsome
fortune, on account of which, and her beauty, a great many young gentlemen made
their addresses to her—that she had been twice on the brink of marriage,
but disappointed by the stinginess of her father, who refused to part with a
shilling to promote the match; for which reason the young lady did not behave
to her father with all the filial veneration that might be expected. In
particular she harboured the most perfect hatred for his countrymen; in which
disposition she resembled her mother, who was an English-woman; and, by the
hints they dropped, I learned the gray mare was the better horse—that she
was a matron of a high spirit, which was often manifested at the expense of her
dependents; that she loved diversions, and looked upon miss as her rival in all
parties—which was indeed the true cause of her disappointments; for had
the mother been hearty in her interest, the father would not have ventured to
refuse her demands. Over and above this intelligence, I, of myself, soon made
more discoveries. Mr. Lavement’s significant grins at his wife, while she
looked another way, convinced me that he was not at all content with his lot;
and his behaviour in presence of the captain made me believe his chief torment
was jealousy. As for my own part, I was considered in no other light than that
of a menial servant, and had been already six days in the house without being
honoured with one word from either mother or daughter; the latter (as I
understood from the maids) having at table one day expressed some surprise that
her papa should entertain such an awkward mean-looking journeyman. I was
nettled at this piece of information, and next Sunday (it being my turn to take
my diversion) dressed myself in my new clothes to the greatest advantage, and,
vanity apart, made no contemptible figure.

After having spent most part of the day in company with Strap and some of his
acquaintance, I came home in the afternoon, and was let in by miss, who not
knowing me, dropped a low curtsey as I advanced, which I returned with a
profound bow, and shut the door. By the time I had turned about, she had
perceived her mistake, and changed colour, but did not withdraw. The passage
being narrow, I could not get away without jolting her; so I was forced to
remain where I was with my eyes fixed to the ground, and my face glowing with
blushes. At length, her vanity coming to her assistance, she went away
tittering, and I could hear her pronounce the word ‘creature!’ From
this day forward, she came into the shop fifty times, every day upon various
pretences, and put in practice so many ridiculous airs, that I could easily
perceive her opinion of me was changed, and that she did not think me
altogether an unworthy conquest. But my heart was so steeled against her charms
by pride and resentment, which were two chief ingredients in my disposition,
that I remained insensible to all her arts; and notwithstanding some advances
she made, could not be prevailed upon to yield her the least attention. This
neglect soon banished all the favourable impressions she felt for me, and the
rage of a slighted woman took place in her heart; this she manifested not only
in all the suggestions her malice could invent to my prejudice with her father,
but also in procuring for me such servile employments as she hoped would
sufficiently humble my spirit. One day in particular, she ordered me to brush
my master’s coat; but I refusing, a smart dialogue ensued, which ended in
her bursting into tears of rage; when her mother interposing, and examining
into the merits of the cause, determined it in my favour: and this good office
I owed not to any esteem or consideration she had for me, but solely to the
desire of mortifying her daughter, who on this occasion observed, that let
people be never so much in the right, there were some folks who would never do
them justice, but, to be sure, they had their reasons for it, which some people
were ignorant of, although they despised their little arts. This insinuation of
some people and some folks put me upon observing the behaviour of my mistress
more narrowly for the future: and it was not long before I had reason to
believe that she looked upon her daughter as a rival in the affections of
Captain O’Donnell, who lodged in the house.

In the meantime, my industry and knowledge gained me the goodwill of my master,
who would often say in French, “Mardy! c’est un bon garçon.”
He had a great deal of business; but he was mostly employed among his fellow
refugees, his profits were small. However, his expense for medicines was not
great; for he was the most expert man at a succedaneum of any apothecary in
London, so that I have been sometimes amazed to see him, without the least
hesitation, make up a physician’s prescription, though he had not in his
shop one medicine mentioned in it. Oyster-shells he could convert into
crab’s eyes; common oil into oil of sweet almonds; syrup of sugar into
balsamic syrup; Thames water into aqua cinnamoni; and a hundred more costly
preparations were produced in an instant, from the cheapest and coarsest drugs
of the materia medica: and when any common thing was ordered for a patient, he
always took care to disguise it in colour or taste, or both, in such a manner
that it could not possibly be known; for which purpose cochineal and oil of
cloves were of great service. Mr. Lavement had attempted more than once to
introduce a vegetable diet into his family, by launching out into the praise of
roots and greens, and decrying the use of flesh, both as a physician and
philosopher; but all his rhetoric could not make one proselyte to his opinion,
and even the wife of his bosom declared against the proposal.

One afternoon, when her husband was abroad, and his daughter gone to visit,
this lady ordered me to call a hackney-coach, in which she and the captain
drove towards Covent Garden. Miss came home in the evening, and, supping at her
usual hour, went to bed. About eleven o’clock my master entered, and
asked if his wife was gone to sleep: upon which I told him, my mistress went
out in the afternoon, and was not yet returned. This was like a clap of thunder
to the poor apothecary, who starting back, cried, “Mort de ma vie! vat
you tell a me? My vife not at home!” At that instant a patient’s
servant arrived with a prescription for a draught, which my master taking, went
into the shop to make it up with his own hand. While he rubbed the ingredients
in a glass mortar, he inquired of me, whether or no his wife went out alone;
and no sooner heard that she was in company with the captain, than with one
blow he split the mortar into a thousand pieces, and grinning like the head of
a bass viol, exclaimed, “Ah, traitresse!” It would have been
impossible for me to have preserved my gravity a minute longer, when I was
happily relieved by a rap at the door, which I opened, and perceived my
mistress coming out of the coach. She flounced immediately into the shop, and
addressed her husband thus: “I suppose you thought I was lost, my dear.
Captain O’Donnell has been so good as to treat me with a play.” The
reply, it may be supposed, was anything but courteous but the captain, who had
been all the time at the door discharging the coach, entered, and Mr. Lavement,
changing his tone, saluted him with all the usual politesse of a Frenchman.

Shortly after this event, by the knowledge which I acquired of the family
secrets, my life became much more agreeable; and as I every day improved in my
knowledge of the town I shook off my awkward air by degrees, and acquired the
character of a polite journeyman apothecary.

CHAPTER XX

I am assaulted and dangerously wounded—suspect O’Donnell, and am
confirmed in my opinion—concert a scheme of revenge, and put it into
execution—O’Donnell robs his own servant and disappears—make
my addresses to a lady, and am miraculously delivered from her snare

One night, at about twelve o’clock, as I returned from visiting a patient
at Chelsea, I received a blow on my head from an unseen hand, that stretched me
senseless on the ground; and was left for dead with three stabs of a sword in
my body. The groans I uttered when I recovered the use of my reason alarmed the
people of a solitary alehouse that stood near the spot where I lay: and they
were humane enough to take me in, and send for a surgeon, who dressed my
wounds, and assured me they were not mortal. One of them penetrated through the
skin and muscles of one side of my belly in such a manner, that doubtless the
assassin imagined he had run me through the entrails. The second slanted along
one of my ribs; and the last, which was intended for the finishing stroke,
having been directed to my heart, the sword snapped upon my breast-bone, and
the point remained sticking in the skin. When I reflected upon this event, I
could not persuade myself that I had been assaulted by a common footpad,
because it is not usual for such people to murder though they rob, especially
when they meet with no resistance; and I found my money, and everything else
about me but my carcase, safe. I concluded, therefore, that I must either have
been mistaken for another, or obliged to the private resentment of some secret
enemy for what had happened; and as I could remember nobody who had the least
cause of complaint against me, except Captain O’Donnell and my
master’s daughter, my suspicion settled upon them, though I took care to
conceal it, that I might the sooner arrive at confirmation.

With this view, I went home in the chair about ten o’clock in the
morning; and as the chairman supported me into the house, met the captain in
the passage, who no sooner saw me than he started back and gave evident signs
of guilty confusion, which he would have accounted for from surprise occasioned
by the seeing me in such a condition. My master having heard my story, condoled
me with a good deal of sympathy, and when he understood my wounds were not
dangerous, ordered me to be carried upstairs to bed; though not without some
opposition from his wife, who was of opinion that it would be better for me to
go to an hospital, where I should be more carefully attended. My meditation was
employed in concerting with myself some method of revenge against Squire
O’Donnell and his inamorata, whom I looked upon as the author of my
misfortune; when miss, who was not at home at my arrival, entered my chamber,
and saying she was sorry for the accident that had befallen me, asked if I
suspected anybody to be the assassin; upon which I fixed my eyes steadfastly
upon her and answered, “Yes.” She discovered no symptom of
confusion, but replied hastily, “If that be the case, why don’t you
take out a warrant, to have him apprehended? It will cost but a trifle—if
you have no money, I’ll lend you.” This frankness not only cured me
of my suspicion with respect to her, but even staggered my belief with regard
to the captain, of whose guilt I resolved to have further proof before I should
enterprise anything in the way of revenge. I thanked her kindly for her
generous offer, which, however, I had no occasion to accept, being determined
to do nothing rashly: for though I could plainly perceive the person who
attacked me to be a soldier, whose face I thought was familiar to me, I could
not swear with a safe conscience to any particular man; and, granting I could,
my prosecution of him would not much avail.

This uncertainty I pretended, lest the captain, hearing from her that I knew
the person who wounded me, might think proper to withdraw before I could be in
a condition to requite him. In two days I was up and able to do a little
business, so that Mr. Lavement made shift to carry on his practice without
hiring another journeyman in my room.

The first thing I attempted towards a certain discovery of my secret enemy, was
to get into O’Donnell’s apartment, while he was abroad in an
undress, and examine his sword, the point of which being broken off, I applied
the fragment that was found sticking in my body, and found it answered the
fractured part exactly. There was no room left for doubt; and all that remained
was to fix upon a scheme of revenge, which almost solely engrossed my thoughts
during the space of eight nights and days. Sometimes I was tempted to fall upon
him in the same manner as he had practised upon me, and kill him outright. But
this assault my honour opposed as a piece of barbarous cowardice, in which he
was not to be imitated. At other times I entertained thoughts of demanding
satisfaction in an honourable way; but was diverted from this undertaking by
considering the uncertainty of the event, and the nature of the injury he had
done me, which did not entitle him to such easy terms. At last I determined to
pursue a middle course, and actually put my design in execution after this
manner. Having secured the assistance of Strap and two of his acquaintance whom
he could depend upon, we provided ourselves with disguises, and I caused the
following letter to be delivered to him by one of our associates in livery, one
Sunday evening:—

“Sir—If I may be allowed to judge from appearance, it will not be
disagreeable for you to hear that my husband is gone to Bagshot to visit a
patient, and will not return till to-morrow night; so that, if you have
anything to propose to me (as your behaviour on many occasions has seemed to
insinuate), you will do well to embrace the present opportunity of seeing,

Yours, etc.”

This letter was signed with the name of an apothecary’s wife who lived in
Chelsea, of whom I had heard O’Donnell was an admirer. Everything
succeeded to our wish. The hero hastened towards the place of appointment, and
was encountered by us in the very place where he had assaulted me. We rushed
upon him all at once, secured his sword, stripped off his clothes even to the
skin, which was scourged with nettles till he was blistered from head to foot,
notwithstanding all the eloquence of his tears and supplications. When I was
satisfied with the stripes I had bestowed, we carried off his clothes, which we
hid in a hedge near the place, and left him stark naked to find his way home in
the best manner he could, while I took care to be there before him. I
afterwards understood that, in his way to the lodgings of a friend, who lived
in the skirts of the town, he was picked up by the watch, who carried him to
the round-house, from whence he sent for clothes to his lodgings, and next
morning arrived at the door in a chair, wrapt up in a blanket he had borrowed;
for his body was so sore and swelled, that he could not bear to be confined in
his wearing apparel. He was treated with the utmost tenderness by my mistress
and her daughter, who vied with each other in their care and attendance of him;
but Lavement himself could not forbear expressing his joy, by several malicious
grins, while he ordered me to prepare an unguent for his sores. As to myself,
nobody can doubt my gratification, when I had every day an opportunity of
seeing my revenge protracted on the body of my adversary, by the ulcers of
which I had been the cause; and, indeed, I not only enjoyed the satisfaction of
having flea’d him alive, but another also which I had not foreseen. The
story of his being attacked and stripped in such a place having been inserted
in the news, gave information to those who found his clothes next day, whither
to bring them; and accordingly he retrieved everything he had lost except a few
letters, among which was that which I had writ to him in the name of the
apothecary’s wife. This, and the others, which were all on the subject of
love (for this Hibernian hero was one of those people who are called
fortune-hunters), fell into the hands of a certain female author, famous for
the scandal she has published; who, after having embellished them with some
ornaments of her own invention, gave them to the to town in print. I was very
much shocked on reflection, that I might possibly be the occasion of a whole
family’s unhappiness on account of the letter I had written; but was
eased of that apprehension, when I understood that the Chelsea apothecary had
commenced a lawsuit against the printer for defamation, and looked upon the
whole as a piece of forgery committed by the author, who had disappeared. But
whatever might be his opinion of the matter, our two ladies seemed to entertain
a different idea of it: for as soon as the pamphlet appeared, I could perceive
their care of their patient considerably diminish, till at last it ended in a
total neglect. It was impossible for him to be ignorant of this change, any
more than of the occasion of it; but as he was conscious to himself of having
deserved worse than contempt at their hands, he was glad to come off so
cheaply, and contented himself with muttering curses and threats against the
apothecary, who, as he imagined, having got an inkling of the appointment with
his wife, had taken revenge of him in the manner described. By the time he had
got a new scarf skin his character was become so notorious, that he thought it
high time for him to decamp; and his retreat he performed in one night, without
beat of drum, after having robbed his own servant of everything that belonged
to him except the clothes he had on his back.

A few days after he disappeared, Mr. Lavement, for his own security, took into
his custody a large old trunk which he had left; and as it was very heavy, made
no question that the contents were sufficient to indemnify him for what
O’Donnell owed in lodging. But a month being elapsed without hearing any
tidings of this adventurer, and my master being impatient to know what the
trunk contained, he ordered me to break it open in his presence, which task I
performed with the pestle of our great mortar, and discovered, to his
inexpressible astonishment and mortification, a heap of stones.

About this time, my friend Strap informed me of an offer he had to go abroad
with a gentleman in quality of valet de chambre and at the same time assured me
that, whatever advantage he might propose to himself from this prospect, he
could not bear the thoughts of parting from me, so much was he attached to my
fortune. In spite of all the obligations I owed to this poor, honest fellow,
ingratitude is so natural to the heart of man, that I began to be tired of his
acquaintance: and now that I had contracted other friendships which appeared
more creditable, was even ashamed to see a journeyman barber inquiring after me
with the familiarity of a companion. I therefore, on pretence of consulting his
welfare, insisted upon his accepting the proposal, which he at last determined
to embrace, with great reluctance, and in a few days, took his leave of me,
shedding a flood of tears, which I could not behold without emotion. I now
began to look upon me as of a gentleman in reality; learned to dance,
frequented plays during the holidays; became the oracle of an ale-house, where
every dispute was referred to my decision; and at length contracted an
acquaintance with a young lady, who found means to make a conquest of my heart,
and upon whom I prevailed, after much attendance and solicitation, to give me a
promise of marriage. As this beautiful creature passed for a rich heiress, I
blessed my good fortune, and was actually on the point of crowning all my
wishes by matrimony, when I made such a discovery as effectually turned me from
my design, and I abandoned all thoughts of marriage for the future.

CHAPTER XXI

Squire Gawky comes to lodge with my master—is involved in a troublesome
affair, out of which he is extricated by me—he marries my master’s
daughter—they conspire against me—I am found guilty of theft,
discharged—deserted by my friends, I hire a room in St.
Gile’s—where, by accident, I find the lady to whom I paid my
addresses in a miserable condition—I relieve her

When I enjoyed myself at large in this temper of mind, Lavement let his first
floor to my countryman and acquaintance, Squire Gawky, who by this time had got
a lieutenancy in the army, and such a martial ferocity in his appearance that I
was afraid he would remember what happened between us in Scotland, and atone
for his breach of appointment then by his punctuality now; but whether he had
actually forgot me, or was willing to make me believe so, he betrayed not the
least symptom of recognition at sight of me, and I remained quite cured of my
apprehension; though I had occasion not long after to be convinced, that
howsoever his externals might be altered, he was at bottom the same individual
Gawky, whom I have already described. For coming home late one night from the
house of a patient, I heard a noise in the street, and as I approached,
perceived two gentlemen in custody, of three watchmen. The prisoners, who were
miserable, disfigured with dirt, complained bitterly of the loss of their hats
and wigs; and one of them, whom by his tongue I know to be a Scotchman,
lamented most piteously, offering a guinea for his liberty, which the watchman
refused, alleging that one of his companions was wounded grievously, and that
he must stand to the consequence. My prejudice in favour of my native country
was so strong, that I could not bear to see anybody belonging to it in
distress, and therefore, with one blow of my faithful cudgel, knocked down the
watchman who had hold of the person for whom I was chiefly concerned. He was no
sooner disengaged, than he betook himself to his heels, and left me to maintain
the dispute as I should think proper; and, indeed, I came off but scurvily,
for, before I could avail myself of my speed, I received a blow on the eye,
from one of the other two, that had well nigh deprived me of the use of that
organ. However, I made shift to get home, where I was informed of Captain
Gawky’s being robbed and abused by a company of footpads, and was ordered
by my master to prepare an emollient glyster and paregoric draught, in order to
allay and compose the ferment of his spirits, occasioned by the barbarous
treatment he had undergone, while he took twelve ounces of blood from him
immediately.

When I inquired into the particulars of this adventure, and understood by the
servant that he came in just before me, without hat and wig, I made no scruple
of believing him to be the person I had released, and was confirmed in my
belief upon hearing his voice, to which (before that event) I had long been a
stranger.

My eye being considerably swelled and inflamed, I could not reflect upon my
enterprise without cursing my own folly, and even resolving to declare the
truth of the whole story in order to be revenged on the cowardly wretch for
whom I had suffered: accordingly, next day after he had told, in presence of my
master, his wife and daughter, who came to him, a thousand lies concerning the
prowess he had shown in making his escape, I ventured to explain the mystery,
and, calling in the evidence of my contused eye, upbraided him with cowardice
and ingratitude. Gawky was so astonished at this that he could not answer one
word, and the rest of the company stared at one another; till at length my
mistress reprimanded me for my insolent behaviour, and threatened to turn me
away for my presumption. Upon which, Gawky (having recollected himself)
observed, as the young man might have mistaken another person for him, he could
forgive his insinuations, more especially as he seemed to have suffered for his
incivility; but advised me to be more certain in my conjectures for the future,
before I ventured to publish them to the prejudice of any man. Miss applauded
the Captain’s generosity in pardoning one who had so villainously
aspersed him, and I began to imagine her praise was not at all disinterested.
But the apothecary, who perhaps had more penetration or less partiality than
his wife and daughter, differed from them in their sentiments of the matter,
and expressed himself to me in the shop in this manner: “Ah mon pauvre
Roderique! you have more of de veracite dan of de prudence—bot mine vife
and dater be diablement sage, and Monsieur le Capitaine un fanfaron,
pardieu!”

This eulogium on his wife and daughter, though spoken ironically by him, was
nevertheless literally just; by espousing the cause of Gawky, the one obliged a
valuable lodger, and the other acquired a husband at a juncture when one was
absolutely necessary. The young lady insinuated herself so artfully into the
affection of this new lodger, that in less than a fortnight, on pretence of
going to the play, they drove away together to the Fleet, where they were
married; and in the morning came home, where they asked her father’s and
mother’s blessing. The prudent parents, notwithstanding the precipitation
with which the match was carried on, did not think fit to refuse their
approbation; for the apothecary was not ill pleased to find his daughter
married to a young man of a good prospect, who had not mentioned one syllable
on the article of her dowry; and his wife was rejoiced at being rid of a rival
and a spy upon her. Whatever face Gawky put on the matter, my discovery of the
adventure before related, and the reproaches I vented against him, had stung
him to the soul, and cherished the seeds of enmity so strongly in his breast,
that he imparted his indignation to his wife, who being as desirous as himself
to accomplish the ruin of one that not only slighted her caresses, but was able
on any occasion to discover particulars not at all advantageous to her
character, readily joined in a conspiracy against me, which (had it taken
effect as they expected) would infallibly have brought me to an ignominious
death.

My master having several times missed large quantities of medicines, of which I
could give no account, at last lost all patience, and in plain terms taxed me
with having embezzled them for my own use. As I could only oppose my single
asseveration to his suspicion, he told me one day, “Your vord not be give
me de satisfaction—me find necessaire to chercher for my medicine;
pardonnez moi—il faut chercher—me demand le clef of your coffre a
cette heure.” Then raising his voice to conceal the fright he was in lest
I should make any opposition, he went on, “Oui! I charge you rendez le
clef of your coffre—moi—si, moi qui vous parle.” I was fired
with so much resentment and disdain at this accusation, that I burst into
tears, which he took for a sign of guilt; and pulling out my key, told him he
might satisfy himself immediately, though he would not find it so easy to
satisfy me for the injury my reputation had suffered from his unjust suspicion.
He took the key and mounted up to my chamber, attended by the whole family,
saying, “Eh bien, nous verrons—nous verrons.” But what was my
horror and amazement, when, opening my chest, he pulled out a handful of the
very things that were missing, and pronounced, “Ah, ha, vous etes
bienvenu—mardy, Mons. Roderique, you be fort innocent!” I had not
power to utter one word in my own vindication, but stood motionless and silent,
while everybody present made their respective remarks on what appeared against
me. The servants said they were sorry for my misfortune, and went away
repeating, “Who would have thought it?” My mistress took occasion
from this detection to rail against the practice of employing strangers in
general; and Mrs. Gawky, after having observed that she never had a good
opinion of my fidelity, proposed to have me carried before the justice and
committed to Newgate immediately. Her husband was actually upon the stairs in
his way for a constable, when Mr. Lavement knowing the cost and trouble of a
prosecution to which he must bind himself, and at the same time dreading lest
some particulars of my confession might affect his practice, called out.
“Restez, mon fils! restez, it be veritablement one grand crime which dis
pauvre diable have committed—bot peut-etre de good God give him de
penitence, and me vill not have upon mine head de blood of one sinner.”
The captain and his lady used all the Christian arguments their zeal could
suggest to prevail upon the apothecary to pursue me to destruction, and
represented the injustice he did to the community of which he was a member, in
letting a villain escape, who would not fail of doing more mischief in the
world when he should reflect on his coming off so easily now; but their
eloquence made no impression on my master, who turning to me said, “Go,
miserable, go from mine house quick, quick!—and make reparation for your
mauvaise actions.” By this time my indignation had roused me from the
stupefaction in which I had hitherto remained and I began in this
manner:—“Sir, appearances I own condemn me; but you are imposed
upon as much as I am abused: I have fallen a sacrifice to the rancour of that
scoundrel” (pointing to Gawky) “who has found means to convey your
goods hither, that the detection of them might blast my reputation, and
accomplish my destruction. His hatred to me is owing to a consciousness of his
having wronged me in my own country—for which injury he in a cowardly
manner, refused me the satisfaction of a gentleman; he knows, moreover, that I
am no stranger to his dastardly behaviour in this town, which I have recounted
before, and he is unwilling that such a testimony of his ingratitude and
pusillanimity should live upon the earth; for this reason he is guilty of the
most infernal malice to bring about my ruin. And I am afraid, madam (turning to
Mrs. Gawky) you have too easily entered into the sentiments of your husband. I
have often found you my enemy, and am well acquainted with the occasion of your
being so, which I don’t at present think proper to declare; but I would
advise you, for your own sake, not to drive me to extremity.” This
address enraged her so much that with a face as red us scarlet and the eyes of
a fury, she strutted up to me and putting her hands in her side, spat in my
face, saying, I was a scandalous villain, but she defied my malice; and that
unless her papa would not prosecute me like a thief as I was, she would not
stay another night under his roof. At the same time, Gawky assuming a big look,
told me, he scorned what lies I could invent against him; but that, if I
pretended to asperse his wife, he would put me to death. To this threat I
answered, “I wish I could meet with thee in a desert, that I might have
an opportunity of punishing thee for thy perfidy towards me, and rid the world
of such a rascal. What hinders me this moment,” said I, seizing an old
bottle that stood by, “from doing myself that justice?” I had no
sooner armed myself in this manner, than Gawky and his father-in-law retired in
such a hurry, that the one overturned the other, and they rolled together down
stairs, while my mistress swooned away with fear, and her daughter asked if I
intended to murder her. I gave her to understand, that nothing was farther from
my intention, that I would leave her to the stings of her own conscience; but
was firmly resolved to slit her husband’s nose, whenever fortune should
offer a convenient opportunity. Then going down stairs, I met Lavement coming
up trembling with the pestle in his hand, and Gawky behind armed with his
sword, pushing him forward. I demanded a parley: and having assured him of my
pacific disposition, Gawky exclaimed, “Ah, villain! you have killed my
dear wife.” And the apothecary cried, “Ah, coquin! vere is my
shild?” “The lady,” said I, “is above stairs, unhurt by
me, and will, a few months hence, I believe reward your concern.” Here
she called to them, and desired they would let the wretch go, and trouble
themselves no further about him. To which request her father consented,
observing, nevertheless, that my conversation was ‘very
mysterious.’

Finding it impossible to vindicate my innocence, I left the house immediately,
and went to the schoolmaster, with an intention of clearing myself to him, and
asking his advice with regard to my future conduct; but, to my inexpressible
vexation, he was gone to the country, where he would stay two or three days. I
returned with a design of consulting some acquaintance I had acquired in the
neighbourhood; but my story had taken air through the officiousness of the
servants, and not one of my friends would vouchsafe me a hearing. Thus I found
myself, by the iniquity of mankind, in a much more deplorable condition than
ever: for though I had been formerly as poor, my reputation was without
blemish, and my health unimpaired till now; but at present my good name was
lost, my money gone, my friends were alienated, my body was infected by an
odious distemper; and my faithful Strap, who alone could yield me pity and
assistance, absent I knew not where.

The first resolution I could take in this melancholy conjuncture, was to remove
my clothes to the house of the person with whom I had formerly lodged, where I
remained two days in hopes of getting another place by the interest of Mr.
Concordance, to whom I made no doubt of being able to vindicate my character;
but in this supposition I reckoned without my best, for Lavement took care to
be beforehand with me; and when I attempted to explain the whole affair to the
schoolmaster, I found him so prepossessed against me, that he would scarce hear
me to an end; but when I had finished my justification, shook his head, and
beginning with his usual exclamation said, “That won’t go down with
me. I am very sorry I should have the misfortune of being concerned in the
affair, but, however, shall be more cautious for the future. I will trust no
man from henceforward—no, not my father who begat me, nor the brother who
lay with me in my mother’s womb: should Daniel rise from the dead, I
would think him an impostor; and were the genius of truth to appear, would
question its veracity!” I told him, that one day it was possible he might
be convinced of the injury I had suffered, and repent of his premature
determination. To which remark he answered, the proof of my innocence would
make his bowels vibrate with joy; “but till that shall happen,”
continued he, “I must beg to have no manner of connection with
you—my reputation is at stake. I shall be looked upon as your accomplice
and abettor—people will say Jonathan Wild was but a type of me—boys
will hoot at me as I pass along; and the cinder-wenches belch forth reproaches
wafted in a gale impregnated with gin: I shall be notorious—the very butt
of slander, and sink of infamy!” I was not in a humour to relish the
climax of expressions upon which this gentleman valued himself in all his
discourses; but, without any ceremony, took my leave, cursed with every
sentiment of horror which my situation could suggest. I considered, however, in
the intervals of my despondence, that I must, in some shape suit my expense to
my calamitous circumstances, and with that view hired an apartment in a garret
near St. Giles’s, at the rate of nine-pence per week.

I one day, when I sat in this solitary retreat musing upon the unhappiness of
my fate, was alarmed by a groan that issued from a chamber contiguous to mine,
into which I immediately ran, and found a woman stretched on a miserable
truckle bed, without any visible signs of life. Having applied a smelling
bottle to her nose, the blood began to revisit her cheeks, and she opened her
eyes; but, good heaven! what were the emotions of my soul, when I discovered
her to be the same individual lady who had triumphed over my heart, and to
whose fate I had almost been inseparably joined! Her deplorable situation
filled my breast with compassion. She knew me immediately; and, straining me
gently in her arms, shed a torrent of tears, which I could not help increasing.
At length, casting a languishing look at me, she pronounced with a feeble
voice, “Dear Mr. Random, I do not deserve this concern at your hands: I
am a vile creature, who had a base design upon your person—suffer me, to
expiate that, and all my other crimes, by a miserable death, which will not
fail to overtake me in a few hours.” I encouraged her as much as I could,
told her I forgave all her intentions with regard to me; and that, although my
circumstances were extremely low, I would share my last farthing with her. I
begged in the meantime to know the immediate cause of that fit from which she
had just recovered, and said, I would endeavour by my skill to prevent any more
such attacks. She seemed very much affected with this expression, took my hand,
and pressed it to her lips, saying, “You are too generous! I wish I could
live to express my gratitude—but alas! I perish for want.” Then
shutting her eyes, she relapsed into another swoon. Such extremity of distress
must have waked the most obdurate heart to sympathy and compassion; what effect
then must it have had on mine, that was naturally prone to every tender
passion? I ran downstairs, and sent my landlady to a chemist’s shop for
some cinnamon water, while I, returning to this unfortunate creature’s
chamber, used all the means in my power to bring her to herself; this aim with
much difficulty I accomplished, and made her drink a glass of the cordial to
recruit her spirits: then I prepared a little mulled red wine and a toast,
which having taken, she found herself thoroughly revived, and informed me, that
she had not tasted food for eight and forty hours before. As I was impatient to
know the occasion and nature of her calamity, she gave me to understand, that
she was a woman of the town by profession; that in the course of her adventures
she found herself dangerously infected with a distemper, to which all of her
class are particularly subject; that her malady gaining ground every day, she
became loathsome to herself and offensive to others: when she resolved to
retire to some obscure corner where she might be cured with as little noise and
expense as possible; that she had accordingly chosen this place of retreat, and
put herself into the hands of an advertising doctor, who having fleeced her of
all the money she had, or could procure, left her three days ago in a worse
condition than that in which he found her; that except the clothes on her back,
she had pawned or sold everything that belonged to her to satisfy that
rapacious quack, and quiet the clamour of her landlady, who still persisted in
her threats to turn her out into the street. After having moralised upon these
particulars, I proposed that she should lodge in the same room with me, an
expedient that would save some money: and assured her, I would undertake to
cure her as well as my own, during which she should partake of all the
conveniences that I could afford to myself. She embraced my offer with
unfeigned acknowledgment, and I began to put it in practice immediately. I
found her not only an agreeable companion, whose conversation greatly
alleviated my chagrin, but also a careful nurse, who served me with the utmost
fidelity and affection. One day, while I testified my surprise that a woman of
her beauty, good sense, and education (for she had a large portion of each),
could be reduced to such an infamous and miserable way of life, she answered
with a sigh, “These very advantages were the cause of my undoing.”
This remarkable reply inflamed my curiosity to such a degree, that I begged she
would favour me with the particulars of her story, and she complied in these
words.

CHAPTER XXII

The History of Miss Williams

‘My father was an eminent merchant in the city who having, in the course
of trade, suffered very considerable losses, retired in his old age with his
wife to a small estate in the country, which he had purchased with the remains
of his fortune. At that time, I being but eight years of age, was left in town
for the convenience of education, boarded with an aunt, who was a rigid
presbyterian, and confined me so closely to what she called the duties of
religion, that in time I grew weary of her doctrines, and by degrees received
an aversion for the good books, she daily recommended to my perusal. As I
increased in age, and appeared with a person not disagreeable, I contracted a
good deal of acquaintance among my own sex; one of whom, after having lamented
the restraint I was under from the narrowness of my aunt’s sentiments,
told me I must now throw off the prejudices of opinion imbibed under her
influence and example, and learn to think for myself; for which purpose she
advised me to read Shaftsbury, Tindal, Hobbes, and all the authors that are
remarkable for their deviation from the old way of thinking, and by comparing
one with the other, I should soon be able to form a system of my own. I
followed her advice; and whether it was owing to my prepossession against what
I had formerly read, or the clearness of argument in these my new instructors,
I know not; but I studied them with pleasure, and in a short time became a
professed freethinker. Proud of my improvement, I argued in all companies, and
that with such success, that I soon acquired the reputation of a philosopher,
and few people durst undertake me in a dispute. I grew vain upon my good
fortune, and at length pretended to make my aunt a proselyte to my opinion; but
she no sooner perceived my drift than, taking the alarm, she wrote to my father
an account of my heresy, and conjured him, as he tendered the good of my soul,
to remove me immediately from the dangerous place where I had contracted such
sinful principles. Accordingly, my father ordered me into the country, where I
arrived in the fifteenth year of my age, and, by his command gave him a detail
of all the articles of my faith, which he did not find so unreasonable as they
had been represented. Finding myself suddenly deprived of the company and
pleasures of the town, I grew melancholy and it was some time before I could
relish my situation. But solitude became every day more and more familiar to me
and I consoled myself in my retreat with the enjoyment of a good library, at
such times as were not employed in the management of the family (for my mother
had been dead three years), in visiting, or some other party of rural
diversion. Having more imagination than judgment, I addicted myself too much to
poetry and romance; and, in short, was looked upon as a very extraordinary
person by everybody in the country where I resided.

‘I had one evening strayed, with a book in my hand, into a wood that
bordered on the high road, at a little distance from my father’s house,
when a certain drunken squire, riding by, perceived me, and crying,
“Holloa, there’s a charming creature!” alighted in a moment,
caught me in his arms, and treated me so rudely that I shrieked as loud as I
could, and in the meantime opposed his violence with all the strength that rage
and resentment could inspire. During this struggle, another horseman came up,
who, seeing a lady so unworthily used, dismounted, and flew to my assistance.
The squire, mad with disappointment, or provoked with the reproaches of the
other gentleman, quitted me, and running to his horse, drew a pistol from the
saddle, and fired it at my protector, who happily receiving no damage, went up,
and, with the butt-end of his whip laid him prostrate on the ground before he
could use the other, which his antagonist immediately seized, and, clapping to
the squire’s breast, threatened to put him to death for his cowardice and
treachery. In this dilemma I interposed and begged his life, which was granted
to my request, after he had asked pardon, and swore his intention was only to
obtain a kiss. However, my defender thought proper to unload the other pistol,
and throw away the flints, before he gave him his liberty. This courteous
stranger conducted me home, where my father having learned the signal service
he had done me, loaded him with caresses, and insisted on his lodging that
night at our house. If the obligation he had conferred upon me justly inspired
me with sentiments of gratitude, his appearance and conversation seemed to
entitle him to somewhat more. He was about the age of two-and-twenty, among the
tallest of the middle size; had chestnut-coloured hair, which he wore tied up
in a ribbon; a high polished forehead, a nose inclining to the aquiline, lively
blue eyes, red pouting lips, teeth as white as snow, and a certain openness of
countenance—but why need I describe any more particulars of his person? I
hope you will do me the justice to believe I do not flatter, when I say he was
the exact resemblance of you; and if I had not been well acquainted with his
family and degree, I should have made no scruple of concluding that you was his
brother. He spoke and seemed to have no reserve: for what he said was
ingenuous, sensible, and uncommon. “In short,” said she, bursting
into tears, “he was formed for the ruin of our sex. His behaviour was
modest and respectful, but his looks were so significant, that I could easily
observe he secretly blessed the occasion that introduced him to my
acquaintance. We learned from his discourse that he was the eldest son of a
wealthy gentleman in the neighbourhood, to whose name we were no
strangers—that he had been to visit an acquaintance in the country, from
whose house he was returning home, when my shrieks brought him to my
rescue.”

‘All night long my imagination formed a thousand ridiculous expectations:
there was so much of knight-errantry in this gentleman’s coming to the
relief of a damsel in distress, with whom he immediately became enamoured, that
all I had read of love and chivalry recurred to my fancy; and I looked upon
myself as a princess in some region of romance, who being delivered from the
power of some brutal giant or satyr, by a generous Oroondates, was bound in
gratitude, as well as led by inclination, to yield up my affections to him
without reserve. In vain did I endeavour to chastise these foolish conceits by
reflections more reasonable and severe: the amusing images took full possession
of my mind, and my dreams represented my hero sighing at my feet, in the
language of a despairing lover. Next morning after breakfast he took his leave,
when my father begged the favour of further acquaintance with him; to which
request he replied by a compliment to him, and a look to me so full of
eloquence and tenderness, that my whole soul received the soft impression. In a
short time he repeated his visit; and as a recital of the particular steps he
pursued to ruin me would be tedious and impertinent, let it suffice to say, he
made it his business to insinuate himself into my esteem, by convincing me of
his own good sense, and at the same time flattering my understanding. This task
he performed in the most artful manner, by seeming to contradict me often
through misapprehension, that I might have an opportunity of clearing myself
the more to my own honour. Having thus secured my good opinion, he began to
give me some tokens of a particular passion, founded on a veneration of the
qualities of my mind, and, as an accidental ornament, admired the beauties of
my person; till at being fully persuaded of his conquest, he chose a proper
season for the theme, and disclosed his love in terms so ardent and sincere,
that it was impossible for me to disguise the sentiments of my heart, and he
received my approbation with the most lively transport. After this mutual
declaration, we contrived to meet more frequently in private interviews, where
we enjoyed the conversation of one another, in all the elevation of fancy and
impatience of hope that reciprocal adoration can inspire. He professed his
honourable intentions, of which I made no question; lamented the avaricious
disposition of his father, who had destined him for the arms of another, and
vowed eternal fidelity with such an appearance of candour and
devotion—that I became a dupe to his deceit. Cursed be the day on which I
gave away my innocence and peace! Cursed be my beauty that first attracted the
attention of the seducer! Cursed be my education, that, by refining my
sentiments, made my heart the more susceptible! Cursed be my good sense, that
fixed me to one object, and taught me the preference I enjoyed was but my due!
Had I been ugly, nobody would have tempted me; had I been ignorant, the charms
of my person would not have atoned for the coarseness of my conversation; had I
been giddy, my vanity would have divided my inclinations, and my ideas would
have been so diffused, that I should never have listened to the enchantments of
one alone.

‘But to return to my unfortunate story. After some months, the visits of
my lover became less frequent, and his behaviour less warm: I perceived his
coldness, my heart took the alarm, my tears reproached him, and I insisted upon
the performance of his promise to espouse me, that, whatever should happen, my
reputation might be safe. He seemed to acquiesce in my proposal, and left me on
pretence of finding a proper clergyman to unite us in the bands of wedlock. But
alas! the inconstant had no intention to return. I waited a whole week with the
utmost impatience; sometimes doubting his honour, at other times inventing
excuses for him, and condemning myself for harbouring suspicions of his faith.
At length I understood from a gentleman who dined at our house, that this
perfidious wretch was on the point of setting out for London with his bride, to
buy clothes for their approaching nuptials. This information distracted me!
Rage took possession of my soul; I denounced a thousand imprecations, and
formed as many schemes of revenge against the traitor who had undone me. Then
my resentment would subside to silent sorrow. I recalled the tranquillity I
lost, I wept over my infatuation, and sometimes a ray of hope would intervene,
and for a moment cheer my drooping heart; I would revolve all the favourable
circumstances of his character, repeat the vows he made, ascribe his absence to
the vigilance of a suspicious father who compelled him to a match his soul
abhorred, and comfort myself with the expectation of seeing him before the
thing should be brought to any terms of agreement. But how vain was my
imagination! That villain left me without remorse, and in a few days the news
of his marriage were spread all over the country. My horror was then
inconceivable; and had not the desire of revenge diverted the resolution, I
should infallibly have put an end to my miserable life. My father observed the
symptoms of my despair: and though I have good reason to believe he guessed the
cause, was at a great deal of pains to seem ignorant of my affliction, while he
endeavoured with parental fondness to alleviate my distress. I saw his concern,
which increased my anguish, and raised my fury against the author of my
calamity to an implacable degree.

‘Having furnished myself with a little money, I made an elopement from
this unhappy parent in the night-time, and about break of day arrived at a
small town, from whence a stage coach set out for London, in which I embarked,
and next day alighted in town; the spirit of revenge having supported me all
the way against every other reflection, My first care was to hire a lodging, in
which I kept myself very retired, assumed a feigned name, that my character and
situation might be better concealed. It was not long before I found out the
house of my lover, whither I immediately repaired in a transport of rage,
determined to act some desperate deed for the satisfaction of my despair,
though the hurry of my spirits would not permit me to concert or resolve upon a
particular plan. When I demanded admission to Lothario (so let me call him), I
was desired to send up my name and business; but this I refused, telling the
porter I had business for his master’s private ear; upon which I was
conducted into a parlour until he should be informed of my request. There I
remained about a quarter of an hour, when a servant entered and told me his
master was engaged with company, and begged to be excused at that time. My
temper could hold out no longer. I pulled out a poniard from my bosom, where I
had concealed it, and rushing out flew up stairs like a fury, exclaiming,
“Where’s this perfidious villain? could I plunge this dagger into
his false heart, I should then die satisfied!” The noise I made alarmed
not only the servants, but the company also, who hearing my threats came
forward to the staircase to see was the matter. I was seized, disarmed, and
withheld by two footmen; and in this situation felt the most exquisite torture
in beholding my undoer approach with his young wife. I could not endure the
sight, was deprived of my senses, and fell into a severe fit, during which I
know not how I was treated; but when I recovered the use of reflection, found
myself on a bed in a paltry apartment, where I was attended by an old woman,
who asked a thousand impertinent questions relating to my condition, and
informed me that my behaviour had thrown the whole family into confusion; that
Lothario affirmed I was mad, and proposed to have me sent to Bedlam; but my
lady persuaded herself there was more in my conduct than he cared should be
known, and had taken to her bed on bare suspicion, having first ordered that I
should be narrowly looked to. I heard all she said without making any other
reply than desiring she would do me the favour to call a chair; but this she
told me could not be done without her master’s consent, which, however,
was easily procured, and I was conveyed to my lodgings in a state of mind that
baffles all description. The agitation of my thoughts produced a fever, which
brought on a miscarriage; and I believe it is well for my conscience that
heaven thus disposed of my burden; for let me own to you with penitence and
horror, if I had brought a living child into the world, my frenzy would have
prompted me to sacrifice the little innocent to my resentment of the
father’s infidelity.

‘After this event my rage abated, and my hate became more deliberate and
calm: when one day my landlady informed me that there was a gentleman below who
desired to see me, he having something of consequence to impart, which he was
sure would contribute to my peace of mind. I was exceedingly alarmed at this
declaration, which I attempted to interpret a thousand ways; and before I came
to any determination he entered my room, with an apology for intruding without
my knowledge or consent. I surveyed him some time, and not being able to
recollect his face, demanded, with a faltering accent, what his business was
with me? Upon which he desired I would give him a particular audience, and he
did not doubt of communicating something that would conduce to my satisfaction
and repose. As I thought myself sufficiently guarded against any violence, I
granted his request, and bade the woman withdraw. The stranger, then advancing,
gave me to understand that he was well acquainted with the particulars of my
story, having been informed of them from Lothario’s own mouth—that
from the time he knew my misfortunes he had entertained a detestation for the
author of them, which had of late been increased and inflamed to a desire of
revenge, by a piece of dishonourable conduct towards him—that hearing of
my melancholy situation, he had come with an intention of offering his
assistance and comfort, and was ready to espouse my quarrel, and forthwith take
vengeance on my seducer, provided I would grant him one consideration, which,
he hoped, I should see no reason to refuse. Had all the artifice of hell been
employed in composing a persuasive, it could not have had a more instantaneous
or favourable effect than this discourse had upon me. I was transported with a
delirium of gloomy joy. The contract was made; he devoted himself to my
revenge, undertook to murder Lothario that very night, and to bring me an
account of his death before morning. Accordingly, about two of the clock, he
was introduced to my chamber, and assured me that my perfidious lover was no
more: that although he was not entitled to such an honourable proceeding, he
had fairly challenged him to the field, where he upbraided him with his
treachery towards me, for whom, he told me, his sword was drawn, and after a
few passes left him weltering in his blood. I was so savaged by my wrongs, that
I delighted in the recital of this adventure, made him repeat the particulars
and feasted my eyes on the blood that remained on his clothes and sword. My
imagination was so engrossed by these ideas, that in my sleep I dreamed
Lothario appeared before me pale, mangled, and bloody, blamed my rashness,
protested his innocence, and pleaded his cause so pathetically, that I was
convinced of his fidelity, and waked in a fit of horror and remorse. I dropped
asleep again, and the same apparition recurred to my fancy. In short, I passed
the night in great misery, and looked upon my avenger with such abhorrence,
that in the morning, perceiving my aversion, he insinuated there was still a
possibility of Lothario’s recovery: it was quite true he left him wounded
on the ground, but not quite dead, and perhaps his hurts might not be mortal.
At these words I started up, bade him fly for intelligence, and if he could not
bring me tidings of Lothario’s safety, at least consult his own, and
never return; for I was resolved to surrender myself to justice, and declare
all I knew of the affair, that, if possible I might expiate my own guilt, by
incurring the rigours of a sincere repentance and ignominious death. He very
coolly represented the unreasonableness of my prejudice against him, who had
done nothing but what his love of me inspired, and honour justified: that now
he had, at the risk of his life, been subservient to my revenge, I was about to
discard him as an infamous agent, occasionally necessary; and that, even if he
should be so lucky as to bring news of Lothario’s safety, it was probable
my former resentment might revive, and I would upbraid him with having failed
in his undertaking. I assured him, that on the contrary, he should be dearer to
me than ever, as I then should be convinced he acted more on the principles of
a man of honour than on those of a mercenary assassin, and scorned to take away
the life of an adversary, how inveterate soever, which fortune had put in his
power. “Well, then madam,” said he, “whatever may have
happened, I shall find it no difficult matter to acquit myself in point of
honour;” and took his leave in order to inquire into the consequences of
his duel. I was now more sensible than ever of the degrees of guilt and misery;
all the affliction I had suffered hitherto was owing to my own credulity and
weakness, and my conscience could only accuse me of venial crimes; but now that
I looked upon myself as a murderer, it is impossible to express the terrors of
my imagination, which was incessantly haunted by the image of the deceased, and
my bosom stung with the most exquisite agonies, of which I saw no end. At
length, Horatio (for so I shall call my new friend) returned, and telling me I
had nothing to fear, delivered into my hands a billet containing these words.

“Madam,
    “As I understand it is of consequence to your peace, I take this
liberty to inform you, that the wounds I received from Horatio are not mortal.
This satisfaction my humanity could not deny, even to a person who has
endeavoured to disturb the repose as well as the life of

“Lothario.”

‘Being well acquainted with this hand, I had no reason to suspect an
imposition in this letter, which I read over and over with a transport of joy,
and caressed Horatio so much that he appeared the happiest man alive. Thus was
I won from despair by the menaces of a greater misfortune than that which
depressed me. Griefs are like usurpers,—the most powerful deposes all the
rest. But my raptures were not lasting: that very letter which in a manner
re-established my tranquillity, in a little time banished my peace. His unjust
reproaches, while they waked my resentment, recalled my former happiness, and
filled my soul with rage and sorrow. Horatio, perceiving the situation of my
mind, endeavoured to divert my chagrin, by treating me with all the amusements
and entertainments of the town. I was gratified with every indulgence I could
desire; introduced into the company of women in my own situation, by whom an
uncommon deference was paid to me; and I began to lose all remembrance of my
former condition, when an accident brought it back to my view with all its
interesting circumstances. Diverting myself one day with some newspapers, which
I had not before perused, the following advertisement attracted my attention:

‘“Whereas a young gentlewoman disappeared from her father’s
house in the county of —, about the end of September, on account (as is
supposed) of some uneasiness of mind, and has not been as yet heard of. Whoever
will give any information about her to Mr. — of Gray’s Inn, shall
be handsomely rewarded; or if she will return to the arms of her disconsolate
parent, she will be received with the utmost tenderness, whatever reason she
may have to think otherwise, and may be the means of prolonging the life of a
father already weighed down almost to the grave with age and sorrow.”

‘This pathetic remonstrance had such an effect on me, that I was fully
resolved to return, like the prodigal son, and implore the forgiveness of him
who gave me life; but, alas! Upon inquiry, I found he had paid his debt to
nature a month before, lamenting my absence to his last hour, having left his
fortune to a stranger, as a mark of his resentment of my unkind and undutiful
behaviour. Penetrated with remorse on this occasion, I sank into the most
profound melancholy, and considered myself as the immediate cause of his death.
I lost all relish for company; and, indeed, most of my acquaintances no sooner
perceived my change of temper, than they abandoned me. Horatio, disgusted at my
insensibility, or from some other cause, became colder and colder every day,
till at last he left me altogether, without making any apology for his conduct,
or securing me against the miseries of want, as a man of honour ought to have
done, considering the share he had in my ruin; for I afterwards learned, that
the quarrel between Lothario and him was a story trumped up to rid the one of
my importunities, and give the other a recommendation to me, which, it seems,
he desired, upon seeing me at the house of my seducer. Reduced to this
extremity, I cursed my own simplicity, uttered horrid imprecations against the
treachery of Horatio; and, as I became every day more and more familiarised to
the loss of innocence, resolved to be revenged on the sex in general, by
practising their own arts upon themselves. Nor was an opportunity long wanting:
an old gentlewoman, under pretence of sympathising, visited me, and after
having condoled me on my misfortunes, and professed a disinterested friendship,
began to display the art of her occupation, in encomiums on my beauty, and
invectives against the wretch who had forsaken me; insinuating withal, that it
would be my own fault if I did not still make my fortune by the extraordinary
qualifications with which nature had endowed me. I soon understood her drift,
and gave her such encouragement to explain herself, that we came to an
agreement immediately to divide whatever profits might accrue from such
gallants as she should introduce to my acquaintance. The first stroke of my
dissimulation was practised upon a certain judge, to whom I was recommended by
this matron as an innocent creature just arrived from the country.’

CHAPTER XXIII

Miss Williams interrupted by a bailiff, who carries her to the
Marshalsea—I accompany her—prove she is not the person named in the
writ—the bailiff is fain to discharge her—we shift our
lodging—her story, and my reflections thereupon—progress of a
common woman of the town—resolves to quit that way of life

Her story was here interrupted by a rap at the door, which I no sooner opened,
than three or four terrible fellows rushed in, one of whom accosted my
fellow-lodger thus: “Madam, your servant—you must do me the favour
to come along with me, I have a writ against you.” While the bailiff (for
so he was) spoke thus, his followers surrounded the prisoner, and began to
handle her very roughly. This treatment incensed me so much, that I snatched up
the poker and would certainly have used it in defence of the lady, without any
regard to the strength and number of her adversaries, had she not begged me,
with a composure of countenance for which I could not account, to use no
violence on her behalf, which could be of no service to her, but might be very
detrimental to myself. Then turning to the leader of this formidable troop, she
desired to see the writ, and having perused it, said with a faltering voice,
“I am not the person whose name is here mentioned, arrest me at your
peril.” “Ay, ay, madam,” replied the catchpole. “We
shall prove your identity. In the meantime, whither will you be pleased to be
carried, to my house, or to jail?” “If I must be confined,”
said she, “I would rather be in your house than in a common jail.”
“Well, well,” answered he, “if you have money enough in your
pocket, you shall be entertained like a princess.” But when she
acquainted him with her poverty, he swore he never gave credit, and ordered one
of his myrmidons to call a coach, to carry her to the Marshalsea at once. While
they waited for the convenience, she took me aside, and bade me be under no
concern on her account, for she knew how to extricate herself from this
difficulty very soon, and perhaps gain something by the occasion. Although her
discourse was a mystery to me, I was very well pleased with her assurance; and
when the coach came to the door, I offered to accompany her to prison, to which
proposal, after much entreaty, she consented.

When we arrived at the gate of the Marshalsea, our conductor alighted, and
having demanded entrance, presented the writ to the turnkey, who no sooner
perceived the name of Elizabeth Cary than he cried, “Ah, ah: my old
acquaintance Bet! I’m glad to see thee with all my heart.” So
saying, he opened the coach door, and helped her to dismount; but when he
observed her face, he started back, saying, “Who have we got here?”
The bailiff, alarmed at this interrogation, cried with some emotion, “Who
should it be but the prisoner, Elizabeth Cary?” The turnkey replied,
“That Elizabeth Cary! I’ll be hanged if that’s Elizabeth Cary
more than my grandmother.” Here the lady thought fit to interpose, and
tell the catchpole, if he had taken her word for it at first, he might have
saved himself and her a great deal of trouble. “It may be so,”
answered he, “but I’ll have further evidence that you are not the
person, before you and I part.” “Yes, yes,” said she,
“you shall have further evidence, to your cost.” Then we adjourned
into the lodge, and called for a bottle of wine, where my companion wrote a
direction to two of her acquaintance, and begged the favour of me to go to
their lodgings, and request them to come to her immediately. I found them
together at a house in Brydges Street, Drury Lane, and as they were luckily
unengaged, they set out with me in a hackney-coach without hesitation, after I
had related the circumstances of the affair, which flattered them with the
hopes of seeing a bailiff trounced; for there is an antipathy as natural
between women of that class and bailiffs, as that subsisting between mice and
cats. Accordingly, when they entered the lodge, they embraced the prisoner very
affectionately by the name of Nancy Williams, and asked how long she had been
nabbed, and for what? On hearing the particulars of her adventure repeated,
they offered to swear before a justice of peace that she was not the person
mentioned in the writ, whom, it seems, they all knew; but the bailiff, who was
by the time convinced of his mistake, told them he would not put them to that
trouble. “Ladies,” said he, “there’s no harm
done—you shall give me leave to treat you with another bottle, and then
we’ll part friends.” This proposal was not at all relished by the
sisterhood: and Miss Williams told him, sure he did not imagine her such a fool
as to be satisfied with a paltry glass of sour wine? Here the turnkey
interrupted her by affirming with an oath, that the wine was as good as ever
was tipped over tongue. “Well,” continued she, “that may be,
but were it the best of champagne, it is no recompense for the damage I have
suffered both in character and health, by being wrongfully dragged to jail; at
this rate, no innocent person is safe, since an officer of justice, out of
malice, private pique, or mistake, may injure and oppress the subject with
impunity; but, thank heaven, I live under the protection of laws that will not
suffer such insults to pass unpunished, and I know very well how to procure
redress.” Mr. Vulture, for that was the bailiff’s name, finding he
had to deal with one who would not be imposed upon, began to look very sullen
and perplexed, and, leaning his forehead on his hand, entered into a
deliberation with himself, which lasted a few minutes, and then broke out in a
volley of dreadful curses against the old jade our landlady, as he called her,
for having misinformed him. After much wrangling and swearing, the matter was
referred to the decision of the turnkey, who calling for the other bottle,
mulcted the bailiff in all the liquor that had been drunk, coach hire, and a
couple of guineas for the use of the plaintiff. The money was immediately
deposited; Miss Williams gratified the two evidences with one half, and putting
the other in her pocket drove home with me, leaving the catchpole grumbling
over his loss, yet pleased in the main, for having so cheaply got clear of a
business that might have cost him ten times the sum, and his place to boot.
This guinea was a very seasonable relief to us, who were reduced to great
necessity, six of my shirts, and almost all my clothes, except those on my
back, having been either pawned or sold for our maintenance before this
happened. As we resented the behaviour of our landlady, our first care was to
provide ourselves with another lodging, whither we removed next day, with an
intention to keep ourselves as retired as possible, until our cure should be
completed. When we were fixed in our new habitation, I entreated her to finish
the story of her life, which she pursued in this manner:—

‘The success of our experiment on the judge encouraged us to practice the
same deceit on others; but this harvest lasted not long, my character taking
air, and my directress deserting me for some new game. Then I took lodgings
near Charing-Cross, at two guineas a week, and began to entertain company in a
public manner; but my income being too small to defray my expenses, I was
obliged to retrench, and enter into articles with the porters of certain
taverns, who undertook to find employment enough for me, provided I would share
my profits with them. Accordingly, I was almost every night engaged with
company, among whom I was exposed to every mortification, danger, and abuse,
that flow from drunkenness and brutality. As my spirit was not sufficiently
humbled to the will, nor my temper calculated for the conversation of my
gallants, it was impossible for me to overcome an aversion I felt for my
profession, which manifested itself in a settled gloom on my countenance, and
disgusted those sons of mirth and riot so much, that I was frequently used in a
shocking manner, and kicked down stairs with disgrace. The messengers, seeing
me disagreeable to their benefactors and employers, seldom troubled me with a
call, and I began to find myself almost totally neglected.

‘To contribute towards my support I was fain to sell my watch, rings,
trinkets, with the best part of my clothes; and I was one evening musing by
myself on misery before me when I received a message from a tavern, whither I
repaired in a chair, and was introduced to a gentleman dressed like an officer,
with whom I supped in a sumptuous manner. In the morning, when I awoke, I found
my gallant had got up, and, drawing aside the curtain, could not perceive him
in the room. I waited a full hour for his return, and then in the greatest
perplexity, rose up and rang the bell. When the waiter came to the door, he
found it locked, and desired admittance, which I granted, after observing, with
great surprise, that the key remained on the inside, as when we went to bed. I
no sooner inquired for the captain, than the fellow, staring with a distracted
look, cried, “How, madam, is he not abed?” And when he was
satisfied as to that particular, ran into a closet adjoining to the chamber,
the window of which he found open. Through this the adventurer had got upon a
wall, from whence he dropped down into a court and escaped, leaving me to be
answerable not only for the reckoning, but also for a large silver tankard and
posset-bowl, which he had carried off with him.

‘It is impossible to describe the consternation I was under, when I saw
myself detained as a thief’s accomplice; for I was looked upon in that
light, and carried before a justice, who mistaking my confusion for a sign of
guilt committed me, after a short examination, to Bridewell, having admonished
me, as the only means to save my life, to turn evidence, and impeach my
confederate. I now concluded the vengeance of Heaven had overtaken me, and that
I must soon finish my career by an ignominious death. This reflection sank so
deep into my soul, that I was for some days deprived of my reason, and actually
believed myself in hell, tormented by fiends. Indeed, there needs not a very
extravagant imagination to form that idea: for of all the scenes on earth that
of Bridewell approaches nearest the notion I had always entertained of the
regions. Here I saw nothing but rage, anguish and impiety, and heard nothing
but groans, curses, and blasphemy. In the midst of this hellish crew, I was
subjected to the tyranny of a barbarian, who imposed upon me tasks that I could
not possibly perform, and then punished my incapacity with the utmost rigour
and inhumanity. I was often whipped into a swoon, and lashed out of it (during
which miserable interval, I was robbed by my fellow-prisoners of everything
about me, even to my cap, shoes, and stockings): I was not only destitute of
necessaries, but even of food, so that my wretchedness was extreme. Not one of
my acquaintance to whom I imparted my situation, would grant me the least
succour or regard, on pretence of my being committed for theft, and my landlord
refused to part with some of my own clothes which I sent for, because I was
indebted to him for a week’s lodging.

‘Overwhelmed with calamity, I grew desperate, and resolved to put an end
to my grievances and life together: for this purpose I got up in the middle of
the night, when I thought everybody around me asleep, and fixing one end of a
large hook in the ceiling, that supported the scales on which the hemp is
weighed, I stood upon a chair, and making a noose on the other end, put my neck
into it, with an intention to hang myself; but before I could adjust the knot I
was surprised and prevented by two women, who had been awake all the while and
suspected my design. In the morning, my attempt was published among the
prisoners and punished with thirty stripes, the pain of which, co-operating
with my disappointment and disgrace, bereft me of my senses, and threw me into
an ecstacy of madness, during which I tore the flesh from my bones with my
teeth, and dashed my head against the pavement; so that they were obliged to
set a watch over me, to restrain me from doing further mischief to myself and
others. This fit of frenzy continued three days, at the end of which I grew
calm and sullen: but as the desire of making away with myself still remained, I
came to a determination of starving myself to death, and with that view refused
all sustenance.

‘Whether it was owing to the want of opposition, or to the weakness of
nature, I know not; but on the second day of my fast, I found my resolution
considerably impaired, and the calls of hunger almost insupportable. At this
critical conjuncture a lady was brought into the prison, with whom I had
contracted an acquaintance while I lived with Horatio; she was then on the same
footing as I was, but afterwards quarrelling with her gallant, and not finding
another to her mind, altered her scheme of life, and set up a coffee-house
among the hundreds in Drury, where she entertained gentlemen with claret,
arrack, and the choice of half-a-dozen damsels who lived in her house. This
serviceable matron having neglected to gratify a certain justice for the
connivance she enjoyed, was indicted at the quarter sessions, in consequence of
which her bevy was dispersed, and herself committed to Bridewell. She had not
been long there before she learned my disaster, and coming up to me, after a
compliment of condolence, inquired into the particulars of my fate. While we
were engaged in discourse together, the master came and told me, that the
fellow on whose account I had suffered was taken, that he had confessed the
theft, and cleared me of any concern in the affair; for which reason he, the
master, had orders to discharge me, and that I was from that moment free.

‘This piece of news soon banished all thoughts of death, and had such an
instantaneous effect on my countenance, that Mrs. Coupler (the lady then
present), hoping to find her account in me, very generously offered to furnish
me with what necessaries I wanted, and take me into her own house as soon as
she could compromise matters with the justices. The conditions of her offer
were, that I should pay three guineas weekly for my board, and a reasonable
consideration besides, for the use of such clothes and ornaments as she should
supply me with, to be deducted from the first profits of my occupation. These
were hard terms, but not to be rejected by one who was turned out helpless and
naked into the wide world, without a friend to pity or assist her. I therefore
embraced her proposal, and she being bailed in a few hours, took me home with
her in a coach. As I was by this time conscious of having formerly disgusted my
admirers by my reserved loud haughty behaviour, I now endeavoured to conquer
that disposition, and the sudden change of my fortune giving me a flow of
spirits, I appeared in the most winning and gay manner I could assume. Having
the advantage of a good voice and education, I exerted my talents to the
uttermost, and soon became the favourite with all company. This success alarmed
the pride and jealousy of Mrs. Coupler, who could not bear the thoughts of
being eclipsed: she therefore made a merit of her envy, and whispered among the
customers that I was unsound. There needed no more to ruin my reputation and
blast my prosperity; everybody shunned me with marks of aversion and disdain,
and in a very short time I was as solitary as ever. Want of gallants was
attended with want of money to satisfy my malicious landlady, who having
purposely given me credit to the amount of eleven pounds, took out a writ
against me and I was arrested in her own house. Though the room was crowded
with people when the bailiff entered, not one of them had compassion enough to
mollify my prosecutrix, far less to pay the debt; they even laughed at my
tears, and one of them bade me be of good cheer, for I should not want admirers
in Newgate.

‘At this instant a sea-lieutenant came in, and seeing my plight, began to
inquire into the circumstances of my misfortune. “Harkee, my girl,”
he inquired “how far have you overrun the constable?” I told him
that the debt amounted to eleven pounds, besides the expenses of the writ.
“An that be all,” said he, “you shan’t go to the
bilboes this bout.” And taking out his purse, he paid the money,
discharged the bailiff, and telling me I had got into the wrong port, advised
me to seek out a more convenient harbour, where I could be safely hove down;
for which purpose he made me a present of five guineas more. I was so touched
with this singular piece of generosity, that for some time I had not power to
thank him. However, as soon as I recollected myself, I begged the favour of him
to go with me to the next tavern, where I explained the nature of my disaster,
and convinced him of the falsehood of what was reported to my prejudice so
effectually, that he from that moment attached himself to me, and we lived in
great harmony together, until he was obliged to go to sea, where he perished in
a storm.

‘Having lost my benefactor, and almost consumed the remains of his
bounty, I saw myself in danger of relapsing into my former necessity, and began
to be very uneasy at the prospect of bailiffs and jails! when one of the
sisterhood advised me to take lodgings in a part of the town where I was
unknown, and pass for an heiress, by which artifice I might entrap somebody to
be my husband, who would possibly be able to allow me a handsome maintenance,
or at worst screen me from the dread and danger of a prison, by becoming liable
for whatever debts I should contract. I approved of this scheme, towards the
execution of which my companion clubbed her wardrobe, and undertook to live
with me in quality of my maid, with the proviso that she should be reimbursed
and handsomely considered out of the profits of my success. She was immediately
detached to look out for a convenient place, and that very day hired a genteel
apartment in Park Street, whither I moved in a coach loaded with her baggage,
and my own. I made my first appearance in a blue riding habit trimmed with
silver; and my maid acted her part so artfully, that in a day or two my fame
spread all over the neighbourhood, and I was said to be a rich heiress just
arrived from the country. This report brought a swarm of gay young fellows
about me; but I soon found them to be all indigent adventurers like myself, who
crowded to me like crows to a carrion, with a view of preying upon my fortune.
I maintained, however, the appearance of wealth as long as possible, in hopes
of gaining some admirer more for my purpose, and at length attracted the regard
of one who would have satisfied my wishes, and managed matters so well, that a
day was actually fixed for our nuptials. In the interim, he begged leave to
introduce an intimate friend to me, which request, as I could not refuse, I had
the extreme mortification and surprise to see, next night, in that friend, my
old keeper Horatio, who no sooner beheld me than he changed colour, but had
presence of mind to advance and salute me, bidding me (with a low voice) be
under no apprehension, for he would not expose me. In spite of his assurance, I
could not recover myself so far as to entertain them, but withdrew to my
chamber on pretence of a severe headache, to the no small concern of my adorer,
who took his leave in the tenderest manner, and went off with his friend.

‘Having imparted my situation to my companion, she found it high time for
us to decamp, and that without any noise, because we were not only indebted to
our landlady, but also to several tradesmen in the neighbourhood. Our retreat,
therefore, was concerted and executed in this manner: Having packed up all our
clothes and moveables in small parcels, she (on pretence of fetching cordials
for me) carried them at several times to the house of an acquaintance, where
she likewise procured a lodging, to which we retired in the middle of the
night, when every other body in the house was asleep. I was now obliged to aim
at lower game, and accordingly spread my nets among tradespeople, but found
them all too phlegmatic or cautious for my art and attractions, till at last I
became acquainted with you, on whom I practised all my dexterity; not that I
believed you had any fortune, or expectation of me, but that I might transfer
the burden of such debts as I had incurred, or should contract, from myself to
another, and at the same time avenge myself of your sex, by rendering miserable
one who bore such resemblance to the wretch who ruined me; but Heaven preserved
you from my snares by the discovery you made, which was owing to the negligence
of my maid in leaving the chamber-door unlocked when she went to buy sugar for
breakfast. When I found myself detected and forsaken by you, I was fain to move
my lodging, and dwell two pair of stairs higher than before. My companion,
being disappointed in her expectations, left me, and I had no other resource
than to venture forth, like the owls in the dark, to pick up a precarious and
uncomfortable subsistence. I have often sauntered between Ludgate Hill and
Charing Cross a whole winter night, exposed not only to the inclemency of the
weather, but likewise to the rage of hunger and thirst, without being so happy
as to meet with one dupe, then creep up to my garret, in a deplorable draggled
condition, sneak to bed, and try to bury my appetite and sorrows in sleep. When
I lighted on some rake or tradesman reeling home drunk, I frequently suffered
the most brutal treatment, in spite of which I was obliged to affect gaiety and
good humour, though my soul was stung with resentment and disdain, and my heart
loaded with grief and affliction. In the course of these nocturnal adventures,
I was infected with the disease, that in a short time rendered me the object of
my own abhorrence, and drove me to the retreat where your benevolence rescued
me from the jaws of death.’

So much candour and good sense appeared in this lady’s narration, that I
made no scruple of believing every syllable of what she said, and expressed my
astonishment at the variety of miseries she had undergone in so little time,
for all her misfortunes had happened within the compass of two years; I
compared her situation with my own, and found it a thousand times more
wretched. I had endured hardships, ’tis true—my whole life had been
a series of such; and when I looked forward, the prospect was not much
bettered, but then they were become habitual to me, and consequently I could
bear them with less difficulty. If one scheme of life should not succeed, I
could have recourse to another, and so to a third, veering about to a thousand
different shifts, according to the emergencies of my fate, without forfeiting
the dignity of my character beyond a power of retrieving it, or subjecting
myself wholly to the caprice and barbarity of the world. On the other hand, she
had known and relished the sweets of prosperity, she had been brought up under
the wings of an indulgent parent, in all the delicacies to which her sex and
rank entitled her; and without any extravagance of hope, entertained herself
with the view of uninterrupted happiness through the whole scene of life. How
fatal then, how tormenting, how intolerable, must her reverse of fortune
be!—a reverse, that not only robs her of these external comforts, and
plunges her into all the miseries of want, but also murders her peace of mind,
and entails upon her the curse of eternal infamy! Of all professions I
pronounced that of a courtesan the most deplorable, and her of all courtesans
the most unhappy. She allowed my observation to be just in the main, but at the
same time affirmed that notwithstanding the disgraces which had fallen to her
share, she had not been so unlucky in the condition of a prostitute as many
others of the same community. “I have often seen,” said she,
“while I strolled about the streets at midnight, a number of naked
wretches reduced to rags and filth, huddled together like swine, in the corner
of a dark alley, some of whom, but eighteen months before, I had known the
favourites of the town, rolling in affluence, and glittering in all the pomp of
equipage and dress. Miserable wretch that I am! perhaps the same horrors are
decreed for me!” “No!” cried she, after some pause, “I
shall never live to such extremity of distress; my own hand shall open a way
for my deliverance, before I arrive at that forlorn period!” Her
condition filled me with sympathy and compassion: I revered her qualifications,
looked upon her as unfortunate, not criminal, and attended her with such care
and success, that in less than two months her health, as well as my own, was
perfectly re-established. As we often conferred upon our mutual affairs, and
interchanged advice, a thousand different projects were formed, which, upon
further canvassing, appeared impracticable. We would have gladly gone to
service, but who would take us in without recommendation? At length an
expedient occurred to her, of which she intended to lay hold; and this was, to
procure with the first money she should earn, the homely garb of a country
wench, go to some village at a good distance from town, and come up in a
waggon, as a fresh girl for service: by which means she might be provided for,
in a manner much more suitable to her inclination than her present way of life.

CHAPTER XXIV

I am reduced to a great misery—assaulted on Tower Hill by a press-gang,
who put me on board a tender—my usage there—my arrival on board at
a man-of-war, where I am put in irons, and released by the good offices of Mr.
Thompson, who recommends me as assistant to the surgeon—-he relates his
own story—characters of the captain, surgeon, and first mate

I applauded the resolution of Miss Williams, who a few days after, was hired in
quality of bar-keeper, by one of the ladies who had witnessed in her behalf at
the Marshalsea, and who since that time had got credit with a wine merchant,
whose favourite she was, to set up a convenient house of her own. Thither my
fellow-lodger repaired, after having taken leave of me with a torrent of tears,
and a thousand protestations of eternal gratitude; assuring me she would remain
in this situation no longer than she could pick up money sufficient to put her
other design in execution.

As for my own part, I saw no resource but the army or navy, between which I
hesitated so long that I found myself reduced to a starving condition. My
spirit began to accommodate itself to my beggarly fate, and I became so mean as
to go down towards Wapping, with an intention to inquire for an old
schoolfellow, who, I understood, had got the command of a small coasting vessel
then in the river, and implore his assistance. But my destiny prevented this
abject piece of behaviour; for as I crossed Tower Wharf, a squat tawny fellow
with a hanger by his side, and a cudgel in his hand came up to me, calling,
“Yo ho! brother, you must come along with me.” As I did not like
his appearance, instead of answering his salutation, I quickened my pace, in
hope of ridding myself of his company; upon which he whistled aloud, and
immediately another sailor appeared before me, who laid hold of me by the
collar, and began to drag me along. Not being in a humour to relish such
treatment, I disengaged myself of the assailant, and, with one blow of my
cudgel, laid him motionless on the ground; and perceiving myself surrounded in
a trice by ten or a dozen more, exerted myself with such dexterity and success,
that some of my opponents were fain to attack me with drawn cutlasses; and
after an obstinate engagement, in which I received a large wound on my head,
and another on my left cheek, I was disarmed, taken prisoner, and carried on
board a pressing tender, where, after being pinioned like a malefactor, I was
thrust down into the hold among a parcel of miserable wretches, the sight of
whom well nigh distracted me. As the commanding officer had not humanity enough
to order my wounds to be dressed, and I could not use my own hands, I desired
one of my fellow captives who was unfettered, to take a handkerchief out of my
pocket, and tie it round my head, to stop the bleeding. He pulled out my
handkerchief, ’tis true, but instead of applying it to the use for which
I designed it, went to the grating of the hatchway, and, with astonishing
composure, sold it before my face to a bumboat woman (1) then on board, for a
quart of gin, with which he treated his companions, regardless of my
circumstances and entreaties.

(1) A Bumboat woman is one who sells bread, cheese, greens, liquor, and fresh
potatoes to the sailors, in a small boat that lies alongside the ship

I complained bitterly of this robbery to the midshipman on deck, telling him at
the same time, that unless my hurts were dressed, I should bleed to death. But
compassion was a weakness of which no man could justly accuse this person, who,
squirting a mouthful of dissolved tobacco upon me through the gratings, told me
“I was a mutinous dog, and that I might die for anything he cared!”
Finding there was no other remedy, I appealed to patience, and laid up this
usage in my memory, to be called at a more fitting opportunity. In the
meantime, loss of blood, vexation, and want of food, contributed, with the
noisome stench of the place, to throw me into a swoon, out of which I was
recovered by a tweak of the nose, administered by the tar who stood sentinel
over us, who at the same time regaled me with a draught of flip, and comforted
me with the hopes of being put on board of the Thunder next day, where I should
be freed of my handcuffs, and cured of my wounds by the doctor. I no sooner
heard him name the Thunder, than I asked if he had belonged to that ship long;
and be giving me to understand he had belonged to her five years, I inquired if
he knew Lieutenant Bowling? “Know Lieutenant Bowling!” said he,
“Odds my life! and that I do; and a good seaman he is as ever stepped
upon forecastle, and a brave fellow as ever cracked biscuit—none of your
Guinea pigs, nor your fresh water, wish-washy, fair-weather fowls. Many a taut
gale of wind have honest Tom Bowling and I weathered together. Here’s his
health, with all my heart: wherever he is, a-loft, or a-low, the lieutenant
needs not be ashamed to show himself.” I was so much affected with this
eulogium, that I could not refrain from telling him that I was Lieutenant
Bowling’s kinsman; in consequence of which connection, he expressed his
inclination to serve me, and when he was relieved, brought some cold boiled
beef in a platter, and biscuit, on which we supped plentifully, and afterwards
drank another can of flip together. While we were thus engaged, he recounted a
great many exploits of my uncle, who, I found, was very much beloved by the
ship’s company, and pitied for the misfortune that had happened to him in
Hispaniola, which I was very glad to be informed was not so great as I
imagined; for Captain Oakum had recovered of his wounds, and actually at that
time commanded the ship. Having by accident, in my pocket, my uncle’s
letter, written from Port Louis, I gave it my benefactor (whose name was Jack
Rattlin) for his perusal; but honest Jack told me frankly he could not read,
and desired to know the contents, which I immediately communicated. When he
heard that part of it in which he says he had written to his landlord in Deal,
he cried, “Body o’ me! that was old Ben Block; he was dead before
the letter came to hand. Ey, ey, had Ben been alive, Lieutenant Bowling would
have had no occasion to skulk so long. Honest Ben was the first man that taught
him to hand, reef, and steer. Well, well, we must all die, that’s
certain—we must all come to port sooner or later, at sea or on
shore—we must be fast moored one day: death’s like the best bower
anchor, as the saying is—it will bring us all up.” I could not but
signify my approbation of the justness of Jack’s reflections, and
inquired into the occasion of the quarrel between Captain Oakum and my uncle,
which he explained in this manner: “Captain Oakum, to be sure, is a good
man enough—besides, he’s my commander; but what’s that to me?
I do my duty, and value no man’s anger of a rope’s end. Now the
report goes, as how he’s a lord, or baron knight’s brother, whereby
(d’ye see me,) he carries a straight arm, and keeps aloof from his
officers, though mayhap they may be as good men in the main as he. Now we lying
at anchor in Tuberon Bay, Lieutenant Bowling had the middle watch, and as he
always kept a good look out, he made (d’ye see) three lights in the
offing, whereby he ran down to the great cabin for orders, and found the
captain asleep; whereupon he waked him, which put him in a main high passion,
and he swore woundily at the lieutenant, and called him lousy Scotch son of a
whore (for, I being then sentinel in the steerage, heard all), and swab, and
lubber, whereby the lieutenant returned the salute, and they jawed together
fore and aft a good spell, till at last the captain turned out, and, laying
hold of a rattan, came athwart Mr. Bowling’s quarter: whereby he told the
captain that, if he was not his commander, he would heave him overboard, and
demanded satisfaction ashore; whereby in the morning watch, the captain went
ashore in the pinnace, and afterwards the lieutenant carried the cutter ashore,
and so they, leaving the boats’ crews on their oars, went away together;
and so (d’ye see) in less than a quarter of an hour we heard firing,
whereby we made for the place, and found the captain lying wounded on the
beach, and so brought him on board to the doctor, who cured him in less than
six weeks. But the lieutenant clapped on all the sail he could bear, and had
got far enough ahead before we knew anything of the matter; so that we could
never after get sight of him, for which we were not sorry, because the captain
was mainly wrath, and would certainly have done him a mischief; for he
afterwards caused him to be run on the ship’s books, whereby he lost all
his pay, and, if he should be taken, would be tried as a deserter.”

This account of the captain’s behaviour gave me no advantageous idea of
his character; and I could not help lamenting my own fate, that had subjected
me to such a commander. However, making a virtue of necessity, I put a good
face on the matter, and next day, was, with the other pressed men, put on board
of the “Thunder,” lying at the Nore. When we came alongside, the
mate, who guarded us thither, ordered my handcuffs to be taken off, that I
might get on board the easier; this circumstance being perceived by some of the
company who stood upon the gangboard to see us enter, one of them called to
Jack Rattlin, who was busied in doing this friendly office for me, “Hey,
Jack, what Newgate galley have you boarded in the river as you came along? Have
we not thieves enow among us already?” Another, observing my wounds,
which remained exposed to the air, told me, my seams were uncaulked, and that I
must be new payed. A third, seeing my hair clotted together with blood, as it
were into distinct cords, took notice, that my bows were mended with the red
ropes, instead of my side. A fourth asked me, if I could not keep my yards
square without iron braces? And, in short, a thousand witticisms of the same
nature were passed upon me before I could get up the ship’s side.

After we had been all entered upon the ship’s books, I inquired of one of
my shipmates where the surgeon was, that I might have my wounds dressed, and
had actually got as far as the middle deck (for our ship carried eighty guns),
in my way to the cockpit, when I was met by the same midshipman who had used me
so barbarously in the tender: he, seeing me free from my chains, asked, with an
insolent air, who had released me? To this question, I foolishly answered, with
a countenance that too plainly declared the state of my thoughts,
“Whoever did it, I am persuaded did not consult you in the affair.”
I had no sooner uttered these words, than he cried, “Damn you, you saucy
son of a hitch, I’ll teach you to talk so to your officer.” So
saying, he bestowed on me several severe stripes with a supple jack he had in
his hand: and, going to the commanding officer, made such a report of me, that
I was immediately put in irons by the master-at-arms, and a sentinel placed
over me. Honest Rattlin, as soon as he heard of my condition, came to me, and
administered all the consolation he could, and then went to the surgeon in my
behalf, who sent one of his mates to dress my wounds. This mate was no other
than my old friend Thompson, with whom I became acquainted at the Navy Office,
as before mentioned. If I knew him at first sight, it was not easy for him to
recognise me, disfigured with blood and dirt, and altered by the misery I had
undergone. Unknown as I was to him, he surveyed me with looks of compassion,
and handled my sores with great tenderness. When he had applied what he thought
proper, and was about to leave me, I asked him if my misfortunes had disguised
me so much that he could not recollect my face? Upon this address he observed
me with great earnestness for some time, and at length protested he could not
recollect one feature of my countenance. To keep him no longer in suspense, I
told him my name, which when he heard, he embraced me with affection, and
professed his sorrow at seeing me in such a disagreeable situation. I made him
acquainted with my story, and, when he heard how inhumanly I had been used in
the tender, he left me abruptly, assuring me I should see him again soon. I had
scarce time to wonder at his sudden departure, when the master-at-arms came to
the place of my confinement, and bade me follow him to the quarter-deck, where
I was examined by the first lieutenant, who commanded the ship in the absence
of the captain, touching the treatment I had received in the tender from my
friend the midshipman, who was present to confront me.

I recounted the particulars of his behaviour to me, not only in the tender, but
since my being on board the ship, part of which being proved by the evidence of
Jack Rattlin and others, who had no great devotion for my oppressor, I was
discharged from confinement, to make way for him, who was delivered to the
master-at-arms to take his turn in the bilboes. And this was not the only
satisfaction I enjoyed, for I was, at the request of the surgeon, exempted from
all other duty than that of assisting his mates, in making and administering
medicines to the sick. This good office I owed to the friendship of Mr.
Thompson, who had represented me in such a favourable light to the surgeon,
that he demanded me of the lieutenant to supply the place of his third mate,
who was lately dead. When I had obtained this favour, my friend Thompson
carried me down to the cockpit, which is the place allotted for the habitation
of the surgeon’s mates; and when he had shown me their berth (as he
called it), I was filled with astonishment and horror, We descended by divers
ladders to a space as dark as a dungeon, which, I understood, was immersed
several feet under water, being immediately above the hold. I had no sooner
approached this dismal gulph, than my nose was saluted with an intolerable
stench of putrified cheese and rancid butter, that issued from an apartment at
the foot of the ladder, resembling a chandler’s shop, where, by the faint
glimmering of a candle, I could perceive a man with a pale, meagre countenance,
sitting behind a kind of desk, having spectacles on his nose, and a pen in his
hand. This (I learned of Mr. Thompson) was the ship’s steward, who sat
there to distribute provision to the several messes, and to mark what each
received. He therefore presented my name to him, and desired I might be entered
in his mess; then, taking a light in his hand, conducted me to the place of his
residence, which was a square of about six feet, surrounded with the
medicine-chest, that of the first mate, his own, and a board by way of table
fastened to the after powder room; it was also inclosed with canvas nailed
round to the beams of the ship, to screen us from the cold, as well as from the
view of the midshipmen and quartermaster, who lodged within the cable-tiers on
each side of us. In this gloomy mansion he entertained me with some cold salt
pork, which he brought from a sort of locker, fixed above the table: and
calling for the boy of the mess, sent for a can of beer, of which he made
excellent flip to crown the banquet.

By this time I began to recover my spirits, which had been exceedingly
depressed with the appearance of everything about me, and could no longer
refrain from asking the particulars of Mr. Thompson’s fortune since I had
seen him in London. He told me, that being disappointed in his expectations of
borrowing money to gratify the rapacious s—t—ry at the Navy Office,
he found himself utterly unable to subsist any longer in town, and had actually
offered his service, in quality of mate, to the surgeon of a merchant ship,
bound to Guinea on the slaving trade; when, one morning, a young fellow, of
whom he had some acquaintance, came to his lodgings, and informed him that he
had seen a warrant made out in his name at the Navy Office, for surgeon’s
second mate of a third-rate. This unexpected piece of good news he could
scarcely believe to be true, more especially as he had been found qualified at
Surgeons’ Hall for third mate only; but that he might not be wanting to
himself, he went thither to be assured, and actually found it so: whereupon,
demanding his warrant, it was delivered to him, and the oaths administered
immediately. That very afternoon he went to Gravesend in the tilt-boat, from
whence he took place in the tide-coach for Rochester; next morning got on board
the “Thunder,” for which he was appointed, then lying in the
harbour at Chatham; and the same day was mustered by the clerk of the checque.
And well it was for him that such expedition was used; for, in less than twelve
hours after his arrival, another William Thompson came on board, affirming that
he was the person for whom the warrant was expedited, and that the other was an
impostor.

My friend was grievously alarmed at this accident, the more so, as his namesake
had very much the advantage over him both in assurance and dress. However, to
acquit himself of the suspicion of imposture, he produced several letters
written from Scotland to him in that name, and, recollecting that his
indentures were in a box on board, he brought them up, and convinced all
present that he had not assumed a name which did not belong to him. His
competitor, enraged that they should hesitate in doing him justice (for to be
sure the warrant had been designed for him), behaved with so much indecent
heat, that the commanding officer (who was the same gentleman I had seen) and
the surgeon were offended at his presumption, and making a point of it with
their friends in town, in less than a week got the first confirmed in his
station. “I have been on board,” said he, “ever since; and,
as this way of life is becoming familiar to me, have no cause to complain of my
situation. The surgeon is a good-natured, indolent man; the first mate (who is
now on shore on duty) is indeed a little proud and choleric, as all Welshmen
are, but in the main a friendly honest fellow. The lieutenants I have no
concern with; and, as for the captain, he is too much of a gentleman to know a
surgeon’s mate, even by sight.”

CHAPTER XXV

The behaviour of Mr. Morgan—his pride, displeasure, and
generosity—the economy of our mess described—Thomson’s
further friendship—the nature of my duty explained—the situation of
the sick

While he was thus discoursing to me, we heard a voice on the cockpit ladder
pronounce with great vehemence, in a strange dialect, “The devil and his
dam blow me from the top of Monchdenny, if I go to him before there is
something in my pelly. Let his nose be as yellow as saffron, or as plue as a
pell (look you), or as green as a leek, ’tis all one.” To this
declaration somebody answered, “So it seems my poor messmate must part
his cable for want of a little assistance. His foretopsail is loose already;
and besides the doctor ordered you to overhaul him; but I see you don’t
mind what your master says.” Here he was interrupted with,
“Splutter and cons! you lousy tog, who do you call my master? Get you
gone to the doctor, and tell him my birth, and education, and my abilities; and
moreover, my behaviour is as good as his, or any shentleman’s (no
disparagement to him,) in the whole world. Cot pless my soul I does he think,
or conceive, or imagine, that I am a horse, or an ass, or a goat, to trudge
backwards and forwards, and upwards and downwards, and by sea and by land; at
his will and pleasure? Go your ways, you rapscallion, and tell Doctor Atkins
that I desire and request that he will give a look upon the tying man, and
order something for him, if he be dead or alive, and I will see him take it by
and by, when my craving stomach is satisfied, look you.” At this, the
other went away, saying, “that if they should serve him so when he was
dying, by God he would be foul of them in the other world.” Here Mr.
Thompson let me know, that the person we heard was Mr. Morgan, the first mate,
who was just come on board from the hospital, whither he had attended some of
the sick in the morning; at the same time I saw him come into the berth. He was
a short thick man, with a face garnished with pimples, a snub nose turned up at
the end, an excessive wide mouth, and little fiery eyes, surrounded with skin
puckered up in innumerable wrinkles. My friend immediately made him acquainted
with my case; when he regarded me with a very lofty look, but without speaking,
set down a bundle he had in his hand, and approached the cupboard, which, when
he had opened, he exclaimed in a great passion, “Cot is my life, all the
pork is gone, as I am a Christian!” Thompson then gave him to understand,
that, as I had been brought on board half famished, he could do no less than to
entertain me with what was in the locker, and the rather as he had bid the
steward enter me in the mess. Whether this disappointment made Mr. Morgan more
peevish than usual, or he really thought himself too little regarded by his
fellow mate, I know not, but after some pause, he went on in this manner:
“Mr. Thompson, perhaps you do not use me with all the good manners, and
complaisance, and respect (look you,) that becomes you, because you have not
vouchsafed to advise with me in this affair. I have in my time (look you,) been
a man of some weight, and substance, and consideration, and have kept house and
home, and paid scot and lot, and the king’s taxes; ay, and maintained a
family to boot. And moreover, also, I am your senior, and your older, and your
petter, Mr. Thompson.” “My elder, I’ll allow you to be, but
not my better!” cried Thompson, with some heat. “Cot is my Saviour,
and witness too,” said Morgan, with great vehemence, “that I am
more elder, and therefore more petter by many years than you.” Fearing
this dispute might be attended with some bad consequence, I interposed, and
told Mr. Morgan I was very sorry for having been the occasion of any difference
between him and the second mate; and that, rather than cause the least breach
in their good understanding, I would eat my allowance to myself, or seek
admission into some other company. But Thompson, with more spirit than
discretion (as I thought), insisted upon my remaining where he had appointed
me; and observed that no man, possessed of generosity and compassion, would
have any objection to it, considering my birth and talents, and the misfortunes
I had of late so unjustly undergone.

This was touching Mr. Morgan on the right key, who protested with great
earnestness, that he had no objection to my being received in the mess; but
only complained that the ceremony of asking his consent was not observed.
“As for a sheltenman in distress,” said he, shaking me by the hand,
“I lofe him as I lofe my own powels: for, Cot help me! I have had
vexations enough upon my own pack.” And as I afterwards learned, in so
saying, he spoke no more than what was true; for he had been once settled in a
very good situation in Glamorganshire, and was ruined by being security for an
acquaintance. All differences being composed, he untied his bundle, which
consisted of three bunches of onions, and a great lump of Cheshire cheese,
wrapped up in a handkerchief: and, taking some biscuit from the cupboard, fell
to with a keen appetite, inviting us to share of the repast. When he had fed
heartily on his homely fare, he filled a large cup, made of a cocoa-nut shell,
with brandy, and, drinking it off, told us, “Prandy was the best
menstruum for onions and sheese.” His hunger being appeased, he began to
be in better humour; and, being inquisitive about my birth, no sooner
understood that I was descended of a good family, than he discovered a
particular good-will to me on that account, deducing his own pedigree in a
direct line from the famous Caractacus, king of the Britons, who was first the
prisoner, and afterwards the friend of Claudius Caesar. Perceiving how much I
was reduced in point of linen, he made me a present of two good ruffled shirts,
which, with two more of check which I received from Mr. Thompson, enabled me to
appear with decency.

Meanwhile the sailor, whom Mr. Morgan had sent to the doctor, brought a
prescription for his messmate, which when the Welshman had read, he got up to
prepare it, and asked, “if the man was dead or alive.”
“Dead!” replied Jack; “if he was dead, he would have no
occasion for doctor’s stuff. No, thank God, death han’t as yet
boarded him. But they have been yard-arm and yard-arm these three
glasses.” “Are his eyes open,” continued the mate. “His
starboard eye,” said the sailor, “is open, but fast jammed in his
head: and the haulyards of his under jaw have given way.” “Passion
of my heart!” cried Morgan, “the man is as pad as one would desire
to be! Did you feel his pulses!” To this the other replied with
“Anan!” Upon which this Cambro Briton, with great earnestness and
humanity, ordered the tar to run to his messmate, and keep him alive till he
should come with the medicine, “and then,” said he, “you
shall peradventure pehold what you shall see.”

The poor fellow, with great simplicity, ran to the place where the sick man
lay, but in less than a minute returned with a woful countenance, and told us
his comrade had struck. Morgan, hearing this, exclaimed, “Mercy upon my
salvation! why did you not stop him till I came?” “Stop him!”
said the other; “I hailed him several times, but he was too far on his
way, and the enemy had got possession of his close quarters; so that he did not
mind me.” “Well, well,” said he, “we all owe heaven a
teath. Go your ways, you ragamuffin, and take an example and a warning, look
you, and repent of your misteets.” So saying, he pushed the seaman out of
the berth.

While we entertained us with reflections suitable to this event, we heard the
boatswain pipe to dinner; and immediately the boy belonging to our mess ran to
the locker, from whence he carried off a large wooden platter, and, in a few
minutes, returned with it full of boiled peas, crying “Scaldings”
all the way as he came. The cloth, consisting of a piece of an old sail, was
instantly laid, covered with three plates, which by the colour I could with
difficulty discern to be metal, and as many spoons of the same composition, two
of which were curtailed in the handles, and the other abridged in the lip. Mr.
Morgan himself enriched this mess with a lump of salt butter scooped from an
old gallipot, and a handful of onions shorn, with some pounded pepper. I was
not very much tempted with the appearance of this dish, of which, nevertheless,
my messmates ate heartily, advising me to follow their example, as it was
banyan day and we could have no meat till next noon. But I had already laid in
sufficient for the occasion, and therefore desired to be excused: expressing a
curiosity to know the meaning of banyan day. They told me, that, on Mondays,
Wednesdays, and Fridays, the ship’s company had no allowance of meat, and
that these meagre days were called banyan days, the reason of which they did
not know; but I have since learned they take their denomination from a sect of
devotees in some parts of the East Indies, who never taste flesh.

After dinner Thompson led me round the ship, showed me the different parts,
described their uses, and, as far as he could, made me acquainted with the
particulars of the discipline and economy practised on board. He then demanded
of the boatswain a hammock for me, which was slung in a very neat manner by my
friend Jack Rattlin; and, as I had no bed-clothes, procured credit for me with
the purser, for a mattress and two blankets. At seven o’clock in the
evening Morgan visited the sick, and, having ordered what was proper for each,
I assisted Thompson in making up his prescriptions: but when I followed him
with the medicines into the sick berth, or hospital, and observed the situation
of the patients, I was much less surprised that people should die on board,
than that a sick person should recover. Here I saw about fifty miserable
distempered wretches, suspended in rows, so huddled one upon another, that not
more than fourteen inches space was allotted for each with his bed and bedding;
and deprived of the light of the day, as well as of fresh air; breathing
nothing but a noisome atmosphere of the morbid steams exhaling from their own
excrements and diseased bodies, devoured with vermin hatched in the filth that
surrounded them, and destitute of every convenience necessary for people in
that helpless condition.

CHAPTER XXVI

A disagreeable accident happens to me in the discharge of my
office—Morgan’s nose is offended—a dialogue between him and
the Ship’s steward—upon examination, I find more causes of
complaint than one—my hair is cut off—Morgan’s
cookery—the manner of sleeping on board—I am waked in the night by
a dreadful noise

I could not comprehend how it was possible for the attendants to come near those
who hung on the inside towards the sides of the ship, in order to assist them,
as they seemed barricadoed by those who lay on the outside, and entirely out of
the reach of all visitation; much less could I conceive how my friend Thompson
would be able to administer clysters, that were ordered for some, in that
situation; when I saw him thrust his wig in his pocket, and strip himself to
his waistcoat in a moment, then creep on all fours under the hammocks of the
sick, and, forcing up his bare pate between two, keep them asunder with one
shoulder, until he had done his duty. Eager to learn the service, I desired he
would give me leave to perform the next operation of that kind; and he
consenting, I undressed myself after his example, and crawling along, the ship
happened to roll: this motion alarming me, I laid hold of the first thing that
came within my grasp with such violence, that I overturned it, and soon found,
by the smell that issued upon me, that I had unlocked a box of the most
delicious perfume. It was well for me that my nose was none of the most
delicate, else I know not how I might have been affected by this vapour, which
diffused itself all over the ship, to the utter discomposure of everybody who
tarried on the same dock! neither was the consequence of this disgrace confined
to my sense of smelling only; for I felt my misfortune more ways than one. That
I might not, however, appear altogether disconcerted in this my first essay, I
got up, and, pushing my head with great force between two hammocks, towards the
middle, where the greatest resistance was, I made an opening indeed, but, not
understanding the knack of dexterously turning my shoulder to maintain my
advantage, had the mortification to find myself stuck up, as it were, in a
pillory, and the weight of three or four people bearing on each side of my
neck, so that I was in danger of strangulation. While I remained in this
defenceless posture, one of the sick men, rendered peevish by his distemper,
was so enraged at the smell I had occasioned and the rude shock he had received
from me in my elevation, that, with many bitter reproaches, he seized me by the
nose, which he tweaked so unmercifully, that I roared with anguish. Thompson,
perceiving my condition, ordered one of the waiters to my assistance, who, with
much difficulty, disengaged me from this situation, and hindered me from taking
vengeance on the sick man, whose indisposition would not have screened him from
the effects of my indignation.

After having made an end of our ministry for that time, we descended to the
cockpit, my friend comforting me for what had happened with a homely proverb,
which I do not choose to repeat. When we had descended half-way down the
ladder, Mr. Morgan, before he saw us, having intelligence by his nose of the
approach of something extraordinary, cried, “Cot have mercy upon my
senses! I pelieve the enemy has poarded us in a stinkpot!” Then,
directing his discourse to the steward, from whence he imagined the odour
proceeded, he reprimanded him severely for the freedoms he took among gentlemen
of birth, and threatened to smoke him like a padger with sulphur, if ever he
should presume to offend his neighbours with such smells for the future. The
steward, conscious of his own innocence, replied with some warmth, “I
know of no smells but those of your own making.” This repartee introduced
a smart dialogue, in which the Welshman undertook to prove, that, though the
stench he complained of did not flow from the steward’s own body, he was
nevertheless the author of it, by serving out damaged provisions to the
ship’s company; and, in particular, putrified cheese, from the use of
which only, he affirmed, such unsavoury steams could arise. Then he launched
out into the praise of good cheese, of which he gave the analysis; explained
the different kinds of that commodity, with the methods practised to make and
preserve it, concluded in observing, that, in yielding good cheese, the county
of Glamorgan might vie with Cheshire itself, and was much superior to it in the
produce of goats and putter.

I gathered from this conversation, that, if I entered in my present pickle, I
should be no welcome guest, and therefore desired Mr. Thompson to go before,
and represent my calamity; at which the first mate, expressing some concern,
went upon deck immediately, taking his way through the cable-tier and the main
hatchway, to avoid encountering me; desiring me to clean myself as soon as
possible: for he intended to regale himself with a dish of salmagundy and a
pipe. Accordingly, I set about this disagreeable business, and soon found I had
more causes of complaint than I at first imagined; for I perceived some guests
had honoured me with their company, whose visit I did not think seasonable:
neither did they seem inclined to leave me in a hurry, for they were in
possession of my chief quarters, where they fed without reserve at the expense
of my blood. But, considering it would be easier to extirpate the ferocious
colony in the infancy of their settlement, than after they should be multiplied
and naturalised to the soil, I took the advice of my friend, who, to prevent
such misfortunes, went always close shaved, and made the boy of our mess cut
off my hair, which had been growing since I left the service of Lavement; and
the second mate lent me an old bobwig to supply the loss of that covering. This
affair being ended, and everything adjusted in the best manner my circumstances
would permit, the descendant of Caractacus returned, and, ordering the boy to
bring a piece of salt beef from the brine, cut off a slice, and mixed it with
an equal quantity of onions, which seasoning with a moderate proportion of
pepper and salt, he brought it to a consistence with oil and vinegar; then,
tasting the dish, assured us it was the best salmagundy that ever he made, and
recommended it to our palate with such heartiness that I could not help doing
honour to his preparation. But I had no sooner swallowed a mouthful, than I
thought my entrails were scorched, and endeavoured with a deluge of small-beer
to allay the heat it occasioned. Supper being over, Mr. Morgan having smoked a
couple of pipes, and supplied the moisture he had expended with as many cans of
flip, of which we all partook, a certain yawning began to admonish me that it
was high time to repair by sleep the injury I had suffered from want of rest
the preceding night; which being perceived by my companions, whose time of
repose was now arrived, they proposed we should turn in, or in other words, go
to bed. Our hammocks, which hung parallel to one another, on the outside of the
berth, were immediately unlashed, and I beheld my messmates spring with great
agility into their respective nests, where they seemed to lie concealed, very
much at their ease. But it was some time before I could prevail upon myself to
trust my carcase at such a distance from the ground, in a narrow bag, out of
which, I imagined, I should be apt, on the least motion in my sleep, to tumble
down at the hazard of breaking my bones. I suffered myself, however, to be
persuaded, and taking a leap to get in, threw myself quite over, with such
violence, that had I not luckily got hold of Thompson’s hammock, I should
have pitched upon my head on the other side, and in all likelihood fractured my
skull.

After some fruitless efforts, I succeeded at last; but the apprehension of the
jeopardy in which I believed myself withstood all the attacks of sleep till
towards the morning watch, when, in spite of my fears, I was overpowered with
slumber, though I did not long enjoy this comfortable situation, being aroused
with a noise so loud and shrill, that I thought the drums of my ears were burst
by it; this was followed by a dreadful summons pronounced by a hoarse voice,
which I could not understand. While I was debating with myself, whether or not
I should wake my companion and inquire into the occasion of this disturbance, I
was informed by one of the quartermasters who passed by me with a lantern in
his hand, that the noise which alarmed me was occasioned by the
boatswain’s mates who called up the larboard watch, and that I must lay
my account with such an interruption every morning at the same hour. Being now
more assured of my safety, I undressed myself again to rest, and slept till
eight o’clock, when rising, and breakfasting with my comrades on biscuit
and brandy, the sick were visited and assisted as before; after which
visitation my good friend Thompson explained and performed another piece of
duty, to which I was a stranger. At a certain hour in the morning, the boy of
the mess went round all the decks, ringing a small hand-bell, and, in rhymes
composed for the occasion, invited all those who had sores to repair before the
mast, where one of the doctor’s mates attended, with applications to
dress them.

CHAPTER XXVII

I acquire the friendship of the Surgeon, who procures a warrant for me, and
makes me a present of clothes—a battle between a Midshipman and
me—the Surgeon leaves the ship—the Captain comes on board with
another Surgeon—a dialogue between the Captain and Morgan—the sick
are ordered to be brought upon the Quarter-deck and examined—the
consequences of that order—a Madman accuses Morgan, and is set at liberty
by command of the Captain, whom he instantly attacks, and pummels without mercy

While I was busied with my friend in the practice, the doctor chanced to pass
by the place where we were, and stopping to observe me appeared very well
satisfied with my application; and afterwards sent for me to his cabin, where,
having examined me touching my skill in surgery, and the particulars of my
fortune, he interested himself so far in my behalf, as to promise his
assistance in procuring a warrant for me, seeing I had already been found
qualified at Surgeons’ Hall for the station I filled on board; and in
this good office he the more cordially engaged when he understood I was nephew
to lieutenant Bowling, for whom he expressed a particular regard. In the
meantime, I could learn from his discourse that he did not intend to go to sea
again with Captain Oakum, having, as he thought, been indifferently used by him
during the last voyage.

While I lived tolerably easy, in expectation of preferment, I was not
altogether without mortifications, which I not only suffered from the rude
insults of the sailors and petty officers, among whom I was known by the name
of Loblolly Boy, but also from the disposition of Morgan, who, though friendly
in the main, was often very troublesome with his pride, which expected a good
deal of submission from me, and delighted in recapitulating the favours I had
received at his hands.

About six weeks after my arrival on board, the surgeon, bidding me to follow
him into his cabin, presented a warrant to me, by which I was appointed
surgeon’s third mate on board the Thunder. This he had procured by his
interest at the Navy Office; as also another for himself, by virtue of which he
was removed into a second-rate. I acknowledged his kindness in the strongest
terms my gratitude could suggest, and professed my sorrow at the prospect of
losing so valuable a friend, to whom I hoped to have recommended myself still
further, by my respectful and diligent behaviour. But his generosity rested not
here; for before he left the ship he made me a present of a chest and some
clothes that enabled me to support the rank to which he had raised me.

I found my spirit revive with my good fortune; and, now I was an officer,
resolved to maintain the dignity of my station, against all opposition or
affronts; nor was it long before I had occasion to exert my resolution. My old
enemy, the midshipman (whose name was Crampley), entertaining an implacable
animosity against me for the disgrace he had suffered on my account, had since
that time taken all opportunities of reviling and ridiculing me, when I was not
entitled to retort this bad usage; and, even after I had been rated on the
books, and mustered as surgeon’s mate, did not think fit to restrain his
insolence. In particular, being one day present while I dressed a wound in a
sailor’s leg, he began to sing a song, which I thought highly injurious
to the honour of my country, and therefore signified my resentment, by
observing that the Scots always laid their account with finding enemies among
the ignorant, insignificant, and malicious. This unexpected piece of assurance
enraged him to such a degree, that he lent me a blow on the face, which I
verily thought had demolished my cheek-bone. I was not slow in returning the
obligation, and the affair began to be very serious, when by accident Mr.
Morgan, and one of the master’s mates, coming that way, interposed, and,
inquiring into the cause, endeavoured to promote a reconciliation; but, finding
us both exasperated to the uttermost, and bent against accommodation, they
advised us either to leave our difference undecided, till we should have an
opportunity of terminating it on shore, like gentlemen, or else choose a proper
place on board, and bring it to an issue by boxing. The last expedient was
greedily embraced by us both; and, being forthwith conducted to the ground
proposed, we stripped in a moment, and began a furious contest, in which I soon
found myself inferior to my antagonist, not so much in strength and agility, as
in skill, which he had acquired in the school of Hockley-in-the-Hole at
Tottenham-court. Many cross buttocks did I sustain, and pegs on the stomach
without number, till at last my breath being quite gone, as well as my vigour
wasted, I grew desperate, and collecting all my strength in one effort, threw
in at once, head, hands, and feet, with such violence, that I drove my
antagonist three paces backward into the main hatchway, down which he fell, and
pitching upon his head and right shoulder, remained without sense and motion.
Morgan, looking down, and seeing him lie in that condition, cried, “Upon
my conscience, as I am a Christian sinner, (look you,) I believe his pattles
are all ofer; but I take you all to witness that there was no treachery in the
case, and that he has suffered by the chance of war.” So saying he
descended to the deck below, to examine into the situation of my adversary, and
left me very little pleased with my victory, as I found myself not only
terribly bruised, but likewise in danger of being called to account for the
death of Crampley; but this fear vanished when my fellow-mate having, by
bleeding him in the jugular, brought him to himself, and inquired into the
state of his body, called up to me to be under no concern, for the midshipman
had received no other damage than as pretty a luxation of the os humeri as one
would desire to see on a summer’s day. Upon this information I crawled
down to the cock-pit, and acquainted Thompson with the affair, who, providing
himself with bandages, etc, necessary for the occasion, went up to assist Mr.
Morgan in the reduction of the dislocation. When this was successfully
performed, they wished me joy of the event of the combat; and the Welshman,
after observing, that, in all likelihood, the ancient Scots and Britons were
the same people, bade me “praise Cot for putting mettle in my pelly, and
strength in my limbs to support it.” I acquired such reputation by this
rencontre, which lasted twenty minutes, that everybody became more cautious in
behaviour towards me; though Crampley, with his arm in a sling, talked very
high, and threatened to seize the first opportunity of retrieving on shore the
honour he had lost by an accident, from which I could justly claim no merit.

About this time, Captain Oakum, having received sailing orders, came on board,
and brought along with him a surgeon of his own country, who soon made us
sensible of the loss we suffered in the departure of Doctor Atkins; for he was
grossly ignorant, and intolerably assuming, false, vindictive, and unforgiving;
a merciless tyrant to his inferiors, an abject sycophant to those above him. In
the morning after the captain came on board, our first mate, according to
custom, went to wait on him with a sick list, which, when this grim commander
had perused, he cried with a stern countenance, “Blood and cons!
sixty-one sick people on board of my ship! Harkee, you sir, I’ll have no
sick in my ship, by G—d.” The Welshman replied, “he should be
very glad to find no sick people on board: but, while it was otherwise, he did
no more than his duty in presenting him with a list.” “You and your
list may be d—n’d,” said the captain, throwing it at him;
“I say, there shall be no sick in this ship while I have the command of
her.” Mr. Morgan, being nettled at this treatment, told him his
indignation ought to be directed to Cot Almighty, who visited his people with
distempers, and not to him, who contributed all in his power towards their
cure. The bashaw, not being used to such behaviour in any of his officers, was
enraged to fury at this satirical insinuation, and, stamping with his foot,
called him insolent scoundrel, threatening to have him pinioned to the deck, if
he should presume to utter another syllable. But the blood of Caractacus being
thoroughly heated, disdained to be restricted by such a command, and began to
manifest itself in, “Captain Oakum, I am a shentleman of birth and
parentage (look you), and peradventure I am moreover.” Here his harangue
was broken off by the captain’s steward, who, being Morgan’s
countryman, hurried him out of the cabin before he had time to exasperate his
master to a greater degree, and this would certainly have been the case; for
the indignant Welshman could hardly be hindered by his friend’s arguments
and entreaties from re-entering the presence-chamber, and defying Captain Oakum
to his teeth. He was, however appeased at length, and came down to the berth,
where, finding Thompson and me at work preparing medicines, he bade us leave
off our lapour to go to play, for the captain, by his sole word, and power, and
command, had driven sickness a pegging to the tevil, and there was no more
malady on board. So saying, he drank off a gill of brandy,sighed grievously
three times, poured fort an ejaculation of “Cot pless my heart, liver,
and lungs!” and then began to sing a Welsh song with great earnestness of
visage, voice, and gesture. I could not conceive the meaning of this singular
phenomenon, and saw by the looks of Thompson, who at the same time shook his
head, that he suspected poor Cadwallader’s brains were unsettled. He,
perceiving our amazement, told us he would explain the mystery; but at the same
time bade us take notice, that he had lived poy, patchelor, married man, and
widower, almost forty years, and in all that time there was no man, nor
mother’s son in the whole world who durst use him so ill as Captain Oakum
had done. Then he acquainted us with the dialogue that passed between them, as
I have already related it: and had no sooner finished this narration than he
received a message from the surgeon, to bring the sick-list to the
quarter-deck, for the captain had ordered all the patients thither to be
reviewed.

This inhuman order shocked us extremely, as we knew it would be impossible to
carry some of them on the deck, without imminent danger of their lives: but, as
we likewise knew it would be to no purpose for us to remonstrate against it, we
repaired to the quarter-deck in a body, to see this extraordinary muster;
Morgan observing by the way, that the captain was going to send to the other
world a great many evidences to testify against himself. When we appeared upon
deck, the captain bade the doctor, who stood bowing at his right hand, look at
these lazy lubberly sons of bitches, who were good for nothing on board but to
eat the king’s provision, and encourage idleness in the skulkers. The
surgeon grinned approbation, and, taking the list, began to examine the
complaints of each as they could crawl to the place appointed. The first who
came under his cognizance was a poor fellow just freed of a fever, which had
weakened him so much that he could hardly stand. Mr. Mackshane (for that was
the doctor’s name), having felt his pulse, protested he was as well as
any man in the world; and the captain delivered him over to the
boatswain’s mate, with orders that he should receive a round dozen at the
gangway immediately, for counterfeiting himself sick; but, before the
discipline could be executed, the man dropped down on the deck, and had well
nigh perished under the hands of the executioner. The next patient to be
considered, laboured under a quartan ague, and, being then in his interval of
health, discovered no other symptoms of distemper than a pale meagre
countenance and emaciated body; upon which he was declared fit for duty, and
turned over to the boatswain; but, being resolved to disgrace the doctor, died
upon the forecastle next day, during his cold fit. The third complained of a
pleuritic stitch, and spitting of blood, for which Doctor Mackshane prescribed
exercise at the pump to promote expectoration! but whether this was improper
for one in his situation, or that it was used to excess, I know not, but in
less than half-an-hour he was suffocated with a deluge of blood that issued
from his lungs. A fourth, with much difficulty, climbed to the quarter-deck,
being loaded with a monstrous ascites, or dropsy, that invaded his chest so
much, he could scarce fetch his breath; but his disease being interpreted into
fat, occasioned by idleness and excess of eating, he was ordered, with a view
to promote perspiration and enlarge his chest, to go aloft immediately. It was
in vain for this unwieldy wretch to allege his utter incapacity; the
boatswain’s driver was commanded to whip him up with the
cat-o-nine-tails; the smart of this application made him exert himself so
much, that he actually arrived at the puttock shrouds; but when the enormous
weight of his body had nothing else to support than his weakened arms, either
out of spite or necessity, he quitted his hold, and plunged into the sea, where
he must have been drowned, had not a sailor, who was in a boat alongside, saved
his life, by keeping him afloat till he was hoisted on board by a tackle.

It would be tedious and disagreeable to describe the fate of every miserable
object that suffered by the inhumanity and ignorance of the captain and
surgeon, who so wantonly sacrificed the lives of their fellow-creatures. Many
were brought up in the height of fevers, and rendered delirious by the injuries
they received in the way. Some gave up the ghost in the presence of their
inspectors; and others, who were ordered to their duties, languished a few days
at work among their fellows, and then departed without any ceremony. On the
whole, the number of the sick was reduced to less than a dozen; and the authors
of this reduction were applauding themselves for the services they had done to
their king and country, when the boatswain’s mate informed his honour,
that there was a man below lashed to his hammock, by direction of the
doctor’s mate, and that he begged hard to be released; affirming, he had
been so maltreated only for a grudge Mr. Morgan bore him, and that he was as
much in his senses as any man aboard. The captain hearing this, darted a severe
look at the Welshman, and ordered the man to be brought up immediately; upon
which, Morgan protested with great fervency, that the person in question was as
mad as a March hare; and begged for the love of Cot, they would at least keep
his arms pinioned during his examination, to prevent him from doing mischief.
This request the commander granted for his own sake, and the patient was
produced, who insisted upon his being in his right wits with such calmness and
strength of argument, that everybody present was inclined to believe him,
except Morgan, who affirmed there was no trusting to appearances; for he
himself had been so much imposed upon by his behaviour two days before, that he
had actually unbound him with his own hands, and had well nigh been murdered
for his pains: this was confirmed by the evidence of one of the waiters, who
declared he had pulled this patient from the doctor’s mate, whom he had
gotten down, and almost strangled. To this the man answered, that the witness
was a creature of Morgan’s, and suborned to give his testimony against
him by the malice of the mate, whom the defendant had affronted, by discovering
to the people on board, that Mr. Morgan’s wife kept a gin-shop in
Ragfair. This anecdote produced a laugh at the expense of the Welshman, who,
shaking his head with some emotion, said, “Ay, ay, ’tis no matter.
Cot knows, it is an arrant falsehood.” Captain Oakum, without any farther
hesitation, ordered the fellow to be unfettered; at the same time, threatening
to make Morgan exchange situations with him for his spite; but the Briton no
sooner heard the decision in favour of the madman, than he got up to the
mizen-shrouds, crying to Thompson and me to get out of his reach, for we should
see him play the devil with a vengeance. We did not think fit to disregard his
caution, and accordingly got up on the poop, whence we beheld the maniac (as
soon as he was released) fly at the captain like a fury, crying,
“I’ll let you know, you scoundrel, that I am commander of this
vessel,” and pummel him without mercy. The surgeon, who went to the
assistance of his patron, shared the same fate; and it was with the utmost
difficulty that he was mastered at last, after having done great execution
among those who opposed him.

CHAPTER XXVIII

The Captain enraged, threatens to put the Madman to death with his own
hand—is diverted from that resolution by the arguments and persuasion of
the first Lieutenant and Surgeon—we set sail for St. Helen’s, join
the fleet under the command of Sir C— O—gle, and proceed for the
West Indies—are overtaken by a terrible tempest—my friend Jack
Rattlin has his leg broke by a fall from the mainyard—the behaviour of
Mr. Mackshane—Jack opposes the amputation of his limb, in which he is
seconded by Morgan and me, we undertake the cure and perform it successfully

The captain was carried into his cabin, so enraged with the treatment he had
received, that he ordered the fellow to be brought before him, that he might
have the pleasure of pistoling him with his own hand; and would certainly have
satisfied his revenge in this manner, had not the first lieutenant remonstrated
against it, by observing that, in all appearances, the fellow was not mad, but
desperate; that he had been hired by some enemy of the captain’s to him,
and therefore ought to be kept in irons till he could be brought to a
court-martial, which, no doubt, would sift the affair to the bottom (by which
means important discoveries might be made), and then sentence the criminal to a
death according to his demerits. This suggestion, improbable as it was, had the
desired effect upon the captain, being exactly calculated for the meridan of
his intellects; more especially as Dr. Mackshane espoused this opinion, in
consequence of his previous declaration that the man was not mad. Morgan
finding there was no more damage done, could not help discovering by his
countenance the pleasure he enjoyed on this occasion; and, while he bathed the
doctor’s face with an embrocation, ventured to ask him, whether he
thought there were more fools or madmen on board? But he would have been wiser
in containing this sally, which his patient carefully laid up in his memory, to
be taken notice of at a more fit season. Meanwhile we weighed anchor, and, on
our way to the Downs, the madman, who was treated as a prisoner, took an
opportunity, while the sentinel attending him was at the head, to leap and
frustrate the revenge of the captain. We stayed not long at the Downs, but took
the benefit of the first easterly wind to go round to Spithead: where, having
received provisions on board for six months, we sailed from St. Helen’s
in the grand fleet bound for the West Indies, on the ever-memorable expedition
of Carthagena.

It was not without great mortification I saw myself on the point of being
transported to such a distant and unhealthy climate, destitute of every
convenience that could render such a voyage supportable, and under the dominion
of an arbitrary tyrant, whose command was almost intolerable; however, as these
complaints were common to a great many on board, I resolved to submit patiently
to my fate, and contrive to make myself as easy as the nature of the case would
allow. We got out of the channel with a prosperous breeze, which died away,
leaving us becalmed about fifty leagues to the westward of the Lizard: but this
state of inaction did not last long; for next night our maintop-sail was split
by the wind, which, in the morning, increased to a hurricane. I was awakened by
a most horrible din, occasioned by the play of the gun carriages upon the decks
above, the cracking of cabins, the howling of the wind through the shrouds, the
confused noise of the ship’s crew, the pipes of the boatswain and his
mates, the trumpets of the lieutenants, and the clanking of the chain pumps.
Morgan who had never been at sea before, turned out in a great hurry, crying,
“Cot have mercy and compassion upon us! I believe, we have cot upon the
confines of Lucifer and the d—n’d!” while poor Thompson lay
quaking in his hammock, putting up petitions to heaven for our safety. I rose
and joined the Welshman, with whom (after having fortified ourselves with
brandy) I went above; but if my sense of hearing was startled before, how must
my sight have been apalled in beholding the effects of the storm! The sea was
swelled into billows mountain-high, on the top of which our ship sometimes hung
as if it were about to be precipitated to the abyss below! Sometimes we sank
between two waves that rose on each side higher than our topmast-head, and
threatened by dashing together to overwhelm us in a moment! Of all our fleet,
consisting of a hundred and fifty sail, scarce twelve appeared, and these
driving under their bare poles, at the mercy of the tempest. At length the mast
of one of them gave way, and tumbled overboard with a hideous crash! Nor was
the prospect in our own ship much more agreeable; a number of officers and
sailors ran backward and forward with distraction in their looks, halloaing to
one another, and undetermined what they should attend to first. Some clung to
the yards, endeavouring to unbend the sails that were split into a thousand
pieces flapping in the wind; others tried to furl those which were yet whole,
while the masts, at every pitch, bent and quivered like twigs, as if they would
have shivered into innumerable splinters! While I considered this scene with
equal terror and astonishment, one of the main braces broke, by the shock
whereof two sailors were flung from the yard’s arm into the sea, where
they perished, and poor Jack Rattlin thrown down upon the deck, at the expense
of a broken leg. Morgan and I ran immediately to his assistance, and found a
splinter of the shin-bone thrust by the violence of the fall through the skin;
as this was a case of too great consequence to be treated without the authority
of the doctor I went down to his cabin to inform him of the accident, as well
as to bring up dressings which we always kept ready prepared. I entered his
apartment without any ceremony, and, by the glimmering of a lamp, perceived him
on his knees before something that very much resembled a crucifix; but this I
will not insist upon, that I may not seem too much a slave to common report,
which indeed assisted my conjecture on this occasion, by representing Dr.
Mackshane as a member of the church of Rome. Be this as it will, he got up in a
sort of confusion, occasioned (I suppose) by his being disturbed in his
devotion, and in a trice snatched the subject of my suspicion from my sight.

After making an apology for my intrusion, I acquainted him with the situation
of Rattlin, but could by no means prevail upon him to visit him on deck, where
he lay; he bade me desire the boatswain to order some of the men to carry him
down to the cockpit, “and in the meantime,” said he, “I will
direct Thompson to get ready the dressings.” When I signified to the
boatswain the doctor’s desire, he swore a terrible oath, that he could
not spare one man from deck, because he expected the mast would go by the board
every minute. This piece of information did not at all contribute to my peace
of mind; however, as my friend Rattlin complained very much, with the
assistance of Morgan I supported him to the lower deck, whither Mr. Mackshane,
after much entreaty, ventured to come, attended by Thompson, with a box full of
dressings, and his own servant, who carried a whole set of capital instruments.
He examined the fracture and the wound, and concluding, from a livid colour
extending itself upon the limb, that mortification would ensue, resolved to
amputate the leg immediately. This was a dreadful sentence to the patient, who,
recruiting himself with a quid of tobacco, pronounced with a woful countenance,
“What! is there no remedy, doctor! must I be dock’d? can’t
you splice it?” “Assuredly, Doctor Mackshane,” said the first
mate, “with submission, and deference, and veneration, to your superior
apilities, and opportunities, and stations, look you, I do apprehend, and
conjure, and aver, that there is no occasion nor necessity to smite off this
poor man’s leg.” “God Almighty bless you, dear
Welshman!” cried Rattlin, “may you have fair wind and weather
wheresoever you’re bound, and come to an anchor in the road of heaven at
last!” Mackshane, very much incensed at his mate’s differing in
opinion from him, so openly, answered, that he was not bound to give an account
of his practice to him; and in a peremptory tone, ordered him to apply the
tourniquet. At the sight of which, Jack, starting up, cried, “Avast,
avast! D—n my heart, if you clap your nippers on me, till I know
wherefore! Mr. Random, won’t you lend a hand towards saving my precious
limb! Odd’s heart, if Lieutenant Bowling was here, he would not suffer
Jack Rattlin’s leg to be chopped off like a piece of old junk.”

This pathetic address to me, joined to my inclination to serve my honest
friend, and the reasons I had to believe there was no danger in delaying the
amputation, induced me to declare myself of the first mate’s opinion, and
affirm that the preternatural colour of the skin was owing to an inflammation,
occasioned by a contusion, and common in all such cases, without any indication
of an approaching gangrene. Morgan, who had a great opinion of my skill,
manifestly exulted in my fellowship, and asked Thompson’s sentiments in
the matter, in hopes of strengthening our association with him too; but he,
being of a meek disposition, and either dreading the enmity of the surgeon, or
speaking the dictates of his own judgment, in a modest manner espoused the
opinion of Mackshane, who by this time having consulted with himself,
determined to act in such a manner as to screen himself from censure, and at
the same time revenge himself on us, for our arrogance in contradicting him.
With this view, he asked if we would undertake to cure the leg at our peril:
that is, be answerable for the consequence. To this question, Morgan replied,
that the lives of his creatures are at the hands of Cot alone; and it would be
great presumption in him to undertake for an event that was in the power of his
Maker, no more than the doctor could promise to cure all the sick to whom he
administered his assistance; but if the patient would put himself under our
direction, we would do our endeavour to bring his distemper to a favourable
issue, to which at present we saw no obstruction.

I signified my concurrence; and Rattlin was so overjoyed that, shaking us both
by the hands, he swore nobody else should touch him, and, if he died, his blood
should be upon his own head. Mr. Mackshane, flattering himself with the
prospect of our miscarriage, went away, and left us to manage it as we should
think proper; accordingly, having sawed off part of the splinter that stuck
through the skin, we reduced the fracture, dressed the wound, applied the
eighteen-tailed bandage, and put the leg in a box, secundam artem. Everything
succeeded according to our wish, and we had the satisfaction of not only
preserving the poor fellow’s leg, but likewise of rendering the doctor
contemptible among the ship’s company, who had all their eyes on us
during the course of this cure, which was completed in six weeks.

CHAPTER XXIX

Mackshane’s malice—I am taken up and imprisoned for a
spy—Morgan meets with the same fate—Thompson is tampered with to
turn evidence against us—disdains the proposal, and is maltreated for his
integrity—Morgan is released to assist the Surgeon during an engagement
with some French ships-of-war—I remain fettered on the poop, exposed to
the enemy’s shot, and grow delirious with fear—am comforted after
the battle by Morgan, who speaks freely of the captain, is overheard by the
sentinel, who informs against him, and again imprisoned—Thompson grows
desperate, and, notwithstanding the remonstrances of Morgan and me, goes
overboard in the night

In the meantime the storm subsided into a brisk gale, that carried us into the
warm latitudes, where the weather became intolerable, and the crew very sickly.
The doctor left nothing unattempted towards the completion of his vengeance
against the Welshman and me. He went among the sick under pretence of inquiring
into their grievances, with a view of picking up complaints to our prejudice;
but, finding himself frustrated in that expectation by the goodwill we had
procured from the patients by our diligence and humanity, he took the
resolution of listening to our conversation, by hiding himself behind the
canvas that surrounded our berth; here too he was detected by the boy of our
mess, who acquainted us with this piece of behaviour, and one night, while we
were picking a large bone of salt beef, Morgan discerned something stir on the
outside of our hangings, which immediately interpreting to be the doctor, he
tipped me the wink, and pointed to the place, where I could perceive somebody
standing; upon which, I snatched up the bone, and levelled it with all my force
at him, saying, “Whoever you are, take that for your curiosity.” It
had the desired effect, for we heard the listener tumble down, and afterwards
crawl to his own cabin. I applauded myself much for this feat, which turned out
one of the most unlucky exploits of my life, Mackshane, from that time, marking
me out for destruction.

About a week after this exploit, as I was going my rounds among the sick, I was
taken prisoner, and carried to the poop by the master-at-arms, where I was
loaded with irons, and stapled to the deck, on pretence that I was a spy on
board, and had conspired against the captain’s life. How ridiculous
soever this imputation was, I did not fail to suffer by it all the rigour that
could be shown to the worst of criminals, being exposed in this miserable
condition to the scorching heat of the sun by day, and the unwholesome damps by
night, during the space of twelve days, in which I was neither brought to
trial, nor examined touching the probability of the charge. I had no sooner
recovered the use of my reflection, which had been quite overthrown by this
accident, than I sent for Thompson, who, after condoling me on the occasion,
hinted, that I owed this misfortune to the hatred of the doctor, who had given
an information against me to the captain, in consequence of which I was
arrested, and all my papers seized. While I was cursing my capricious fate, I
saw Morgan ascend the poop, guarded by two corporals, who made him sit down by
me, that he might be pinioned in the same machine. Notwithstanding my
situation, I could scarce refrain from laughing at the countenance of my fellow
prisoner, who, without speaking one word, allowed his feet to be inclosed in
the rings provided for that purpose; but, when they pretended to fasten him on
his back he grew outrageous, and drawing a large couteau from his side-pocket,
threatened to rip up the belly of the first man that should approach him, in
order to treat him in such an unworthy manner. They were prepared to use him
very roughly, when the lieutenant on the quarter-deck called up to them to let
him remain as he was. He then crept towards me, and, taking me by the hand,
bade me “put my trust in Cot.” And looking at Thompson, who sat by
us trembling, with a pale visage; told him there were two more rings for his
feet, and he should be glad to find him in such good company. But it was not
the intention of our adversary to include the second mate in our fate: him he
expected to be his drudge in attending the sick and, if possible, his evidence
against us: with this view he sounded him afar off, but, finding his integrity
incorruptible, harrassed him so much out of spite, that in a short time this
mild creature grew weary of his life.

While I and my fellow prisoner comforted each other in our tribulation, the
admiral discovered four sail to leeward and made signal for our ship and four
more to chase: hereupon everything was cleared for an engagement, and
Mackshane, foreseeing he should have occasion for more assistants than one
obtained Morgan’s liberty, while I was let in this deplorable posture to
the chance of battle. It was almost dark when we came up with the sternmost
chase, which we hailed, and inquired who they were. They gave us to understand
they were French men-of-war, upon which Captain Oakum commanded them to send
their boat on board of him! but they refused, telling him, if he had any
business with them, to come on board of their ship: he then threatened to pour
in a broadside upon them, which they promised to retain. Both sides were as
good as their word, and the engagement began with great fury. The reader may
guess how I passed my time, lying in this helpless situation, amidst the
terrors of a sea-fight; expecting every moment to be cut asunder, or dashed in
pieces by the enemy’s shot! I endeavoured to compose myself as much as
possible, by reflecting that I was not a whit more exposed than those who were
stationed about me; but, when I beheld them employed without intermission in
annoying the foe, and encouraged by the society and behaviour of one another, I
could easily perceive a wide difference between their condition and mine:
however, I concealed my agitation as well as I could till the head of the
officer of marines who stood near me, being shot off, bounced from the deck
athwart my face, leaving me well nigh blinded with brains. I could contain
myself no longer, but began to bellow with all the strength of my lungs; when a
drummer, coming towards me asked if I was wounded, and, before I could answer,
received a great shot in his belly, which tore out his entrails, and he fell
flat on my breast. This accident entirely bereft me of all discretion; I
redoubled my cries, which were drowned in the noise of the battle; and, finding
myself disregarded, lost all patience, and became frantic. I vented my rage in
oaths and execrations, till my spirits, being quite exhausted, I remained
quiet, as insensible of the load that oppressed me.

The engagement lasted till broad day, when Captain Oakum, finding he was like
to gain neither honour nor advantage by the affair, pretended to be undeceived
by seeing their colours; and, hailing the ship whom he had fought all night,
protested he believed them Spaniards; and the guns being silenced on each side,
ordered the barge to be hoisted out, and went on board the French commodore.
Our loss amounted to ten killed, and eighteen wounded, most part of whom
afterwards died. My fellow-mates had no sooner despatched their business in the
cock-pit, than, full of friendly concern, they came to visit me. Morgan,
ascending first, and seeing my face almost covered with brains and blood,
concluded I was no longer a man for this world; and, calling to Thompson with
great emotion, bade him come up, and take his last farewell of his comrade and
countryman, who was posted to a better place, where there were no Mackshanes
nor Oakums to asperse and torment him. “No,” said he, taking me by
the hand, “you are going to a country where there is more respect sown to
unfortunate shentlemen, and where you will have the satisfaction of peholding
your adversaries tossing upon pillows of purning primstone.” Thompson,
alarmed at this apostrophe, made haste to the place where I lay, and sitting
down by me, with tears in his eyes inquired into the nature of my calamity. By
this time I had recollected myself so far as to be able to converse rationally
with my friends, whom, to their great satisfaction, I immediately undeceived
with regard to their apprehension of my being mortally wounded.

After I had got myself disengaged from the carnage in which I wallowed, and
partaken of a refreshment which my friends brought along with them, we entered
into discourse upon the hardships we sustained, and spoke very freely of the
author of our misery; but our discourse being overheard by the sentinel who
guarded me, he was no sooner relieved than he reported to the captain every
syllable of our conversation, according to the orders he had received. The
effect of this information soon appeared in the arrival of the master-at-arms,
who replaced Morgan in his former station, and gave the second mate a caution
to keep a strict guard over his tongue, if he did not choose to accompany us in
our confinement. Thompson, foreseeing that the whole slavery of attending the
sick and wounded, as well as the cruelty of Mackshane, must now fall upon his
shoulders, grew desperate at the prospect, and, though I never heard him swear
before, imprecated dreadful curses on the heads of his oppressors, declaring
that he would rather quit life altogether than be much longer under the power
of such barbarians. I was not a little startled at his vivacity, and
endeavoured to alleviate his complaints, by representing the subject of my own,
with as much aggravation as it would bear, by which comparison he might see the
balance of misfortune lay on my side, and take an example from me of fortitude
and submission, till such time as we could procure redress, which I hoped was
not far off, considering that we should probably be in a harbour in less than
three days, where we should have an opportunity of preferring our complaints to
the admiral. The Welshman joined in my remonstrance, and was at great pains to
demonstrate that it was every man’s duty as well as interest to resign
himself to the divine will, and look upon himself as a sentinel upon duty, who
is by no means at liberty to leave his post before he is relieved. Thompson
listened attentively to what he said, and at last, shedding a flood of tears,
shook his hand, and left us without making any reply. About eleven at night he
came to see us again with a settled gloom on his countenance, and gave us to
understand that he had undergone excessive toil since he saw us, and in
recompense had been grossly abused by the doctor, who taxed him with being
confederate with us, in a design of taking away his life and that of the
captain. After some time spent in mutual exhortation, he got up, and squeezing
me by the hand with uncommon fervour, cried, “God bless you both!”
and left us to wonder at his singular manner of parting with us, which did not
fail to make a deep impression on us both.

Next morning, when the hour of visitation came round, the unhappy young man was
missing, and, after strict search, supposed to have gone overboard in the
night; and this was certainly the case.

CHAPTER XXX

We lament the fate of our companion—the Captain offers Morgan his
liberty, which he refuses to accept—we are brought before him and
examined—Morgan is sent back into custody, whither also I am remanded
after a curious trial

The news of this event affected my fellow prisoner and me extremely, as our
unfortunate companion had justly acquired by his amiable disposition the love
and esteem of us both; and the more we regretted his untimely fate, the greater
horror we conceived for the villain who was undoubtedly the occasion of it.
This abandoned miscreant did not discover the least symptom of concern for
Thompson’s death, although he must have been conscious to himself of
having driven him by ill usage to the fatal resolution, but desired the captain
to set Morgan at liberty again to look after the patients. Accordingly one of
the corporals was sent up to unfetter him, but he protested he would not be
released until he should know for what he was confined; nor would he be a
tennisball, nor a shuttlecock, nor a trudge, nor a scullion, to any captain
under the sun. Oakum, finding him obstinate, and fearing it would not be in his
power to exercise his tyranny much longer with impunity, was willing to show
some appearance of justice and therefore ordered us both to be brought before
him on the quarter-deck, where he sat in state, with his cleric on one side,
and his counsellor Mackshane on the other. When we approached, he honoured us
with this salutation: “So, gentlemen, d—n my blood! many a captain
in the navy would have ordered you both to be tucked up to the yard’s
arm, without either judge or jury, for the crimes you have been guilty of; but,
d—n my blood, I have too much good nature in allowing such dogs as you to
make defence.” “Captain Oakum,” said my fellow-sufferer,
“certainly it is in your power (Cot help the while) to tack us all up at
your will, desire, and pleasures. And perhaps it would be petter for some of us
to be tucked up than to undergo the miseries to which we have been exposed. So
may the farmer hang his kids for his diversion, and amusement, and mirth; but
there is such a thing as justice, if not upon earth, surely in heaven, that
will punish with fire and primstone all those who take away the lives of
innocent people out of wantonness, and parparity (look you). In the mean time.
I shall be glad to know the crimes laid to my charge, and see the person who
accuses me.” “That you shall,” said the captain; “here,
doctor, what have you to say?” Mackshane, stepping forward, hemmed a good
while, in order to clear his throat, and, before he began, Morgan accosted him
thus: “Doctor Mackshane, look in my face—look in the face of an
honest man, who abhors a false witness as he abhors the tevil, and Cot be judge
between you and me.” The doctor, not minding this conjuration, made the
following speech, as near as I can remember: “I’ll tell you what,
Mr. Morgan; to be sure what you say is just, in regard to an honest man, and if
so be it appears as how you are an honest man, then it is my opinion that you
deserve to be acquitted, in relation to that there affair, for I tell you what,
Captain Oakum is resolved for to do everybody justice. As for my own part, all
that I have to allege is, that I have been informed you have spoken
disrespectful words against your captain, who, to be sure, is the most
honourable and generous commander in the king’s service, without
asparagement or acception of man, woman, or child.”

Having uttered this elegant harangue, on which he seemed to plume himself,
Morgan replied, “I do partly guess, and conceive, and understand your
meaning, which I wish could be more explicit; but, however, I do suppose, I am
not to be condemned upon bare hearsay; or, if I am convicted of speaking
disrespectfully of Captain Oakum, I hope there is no treason in my
words.” “But there’s mutiny, by G—d, and that’s
death by the articles of war!” cried Oakum: “In the meantime, let
the witnesses be called.” Hereupon Mackshane’s servant appeared,
and the boy of our mess, whom they had seduced and tutored for the purpose. The
first declared, that Morgan as he descended the cockpit-ladder one day, cursed
the captain, and called him a savage beast, saying, he ought to be hunted down
as an enemy to mankind. “This,” said the clerk, “is a strong
presumption of a design, formed against the captain’s life. For why? It
presupposes malice aforethought, and a criminal intention a priori.”
“Right,” said the captain to this miserable grub, who had been an
attorney’s boy, “you shall have law enough: here’s Cook and
Littlejohn to it.” This evidence was confirmed by the boy, who affirmed,
he heard the first mate say, that the captain had no more bowels than a bear,
and the surgeon had no more brain than an ass. Then the sentinel, who heard our
discourse on the poop was examined, and informed the court that the Welshman
assured me, Captain Oakum and Doctor Mackshane would toss upon billows of
burning brimstone in hell for their barbarity. The clerk observed, that there
was an evident prejudication, which confirmed the former suspicion of a
conspiracy against the life of Captain Oakum; for, because, how could Morgan so
positively pronounce that the captain and surgeon would d—n’d,
unless he had intention to make away with them before they could have time to
repent? This sage explanation had great weight with our noble commander, who
exclaimed, “What have you to say to this, Taffy? you seem to be taken all
a-back, brother, ha!” Morgan was too much of a gentleman to disown the
text, although he absolutely denied the truth of the comment. Upon which the
captain, strutting up to him with a ferocious countenance, said, “So Mr.
son of a bitch, you confess you honoured me with the names of bear and beast,
and pronounced my damnation? D—n my heart! I have a good mind to have you
brought to a court-martial and hang’d, you dog.” Here Mackshane,
having occasion for an assistant, interposed, and begged the captain to pardon
Mr. Morgan with his wonted goodness, upon condition that he the delinquent
should make such submission as the nature of his misdemeanour demanded. Upon
which the Cambro-Briton, who on this occasion would have made no submission to
the Great Mogul, surrounded with his guards, thanked the doctor for his
mediation, and acknowledged himself in the wrong for calling the image of Cot a
peast, “but,” said he, “I spoke by metaphor, and parable, and
comparison, and types; as we signify meekness by a lamb, lechery by a goat, and
craftiness by a fox; so we liken ignorance to an ass, and brutality to a bear,
and fury to a tiger; therefore I made use of these similes to express my
sentiments (look you), and what I said before Cot, I will not unsay before man
nor peast neither.”

Oakum was so provoked at this insolence (as he termed it,) that he ordered him
forthwith to be carried to the place of his confinement, and his clerk to
proceed on the examination of me. The first question put to me was touching the
place of my nativity, which I declared to be the north of Scotland. “The
north of Ireland more like!” cried the captain; “but we shall bring
you up presently.” He then asked what religion I professed; and when I
answered “the Protestant,” swore I was an arrant Roman as ever went
to mass. “Come, come, clerk,” continued he, “catechise him a
little on this subject.” But before I relate the particulars of the
clerk’s inquiries, it will not be amiss to inform the reader that our
commander himself was an Hibernian, and, if not shrewdly belied, a Roman
Catholic to boot. “You say, you are a Protestant,” said the clerk;
“make the sign of the cross with your finger, so, and swear upon it to
that affirmation.” When I was about to perform the ceremony, the captain
cried with some emotion, “No, no, d—me! I’ll have no
profanation neither. But go on with your interrogations.” “Well
then,” proceeded my examiner, “how many sacraments are
there?” To which I replied, “Two.” “What are
they?” said he. I answered, “Baptism and the Lord’s
Supper.” “And so you would explode confirmation and marriage
altogether?” said Oakum. “I thought this fellow was a rank
Roman.” The clerk, though he was bred under an attorney, could not
refrain from blushing at this blunder, which he endeavoured to conceal, by
observing, that these decoys would not do with me, who seemed to be an old
offender. He went on with asking, if I believed in transubstantiation; but I
treated the notion of real presence with such disrespect, that his patron was
scandalised at my impiety, and commanded him to proceed to the plot. Whereupon
this miserable pettifogger told me, there was great reason to suspect me of
being a spy on board, and that I had entered into a conspiracy with Thompson,
and others not yet detected, against the life of Captain Oakum, which
accusation they pretended to support by the evidence of our boy, who declared
he had often heard the deceased Thompson and me whispering together, and could
distinguish the words, “Oakum, rascal, poison, pistol;” by which
expressions it appeared, we did intend to use sinister means to accomplish his
destruction. That the death of Thompson seemed to confirm this conjecture, who,
either feeling the stings of remorse for being engaged in such a horrid
confederacy, or fearing a discovery, by which he must have infallibly suffered
an ignominious death, had put a fatal period to his own existence. But what
established the truth of the whole was, a book in cyphers found among my
papers, which exactly tallied with one found in his chest, after his
disappearance. This, he observed, was a presumption very near positive proof,
and would determine any jury in Christendom to find me guilty. In my own
defence, I alleged, that I had been dragged on board at first very much against
my inclination, as I could prove by the evidence of some people now in the
ship, consequently could have no design of becoming spy at that time; and ever
since had been entirely out of the reach of any correspondence that could
justly entail that suspicion upon me. As for conspiring against my
captain’s life, it could not be supposed that any man in his right wits
would harbour the least thought of such an undertaking, which he could not
possibly perform without certain infamy and ruin to himself, even if he had all
the inclination in the world. That, allowing the boy’s evidence to be
true (which I affirmed was false and malicious), nothing conclusive could be
gathered from a few incoherent words; neither was the fate of Mr. Thompson a
circumstance more favourable for the charge; for I had in my pocket a letter
which too well explained that mystery, in a very different manner from that
which was supposed. With these words, I produced the following letter, which
Jack Rattlin brought to me the very day after Thompson disappeared; and told me
it was committed to his care by the deceased, who made him promise not to
deliver it sooner. The clerk, taking it out of my hand, read aloud the
contents, which were these;

‘Dear Friend,—I am so much oppressed with the fatigue I daily and
nightly undergo, and the barbarous usage of Doctor Mackshane, who is bent on
your destruction as well as mine, that I am resolved to free myself from this
miserable life, and, before you receive this, shall be no more. I could have
wished to die in your good opinion, which I am afraid I shall forfeit by the
last act of my life; but, if you cannot acquit me, I know you will at least
preserve some regard for the memory of an unfortunate young man who loved you.
I recommend it to you, to beware of Mackshane, whose revenge is implacable. I
wish all prosperity to you and Mr. Morgan, to whom pray offer my last respects,
and beg to be remembered as your unhappy friend and countryman,

‘William Thompson.’

This letter was no sooner read, than Mackshane, in a transport of rage,
snatched it out of the clerk’s hands, and tore it into a thousand pieces,
saying, it was a villainous forgery, contrived and executed by myself. The
captain and clerk declared themselves of the same opinion, although I insisted
of having the remains of it compared with other writings of Thompson, which
they had in their possession; and I was ordered to answer the last article of
my accusation, namely, the book of ciphers found among my papers. “That
is easily done,” said I. “What you are pleased to call ciphers, are
no other than the Greek characters, in which, for my amusement, I keep a diary
of everything remarkable that has occurred to my observation since the
beginning of the voyage, till the day in which I was put in irons; and the same
method was practised by Mr. Thompson, who copied mine.” “A very
likely story,” cried Mackshane; “what occasion was there for using
Greek characters, if you were not afraid of discovering what you had wrote? But
what d’ye talk of Greek characters? D’ye think I am so ignorant of
the Greek language, as not to distinguish its letters from these, which are no
more Greek than Chinese? No, no, I will not give up my knowledge of the Greek
for you, nor none that ever came from your country.” So saying, with an
unparalleled effrontery, he repeated some gibberish, which by the sound seemed
to be Irish, and made it pass for Greek with the captain, who, looking at me
with a contemptuous sneer, exclaimed, “Ah, ah! have you caught a
tartar?” I could not help smiling at the consummate assurance of this
Hibernian, and offered to refer the dispute to anybody on board who understood
the Greek alphabet. Upon which Morgan was brought back, and, being made
acquainted with the affair, took the book, and read a whole page in English,
without hesitation, deciding the controversy in my favour. The doctor was so
far from being out of countenance at this detection, that he affirmed Morgan
was in the secret, and repeated from his own invention. Oakum said, “Ay,
ay, I see they are both in a story;” and dismissed my fellow-mate to his
cockloft, although I proposed that he and I should read and translate,
separately, any chapter or verse in the Greek Testament in his possession, by
which it would appear whether we or the surgeon spoke truth. Not being endued
with eloquence enough to convince the captain that there could be no juggle nor
confederacy in this expedient, I begged to be examined by some unconcerned
person on board, who understood Greek. Accordingly, the whole ship’s
company, officers and all, were called upon deck, among whom it was proclaimed
that, if anyone of them could speak Greek, he or they so qualified should
ascend the quarter-deck immediately. After some pause, two foremast men came
up, and professed their skill in that language, which, they said, they acquired
during several voyages to the Levant, among the Greeks of the Morea. The
captain exulted much in this declaration, and put my journal book into the
hands of one of them, who candidly owned he could neither read nor write; the
other acknowledged the same degree of ignorance, but pretended to speak the
Greek lingo with any man on board; and, addressing himself to me, pronounced
some sentences of a barbarous corrupted language, which I did not understand. I
asserted that the modern Greek was as different from that spoken and written by
the ancients, as the English used now from the old Saxon spoke in the time of
Hengist: and, as I had only learned the true original tongue, in which Homer,
Pindar, the Evangelists, and other great men of antiquity wrote, it could not
be supposed that I should know anything of an imperfect Gothic dialect that
rose on the ruins of the former, and scarce retained any traces of the old
expression: but, if Doctor Mackshane, who pretended to be master of the Greek
language, could maintain a conversation with these seamen, I would retract what
I had said, and be content to suffer any punishment be should think proper to
inflict. I had no sooner uttered these words than the surgeon, knowing one of
the fellows to be his countryman, accosted him in Irish, and was answered in
the same brogue; then a dialogue ensued between them, which they affirmed to be
in Greek, after having secured the secrecy of the other tar, who had his cue in
the language of the Morea, from his companion, before they would venture to
assert such an intrepid falsehood. “I thought,” said Oakum,
“we should discover the imposture at last. Let the rascal be carried back
to his confinement. I find he must dangle.” Having nothing further to
urge in my own behalf, before a court so prejudiced with spite, and fortified
with ignorance against truth, I suffered myself to be reconducted peaceably to
my fellow-prisoner, who, hearing the particulars of my trial, lifted up his
hands and eyes to Heaven, and uttered a dreadful groan: and, not daring to
disburden his thoughts to me by speech, lest he might be overheard by the
sentinel, burst forth into a Welsh song, which he accompanied with a thousand
contortions of face and violent gestures of body.

CHAPTER XXXI

I discover a subornation against me, by means of a quarrel between two of the
evidences; in consequence of which I am set at liberty, and prevail upon Morgan
to accept of his freedom on the same terms—Mackshane’s
malice—we arrive at Jamaica, from whence in a short time we beat up to
Hispaniola, in conjunction with the West India squadron—we take in water,
sail again, and arrive at Carthagena—Reflections on our conduct there

Meanwhile, a quarrel happening between the two modern Greeks, the one, to be
revenged of the other, came and discovered to us the mystery of
Mackshane’s dialogue, as I have explained it above. This detection coming
to the ears of the doctor, who was sensible that (now we were in sight of
Jamaica) we should have an opportunity of clearing ourselves before a
court-martial, and, at the same time, of making his malice and ignorance
conspicuous, he interceded for us with the captain so effectually, that in a
few hours we were set at liberty, and ordered to return to our duty. This was a
happy event for me, my whole body being blistered by the sun, and my limbs
benumbed by want of motion: but I could scarce persuade the Welshman to accept
of this indulgence, he persisted in his obstinacy to remain in irons, until he
should be discharged by a court-martial, which, he believed would also do him
justice on his enemies. At length I represented to him the precarious issue of
a trial, the power and interest of his adversaries, and flattered his revenge
with the hope of wreaking his resentment with his own hands upon Mackshane
after our return to England. This last argument had more weight with him than
all the rest, and prevailed upon him to repair with me to the cockpit, which I
no sooner entered, than the idea of my departed friend presented itself to my
remembrance, and filled my eyes with tears. We discharged from our mess the boy
who had acted so perfidiously, notwithstanding his tears, intreaties, and of
penitence for what he had done; but not before he had confessed that the
surgeon had bribed him to give evidence against us, with a pair of stockings
and a couple of old check shirts, of which his servant had since plundered him.

The keys of our chests and lockers being sent to us by the doctor, we detained
the messenger until we had examined the contents; and my fellow-mate, finding
all his Cheshire cheese consumed to a crust, his brandy exhausted, and his
onions gone, was seized with a fit of choler, which he discharged on
Mackshane’s man in oaths and execrations, threatening to prosecute him as
a thief. The fellow swore in his turn, that he never had the keys in his
possession till that time, when he received them from his master with orders to
deliver them to us. “As Cot is my judge,” cried Morgan, “and
my salfation, and my witness; whosoever has pilfered my provisions is a lousy,
peggarly, rascally knave! and by the soul of my grandsire, I will impeach, and
accuse, and indict him, of a roppery, if I did but know who he is.” Had
this misfortune happened at sea, where we could not repair the loss, in all
probability this descendant of Caractacus would have lost his wits entirely;
but, when I observed how easy it would be to remedy this paltry mischance, he
became more calm, and reconciled himself to the occasion.

A little while after this transport the surgeon came into the birth, under
pretence of taking something out of the medicine chest, and, with a smiling
aspect, wished us joy of our deliverance, which, he said, he had been at great
pains to obtain of the captain, who was very justly incensed at our behaviour;
but he, the doctor, had passed his word for our future conduct, and he hoped we
should give him no cause to repent of his kindness. He expected, no doubt, an
acknowledgment from us for this pretended piece of service, as well as a
general amnesty of what was past; but he had to do with people who were not
quite so apt to forgive injuries as he imagined, or to forget that, if our
deliverance was owing to his mediation, our calamity was occasioned by his
malice; I therefore sat silent, while my companion answered, “Ay, ay,
’tis no matter, Cot knows the heart; there is a time for all things, as
the wise man saith; there is a time for throwing away stones, and to gather
them up.” He seemed to be disconcerted at this reply, and went away in a
pet, muttering something about “Ingratitude,” and
“Fellows,” of which we did not think fit to take any notice.

Our fleet, having joined another that waited for us, lay at anchor about a
month in the harbour of Port Royal in Jamaica, during which time something of
consequence was certainly transacted; notwithstanding the insinuations of some,
who affirmed we had no business at all in that place; that, in order to take
the advantage of the season proper for our enterprise, the West India squadron,
which had previous notice of our coming, ought to have joined us at the west
end of Hispaniola, with necessary stores and refreshments, from whence we could
have sailed directly for Carthagena, before the enemy could put themselves in a
good posture of defence, or, indeed, have an inkling of our design. Be this as
it will, we sailed from Jamaica, and, in ten days or a fortnight, beat up
against the wind as far as the Isle of Vache, with an intention, as was said,
to attack the French fleet, then supposed to be lying near that place; but
before we arrived, they had sailed for Europe, having first dispatched an
advice-boat to Carthagena, with an account of our being in those seas, as also
of our strength and destination. We loitered here some days longer, taking in
wood and brackish water, in the use whereof, however, our admiral seemed to
consult the health of the men, by restricting each to a quart a day.

At length we set sail, and arrived in a bay to the windward of Carthagena,
where we came to an anchor, and lay at our ease ten days longer. Here, again,
certain malicious people took occasion to blame the conduct of their superiors,
by saying, that in so doing they not only unprofitably wasted time, which was
very precious, considering the approach of the rainy season, but also allowed
the Spaniards to recollect themselves from a terror occasioned by the approach
of an English fleet, at least three times as numerous as ever appeared in that
part of the world before. But if I might be allowed to give my opinion of the
matter, I would ascribe this delay to the generosity of our chiefs, who scorned
to take any advantage that fortune might give them even over an enemy. At last,
however, we weighed, and anchored again somewhat nearer the harbour’s
mouth, where we made shift to land our marines, who encamped on the beach, in
despite of the enemy’s shot, which knocked a good many of them on the
head. This piece of conduct, in choosing a camp under the walls of an
enemy’s fortification, which I believe never happened before, was
practised, I presume, with a view of accustoming the soldiers to stand fire,
who were not as yet much used to discipline, most of them having been taken
from the plough-tail a few months before. This expedient, again, has furnished
matter for censure against the ministry, for sending a few raw recruits on such
an important enterprise, while so many veteran regiments lay inactive at home.
But surely our governors had their reasons for so doing, which possibly may be
disclosed with other secrets of the deep. Perhaps they were loth to risk their
best troops on such desperate service, or the colonel and the field officers of
the old corps, who, generally speaking, enjoyed their commissions as sinecures
or pensions, for some domestic services rendered to the court, refused to
embark in such a dangerous and precarious undertaking; for which refusal, no
doubt, they are to be much commended.

CHAPTER XXXII

Our Land Forces being disembarked, erect a fascine battery—our ship is
ordered, with four more, to batter the port of Bocca
Chica—Mackshane’s cowardice—the Chaplain’s
frenzy—honest Rattlin loses one hand—his heroism and reflections on
the battle—Crampley’s behaviour to me during the heat of the Fight

Our forces being landed and stationed as I have already mentioned, set about
erecting a fascine battery to cannonade the principal fort of the enemy; and in
something more than three weeks, it was ready to open. That we might do the
Spaniards as much honour as possible, it was determined, in a council of war,
that five of our largest ships should attack the fort on one side, while the
battery, strengthened by two mortars and twenty-four cohorns, should ply it on
the other.

Accordingly, the signal for our ship to engage, among others, was hoisted, we
being advertised, the night before, to make everything clear for that purpose;
and, in so doing, a difference happened between Captain Oakum and his
well-beloved cousin and counsellor Mackshane, which had well nigh terminated in
an open rupture. The doctor, who had imagined there was no more danger of being
hurt by the enemy’s shot in the cockpit than in the centre of the earth,
was lately informed that a surgeon’s mate had been killed in that part of
the ship by a cannon-ball from two small redoubts that were destroyed before
the disembarkation of our soldiers; and therefore insisted upon having a
platform raised for the convenience of the sick and wounded in the after-hold,
where he deemed himself more secure than on the deck above. The captain,
offended at this extraordinary proposal, accused him of pusillanimity, and told
him, there was no room in the hold for such an occasion: or, if there was, he
could not expect to be indulged more than the rest of the surgeons of the navy,
who used the cockpit for that purpose. Fear rendering Mackshane obstinate, he
persisted in his demand, and showed his instructions, by which it was
authorised; the captain swore these instructions were dictated by a parcel of
lazy poltroons who were never at sea; nevertheless he was obliged to comply,
and sent for the carpenter to give him orders about it. But, before any such
measure could be taken, our signal was thrown out, and the doctor compelled to
trust his carcass in the cockpit, where Morgan and I were busy in putting our
instruments and dressings in order.

Our ship, with others destined for this service, immediately weighed, and in
less than half-an-hour came to an anchor before the castle of Bocca Chica, with
a spring upon our cable, and the cannonading (which indeed was dreadful) began.
The surgeon, after having crossed himself, fell flat on the deck; and the
chaplain and purser, who were stationed with us in quality of assistants,
followed his example, while the Welshman and I sat upon a chest looking at one
another with great discomposure, scarce able to refrain from the like
prostration. And that the reader may know it was not a common occasion that
alarmed us thus, I must inform him of the particulars of this dreadful din that
astonished us. The fire of the Spaniards proceeded from eighty-four great guns,
besides a mortar and small arms, in Bocca Chica; thirty-six in Fort St. Joseph;
twenty in two fascine batteries, and four men-of-war, mounting sixty-four guns
each. This was answered by our land-battery mounted with twenty-one cannon, two
mortars, and twenty-four cohorns, and five great ships of seventy or eighty
guns, that fired without intermission.

We had not been many minutes engaged, when one of the sailors brought another
on his back to the cockpit, where he tossed him down like a bag of oats, and
pulling out his pouch, put a large chew of tobacco in his mouth without
speaking a word. Morgan immediately examined the condition of the wounded man,
and cried out, “As I shall answer now, the man is as dead as my great
grandfather.” “Dead,” said his comrade; “he may be dead
now, for aught I know, but I’ll be d—d if he was not alive when I
took him up.” So saying, he was about to return to his quarters, when I
bade him carry the body along with him, and throw it overboard.
“D—n the body!” said he, “I think ’tis fair
enough if I take care of my own.” My fellow mate, snatching up the
amputation knife, pursued him half-way up the cock-pit ladder, crying,
“You lousy rascal, is this the churchyard, or the charnel-house, or the
sepulchre, or the golgotha, of the ship?”—but was stopped in his
career by one calling, “Yo he, avast there—scaldings!”
“Scaldings!” answered Morgan; “Cot knows ’tis hot
enough indeed: who are you?” “Here’s one!” replied the
voice; and I immediately knew it to be that of my honest friend Jack Rattlin,
who coming towards me, told me, with great deliberation, he was come to be
docked at last, and discovered the remains of one hand, which had been
shattered to pieces with a grape shot. I lamented with unfeigned sorrow his
misfortune, which he bore with heroic courage, observing, that every shot had
its commission: “It was well it did not take him in the head! or if it
had, what then? he should have died bravely, fighting for his king and country.
Death was a debt which every man owed, and must pay; and that now was as well
as another time.” I was much pleased and edified with the maxims of this
sea-philosopher, who endured the amputation of his left hand without shrinking,
the operation being performed (at his request) by me, after Mackshane, who was
with difficulty prevailed to lift his head from the deck, had declared there
was a necessity for his losing the limb.

While I was employed in dressing the stump, I asked Jack’s opinion of the
battle, who, shaking his head, frankly told me, he believed we should do no
good: “For why? because, instead of dropping anchor close under shore,
where we should have to deal with one corner of Bocca Chica only, we had opened
the harbour, and exposed ourselves to the whole fire of the enemy from their
shipping and Fort St. Joseph, as well as from the castle we intended to
cannonade; that, besides, we lay at too great a distance to damage the walls,
and three parts in four of our shot did not take place; for there was scarce
anybody on board who understood the pointing of a gun. Ah! God help us!”
continued he, “If your kinsman, Lieutenant Bowling, had been here, we
should have had other guess work.” By this time, our patients had
increased to such a number, that we did not know which to begin with; and the
first mate plainly told the surgeon, that if he did not get up immediately and
perform his duty, he would complain of his behaviour to the admiral, and make
application for his warrant. This remonstrance effectually roused Mackshane,
who was never deaf to an argument in which he thought his interest was
concerned; he therefore rose up, and in order to strengthen his resolution, had
recourse more than once to a case-bottle of rum, which he freely communicated
to the chaplain, and purser, who had as much need of such extraordinary
inspiration as himself. Being thus supported, he went to work, and arms and
legs were hewed down without mercy. The fumes of the liquor mounting into the
parson’s brain, conspired, with his former agitation of spirits, to make
him quite delirious; he stripped himself to the skin; and, besmearing his body
with blood, could scarce be withheld from running upon deck in that condition.
Jack Rattlin, scandalised at this deportment, endeavoured to allay his
transports with reason; but finding all he said ineffectual, and great
confusion occasioned by his frolics, he knocked him down with his right hand,
and by threats kept him quiet in that state of humiliation. But it was not in
the power of rum to elevate the purser, who sat on the floor wringing his
hands, and cursing the hour in which he left his peaceable profession of a
brewer in Rochester, to engage in such a life of terror and disquiet.

While we diverted ourselves at the expense of this poor devil, a shot happened
to take us between wind and water, and (its course being through the
purser’s store room) made a terrible havoc and noise among the jars and
bottles in its way, and disconcerted Mackshane so much, that he dropped his
scalpel, and falling down on his knees, pronounced his Pater-noster aloud: the
purser fell backward, and lay without sense or motion; and the chaplain grew so
outrageous, that Rattlin with one hand could not keep him under; so that we
were obliged to confine him in the surgeon’s cabin, where he was no doubt
guilty of a thousand extravagancies. Much about this time, my old antagonist,
Crampley, came down, with express orders, as he said, to bring me up to the
quarter-deck, to dress a slight wound the captain had received by a splinter:
his reason for honouring me in particular with this piece of service, being,
that in case I should be killed or disabled by the way, my death or mutilation
would be of less consequence to the ship’s company than that of the
doctor or his first mate. At another time, perhaps, I might have disputed this
order, to which I was not bound to pay the least regard; but as I thought my
reputation depended upon my compliance, I was resolved to convince my rival
that I was no more afraid than he of exposing myself to danger. With this view
I provided myself with dressings, and followed him immediately to the
quarter-deck, through a most infernal scene of slaughter, fire, smoke, and
uproar. Captain Oakum, who leaned against the mizen-mast, no sooner saw me
approach in my shirt, with the sleeves tucked up to my armpits, and my hands
dyed with blood, than he signified his displeasure by a frown, and asked why
the doctor himself did not come? I told him that Crampley had singled me out,
as if by express command; at which reply he seemed surprised, and threatened to
punish the midshipman for his presumption, after the engagement. In the
meantime, I was sent back to my station, and ordered to tell Mackshane, that
the captain expected him immediately. I got safe back, and delivered my
commission to the doctor, who flatly refused to quit the post assigned to him
by his instructions; whereupon Morgan, who I believe, was jealous of my
reputation for courage, undertook the affair, and ascended with great
intrepidity. The captain, finding the surgeon obstinate, suffered himself to be
dressed, and swore he would confine Mackshane as soon as the service should be
over.

CHAPTER XXXIII

A breach being made in the walls, our soldiers give the assault, and take the
place without opposition—our sailors at the same time, become masters of
all the other strengths near Bocca Chica, and take possession of the
harbour—the good consequence of this success—we move nearer the
town—find two forts deserted, and the Channel blocked up with sunk
vessels; which however we find means to clear—land our soldiers at La
Quinta—repulse a body of militia—attack the castle of St. Lazar,
and are forced to retreat with great loss—the remains of our army are
re-embarked—an effort of the Admiral to take the town—the economy
of our expedition described

Having cannonaded the fort during the space of four hours, we were all ordered
to slip our cables, and sheer off; but next day the engagement was renewed, and
continued from the morning till the afternoon, when the enemy’s fire from
Bocca Chica slackened, and towards evening was quite silenced. A breach being
made on the other side, by our land battery, large enough to admit a
middle-sized baboon, provided he could find means to climb up to it, our
general proposed to give the assault that very night, and actually ordered a
detachment on that duty. Providence stood our friend upon this occasion, and
put it into the hearts of the Spaniards to abandon the fort, which might have
been maintained by resolute men till the day of judgment against all the force
we could exert in the attack. And while our soldiers took possession of the
enemy’s ramparts without resistance, the same good luck attended a body
of sailors, who made themselves masters of Fort St. Joseph, the fascine
batteries, and one Spanish man-of-war; the other three being burnt or sunk by
the foe, that they might not fall into our hands. The taking of these forts, in
the strength of which the Spaniards chiefly confided, made us masters of the
outward harbour, and occasioned great joy among us, as we laid our accounts at
finding little or no opposition from the town: and indeed, if a few great ships
had sailed up immediately, before they had recovered from the confusion and
despair that our unexpected success had produced among them, it is not
impossible that we might have finished the affair to our satisfaction, without
any more bloodshed; but this step our heroes disdained as a barbarous insult
over the enemy’s distress, and gave them all the respite they could
desire, in order to recollect themselves. In the meantime, Mackshane, taking
the advantage of this general exultation, waited on our captain, and pleaded
his own cause so effectually that he was re-established in his good graces; and
as for Crampley, there was no more notice taken of his behaviour towards me
during the action. But of all the consequences of the victory, none was more
grateful than plenty of fresh water, after we had languished five weeks on the
allowance of a purser’s quart per day for each man in the Torrid Zone,
where the sun was vertical, and the expense of bodily fluid so great, that a
gallon of liquor could scarce supply the waste of twenty-four hours; especially
as our provision consisted of putrid salt beef, to which the sailors gave the
name of Irish horse; salt pork, of New England, which, though neither fish nor
flesh, savoured of both; bread from the same country, every biscuit whereof,
like a piece of clockwork, moved by its own internal impulse, occasioned by the
myriads of insects that dwelt within it; and butter served out by the gill,
that tasted like train oil thickened with salt. Instead of small beer, each man
was allowed three half-quarterns of brandy or rum, which were distributed every
morning, diluted with a certain quantity of his water, without either sugar or
fruit to render it palatable, for which reason, this composition was by the
sailors not ineptly styled Necessity. Nor was this limitation of simple element
owing to a scarcity of it on board, for there was at this time water enough in
the ship for a voyage of six months, at the rate of half-a-gallon per day to
each man: but this fast must, I suppose, have been enjoined by way of penance
on the ship’s company for their sins; or rather with a view to mortify
them into a contempt of life, that they might thereby become more resolute and
regardless of danger. How simply then do those people argue, who ascribe the
great mortality among us, to our bad provision and want of water; and affirm,
that a great many valuable lives might have been saved, if the useless
transports had been employed in fetching fresh stock, turtle, fruit, and other
refreshments from Jamaica and other adjacent islands, for the use of the army
and fleet! seeing it is to be hoped, that those who died went to a better
place, and those who survived were the more easily maintained. After all, a
sufficient number remained to fall before the walls of St. Lazar, where they
behaved like their own country mastiffs, which shut their eyes, run into the
jaws of a bear, and have their heads crushed for their valour.

But to return to my narration. After having put garrisons into the forts we had
taken, and re-embarked our soldiers and artillery (a piece of service that
detained us more than a week), we ventured up to the mouth of the inner
harbour, guarded by a large fortification on one side, and a small redoubt on
the other, both of which were deserted before our approach, and the entrance of
the harbour blocked up by several old galleons, and two men-of-war that the
enemy had sunk in the channel. We made shift, however, to open a passage for
some ships, that favoured a second landing of our troops at a place called La
Quinta, not far from the town, where, after a faint resistance from a body of
Spaniards, who opposed their disembarkation, they encamped with a design of
besieging the castle of St. Lazar, which overlooked and commanded the city.
Whether our renowned general had nobody in his army who knew how to approach it
in form, or that he trusted entirely to the fame of his arms, I shall not
determine; but, certain it is, a resolution was taken in a council of war, to
attack the place with musketry only. This was put in execution, and succeeded
accordingly; the enemy giving them such a hearty reception, that the greatest
part of their detachment took up their everlasting residence on the spot.

Our chief, not relishing this kind of complaisance in the Spaniard’s, was
wise enough to retreat on board with the remains of his army, which, from eight
thousand able men landed on the beach near Bocca Chica, was now reduced to
fifteen hundred fit for service. The sick and wounded were squeezed into
certain vessels, which thence obtained the name of hospital ships, though
methinks they scarce deserved such a creditable title, seeing few of them could
boast of their surgeon, nurse, or cook; and the space between decks was so
confined that the miserable patients had not room to sit upright in their beds.
Their wounds and stumps, being neglected, contracted filth and putrefaction,
and millions of maggots were hatched amidst the corruption of their sores. This
inhuman disregard was imputed to the scarcity of surgeons; though it is well
known that every great ship in the fleet could have spared one at least for
this duty, an expedient which would have been more than sufficient to remove
this shocking inconvenience. But perhaps our general was too much of a
gentleman to ask a favour of this kind from his fellow chief, who, on the other
hand, would not derogate so much from his own dignity, as to offer such
assistance unasked; for, I may venture to affirm, that by this time the Demon
of Discord, with her sooty wings, had breathed her influence upon our councils;
and it might be said of these great men (I hope they will pardon the
comparison) as of Cesar and Pompey, the one could not brook a superior, and the
other was impatient of an equal; so that, between the pride of one and
insolence of another, the enterprise miscarried, according to the proverb,
“Between two stools the backside falls to the ground.” Not that I
would be thought to liken any public concern to that opprobrious part of the
human body, though I might with truth assert, if I durst use such a vulgar
idiom, that the nation did hang on arse at its disappointment on this occasion;
neither would I presume to compare the capacity of our heroic leaders to any
such wooden convenience as a joint-stool or a close-stool; but only to signify
by this simile, the mistake the people committed in trusting to the union of
two instruments that were never joined.

A day or two after the attempt on St. Lazar, the admiral ordered one of the
Spanish men-of-war we had taken to be mounted with sixteen guns, and manned
with detachments from our great ships, in order to batter the town;
accordingly, she was towed into the inner harbour in the night, and moored
within half a mile of the walls, against which she began to fire at daybreak;
and continued about six hours exposed to the opposition of at least thirty
pieces of cannon, which at length obliged our men to set her on fire, and get
off as well as they could in their boats. This piece of conduct afforded matter
of speculation to all the wits, either in the army or navy, who were at last
fain to acknowledge it a stroke of policy above their comprehension. Some
entertained such an irreverent opinion of the admiral’s understanding, as
to think he expected the town would surrender to his floating battery of
sixteen guns: others imagined his sole intention was to try the enemy’s
strength, by which he should be able to compute the number of great ships that
would be necessary to force the town to a capitulation. But this last
conjecture soon appeared groundless, inasmuch as no ships of any kind whatever
were afterwards employed on that service. A third sort swore, that no other
cause could be assigned for this undertaking than that which induced Don
Quixote to attack the windmill. A fourth class (and that the most numerous,
though, without doubt, composed of the sanguine and malicious), plainly taxed
this commander with want of honesty as well as sense; and alleged that he ought
to have sacrificed private pique to the interest of his country; that, where
the lives of so many brave fellow-citizens were concerned, he ought to have
concurred with the general without being solicited or even desired, towards
their preservation and advantage, that, if his arguments could not dissuade him
from a desperate enterprise, it was his duty to have rendered it as practicable
as possible, without running extreme hazard; that this could have been done,
with a good prospect of success, by ordering five or six large ships to batter
the town, while the land forces stormed the castle; by these means a
considerable diversion would have been made in favour of those troops, who, in
their march to the assault and in the retreat, suffered much more from the town
than from the castle! that the inhabitants, seeing themselves vigorously
attacked on all hands, would have been divided, distracted, and confused, and
in all probability, unable to resist the assailants. But all these suggestions
surely proceeded from ignorance or malevolence, or else the admiral would not
have found it such an easy matter, at his return to England, to justify his
conduct to a ministry at once so upright and discerning. True it is, that those
who undertook to vindicate him on the spot, asserted, that there was not water
enough for our great ships near the town: though this was a little
unfortunately urged, because there happened to be pilots in the fleet perfectly
well acquainted with the soundings of the harbour, who affirmed there was water
enough for five eighty-gun ships to lie abreast almost up to the very walls.
The disappointments we suffered occasioned a universal dejection, which was not
at all alleviated by the objects that daily and hourly entertained our eyes,
nor by the prospect of what must have inevitably happened, had we remained much
longer in this place. Such was the economy in some ships that, rather than be
at the trouble of interring the dead, their commanders ordered their men to
throw their bodies overboard, many without either ballast or winding-sheet; so
that numbers of human carcases floated in the harbour, until they were devoured
by sharks and carrion crows, which afforded no agreeable spectacle to those who
survived. At the same time the wet season began, during which a deluge of rain
falls, from the rising to the setting sun, without intermission, and that no
sooner ceases than it begins to thunder, and lighten with such continued
flashing, that one can see to read a very small print by the illumination.

CHAPTER XXXIV

An epidemic Fever rages among us—we abandon our Conquests—I am
seized with Distemper—write a Petition to the Captain, which is
rejected—I am in danger of Suffocation through the Malice of Crampley,
and relieved by a Serjeant—my Fever increases—the Chaplain wants to
confess me—I obtain a favourable Crisis—Morgan’s Affection
for me proved—the Behaviour of Mackshane and Crampley towards
me—Captain Oakum is removed into another Ship with his beloved
Doctor—our new Captain described—An Adventure of Morgan

The change of the atmosphere, occasioned by this phenomenon, conspired, with
the stench that surrounded us, the heat of the climate, our own constitutions,
impoverished by bad provisions, and our despair, to introduce the bilious fever
among us, which raged with such violence, that three-fourths of those whom it
invaded died in a deplorable manner; the colour of their skin being, by the
extreme putrefaction of the juices, changed into that of soot.

Our conductors, finding things in this situation, perceived it was high to
relinquish our conquests, and this we did, after having rendered their
artillery useless, and blown up their walls with gunpowder. Just as we sailed
from Bocca Chica, on our return to Jamaica, I found myself threatened with the
symptoms of this terrible distemper; and knowing very well that I stood no
chance for my life, if I should be obliged to be in the cockpit, which by this
time was grown intolerable, even to people in health, by reason of the heat and
unwholesome smell of decayed provision, I wrote a petition to the captain,
representing my case, and humbly imploring his permission to be among the
soldiers in the middle deck, for the benefit of the air: but I might have
spared myself the trouble; for this humane commander refused my request, and
ordered me to continue in the place allotted for the surgeon’s mates, or
else be contented to be in the hospital, which, by the by, was three degrees
more offensive and more suffocating than our own berth below. Another, in my
condition, perhaps, would have submitted to his fate, and died in a pet; but I
could not brook the thought of perishing so pitifully, after I had weathered so
many gales of hard fortune: I therefore, without minding Oakum’s
injunction, prevailed upon the soldiers (whose good-will I had acquired) to
admit my hammock among them; and actually congratulated myself upon my
comfortable situation; which Crampley no sooner understood, than he signified
to the captain my contempt of his orders, and was invested with power to turn
me down again into my proper habitation.

This barbarous piece of revenge incensed me so much against the author, that I
vowed, with bitter imprecations, to call him to a severe account, if ever it
should be in my power; and the agitation of my spirits increased my fever to a
violent degree. While I lay gasping for breath in this infernal abode, I was
visited by a sergeant, the bones of whose nose I had reduced and set to rights,
after they had been demolished by a splinter during our last engagement; he,
being informed of my condition, offered me the use of his berth in the middle
deck, which was enclosed with canvas, and well aired by a port-hole that
remained open within it. I embraced this proposal with joy, and was immediately
conducted to the place, where I was treated, while my illness lasted, with the
utmost tenderness and care by this grateful halberdier, who had no other bed
for himself than a hencoop during the whole passage. Here I lay and enjoyed the
breeze, notwithstanding which my malady gained ground, and at length my life
was despaired of, though I never lost hopes of recovery, even when I had the
mortification to see, from my cabin-window, six or seven thrown overboard every
day, who died of the same distemper. This confidence, I am persuaded, conduced
a great deal to the preservation of my life, especially when joined to another
resolution I took at the beginning, namely, to refuse all medicine, which I
could not help thinking co-operated with the disease, and, instead of resisting
putrefaction, promoted a total degeneracy of the vital fluid. When my friend
Morgan, therefore, brought his diaphoretic bolases, I put them into my mouth,
’tis true, but without any intention of swallowing them: and, when he
went away, spit them out, and washed my mouth with water-gruel. I seemingly
complied in this matter, that I might not affront the blood of Caractacus, by a
refusal which might have intimated a diffidence of his physical capacity, for
he acted as my physician; Doctor Mackshane never once inquiring about me, or
even knowing where I was. When my distemper was at the height, Morgan thought
my case desperate, and, after having applied a blister to the nape of my neck,
squeezed my hand, bidding me, with a woful countenance, recommend myself to Cot
and my Reteemer; then, taking his leave, desired the chaplain to come and
administer some spiritual consolation to me; but, before he arrived, I made
shift to rid myself of the troublesome application the Welshman had bestowed on
my back. The person, having felt my pulse, inquired into the nature of my
complaints, hemmed a little, and began thus: “Mr. Random, God out of his
infinite mercy has been pleased to visit you with a dreadful distemper, the
issue of which no man knows. You may be permitted to recover and live many days
on the face of the earth; and, which is more probable, you may be taken away,
and cut off in the flower of your youth. It is incumbent on you, therefore, to
prepare for the great change, by repenting sincerely of your sins; of this
there cannot be a greater sign, than an ingenuous confession, which I conjure
you to make without hesitation or mental reservation; and, when I am convinced
of your sincerity, I will then give you such comfort as the situation of your
soul will admit of. Without doubt, you have been guilty of numberless
transgressions to which youth is subject, as swearing, drunkenness, whoredom,
and adultery: tell me therefore, without reserve, the particulars of each,
especially of the last, that I may be acquainted with the true state of your
conscience; for no physician will prescribe for his patient until he knows the
circumstances of his disease.”

As I was not under any apprehensions of death, I could not help smiling at the
chaplain’s inquisitive remonstrance, which I told him savoured more of
the Roman than of the Protestant church, in recommending auricular confession;
a thing, in my opinion, not at all necessary to salvation, and which, for that
reason, I declined. This reply disconcerted him a little; however, he explained
away his meaning, in making learned distinctions between what was absolutely
necessary and what was only convenient; then proceeded to ask what religion I
professed. I answered, that I had not as yet considered the difference of
religions, consequently had not fixed on any one in particular, but that I was
bred a Presbyterian. At this word the chaplain expressed great astonishment,
and said, he could not comprehend how a presbyterian was entitled to any post
under the English government. Then he asked if I had ever received the
sacrament, or taken the oaths; to which questions, I replying in the negative,
he held up his hands, assured me he could do me no service, wished I might not
be in a state of reprobation, and returned to his messmates, who were making
merry in the ward-room, round a table well stored with bumbo(2) and wine.

(2)bumbo is a liquor composed of rum, sugar, water, and nutmeg

This insinuation, terrible as it was, had not such an effect upon me as the
fever, which, soon after he had left me, grew outrageous. I began to see
strange chimeras and concluded myself upon the point of being delirious; in the
meantime, being in great danger of suffocation, I started up in a kind of
frantic fit, with an intention to plunge myself into the sea; and, as my friend
the sergeant was not present, would certainly have cooled myself to some
purpose, had I not perceived a moisture upon my thigh, as I endeavoured to get
out of my hammock: the appearance of this revived my hopes, and I had
reflection and resolution enough to take the advantage of this favourable
symptom, by tearing the shirt from my body, and the sheets from my bed, and
wrapping myself in a thick blanket, in which inclosure, for about a quarter of
an hour, felt all the pains of hell: but it was not long before I was
recompensed for my suffering by a profuse sweat, that, bursting from the whole
surface of my skin, in less than two hours, relieved me from all my complaints
except that of weakness; and left me as hungry as a kite. I enjoyed a very
comfortable nap, after which I was regaling myself with the agreeable reverie
of future happiness, when I heard Morgan, on the outside of the curtain, ask
the sergeant if I was alive still? “Alive!” cried the other,
“God forbid he should be otherwise! he has lain quiet these five hours,
and I do not choose to disturb him, for sleep will do him great service.”
“Ay,” said my fellow-mate, “he sleeps so sound (look you),
that he will not waken till the great trump plows—Cot be merciful to his
soul. He has paid his debt like an honest man—ay, and moreover, he is at
rest from all persecutions, and troubles, and afflictions, of which, Cot knows,
and I know, he had his own share—Ochree! Ochree! he was a promising youth
indeed!” So saying he groaned grievously, and began to whine in such a
manner, as persuaded me he had a real friendship for me. The sergeant, alarmed
at his words, came into the berth, and, while he looked upon me, I smiled, and
tipped him the wink: he immediately guessed my meaning and remaining silent,
Morgan was confirmed in his opinion of my being dead; whereupon he approached,
with tears in his eyes, in order to indulge his grief with a sight of the
object: and I counterfeited death so well, by fixing my eyes and dropping my
under-jaw, that he said, “There he lies, no petter than a lump of clay,
Cot help me!” and observed, by the distortion of my face, that I must
have had a strong struggle.

I should not have been able to contain myself much longer, when he began to
perform the last duty of a friend, in closing my eyes and my mouth, upon which
I suddenly snapped at his fingers and discomposed him so much that he started
back, turned pale as ashes, and stared like the picture of horror; although I
could not help laughing at his appearance, I was concerned for his situation,
and stretched out my hand, telling him I hoped to live and eat some salmagundy
of his making in England. It was some time before he could recollect himself so
far as to feel my pulse, and inquire into the particulars of my disease; but
when he found I had enjoyed a favourable crisis, he congratulated me upon my
good fortune; not failing to ascribe it, under Cot, to the blister he had
applied to my back, at his last visit; which, by the bye, said he, must now be
removed and dressed; he was actually going to fetch dressings, when I, feigning
astonishment, said, “Bless me! sure you never applied a blister to
me—there is nothing on my back, I assure you.” But he could not be
convinced till he had examined it, and then endeavoured to conceal his
confusion, by expressing his surprise in finding the skin untouched and the
plaster missing. In order to excuse myself for paying so little regard to his
prescription, I pretended to have been insensible when it was put on, and to
have pulled it off afterwards in a fit of delirium. This apology satisfied my
friend, who, on this occasion, abated a good deal of his stiffness in regard to
punctilio; and as we were now safely arrived at Jamaica, where I had the
benefit of fresh provisions and other refreshments, I recovered strength every
day, and, in a short time, my health and vigour were perfectly re-established.

When I got up at first, and was just able to crawl about the deck with a staff
in my hand, I met Doctor Mackshane, who passed by me with a disdainful look,
and did not vouchsafe to honour me with one word. After him came Crampley, who,
strutting up to me with a fierce countenance, pronounced, “Here’s
fine discipline on-board, when such lazy, skulking sons of bitches as you are
allowed, on pretence of sickness, to lollop at your ease, while your betters
are kept to hard duty!” The sight and behaviour of this malicious
scoundrel enraged me so much that I could scarce refrain from laying my cudgel
across his pate; but when I considered my present feebleness, and the enemies I
had in the ship, who wanted only a pretence to ruin me, I restrained my
passion, and contented myself with telling him, I had not forgot his insolence
and malice, and that I hoped we should meet one day on shore. At this
declaration he grinned, shook his fist, and swore he longed for nothing more
than such an opportunity. Meanwhile our ship was ordered to be heaved down,
victualled, and watered, for her return to England; and our captain, for some
reason or other, not thinking it convenient for him to revisit his native
country at this time, exchanged with a gentleman, who, on the other hand,
wished for nothing so much as to be safe without the tropic: all his care and
tenderness of himself being insufficient to preserve his complexion from the
injuries of the sun and weather.

Our tyrant having left the ship, and carried his favourite Mackshane along with
him, to my inexpressible satisfaction, our new commander came on board in a
ten-oared barge, overshadowed with a vast umbrella, and appeared in everything
the reverse of Oakum, being a tall, thin young man, dressed in this manner: a
white hat, garnished with a red feather, adorned his head, from whence his hair
flowed upon his shoulders, in ringlets tied behind with a ribbon. His coat,
consisting of pink-coloured silk, lined with white, by the elegance of the cut
retired backward, as it were, to discover a white satin waistcoat embroidered
with gold, unbuttoned at the upper part to display a brooch set with garnets,
that glittered in the breast of his shirt, which was of the finest cambric,
edged with right Mechlin: the knees of his crimson velvet breeches scarce
descended so low as to meet his silk stockings, which rose without spot or
wrinkle on his meagre legs, from shoes of blue Meroquin, studded with diamond
buckles that flamed forth rivals to the sun! A steel-hilted sword, inlaid with
gold, and decked with a knot of ribbon which fell down in a rich tassel,
equipped his side; and an amber-headed cane hung dangling from his wrist. But
the most remarkable parts of his furniture were, a mask on his face, and white
gloves on his hands, which did not seem to be put on with an intention to be
pulled off occasionally, but were fixed with a curious ring on the little
finger of each hand.

In this garb, Captain Whiffle, for that was his name, took possession of the
ship, surrounded with a crowd of attendants, all of whom, in their different
degrees, seemed to be of their patron’s disposition; and the air was so
impregnated with perfumes, that one may venture to affirm the climate of Arabia
Felix was not half so sweet-scented. My fellow-mate, observing no surgeon among
his train, thought he had found an occasion too favourable for himself to be
neglected; and, remembering the old proverb, “Spare to speak, and spare
to speed,” resolved to solicit the new captain’s interest
immediately, before any other surgeon could be appointed for the ship. With
this view he repaired to the cabin in his ordinary dress, consisting of a check
shirt and trousers, a brown linen waistcoat, and a nightcap of the same
(neither of them very clean,) which, for his further misfortune, happened to
smell strong of tobacco. Entering without any ceremony into this sacred place,
he found Captain Whiffle reposing upon a couch, with a wrapper of fine chintz
about his body, and a muslin cap bordered with lace about his head; and after
several low congees began in this manner: “Sir, I hope you will forgive,
and excuse, and pardon, the presumption of one who has not the honour of being
known to you, but who is, nevertheless a shentleman porn and pred, and moreover
has had misfortunes, Cot help me, in the world.”

Here he was interrupted by the captain, who, on seeing him, had started up with
great amazement, at the novelty of the apparition; and, having recollected
himself, pronounced with a look and tone signifying disdain, curiosity and
surprise, “Zauns! who art thou?” “I am surgeon’s first
mate on board of this ship,” replied Morgan: “and I most vehemently
desire and beseech you, with all submission, to be pleased to condescend and
vouchsafe to inquire into my character, and my pehaviour, and my deserts,
which, under Cot, I hope, will entitle me to the vacancy of surgeon.” As
he proceeded in his speech, he continued advancing towards the captain, whose
nostrils were no sooner saluted with the aromatic flavour that exhaled from
him, than he cried with great emotion, “Heaven preserve me! I am
suffocated! Fellow, fellow, away with thee! Curse thee, fellow! Get thee gone!
I shall be stunk to death!” At the noise of his outcries, his servants
ran into his apartment, and he accosted them thus: “Villains!
cut-throats! traitors! I am betrayed! I am sacrificed! Will you not carry that
monster away? or must I be stifled with the stench of him? oh, oh!” With
these interjections he sank down upon his settee in a fit: his valet-de-chambre
plied him with a smelling-bottle, one footman chafed his temples with Hungary
water, another sprinkled the floor with spirits of lavender, a third pushed
Morgan out of the cabin; who coming to the place where I was, sat down with a
demure countenance and, according to his custom, when he received any indignity
which he durst not revenge, began to sing a Welsh ditty.

I guessed he was under some agitation of spirits and desired to know the cause;
but, instead of answering me directly, he asked with great emotion, if I
thought him a monster and a stinkard? “A monster and a stinkard!”
said I, with some surprise: “did anybody call you so?” “Cot
is my judge,” replied be, “Captain Fifle did call me both; ay, and
all the waters in the Tawy will not wash it out of my remembrance. I do affirm
and avouch, and maintain, with my soul, and my pody, and my plood, look you,
that I have no smells apout me, but such as a Christian ought to have, except
the effluvia of tobacco, which is a cephalic, odoriferous, aromatic herb; and
he is a son of a mountain goat who says otherwise. As for my being a minister,
let that be as it is: I am as Cot was pleased to create me, which,
peradventure, is more than I shall ever aver of him who gave me that title; for
I will proclaim it before the world, that he is disguised, and transfigured,
and transmogrified, with affectation and whimseys; and that he is more like a
papoon than of the human race.”

CHAPTER XXXV

Captain Whiffle sends for me—his situation described—his surgeon
arrives, prescribes for him, and puts him to bed—a bed is put up for Mr.
Simper contiguous to the state room, which, with other parts of the captains
behaviour, gives the ship’s company a very unfavourable idea of their
commander—I am detained in the West Indies by the admiral, and go on
board of the Lizard sloop of war in quality of surgeon’s mate, where I
make myself known to the surgeon, who treats me very kindly—I go on
shore, sell my ticket, purchase necessaries, and, at my return on board, am
surprised at the sight of Crampley, who is appointed lieutenant of the
sloop—we sail on a cruise—take a prize in which I arrive at Port
Morant under the command of my messmate, with whom I live in great harmony

He was going on with an eulogium upon the captain, when I received a message to
clean myself, and go up to the great cabin: and with this command I instantly
complied, sweetening myself with rosewater from the medicine chest. When I
entered the room, I was ordered to stand by the door, until Captain Whiffle had
reconnoitered me at a distance with a spy-glass. He, having consulted one sense
in this manner, bade me advance gradually, that his nose might have
intelligence before it could be much offended: I therefore approached with
great caution and success, and he was pleased to say, “Ay, this creature
is tolerable.” I found him lolling on his couch with a languishing air,
his head supported by his valet-de-chambre, who from time to time applied a
smelling-bottle to his nose. “Vergette,” said he in a squeaking
tone, “dost think this wretch (meaning me) will do me no injury? May I
venture to submit my arm to him?” “Pon my word,” replied the
valet, “I do tink dat dere be great occasion for your honour losing a
small quantite of blodt; and the young man ave quelque chose of de bonne
mine.” “Well, then,” said his master, “I think I must
venture.” Then, addressing himself to me, “Hast thou ever blooded
anybody but brutes? But I need not ask thee, for thou wilt tell me a most
d—able lie,” “Brutes, sir!” answered I, pulling down
his glove, in order to feel his pulse, “I never meddle with
brutes.” “What the devil art thou about?” cried he,
“dost thou intend to twist off my hand? Gad’s curse! my arm is
benumbed up to the very shoulder! Heaven have mercy upon me! must I perish
under the hands of savages? What an unfortunate dog was I to come on board
without my own surgeon, Mr. Simper.” I craved pardon for having handled
him so roughly, and, with the utmost care, and tenderness, tied up his arm with
a fillet of silk. While I was feeling for the vein, he desired to know how much
blood I intended to take from him, and, when I answered, “not above
twelve ounces,” started up with a look full of horror, and bade me be
gone, swearing I had a design upon his life. Vergette appeased him with
difficulty, and, opening a bureau, took out a pair of scales, in one of which
was placed a small cup; and putting them into my hand, told me, the captain
never lost above an ounce and three drams at one time.

While I prepared for this important evacuation, there came into the cabin a
young man gaily dressed, of a very delicate complexion with a kind of languid
smile on his face: which seemed to have been rendered habitual by a long course
of affectation. The captain no sooner perceived him, than, rising hastily, he
flew into his arms, crying, “O, my dear Simper, I am excessively
disordered! I have been betrayed, frighted, murdered, by the negligence of my
servants, who suffered a beast, a mule, a bear, to surprise me, and stink me
into convulsions with the fumes of tobacco.” Simper, who by this time, I
found, was obliged to act for the clearness of his complexion, assumed an air
of softness and sympathy, and lamented with many tender expressions of sorrow,
the sad accident that had thrown him into that condition; then, feeling his
patient’s pulse on the outside of his glove, gave it as his opinion, that
his disorder was entirely nervous, and that some drops of tincture of castor,
and liquid laudanum, would be of more service to him than bleeding, by bridling
the inordinate sallies of his spirits, and composing the fermentation of his
bile. I was therefore sent to prepare this prescription, which was administered
in a glass of sack posset, after the captain had been put to bed, and orders
sent to the officers on the quarter-deck, to let nobody walk on that side under
which he lay.

While the captain enjoyed his repose the doctor watched over him, and indeed
became so necessary, that a cabin was made for him contiguous to the state room
where Whiffle slept, that he might be at hand in case of accidents in the
night. Next day, our commander being happily recovered, gave orders that none
of the lieutenants should appear upon deck without a wig, sword, and ruffles;
nor any midshipman, or other petty officer, be seen with a check shirt or dirty
linen. He also prohibited any person whatever, except Simper and his own
servants, from coming into the great cabin without first sending in to obtain
leave. These singular regulations did not prepossess the ship’s company
in his favour: but, on the contrary, gave scandal an opportunity to be very
busy with his character, and accuse him of maintaining a correspondence with
his surgeon not fit to be named.

In a few weeks, our ship being under sailing orders, I was in hope of
revisiting my native country, in a very short time, when the admiral’s
surgeon came on board, and, sending for Morgan and me to the quarter-deck, gave
us to understand there was a great scarcity of surgeons in the West Indies;
that he was commanded to detain one mate out of every great ship that was bound
for England; and desired us to agree between ourselves, before the next day at
that hour, which of us should stay behind. We were thunderstruck at this
proposal, and stared at one another some time without speaking; at length the
Welshman broke silence, and offered to remain in the West Indies, provided the
admiral would give him a surgeon’s warrant immediately; but he was told
there was no want of chief surgeons, and that he must be contented with the
station of mate, till he should be further provided for in due course.
Whereupon Morgan flatly refused to quit the ship for which the commissioners of
the navy had appointed him; and the other told him as plainly, that if we could
not determine the affair by ourselves before to-morrow morning, he must cast
lots, and abide by his chance.

When I recalled to my remembrance the miseries I had undergone in England,
where I had not one friend to promote my interest, or favour my advancement in
the navy, and the same time reflected on the present dearth of surgeons in the
West Indies, and the unhealthiness of the climate, which every day almost
reduced the number, I could not help thinking my success would be much more
certain and expeditious by my staying where I was, than by returning to Europe.
I therefore resolved to comply with a good grace, and next day, when we were
ordered to throw dice, told Morgan he needed not trouble himself, for I would
voluntarily submit to the admiral’s pleasure. This frank declaration was
commended by the gentleman, who assured me, it should not fare the worse with
me for my resignation. Indeed he was as good as his word, and that very
afternoon procured a warrant, appointing me surgeon’s mate of the Lizard
sloop-of-war, which put me on a footing with every first mate in the service.

My ticket being made out, I put my chest and bedding on board a canoe that lay
alongside, and, having shook hands with my trusty friend the sergeant, and
honest Jack Rattlin, who was bound for Greenwich Hospital, I took my leave of
Morgan with many tears, after we had exchanged our sleeve buttons as
remembrances of each other. Having presented my new warrant to the captain of
the Lizard, I inquired for the doctor, whom I no sooner saw than I recollected
him to be one of those young fellows with whom I had been committed to the
round-house, during our frolic with Jackson, as I have related before. He
received me with a good deal of courtesy, and, when I put him in mind of our
former acquaintance, expressed great joy at seeing me again, and recommended me
to an exceeding good mess, composed of the gunner and master’s mate. As
there was not one sick person in the ship, I got leave to go ashore next day
with the gunner, who recommended me to a Jew, that bought my ticket at the rate
of forty per cent discount; and, having furnished myself with the necessaries I
wanted, returned on board in the evening, and, to my surprise, found my old
antagonist Crampley walking upon deck. Though I did not fear his enmity, I was
shocked at his appearance, and communicated my sentiments on that subject to
Mr. Tomlins the surgeon, who told me that Crampley, by dint of some friends
about the admiral, had procured a commission, constituting him lieutenant on
board the Lizard; and advised me, now he was my superior officer, to behave
with some respect towards him, or else he would find a thousand opportunities
of using me ill. This advice was a bitter potion to me, whom pride and
resentment had rendered utterly incapable of the least submission to, or even
of a reconciliation with, the wretch who had, on many occasions, treated me so
inhumanly: however, I resolved to have as little connection as possible with
him, and to ingratiate myself as much as I could with the rest of the officers,
whose friendship might be a bulwark to defend me from the attempts of his
malice.

In less than a week we sailed on a cruise, and having weathered the east end of
the island, had the good fortune to take a Spanish barcolongo, with her prize,
which was an English ship bound for Bristol, that sailed from Jamaica a
fortnight before, without convoy. All the prisoners who were well, we put
onshore on the north side of the island; the prizes were manned with
Englishmen, and the command of the barcolongo given to my friend the
master’s mate, with orders to carry them into Port Morant, and there to
remain until the Lizard’s cruise should be ended, at which time she would
touch at the same place in her way to Port Royal. With him I was sent to attend
the wounded Spaniards as well as Englishmen, who amounted to sixteen, and to
take care of them on shore in a house that was to be hired as an hospital. This
destination gave me a great deal of pleasure, as I should, for some time, be
freed from the arrogance of Crampley, whose inveteracy against me had already
broken out on two or three occasions since he was become a lieutenant. My
messmate, who very much resembled my uncle, both in figure and disposition,
treated me on board of the prize with the utmost civility and confidence: and,
among other favours, made me a present of a silver-hilted hanger, and a pair of
pistols mounted with the same metal, which fell to his share in plundering the
enemy. We arrived safely at Morant, and, going on shore, pitched upon an empty
storehouse; which we hired for the reception of the wounded, who were brought
to it next day, with beds and other necessaries; and four of the ship’s
company appointed to attend them and obey me.

CHAPTER XXXVI

A strange adventure—in consequence of which I am extremely
happy—Crampley does me in offices with the Captain; but his malice is
defeated by the good-nature and friendship of the surgeon—we return to
Port Royal—our Captain gets the command of a larger ship, and is
succeeded by an old man—Brayl is provided for—we receive orders to
sail for England

When my patients were all in a fair way, my companion and commander, whose name
was Brayl, carried me up the country to the house of a rich planter, with whom
he was acquainted, where we were sumptuously entertained, and in the evening
set out on our return to the ship. When we had walked about a mile by
moonlight, we perceived a horseman behind us, who coming up, wished us good
even, and asked which way we went? His voice, which was quite familiar to me,
no sooner struck my ear, than in spite of all my resolution and reflection, my
hair bristled up, and I was seized with a violent fit of trembling, which Brayl
misinterpreting, bade me be under no concern. I told him he was mistaken in the
cause of my disorder; and, addressing myself to the person on horseback said,
“I could have sworn by your voice, that you were a dear friend of mine,
if I had not been certain of his death.” To this address, after some
pause, he replied, “There are many voices as well as faces that resemble
one another; but, pray, what was your friend’s name.” I satisfied
him in that particular, and gave a short detail of the melancholy fate of
Thompson, not without many sighs and some tears. A silence ensued, which lasted
some minutes, and then the conversation turned on different subjects, till we
arrived at a house on the road, where the horseman alighted, and begged with so
much earnestness that we would go in and drink a bowl of punch with him, that
we could not resist. But, if I was alarmed at his voice, what must my amazement
be, when I discovered by the light the very person of my lamented friend!
Perceiving my confusion, which was extreme, he clasped me in his arms, and
bedewed my face with tears. It was some time ere I recovered the use of my
reason, overpowered with this event, and longer still before I could speak. So
that all I was capable of was to return his embraces, and to mingle the
overflowings of my joy with his; whilst honest Brayl, affected with the scene,
wept as fast as either of us, and signified his participation of our happiness
by hugging us both, and capering about the room like a madman. At length, I
retrieved the use of my tongue, and cried, “Is it possible! you can be my
friend Thompson? No certainly, alas! he was drowned; and I am now under the
deception of a dream!” He was at great pains to convince me of his being
the individual person whom I regretted, and bidding me sit down and compose
myself, promised to explain his sudden disappearance from the Thunder, and to
account for his being at present in the land of the living. This task he
acquitted himself of, after I had drunk a glass of punch, and recollected my
spirits, by informing us, that with a determination to rid himself of a
miserable existence, he had gone in the night-time to the head, while the ship
was on her way, from whence he slipped down as softly as he could, by the bows
into the sea, where, after he was heartily ducked, he began to repent of his
precipitation; and, as he could swim very well, kept himself above water, in
hopes of being taken up by some of the ships astern; that, in this situation,
he hailed a large vessel, and begged to be taken in, but was answered that she
was a heavy sailer, and therefore they did not choose to lose time by bringing
to; however, they threw an old chest overboard for his convenience, and told
him, that some of the ships astern would certainly save him; that no other
vessel came within sight or cry of him for the space of three hours, during
which time he had the mortification to find himself in the middle of the ocean
alone, without other support or resting-place, but what a few crazy boards
afforded; till at last he discerned a small sloop steering towards him, upon
which he set up his throat, and had the good fortune to be heard and rescued
from the dreary waste by their boat, which was hoisted out on purpose.

“I was no sooner brought on board,” continued he, “than I
fainted, and, when I recovered my senses, found myself in bed, regaled with a
most noisome smell of onions and cheese, which made me think at first that I
was in my own hammock, alongside of honest Morgan, and that all which had
passed was no more than a dream. Upon inquiry, I understood that I was on board
of a schooner belonging to Rhode Island, bound for Jamaica, with a cargo of
geese, pigs, onions, and cheese, and that the master’s name was
Robertson, by birth a North Briton, whom I knew at first sight to be an old
school-fellow of mine. When I discovered myself to him, he was transported with
surprise and joy, and begged to know the occasion of my misfortune, which I did
not think fit to disclose, because I knew his notions with regard to religion
were very severe and confined; therefore contented myself with telling him I
fell overboard by accident; but made no scruple of explaining the nature of my
disagreeable station, and of acquainting him with my determined purpose never
to return to the Thunder man-of-war. Although he was not of my opinion in that
particular, knowing that I must lose my clothes and what pay was due to me,
unless I went back to my duty; yet, when I described the circumstances of the
hellish life I led under the tyrannic sway of Oakum and Mackshane; and, among
other grievances, hinted a dissatisfaction at the irreligious deportment of my
shipmates, and the want of the true presbyterian gospel doctrine; he changed
his sentiments, and conjured me with great vehemence and zeal to lay aside all
thought of rising in the navy; and, that he might show how much he had my
interest at heart, undertook to provide for me in some shape or other, before
he should leave Jamaica. This promise he performed to my heart’s desire,
by recommending me to a gentleman of fortune, with whom I have lived ever since
in quality of surgeon and overseer to his plantations. He and his lady are now
at Kingston, so that I am, for the present, master of this house, to which,
from my soul, I bid you welcome, and hope you will favour me with your company
during the remaining part of the night.”

I needed not a second invitation; but Mr. Brayl, who was a diligent and
excellent officer, could not be persuaded to sleep out of the ship; however, he
supped with us, and, after having drank a cheerful glass, set out for the
vessel, which was not above three miles from the place, escorted by a couple of
stout negroes, whom Mr. Thompson ordered to conduct him. Never were two friends
more happy in the conversation of each other than we, for the time it lasted. I
related to him the particulars of our attempt upon Carthagena, of which he had
heard but an imperfect account; and he gratified me with a narration of every
little incident of his life since we parted. He assured me, it was with the
utmost difficulty he could resist his inclination of coming down to Port Royal,
to see Morgan and me, of whom he had heard no tidings since the day of our
separation: but that he was restrained by the fear of being detained as a
deserter. He told me that, when he heard my voice in the dark, he was almost as
much surprised as I was at seeing him afterwards: and, in the confidence of
friendship, disclosed a passion he entertained for the only daughter of the
gentleman with whom he lived, who, by his description, was a very amiable young
lady, and did not disdain his addresses; that he was very much favoured by her
parents; and did not despair of obtaining their consent to the match, which
would at once render him independent of the world. I congratulated him on his
good fortune, which he protested should never make him forget his friends; and,
towards morning, we betook ourselves to rest.

Next day he accompanied me to the ship, where Mr. Brayl entertained him at
dinner, and we having spent the afternoon together, he took his leave of us in
the evening, after he had forced upon me ten pistoles, as a small token of his
affection. In short, while he stayed here, we saw one another every day, and
generally ate at the same table, which was plentifully supplied by him with all
kinds of poultry, butcher’s meat, oranges, limes, lemons, pine-apples,
Madeira wine, and excellent rum; so that this small interval of ten days was by
far the most agreeable period of my life.

At length the Lizard arrived; and my patients being all fit for duty, they and
I were ordered on board of her, where I understood from Mr. Tomlins that there
was a shyness between the lieutenant and him on my account; the rancorous
villain having taken the opportunity of my absence to fill the captain’s
ears with a thousand scandalous stories to my prejudice; among other things
affirming, that I had been once transported for theft, and that when I was in
the Thunder man-of-war, I had been whipped for the same crime. The surgeon, on
the other hand, having heard my whole story from my own mouth, defended me
strenuously, and in the course of that good-natured office recounted all the
instances of Crampley’s malice against me while I remained on board of
that ship; which declaration, while it satisfied the captain of my innocence,
made the lieutenant as much my defender’s enemy as mine. The infernal
behaviour of Crampley, with regard to me, added such fuel to his former
resentment, that, at certain times, I was quite beside myself with the desire
of revenge, and was even tempted to pistol him on the quarter-deck, though an
infamous death must inevitably have been my reward. But the surgeon, who was my
confidant, argued against such a desperate action so effectually, that I
stifled the flame which consumed me for the present, and resolved to wait for a
more convenient opportunity. In the meantime, that Mr. Tomlins might be the
more convinced of the wrongs I suffered by this fellow’s slander, I
begged he would go and visit Mr. Thompson, whose wonderful escape I had made
him acquainted with, and inquire of him into the particulars of my conduct,
while he was my fellow-mate.

This request the surgeon complied with, more through curiosity to see a person
whose fate had been so extraordinary, than to confirm his good opinion of me,
which he assured me was already firmly established. He therefore set out for
the dwelling-place of my friend, with a letter of introduction from me; and
being received with all the civility and kindness I expected, returned to the
ship, not only satisfied with my character beyond the power of doubt or
insinuation, but also charmed with the affability and conversation of Thompson,
who loaded him and me with presents of fresh stock, liquors, and fruit. As he
would not venture to come and see us on board, lest Cramplay should know and
detain him; when the time of our departure approached, I obtained leave to go
and bid him farewell. After we had vowed an everlasting friendship, he pressed
upon me a purse, with four doubloons, which I refused as long as I could
without giving umbrage; and, having cordially embraced each other, I returned
on board, where I found a small box, with a letter directed for me, to the care
of Mr. Tomlins. Knowing the superscription to be of Thompson’s
handwriting, I opened it with some surprise, and learned that this generous
friend, not content with loading me with the presents already mentioned, had
sent, for my use and acceptance, half a dozen fine shirts, and as many linen
waistcoats and caps, with twelve pair of new thread stockings. Being thus
provided with money and all necessaries for the comfort of life, I began to
look upon myself as a gentleman of some consequence, and felt my pride dilate a
pace.

Next day we sailed for Port Royal, where we arrived safely with our prizes;
and, as there was nothing to do on board, I went ashore, and having purchased a
laced waistcoat, with some other clothes, at a sale, made a swaggering figure
for some days among the taverns, where I ventured to play a little at hazard,
and came off with fifty pistoles in my pocket. Meanwhile our captain was
promoted to a ship of twenty guns, and the command of the Lizard given to a man
turned of fourscore, who had been lieutenant since the reign of King William,
and, notwithstanding his long service, would have probably died in that
station, had he not applied some prize-money he had lately received, to make
interest with his superiors. My friend Brayl was also made an officer about the
same time, after he had served in quality of a midshipman and mate for five and
twenty years. Soon after these alterations, the admiral pitched upon our ship
to carry home dispatches for the ministry; and we set sail for England, having
first scrubbed her bottom, and taken in provision and water for the occasion.

CHAPTER XXXVII

We depart for Europe—a misunderstanding arises between the Captain and
the Surgeon, through the scandalous aspersions of Crampley—the Captain
dies—Crampley tyrannises over the surgeon, who falls a Victim for his
Cruelty—I am also ill-used—the Ship strikes—the behaviour of
Crampley and the Seamen on that occasion—-I get on shore, challenge the
Captain to single combat—am treacherously knocked down, wounded, and
robbed

Now that I could return to my native country in a creditable way, I felt
excessive pleasure in finding myself out of sight of that fatal island, which
has been the grave of so many Europeans: and, as I was accommodated with
everything to make the passage agreeable, I resolved to enjoy myself as much as
the insolence of Crampley would permit. This insidious slanderer had found
means already to cause a misunderstanding between the surgeon and captain, who,
by his age and infirmities, was rendered intolerably peevish, his disposition
having also been soured by a long course of disappointments. He had a
particular aversion to all young men, especially to surgeons, whom he
considered unnecessary animals on board of a ship; and, in consequence of these
sentiments, never consulted the doctor, notwithstanding his being seized with a
violent fit of the gout and gravel, but applied to a cask of Holland gin, which
was his sovereign prescription against all distempers: whether he was at this
time too sparing, or took an overdose of his cordial, certain it is, he
departed in the night, without any ceremony, which indeed was a thing he always
despised, and was found stiff next morning, to the no small satisfaction of
Crampley, who succeeded to the command of the vessel. For that very reason, Mr.
Tomlins and I had no cause to rejoice at this event, fearing that the tyranny
of our new commander would now be as unlimited as his power. The first day of
his command justified our apprehensions: for, on pretence that the decks were
too much crowded, he ordered the surgeon’s hencoops, with all his fowls,
to be thrown overboard; and at the same time prohibited him and me from walking
on the quarter-deck.

Mr. Tomlins could not help complaining of these injuries, and in the course of
his expostulation dropped some hasty words, of which Crampley taking hold,
confined him to his cabin, where, in a few days, for want of air he was
attacked by a fever, which soon put an end to his life, after he had made his
will, by which he bequeathed all his estate, personal and real, to his sister,
and left to me his watch and instruments as memorials of his friendship. I was
penetrated with grief on this melancholy occasion; the more because there was
nobody on board to whom I could communicate my sorrows, or of whom I could
receive the least consolation or advice. Crampley was so far from discovering
the least remorse for his barbarity, at the news of the surgeon’s death,
that he insulted his memory in the most abusive manner, and affirmed he had
poisoned himself out of pure fear, dreading to be brought to a court-martial
for mutiny; for which reason he would not suffer the service of the dead to be
read over his body before it was thrown overboard.

Nothing but a speedy deliverance could have supported me under the brutal sway
of this bashaw, who, to render my life more irksome, signified to my messmates
a desire that I should be expelled from their society. This was no sooner
hinted, than they granted his request; and I was fain to eat in a solitary
manner by myself during the rest of the passage, which, however, soon drew to a
period.

We had been seven weeks at sea, when the gunner told the captain that, by his
reckoning, we must be in soundings, and desired he would order the lead to be
heaved. Crampley swore he did not know how to keep the ship’s way, for we
were not within a hundred leagues of soundings, and therefore he would not give
himself the trouble to cast the lead. Accordingly we continued our course all
that afternoon and night, without shortening sail, although the gunner
pretended to discover Scilly light; and next morning protested in form against
the captain’s conduct, for which he was put in confinement, We discovered
no land all that day, and Crampley was still so infatuated as to neglect
sounding; but at three o’clock in the morning the ship struck, and
remained fast on a sand-bank. This accident alarmed the whole crew; the boat
was immediately hoisted out, but as we could not discern which way the shore
lay, we were obliged to wait for daylight. In the meantime, the wind increased,
and the waves beat against the sloop with such violence, that we expected she
would have gone to pieces. The gunner was released and consulted: he advised
the captain to cut away the mast, in order to lighten her; this expedient was
performed without success: the sailors, seeing things in a desperate situation,
according to custom, broke up the chests belonging to the officers, dressed
themselves in their clothes, drank their liquors without ceremony, and
drunkenness, tumult, and confusion ensued.

In the midst of this uproar, I went below to secure my own effects, and found
the carpenter’s mate hewing down the purser’s cabin with his
hatchet, whistling all the while with great composure. When I asked his
intention in so doing, he replied, very calmly, “I only want to taste the
purser’s rum, that’s all, master.” At that instant the purser
coming down, and seeing his effects going to wreck, complained bitterly of the
injustice done to him, and asked the fellow what occasion he had for liquor
when, in all likelihood, he would be in eternity in a few minutes.
“All’s one for that,” said plunderer, “let us live
while we can.” “Miserable wretch that thou art!” cried the
purser, “what must be thy lot in another world, if thou diest in the
commission of robbery?” “Why, hell, I suppose,” replied the
other, with great deliberation, while the purser fell on his knees, and begged
of Heaven that we might not all perish for the sake of Jonas.

During this dialogue I clothed myself in my bed apparel, girded on my hanger,
stuck my pistols, loaded, in my belt, disposed of all my valuable moveables
about my person, and came upon deck with a resolution of taking the first
opportunity to get on shore, which, when the day broke, appeared at the
distance of three miles ahead. Crampley, finding his efforts to get the ship
off ineffectual, determined to consult his own safety, by going into the boat,
which he had no sooner done, than the ship’s company followed so fast,
that she would have sunk alongside, had not some one wiser than the rest cut
the rope and put off. But before this happened, I had made several attempts to
get in, and was always balked by the captain, who was so eager in excluding me,
that he did not mind the endeavours of any other body. Enraged at this inhuman
partiality, and seeing the rope cut, I pulled one of my pistols from my belt,
and cocking it, swore I would shoot any man who would presume to obstruct my
entrance. So saying, I leaped with my full exertion, and got on board of the
boat with the loss of the skin of my shins. I chanced in my descent to overturn
Crampley, who no sooner got up than he struck at me several times with a
cutlass, and ordered the men to throw me overboard; but they were too anxious
about their own safety to mind what he said. Though the boat was very deeply
loaded, and the sea terribly high, we made shift to get upon dry land in less
than an hour after we parted from the sloop. As soon as I set my foot on terra
firma, my indignation, which had boiled so long within me, broke out against
Crampley, whom I immediately challenged to single combat, presenting my
pistols, that he might take his choice: he took one without hesitation, and,
before I could cock the other, fired in my face, throwing the pistol after the
shot. I felt myself stunned, and imagining the bullet had entered my brain,
discharged mine as quick as possible, that I might not die unrevenged: then
flying upon my antagonist, knocked out several of his fore-teeth with the
butt-end of the piece, and would certainly have made an end of him with that
instrument, had he not disengaged himself, and seized his cutlass, which he had
given to his servant when he received the pistol. Seeing him armed in this
manner, I drew my hanger, and, having flung my pistol at his head, closed with
him in a transport of fury, and thrust my weapon into his mouth, which it
enlarged on one side to his ear. Whether the smart of this wound disconcerted
him, or the unevenness of the ground made him reel, I know not, but he
staggered some paces back: I followed close, and with one stroke cut the
tendons of the back of his hand, Upon which his cutlass dropped, and he
remained defenceless. I know not with what cruelty my rage might have inspired
me, if I had not at that instant been felled to the ground by a blow on the
back part of my head, which deprived me of all sensation. In this deplorable
situation, exposed to the rage of an incensed barbarian, and the rapine of an
inhuman crew, I remained for some time; and whether any disputes arose among
them during the state of my annihilation, I cannot pretend to determine; but in
one particular they seemed to have been unanimous, and acted with equal
dexterity and dispatch; for when I recovered the use of my understanding, I
found myself alone in a desolate place, stripped of my clothes, money, watch,
buckles, and everything but my shoes, stockings, breeches and shirt. What a
discovery must this have been to me, who, but an hour before, was worth sixty
guineas in cash! I cursed the hour of my birth, the parents that gave me being,
the sea that did not swallow me up, the poniard of the enemy, which could not
find the way to my heart, the villainy of those who had left me in that
miserable condition; and in the ecstacy of despair resolved to be still where I
was, and perish.

CHAPTER XXXVIII

I get up and crawl into a barn, where I am in danger of perishing, through the
fear of the country people—their inhumanity—I am succoured by a
reputed witch—her story—her advice—she recommends me as a
valet to a single lady, whose character she explains

But as I lay ruminating, my passion insensibly abated; I considered my
situation in quite another light, from that in which it appeared to me at
first, and the result of my deliberation was to rise if I could, and crawl to
the next inhabited place for assistance. With some difficulty I got upon my
legs, and having examined my body, found I had received no other injury than
two large contused wounds, one on the fore and another on the hinder part of my
head, which seemed to be occasioned by the same weapon, namely, the butt-end of
a pistol. I looked towards the sea, but could discern no remains of the ship;
so that I concluded she was gone to pieces, and that those who remained in her
had perished: but, as I afterwards learned, the gunner, who had more sagacity
than Crampley, observing that it was flood when he left her, and that she would
probably float at high water, made no noise about getting on shore, but
continued on deck, in hopes of bringing her safe into some harbour, after her
commander should have deserted her, for which piece of service he expected, no
doubt, to be handsomely rewarded. This scheme he accordingly executed, and was
promised great things by the Admiralty for saving his Majesty’s ship: but
I never heard he reaped the fruits of his expectation. As for my own part, I
directed my course towards a small cottage I perceived, and in the road picked
up a seaman’s old jacket, which I suppose the thief who dressed himself
in my clothes had thrown away: this was a very comfortable acquisition to me,
who was almost stiff with cold: I therefore put it on; and, as my natural heat
revived, my wounds, which had left off bleeding, burst out afresh; so that,
finding myself excessively exhausted, I was about to lie down in the fields,
when I discovered a barn on my left hand, within a few yards of me; thither I
made shift to stagger, and finding the door open, went in, but saw nobody;
however, I threw myself upon a truss of straw, hoping to be soon relieved by
some person or other. I had not lain here many minutes, when I saw a countryman
come in with a pitchfork in his hand, which he was upon the point of thrusting
into the straw that concealed me, and in all probability would have done my
business, had I not uttered a dreadful groan, after having essayed in vain to
speak. This melancholy note alarmed the clown, who started back, and
discovering a body all besmeared with blood, stood trembling, with the
pitchfork extended before him, his hair bristling up, his eyes staring, his
nostrils dilated, and his mouth wide open. At another time I should have been
much diverted by this figure, which preserved the same attitude very near ten
minutes, during which time I made many unsuccessful efforts to implore his
compassion and assistance; but my tongue failed me, and my language was only a
repetition of groans. At length an old man arrived, who, seeing the other in
such a posture, cried, “Mercy upon en! the leaad’s bewitched! why,
Dick, beest thou besayd thyself!” Dick, without moving his eyes from the
object that terrified him, replied, “O vather! vather! here be either the
devil or a dead mon: I doant know which o’en, but a groans
woundily.” The father, whose eyesight was none of the best, pulled out
his spectacles, and, having applied them to his nose reconnoitered me over his
son’s shoulder: but no sooner did he behold me, than he was seized with a
fit of shaking, even more violent than Dick’s, and, with a broken accent,
addressed me thus: “In the name of the Vather, Zun, and Holy Ghost, I
charge you, an you been Satan, to be gone to the Red Zen; but an you be a
moordered mon, speak, that you may have a Christom burial.”

As I was not in a condition to satisfy him in this particular, he repeated his
conjuration to no purpose, and they continued a good while in the agonies of
fear. At length the father proposed that the son should draw nearer, and take a
more distinct view of the apparition; but Dick was of opinion that his father
should advance first, he being an old man past his labour and, if he received
any mischief, the loss would be the smaller; whereas he himself might escape,
and be useful, in his generation. This prudential reason had no effect upon the
senior, who still kept Dick between me and him. In the meantime I endeavoured
to raise one hand as a signal of distress, but had only strength sufficient to
produce a rustling among the straw, which discomposed the young peasant so
much, that he sprang out at the door, and overthrew his father in his flight.
The old gentleman would not spend time in getting up, but crawled backwards
like a crab, with great speed, till he had got over the threshold, mumbling
exorcisms all the way. I was exceedingly mortified to find myself in danger of
perishing through the ignorance and cowardice of these clowns; and felt my
spirits decay apace, when an old woman entered the barn, followed by the two
fugitives and with great intrepidity advanced to the place where I lay, saying,
“If it be the devil I fearen not, and for a dead mon a can do us no
harm.” When she saw my condition, she cried, “Here be no devil, but
in your en fool’s head. Here be a poor miserable wretch bleeding to
death, and if a dies, we must be at the charge of burying him; therefore, Dick,
go vetch the old wheelbarrow and put en in, and carry en to goodman
Hodge’s backdoor; he is more able than we to pay out money upon poor
vagrants.” Her advice was taken, and immediately put in execution; I was
rolled to the other farmer’s door, where I was tumbled out like a heap of
dung; and should certainly have fallen a prey to the hogs, if my groans had not
disturbed the family, and brought some of them out to view my situation. But
Hodge resembled the Jew more than the good Samaritan, and ordered me to be
carried to the house of the parson, whose business it was to practise as well
as to preach charity; observing that it was sufficient for him to pay his quota
towards the maintenance of the poor belonging to his own parish. When I was set
down at the vicar’s gate, he fell into a mighty passion, and threatened
to excommunicate him who sent, as well as those who brought me, unless they
would move me immediately to another place. About this time I fainted with the
fatigue I had undergone, and afterwards understood that I was bandied from door
to door through a whole village, nobody having humanity enough to administer
the least relief to me, Until an old woman, who was suspected of witchcraft by
the neighbourhood, hearing of my distress, received me into her house, and,
having dressed my wounds, brought me to myself with cordials of her own
preparing. I was treated with great care and tenderness by this grave matron,
who, after I had recovered some strength, desired to know the particulars of my
last disaster. This piece of satisfaction I could not refuse to one who had
saved my life, therefore related all my adventures without exaggeration or
reserve. She seemed surprised at the vicissitudes I had undergone, and drew a
happy presage of my future life from my past suffering, then launched out into
the praise of adversity, with so much ardour and good sense, that I concluded
she was a person who had seen better days, and conceived a longing desire to
hear her story. She perceived my drift by some words I dropped, and smiling
told me, there was nothing either entertaining or extraordinary in the course
of her fortune; but, however, she would communicate it to me, in consideration
of the confidence I had reposed in her. “It is of little
consequence,” said she, “to tell the names of my parents, who are
dead many years ago; let it suffice to assure you, they were wealthy, and had
no other child than me; so that I was looked upon as heiress to a considerable
estate, and teased with addresses on that account. Among the number of my
admirers, there was a young gentleman of no fortune, whose sole dependence was
on his promotion in the army, in which, at that time, he bore a
lieutenant’s commission. I conceived an affection for this amiable
officer, which, in a short time, increased to a violent passion, and without
entering into minute circumstances, married him privately. We had not enjoyed
one another long in stolen interviews, when he was ordered with his regiment to
Flanders; but, before he set out, it was agreed between us, that we should
declare our marriage to my father by letter, and implore his pardon for the
step we had taken without his approbation. This discovery was made while I was
abroad visiting, and just as I was about to return home, I received a letter
from my father, importing that, since I had acted so undutifully and meanly as
to marry a beggar, without his privity or consent, to the disgrace of his
family as well as the disappointment of his hopes, he renounced me to the
miserable fate I had entailed upon myself, and charged me never to set foot
within his doors again. This rigid sentence was confirmed by my mother, who, in
a postscript, gave me to understand that her sentiments were exactly
conformable to those of my father, and that I might save myself the trouble of
making any applications, for her resolutions were unalterable. Thunderstruck
with my evil fortune I called a coach, and drove to my husband’s
lodgings, where I found him waiting the event of his letter. Though he could
easily divine by my looks the issue of his declaration, he read with great
steadiness the epistle I had received; and with a smile full of tenderness,
which I shall never forget, embraced me, saying, “I believe the good lady
your mother might have spared herself the trouble of the last part of her
postscript. Well, my dear Betty, you must lay aside all thoughts of a coach,
till I can procure the command of a regiment.” This unconcerned
behaviour, while it enabled me to support my reverse of fortune, at the same
time endeared him to me the more, by convincing me of his disinterested views
in espousing me. I was next day boarded in company with the wife of another
officer, who had long been the friend and confidant of my husband, at a village
not far from London, where they parted with us in the most melting manner, went
to Flanders, and were killed in sight of one another at the battle of the Wood.

“Why should I tire you with a description of our unutterable sorrow at
the fatal news of this event, the remembrance of which now fills my aged eyes
with tears! When our grief subsided a little, and reflection came to our aid,
we found ourselves deserted by the whole world, and in danger of perishing by
want; whereupon we made application for the pension, and were put upon the
list. Then, vowing eternal friendship, sold our jewels and superfluous clothes,
retired to this place (which is in the county of Sussex) bought this little
house, where we lived many years in a solitary manner, indulging our mutual
sorrow, till it pleased Heaven to call away my companion two years ago; since
which time I have lingered out an unhappy being, in hopes of a speedy
dissolution, when I promise myself the eternal reward of all my cares. In the
meantime,” continued she, “I must inform you of the character I
bear among my neighbours. My conversation being different from that of the
inhabitants of the village, my recluse way of life, my skill in curing
distempers, which I acquired from books since I settled here, and lastly, my
age having made the common people look upon me as something preternatural, and
I am actually, at this hour, believed to be a witch. The parson of the parish,
whose acquaintance I have not been at much pains to cultivate, taking umbrage
at my supposed disrespect, has contributed not a little towards the
confirmation of this opinion, by dropping certain hints to my prejudice among
the vulgar, who are also very much scandalised at my entertaining this poor
tabby cat with the collar about her neck, which was a favourite of my deceased
companion.”

The whole behaviour of this venerable person was so primitive, innocent,
sensible, and humane, that I contracted a filial respect for her, and begged
her advice with regard to my future conduct, as soon as I was in a condition to
act for myself. She dissuaded me from a design I had formed of travelling to
London, in hopes of retrieving my clothes and pay, by returning to my ship,
which by this time I read in the newspaper was safely arrived in the River
Thames: “because,” said she, “you run the hazard of being
treated not only as a deserter in quitting the sloop, but also as a mutineer,
in assaulting your commanding officer, to the malice of whose revenge you will
moreover be exposed.” She then promised to recommend me, as servant to a
single lady of her acquaintance, who lived in the neighbourhood with her
nephew, who was a young foxhunter of great fortune, where I might be very
happy, provided I could bear with the disposition and manners of my mistress,
which were somewhat whimsical and particular. But, above all things, she
counselled me to conceal my story, the knowledge of which would effectually
poison my entertainment; for it was a maxim, among most people of condition,
that no gentleman ought to be admitted into a family as a domestic, lest he
become lazy, and insolent. I was fain to embrace this humble proposal, because
my affairs were desperate; and in a few days was hired by this lady, to serve
in quality of her footman, having been represented by my hostess as a young man
who was bred up to the sea by his relations against his will, and had suffered
shipwreck, which had increased his disgust to that way of life so much, that he
rather chose to go to service on shore, than enter himself on board of any
other ship. Before I took possession of my new place, she gave me a sketch of
my mistress’s character, that I might know better how to regulate my
conduct.

“Your lady,” said she, “is a maiden of forty years, not so
remarkable for her beauty as her learning and taste, which is famous all over
the country. Indeed, she is a perfect female virtuoso, and so eager after the
pursuit of knowledge that she neglects her person even to a degree of
sluttishness; this negligence, together with her contempt of the male part of
the creation, gives her nephew no great concern, as by these means he will
probably keep her fortune, which is considerable in the family. He therefore
permits her to live in her own way, which is something extraordinary, and
gratifies her in all her whimsical desires. Her apartment is at some distance
from the other inhabited parts of the house; and consists of a dining-room,
bedchamber, and study; she keeps a cook maid, a waiting-woman, and footman, of
her own, and seldom eats or converses with any of the family but her niece, who
is a very lovely creature, and humours her aunt often to the prejudice of her
own health by sitting up with her whole nights together; for your mistress is
too much of a philosopher to be swayed by the custom of the world, and never
sleeps nor eats like other people. Among other odd notions, she professes the
principles of Rosicrucius, and believes the earth, air, and sea, are inhabited
by invisible beings, with whom it is possible for the human species to
entertain correspondence and intimacy, on the easy condition of living chaste.
As she hopes one day to be admitted into an acquaintance of this kind, she no
sooner heard of me and my cat, than she paid me a visit, with a view, as she
has since owned, to be introduced to my familiar; and was greatly mortified to
find herself disappointed in her expectation. Being by this visionary turn of
mind abstracted as it were from the world, she cannot advert to the common
occurrences of life; and therefore is frequently so absent as to commit very
strange mistakes and extravagancies, which you will do well to rectify and
repair, as your prudence shall suggest.”

CHAPTER XXXIX

My Reception by that Lady—I become enamoured of Narcissa—recount
the particulars of my last misfortune—acquire the good opinion of my
Mistress—an Account of the young Squire—I am made acquainted with
more particulars of Narcissa’s Situation—conceive a mortal hatred
against Sir Timothy—examine my Lady’s library and
performances—her extravagant behaviour

Fraught with these useful instructions, I repaired to the place of her
habitation, and was introduced by the waiting-woman to the presence of my lady,
who had not before seen me. She sat in her study, with one foot on the ground,
and the other upon a high stool at some distance from her seat; her sandy locks
hung down, in a disorder I cannot call beautiful, from her head, which was
deprived of its coif, for the benefit of scratching with one hand, while she
held the stump of a pen in the other. Her forehead was high and wrinkled; her
eyes were large, gray, and prominent; her nose was long, and aquiline: her
mouth of vast capacity, her visage meagre and freckled, and her chin peaked
like a shoemaker’s paring knife; her upper lip contained a large quantity
of plain Spanish, which, by continual falling, had embroidered her neck, that
was not naturally very white, and the breast of her gown, that flowed loose
about her with a negligence that was truly poetic, discovering linen that was
very fine, and, to all appearance, never washed but in Castalian streams.
Around her lay heaps of books, globes, quadrants, telescopes, and other learned
apparatus; her snuff-box stood at her right hand: at her left hand lay her
handkerchief, sufficiently used, and a convenience to spit in appeared on one
side of her chair. She being in a reverie when we entered, the maid did not
think proper to disturb her; so that we waited some minutes unobserved, during
which time she bit the quill several times, altered her position, made many wry
faces, and, at length, with an air of triumph, repeated aloud:

“Nor dare th’immortal gods my rage oppose!”

Having committed her success to paper, she turned towards the door, and
perceiving us, cried, “What’s the matter?”
“Here’s the young man,” replied my conductress, “whom
Mrs. Sagely recommended as a footman to your ladyship.” On this
information she stared in my face for a considerable time, and then asked my
name, which I thought proper to conceal under that of John Brown. After having
surveyed me with a curious eye, she broke out into, “O! ay, thou wast
shipwrecked, I remember. Whether didst thou come on shore on the back of a
whale or a dolphin?” To this I answered, I had swam ashore without any
assistance. Then she demanded to know if I had ever been at the Hellespont, and
swam from Sestos to Abydos. I replied in the negative; upon which she bade the
maid order a suit of new livery for me, and instruct me in the articles of my
duty: so she spit in her snuff-box, and wiped her nose with her cap, which lay
on the table, instead of a handkerchief.

We returned to the kitchen, where I was regaled by the maids, who seemed to vie
with each other in expressing their regard for me; and from them I understood,
that my business consisted in cleaning knives and forks, laying the cloth,
waiting at table, carrying messages, and attending my lady when she went
abroad. There was a very good suit of livery in the house, which had belonged
to my predecessor deceased, and it fitted me exactly; so that there was no
occasion for employing a tailor on my account. I had not been long equipped in
this manner, when my lady’s bell rung; upon which, I ran up stairs, and
found her stalking about the room in her shift and under petticoat only; I
would immediately have retired as became me, but she bade me come in, and air a
clean shift for her; which operation I having performed with some backwardness,
she put it on before me without any ceremony, and I verily believe was ignorant
of my sex all that time, as being quite absorbed in contemplation. About four
o’clock in the afternoon I was ordered to lay the cloth, and place two
covers, which I understood were for my mistress and her niece, whom I had not
as yet seen. Though I was not very dexterous at this work, I performed it
pretty well for a beginner, and, when dinner was upon the table, saw my
mistress approach, accompanied by the young lady, whose name for the present
shall be Narcissa. So much sweetness appeared in the countenance and carriage
of this amiable apparition, that my heart was captivated at first sight, and
while dinner lasted, I gazed upon her without intermission. Her age seemed to
be seventeen, her stature tall, her shape unexceptionable, her hair, that fell
down upon her ivory neck in ringlets, black as jet; her arched eyebrows of the
same colour; her eyes piercing, yet tender; her lips of the consistence and hue
of cherries; her complexion clear, delicate and healthy; her aspect noble,
ingenuous, and humane; and the whole person so ravishingly delightful, that it
was impossible for any creature endued with sensibility, to see without
admiring, and admire without loving her to excess. I began to curse the servile
station that placed me so far beneath the regard of this idol of my adoration!
and yet I blessed my fate, that enabled me to enjoy daily the sight of so much
perfection! When she spoke I listened with pleasure; but when she spoke to me,
my soul was thrilled with an extacy of tumultuous joy. I was even so happy as
to be the subject of their conversation; for Narcissa, having observed me, said
to her aunt, “I see your new footman is come.” Then addressing
herself to me, asked, with ineffable complacency, if I was the person who had
been so cruelly used by robbers? When I had satisfied her in this; she
expressed a desire of knowing the other particulars of my fortune, both before
and since my being shipwrecked: hereupon (as Mrs. Sagely had counselled me) I
told her that I had been bound apprentice to the master of a ship, contrary to
my inclination, which ship had foundered at sea; that I and four more, who
chanced to be on deck when she went down, made shift to swim to the shore, when
my companions, after having overpowered me, stripped me to the shirt, and left
me, as they imagined, dead of the wounds I received in my own defence. Then I
related the circumstances of being found in a barn, with the inhuman treatment
I met with from the country people and parson; the description of which, I
perceived, drew tears from the charming creature’s eyes. When I had
finished my recital, my mistress, said, “Ma foi! le garçon est bien
fait!” To which opinion Narcissa assented, with a compliment to my
understanding, in the same language, that flattered my vanity extremely.

The conversation, among other subjects, turned upon the young squire, whom my
lady inquired after under the title of the Savage; and was informed by her
niece that he was still in bed, repairing the fatigue of last night’s
debauch, and recruiting strength and spirits to undergo a fox chase to-morrow
morning, in company with Sir Timothy Thicket, Squire Bumper, and a great many
other gentlemen of the same stamp, whom he had invited on that occasion! so
that by daybreak the whole house would be in an uproar. This was a very
disagreeable piece of news to the virtuoso, who protested she would stuff her
ears with cotton when she went to bed, and take a dose of opium to make her
sleep the more sound, that she might not be disturbed and distracted by the
clamour of the brutes.

When their dinner was over, I and my fellow servants sat down to ours in the
kitchen, where I understood that Sir Timothy Thicket was a wealthy knight in
the neighbourhood, between whom and Narcissa a match had been projected by her
brother, who promised at the same time to espouse Sir Timothy’s sister;
by which means, as their fortunes were pretty equal, the young ladies would be
provided for, and their brothers be never the poorer; but that the ladies did
not concur in the scheme, each of them entertaining a hearty contempt for the
person allotted to her for a husband by this agreement. This information begat
in me a mortal aversion to Sir Timothy, whom I looked upon as my rival, and
cursed in my heart for his presumption.

Next morning, by daybreak, being awakened by the noise of the hunters and
hounds, I rose to view the cavalcade, and had a sight of my competitor, whose
accomplishments (the estate excluded) did not seem brilliant enough to give me
much uneasiness with respect to Narcissa, who, I flattered myself, was not to
be won by such qualifications as he was master of, either as to person or mind.
My mistress, notwithstanding her precaution, was so much disturbed by her
nephew’s company, that she did not rise till five o’clock in the
afternoon; so that I had an opportunity of examining her study at leisure, to
which examination I was strongly prompted by my curiosity. Here I found a
thousand scraps of her own poetry, consisting of three, four, ten, twelve, and
twenty lines, on an infinity of subjects, which, as whim inspired, she had
begun, without constancy or capacity to bring to any degree of composition:
but, what was very extraordinary in a female poet, there was not the least
mention made of love in any of her performances. I counted fragments of five
tragedies, the titles of which were “The Stern Philosopher,”
“The Double,” “The Sacrilegious Traitor,” “The
Fall of Lucifer,” and “The Last Day.” From whence I gathered,
that her disposition was gloomy, and her imagination delighted with objects of
horror. Her library was composed of the best English historians, poets, and
philosophers; of all the French critics and poets, and of a few books in
Italian, chiefly poetry, at the head of which were Tasso and Ariosto, pretty
much used. Besides these, translations of the classics into French, but not one
book in Greek or Latin; a circumstance that discovered her ignorance in these
languages.

After having taken a full view of this collection, I retired, and at the usual
time was preparing to lay the cloth, when I was told by the maid that her
mistress was still in bed, and had been so affected with the notes of the
hounds in the morning, that she actually believed herself a hare beset by the
hunters, and begged a few greens to munch for breakfast. When I expressed my
surprise in this unaccountable imagination she gave me to understand that her
lady was very much subject to whims of this nature; sometimes fancying herself
an animal, sometimes a piece of furniture, during which conceited
transformations it was very dangerous to come near her, especially when she
represented a beast; for that lately, in the character of a cat, she had flown
at her, and scratched her face in a terrible manner: that some months ago, she
prophesied the general conflagration was at hand, and nothing would be able to
quench it but her water, which therefore she kept so long, that her life was in
danger, and she must needs have died of the retention, had they not found an
expedient to make her evacuate, by kindling a bonfire under her chamber window
and persuading her that the house was in flames: upon which, with great
deliberation, she bade them bring all the tubs and vessels they could find to
be filled for the preservation of the house, into one of which she immediately
discharged the cause of her distemper. I was also informed that nothing
contributed so much to the recovery of her reason as music, which was always
administered on those occasions by Narcissa, who played perfectly well on the
harpsichord, and to whom she (the maid) was just then going to intimate her
aunt’s disorder.

She was no sooner gone than I was summoned by the bell to my lady’s
chamber, where I found her sitting squat on her hands on the floor, in the
manner of puss when she listens to the outcries of her pursuers. When I
appeared, she started up with an alarmed look, and sprang to the other side of
the room to avoid me, whom, without doubt, she mistook for a beagle thirsting
after her life. Perceiving her extreme confusion, I retired, and on the
staircase met the adorable Narcissa coming up, to whom I imparted the situation
of my mistress; she said not a word, but smiling with unspeakable grace, went
into her aunt’s apartment, and in a little time my ears were ravished
with the efforts of her skill. She accompanied the instrument with a voice so
sweet and melodious, that I did not wonder at the surprising change it produced
on the spirits of my mistress which composed to peace and sober reflection.

About seven o’clock, the hunters arrived with the skins of two foxes and
one badger, carried before them as trophies of their success; and when they
were about to sit down to dinner (or supper) Sir Timothy Thicket desired that
Narcissa would honour the table with her presence; but this request,
notwithstanding her brother’s threats and entreaties, she refused, on
pretence of attending her aunt, who was indisposed; so I enjoyed the
satisfaction of seeing my rival mortified: but this disappointment made no
great impression on him, who consoled himself with the bottle, of which the
whole company became so enamoured that, after a most horrid uproar of laughing,
singing, swearing, and fighting, they were all carried to bed in a state of
utter oblivion. My duty being altogether detached from the squire and his
family, I led a pretty easy and comfortable life, drinking daily intoxicating
draughts of love from the charms of Narcissa, which brightened on my
contemplation every day more and more. Inglorious as my station was, I became
blind to my own unworthiness, and even conceived hopes of one day enjoying this
amiable creature, whose, affability greatly encouraged these presumptuous
thoughts.

CHAPTER XL

My mistress is surprised at my learning—communicates her performances to
me—I impart some of mine to her—am mortified at her faint
praise—Narcissa approves of my conduct—I gain an involuntary
conquest over the cookwench and dairymaid—their mutual resentment and
insinuations—the jealousy of their lovers

During this season of love and tranquillity, my muse, which had lain dormant so
long, awoke, and produced several small performances on the subject of my
flame. But as it concerned me nearly to remain undiscovered in my character and
sentiments, I was under a necessity of mortifying my desire of praise, by
confining my works to my own perusal and applause. In the meantime I strove to
insinuate myself into the good opinion of both ladies; and succeeded so well,
by my diligence and dutiful behaviour, that in a little time I was at least a
favourite servant; and frequently enjoyed the satisfaction of hearing myself
mentioned in French and Italian, with some degree of warmth and surprise by the
dear object of all my wishes, as a person who had so much of the gentleman in
my appearance and discourse, that she could not for her soul treat me like a
common lacquey. My prudence and modesty were not long proof against these
bewitching compliments. One day, while I waited at dinner, the conversation
turned upon a knotty passage of Tasso’s Gierusalem, which, it seems, had
puzzled them both: after a great many unsatisfactory conjectures, my mistress,
taking the book out of her pocket, turned up the place in question, and read
the sentence over and over without success; at length, despairing of finding
the author’s meaning, she turned to me, saying, “Come hither,
Bruno; let us see what fortune will do for us: I will interpret to thee what
goes before, and what follows this obscure paragraph, the particular words of
which I will also explain, that thou mayst, by comparing one with another,
guess the sense of that which perplexes us.” I was too vain to let slip
this opportunity of displaying my talents; therefore, without hesitation, read
and explained the whole of that which had disconcerted them, to the utter
astonishment of both. Narcissa’s face and lovely neck were overspread
with blushes, from which I drew a favourable opinion, while her aunt, after
having stared at me a good while with a look of amazement, exclaimed, “In
the name of heaven who art thou?” I told her I had picked up a smattering
of Italian, during a voyage up the Straits. At this explanation she shook her
head, and observed that no smatterer could read as I had done. She then desired
to know if I understood French. To which question I answered in the
affirmative. She asked if I was acquainted with the Latin and Greek? I replied,
“A little.” “Oho!” continued she, “and with
philosophy and mathematics, I suppose?” I owned I knew something of each.
Then she repeated her stare and interrogation. I began to repent of my vanity,
and in order to repair the fault I committed, said, it was not to be wondered
at if I had a tolerable education, for learning was so cheap in my country,
that every peasant was a scholar; but, I hoped her Ladyship would think my
understanding no exception to my character. “No, no, God forbid.”
But during the rest of the time they sat at table, they behaved with remarkable
reserve.

This alteration gave me great uneasiness; and I passed the night without sleep,
in melancholy reflections on the vanity of young men, which prompts them to
commit so many foolish actions, contrary to their own sober judgment. Next day,
however, instead of profiting by this self-condemnation, I yielded still more
to the dictates of the principle I had endeavoured to chastise, and if fortune
had not befriended me more than prudence could expect, I should have been
treated with the contempt it deserved. After breakfast my lady, who was a true
author, bade me follow her into the study, where she expressed herself thus:
“Since you are so learned, you cannot be void of taste; therefore I am to
desire your opinion of a small performance in poetry, which I lately composed.
You must know that I have planned a tragedy, the subject of which shall be, the
murder of a prince before the altar, where he is busy at his devotions. After
the deed is perpetrated, the regicide will harangue the people with the bloody
dagger in his hand; and I have already composed a speech, which, I think, will
suit the character extremely. Here it is.” Then, taking up a scrap of
paper, she read, with violent emphasis and gesture, as follows:—

“Thus have I sent the simple King to hell,
Without or coffin, shroud, or passing bell:
To me what are divine and human laws?
I court no sanction but my own applause!
Rapes, robberies, treasons, yield my soul delight,
And human carnage gratifies my sight:
I drag the parent by the hoary hair,
And toss the sprawling infant on the spear,
While the fond mother’s cries regale my ear.
I fight, I vanquish, murder friends and foes;
Nor dare the immortal gods my rage oppose.”

Though I did great violence to my understanding in praising this unnatural
rhapsody, I nevertheless extolled it as a production that of itself deserved
immortal fame; and besought her ladyship to bless the world with the fruits of
those uncommon talents Heaven had bestowed upon her. She smiled with a look of
self-complacency, and encouraged by the incense I had offered, communicated all
her poetical works which I applauded, one by one, with as little candour as I
had shown at first. Satiated with my flattery, which I hope my situation
justified, she could not in conscience refuse me an opportunity of shining in
my turn: and, therefore, after a compliment to my nice discernment and taste,
observed, that doubtless I must have produced something in that way myself,
which she desired to see. This was temptation I could by no means resist. I
owned that while I was at college I wrote some detached pieces, at the desire
of a friend who was in love; and at her request repeated the following verses,
which indeed my love for Narcissa had inspired:—

On Celia,

Playing on the harpsichord and singing.

When Sappho struck the quivering wire,
The throbbing breast was all on fire:
And when she raised the vocal lay,
The captive soul was charm’d away.

But had the nymph possessed with these
Thy softer, chaster, power to please;
Thy beauteous air of sprightly youth,
Thy native smiles of artless truth;

The worm of grief had never preyed
On the forsaken love-sick maid:
Nor had she mourn’d a hapless flame,
Nor dash’d on rocks her tender frame.

My mistress paid me a cold compliment on the versification, which, she said,
was elegant enough, but, the subject beneath the pen of a true poet. I was
extremely nettled at her indifference, and looked at Narcissa, who by this time
had joined us, for her approbation; but she declined giving her opinion,
protesting she was no judge of these matters; so that I was forced to retire
very much balked in my expectation, which was generally a little too sanguine.
In the afternoon, however, the waiting-maid assured me that Narcissa had
expressed her approbation of my performance with great warmth, and desired her
to procure a copy of it as for herself, that she (Narcissa) might have an
opportunity to peruse it at pleasure. I was elated to an extravagant pitch at
this intelligence, and immediately transcribed a fair copy of my Ode, which was
carried to the dear charmer, together with another on the same subject, as
follows:—